Monday, November 14, 2011

Of course.

My life is flying by...I realized while falling asleep the other night that I've been so busy that I haven't even thought once about my blog- and I do apologize to those 3 or 5 friends that actually still read.  Thank you for your love and support.

Basically long story short- my friend convinced me to join a dating website, I did, and then I was busy going on a date literally every night (literally)...then I met a guy and we've been neck deep in turbo love for almost 3 weeks now.  It has been a whirlwind and so fun and between working two jobs, seeing this guy, and trying to maintain a social life- I just have forgotten about my blog.

Until I got fat again.

For the same reasons I've been neglecting my blog, I've also neglected eating healthily or working out.  It just doesn't seem to be a priority to me lately.  2 days ago (okay it's Monday so last Friday) I tried on a shirt for work...and the stupid thing didn't fit.  Excuse me? I don't remember the last time I had to take something off and find something else because I couldn't even get the stupid thing to button properly.  I mean, I have moments where things get tight and I'm uncomfortable trying to wear it so I don't.  But can't even button it?  Awesome.  I've noticed my face getting fuller but I've also just convinced myself that it's because I'm paranoid because I want to be cute for the new boy.  To make it even better, I have no idea how much I've gained because my scale's battery died and I don't have the $$ to replace them yet (it's those weird, exclusive expensive batteries and I don't even know where to find them).  All I know is I'm getting chubby mc-chub chub and my clothes are shrinking like crazy and now on top of it all- I got a boy trying to touch my muffin top every other second and it makes me hyperventilate.

So tonight I went running, did 300 jump ropes (I couldn't even do 500...where I have always started in the past), and then went to yoga.  My whole body was jiggling/bouncing during my jump was one of the most unpleasant experiences I've had in a few months. Honestly. Yes, I'm probably over killing it.  I'm trying so hard because I need results.  And I'm nervous because of course I'm not mentioning any of this to the boy- but how am I going to avoid all of the calorie bombs that come with dating?  He doesn't know it yet, but I committed to myself that I will NOT blow off another workout this week.  I will work out every day.  Period. Which means he may have to wait to see me; I'm sure it will do us some good.

So yeah, that's the latest.  Workout on.  Eating healthy: on.  Sleeping instead of staying up all night making out: eh....can't commit to that one yet. :)



Friday, October 21, 2011

Eating doesn't help.

So regardless of if I burn calories or not, I seem to be more concerned about consuming them.  Today I had lunch with a doctor.  We ended up at "The Counter" which is a burger joint where you create your own burger.  Let's just look at the damage- shall we?  After all is said and done- I've consumed about 2300 calories today.  AWESOME.

So I tried to go to yoga first and then figured I would go on a long run to help with the horrific surplus of calories.  When I got to the yoga studio, I had no time to spare (of course, thank you traffic).  The lot attendant and I got into an argument because he said that everyone can park there except anyone going to yoga, but if I wanted to risk getting my car towed, I was allowed.  Of course, I don't want to get my car towed, and since a lot of people have chips on their shoulders here, I did not trust that he wouldn't call on my car specifically to prove his point.  The whole thing was ridiculous and of course, I missed my class.  So then I decided to go to the gym since it was after dark and I am not familiar enough with the area to feel safe running alone after dark.  So my gym that I pay for every month (that I thought I was a member of), explained to me tonight in front of hoards of people that were entering the gym as well, that apparently now they have these "ultra" gyms that I have to pay more to be apart of.  If I want to go to a regular gym that's not ultra, I have to go somewhere else.  He then told me where one of the ghetto gyms that I belong to was located.  Now, I hardly ever go to the gym anymore.  I spend the majority of my time running and doing yoga.  But I was determined so I drove over to where he told me to go.  I drove around for another hour, checking all of the surrounding streets and trying to find my gym.  Apparently- even though the name of my gym is 24 hour fitness- it is not a 24 hour gym.  This one closes at 5 on the weekends.  I don't even get out of work until after 5, thanks gym, for being accommodating.  I'm glad I pay for a 24 gym that isn't 24 hours.  I'm glad they now have super gyms and the money I pay goes towards the ghetto only ones.  I will NOT be upgrading.

So what did I do?  Come home and make nacho's.  Screw it. I basically threw the whole week because I've been consuming too many calories every day and now I blasted myself out of the water.  AWESOME D, Awesome.

Hope everyone else is less sabotaging than I am.

I have a dinner on Tuesday.  A lobster dinner with my boss and a doctor and a caseworker.  I don't know how I'm going to do this.



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Do I cut more calories? Help!

So I've been using the Livestrong calorie counter app for iPhones, and I need advice.  The app adds back in the calories you burn for work for example, if my calorie limit for the day is 1000, and I burn 285 calories jogging, the app says that I need to eat 1285 calories to reach my limit.

Well, the last few days, I have burned around 600 calories working out.  When I'm trying to lose weight my caloric intake is usually around 1200-1250 (when working out, when not- it's more like 1000).  For the last two days, I've eaten around 1450 calories because the app keeps adding back in my calories I burned during workouts.  Should I cut back to 1200-1250 or should I follow the app and stay eating around 1450?  I don't feel like I"m really losing anything...however, it's also a little too early to tell.  I just don't want to waste 2 weeks and then get frustrated and give up.  Meanwhile the bestie is burning like no one's business, after one week I can already tell she's losing!  Even 5 pounds a month would make me completely happy, but I definitely want to lose the 5 every month.  If I get to the end of the month and it hasn't come off, I'll be upset.  My goal is to just be down for the holidays, especially when I go home in December. :)




Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Just another day

So my best friend came up from Orange County to play with me on Saturday night and I can already tell she's been working out.  It motivated me to dedicate myself even more and I'm proud to say that yesterday I went to yoga, and today I did yoga AND went running this morning before work.  I am on a roll!!  It feels good.  It feels really good and I'm excited to start seeing results myself soon.  It's not as easy for me as it is for her...for some reason (funny huh).

I'm slowly meeting new people/friends.  I met a girl that I've been going to yoga with everyday and already we're getting to be quite good buddies.  I'm going with her on Sunday to look at apartments.  I also went to a dinner on Sunday night at my friends house and there were about 10 people there; for some reason beyond my own comprehension I was witty and had the group laughing which gave me increased confidence and I ended up being quite social instead of having the normal social anxiety.  Dizzy is WINNING!!!

The job is fun and I love it so far- the hardest part right now is trying to develop relationships with the case managers.  They are distant and not friendly.  But I hope that with continued efforts, I can at least develop a decent working relationship with them.  We'll see.

XO my loves!


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Saturday...the day before Sunday

The workouts have been hard as I get up before work to go running, but I'm already feeling better.  Funny how just a little bit of movement can change your perspective and your "feel good" feelings...

My life is pretty mellow tonight.  I worked in Seal Beach today (I still do massage on Saturdays for extra $$) and now I'm just relaxing on the couch after a long nap this afternoon.  Money is still tight and will be until after Christmas.  I'm so thankful for the massage job to help keep me afloat as I get my bills in order and pay off some of the debts I accrued while working (and not getting paid) at the Aesthetics company.  I hope that doesn't sound bitter- I'm grateful for that experience and even more grateful it's over now.

I had to go have a physical this week for a requirement for my job.  I was super nervous to meet with the doctor because I don't even know the last time I had a physical and I didn't know what it would entail.  It was mainly them just checking my vitals- but I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks (trying to avoid the scale and go off clothing tightness, etc) and I almost asked the nurse to weigh me backwards so I wouldn't see.  Of course, my curiosity got the better of me and I changed my mind last second.  138!! Yes- in the middle of the day too.  I'd also like to report that my blood pressure was 119/79.  That's a big deal for me because my whole family suffers from high blood pressure and when I gain even a little weight, it shoots up hardcore.  So yay for me for being healthy and working out this week!!!

Okay my loves- I'm out.  Time to get ready for the weekend.  Tomorrow is my first day off in weeks!!! I LOVE IT!!!



Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm a fast food pawn.

I'm trying so hard to get myself under control.  Btw, my post has nothing to do with the title- I just couldn't think of anything clever to name this post.

I got up and went running this morning.  I know if I can just make myself work out for a week, it will get easier and I'll be able to get back into routine.  I tried to go to yoga tonight- but the traffic/parking is so horrific up here- that I missed the class AGAIN (2nd time in a week) because I couldn't find a parking spot ANYWHERE in the neighborhood OR parking garage.  Frickin LA.  The traffic and the rudeness of people is starting to get on my nerves.  I find myself screaming the "F" word more and more frequently whilst driving.  I'm wondering as I type this when the last time I didn't scream it out as I was in the car lately...has there even been a time since I moved here?  I don't think so.

So yeah.  I might have to switch some things up so I can actually make my yoga class.  I've considered riding my bike to the studio since it's not far away at all.  However, traffic is so bad that it makes me nervous to try and ride around on a bike where there are not designated bike lanes.  The roads can be narrow!  I could go earlier and earlier- but if people don't leave...there's really nothing I can do.  I live less than a mile and a half from the studio and I left 30 minutes early today and still missed the class.  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE.

Sorry that this post is all rambling.  As I've been thinking more and more about my diet and my workouts, etc, I realize that I have REALLY let things go.  I don't even remember all the things I know.  I mean, I remember some things, but someone had to give me tips today on how to be healthy.  I used to be SO healthy! ;)  I forget sometimes that it's an uphill battle.  And I will probably never reach the top (which is okay as long as I keep moving upwards).  We'll see.  It doesn't help that at my new job- everyday there are tons of treats and the whole staff is eating constantly.  Today was one girl's birthday so we had cake.  One bite with frosting (remember I'm addicted to sugar right now) and I had a stomach ache cause the frosting was so rich.  So what do I do?  Wipe off the frosting and keep eating cake.  Then, after I've justified that piece, someone hands me a fried banana.  Are you kidding?  Of course I had to eat it- can't be rude to my new colleagues.  So yeah...eating is NOT going as planned.

Other than my eating and lack of working out...nothing is new.  I'm still bored after I get off work.  I stay at work late because there's not much to do at home.  I still don't have furniture, so I just sit on a blow up mattress and type on my computer and hope the car alarm going off outside is not my car.  Even though the blow up mattress hurts my back, I love my little apartment and my life.  


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Thursday Musings..

I love love love my new life in LA.

However, I'm quasi bored.  I haven't really created a social life yet.  A normal girl would take this opportunity to work out and get skinny...but no, no.  At this point, I'm just trying to acclimate to my new life.  I have gone to yoga twice this far that's about all I've done.  I'm hoping to add more days of yoga and a few days of running next week; that's the goal anyway.  I've also allowed myself to eat whatever I want...which has been good and bad.  I went shopping earlier this week and so I've been eating at home...and I'm eating pretty decently.  However, I've become addicted to sugar again.  I know because the cravings are horrible right now; every time I eat...I crave something sweet.  In the mornings I look for something sweet.  But I haven't been drinking anything but water and I've been eating lots of fruits and veggies.  Overall I've gained about 8 pounds since this summer.  It's not too horrific, but I don't want to gain any more, and I'd love more than anything to lose those 8 pounds again.  I know it will happen, it's just kind of frustrating to see these numbers again.  However, I do feel like I'm getting healthier...I was so stressed out for so long.  I don't think I realized how stressed out I was until I got out of my situation.  I'm just grateful to be able to start sleeping and feeling normal again...

It's funny because I've noticed this week that some of my perceptions and some of my thoughts are changing as I work my new job.  For one, I'm starting to realize how important physical activity really is.  Just watching patients come in to our facility in a wheelchair, go through rehab, and then be able to walk out of our facility is amazing and a more powerful testament to me than anything else has been in awhile.  I have been more considerate of my body and my health needs this week than I have been in months.  I'm starting to consider my future- which I normally don't do.  It's interesting.  

Okay- more about that later- I don't want this post to get too long and drawn out.  XO!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

What's the problem

My friend came up to see me tonight in LA...he lives in Orange County.

It's been awhile since we hung out, so while we sat there and began catching up, we started talking about our lives.  He is single; I am single.  We've been friends for years- about 7 now.  The more we talked, the more I became convinced that there may not be a guy out there for me.  Sure, it sounds ridiculous when I just say it- but I'm serious!  I am LDS.  However, most LDS guys make me feel weird.  Of course I would like to meet and/or marry a guy who is mormon and understands my background.  However, most of the time- this seems to be the only common thread; I can't seem to be myself around mormon guys, no matter how hard I try.  I don't know if it's the religious aspect or what- but I am always trying to be "better" than I am.  I try to be more reserved; I try to be more conservative.  I end up trying to be someone I'm not- and I feel like it comes out of me regardless.  It comes out as phony.  I am not comfortable on most of my dates with LDS guys.  Or if I am, they never ask me out again.

Then there is the rest of the world.  Men.  Everywhere.  Normal men.  Good men.  But there is almost always something that holds me back.  Inevitably I feel guilty and end up walking away.  No matter how great the guy is- I am freaked out that they are not mormon and I get scared off.  I may genuinely like a guy for awhile, but I cannot really move forward and open up and really be myself because I am scared.  I'm scared to let go, but I'm scared to hold on.

I've been thinking about this for some time now...but I've been afraid to admit it.  The reason I'm single could be me.  How do I move away from this?


Monday, October 3, 2011

New Job: Day 1.

I am in love with my new life so far.

Today was my first day of work.  I think I'm going to really enjoy working at this new job.  I am working in a healthcare facility; it's a skilled nursing facility for short term and long term rehab for older patients that have just gone through some type of orthopedic surgery (usually).  Basically my job is to meet with doctors and case workers to persuade them to send their patients to our facility.  I met the majority of our current patients today and there are so many wonderful and exciting personalities that are staying in the facility and I can't wait to get to know them better.  I also can't wait to meet the new people that will be coming into the facility in the next couple months.  I am so excited and hopeful that I can really make things happen and do a great job!  My next step is to learn medical terminology though. :)  All the people I work with are medical professionals and they know their stuff and what they're talking about.  It's so different from working with sales guys that will just say whatever and make up whatever they need to in order to make a sale.  I actually felt intimidated a few different times today listening to people in the office talk to one another and to patient's families.  My team REALLY knows their stuff.  I love love love it; and I need to learn these things too so I don't have to keep faking it (I'm not faking it now but I don't want to have to ever fake it).

I went to yoga after work too.  I cussed my way through yoga is more like it.  I haven't been to yoga in over 3 weeks.  During the session, the instructor kept talking about 'breathing it out' and 'letting it go'...and I tried my best to let the stress of the last few weeks go.  I really really want to move on and not hold any anger or frustration in my heart from the past.  I know there are some of you that will say it's healthy to feel those things- and I agree.  But it's not healthy to harbor those feelings either.  I have felt them- now it's time to move forward and let them go.  Those feelings have also affected me physically.  Why is it that when I get stressed,  I tend to NOT work out instead of work out extra hard?  Working out is so good for you and helps your body to relieve why do I stop when I need it most?  Needless to say- I have some pain and soreness to get rid of. :)

Afterwards I went grocery shopping and came home and made pancakes in my little apartment.  Now I'm watching a TV show I pre-recorded (because I want to).  Have I mentioned that I love my little life in LA?



Saturday, October 1, 2011

new Life

So many things have happened since my last post.  I mean- SO MANY THINGS.

I'm not saying this to brag.  I'm trying to tell you why I've been MIA.  My life has been crazy.  I got the job. :)  As I was hanging up the phone with my new boss, my roommate informed me that she wanted to move out of our apartment.  Congratulations that you got the new job- let's move out.  So our 30 days got turned in.  Then the roommate decided that 30 days was too long and asked the landlord if we found new girls to move in...could we still get our full deposit back.  She said we could.  So the hunt was on.  I was literally coming to Los Angeles every day to try to find a new place to live (we had less than 2 weeks to move out), and she was securing the deal with new girls.  Two days before our time was up- I found a place.  Then I had to find people to help me move.  Then I had to move.  Then I had to work for 4 more days in a city over an hour away.  Monday I start my new job.  It's all happening so fast I can barely keep up.


But I'm happy.  I found my own apartment.  It's too expensive- but I love it.  I am working a second job so I can afford it.  I have had about 4 friends stop by in 3 days to check it out- and we have to sit on the floor because I dont' have a couch- and I go to bed smiling every night.  I don't have a roommate anymore.  I have a new job.  I have new goals...a new life.  I've had tender mercy after tender mercy after tender mercy and I am so happy and grateful for the blessings in my life.  I feel loved.  I feel blessed.  I am hopeful that I can make my life what I want it to be.

I have been thinking about my life a lot in the last few days as I've been moving and unpacking and changing.  There are some things I've realized...and I have realized that I am in control of my life and my destiny.  Yes, it's hard.  To get what you want.  But it's worth it- and it's worth trying for.  And I will.

I might be the happiest I've been in months...possibly even years.  Everything is perfect right now.  I hope I'm not over cheesy right now- but I can't help it.  I'm finally getting the things I want...

I'm not trying to be vague but I am running out the door- it's Saturday night and I've got a life to live. ;)



Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Interview

Don't worry- I still have not worked out.

I sit here on the couch...yet again.  With plenty of time to go work out.  Beautiful weather right outside my door- it's around 70 degrees.  New apps on my phone that motivated me last week.  No no, instead I sit here and type to you while Basketball Wives rattles on in the background.

I just weighed in.  Up 6 pounds...still.  Surprise surprise.  I'm going to let you in on a little secret: eating nonstop...and NOT working out...will do this to you.

I think about working out more than I actually do it.

I had my second interview today.  I think it went really well; I've learned to quit trying to figure these things out though.  I went to lunch with my future boss before we met with the VP and I really really enjoy this guy.  Not in a romantic way (yes he's single and only a year younger than me)- I just think he is a very kind and good individual and I think it will be great working with him.  I'm excited.

The VP asked if I am a passionate person.  I wanted to laugh.  Is there anyone out there who doesn't think they're a passionate person?  He wanted examples.  I started floundering.  How do you give an example of how passionate you are.  You want to know about the time I got into physical blows with another girl over a guy or something?  (that never happened, btw)  So I told a story about my dad and the way I was raised, and I think I hit a home run...he was quiet and later said- 'that story about your family really struck a chord with me'.  I BETTER GET THAT JOB! ;)

I am excited about my life again- for the first time in a little while.  The last job took it out of me.  But it's slowly starting to creep back into me. :)  Makes me happy to know my heart rebounds!!



Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Calories I will kill you.

Since we're all on the verge of moving soon- my roommates and I have decided to take a hiatus from dieting and feeling guilty about it.  We're all grotesque at the moment and can't seem to kick it into gear to lose it.  However, as I can barely shove/squeeze my fat ass into my STRETCHY work pants, I've decided to just go rogue and be really quiet about it.  I'm still using my calorie app, and I decided on the days that I work (which is 5), I will work out too.  Yoga and running, as usual (hey! It burns calories quick).

So today- I was secretly counting calories using my app.  I've started eating a lot more protein than in the past because I need it for massage.  I've found that if I don't eat enough, I have a really hard time making it through all 6 massage appointments.  I begin to get weak and my muscles start to ache, even to the point of being sore. However, if I eat protein in the morning- something substantial too, not like...AN egg, then I am usually fine to get through my shifts.  So this morning I had an egg white melt thing from Subway.  The only thing bad on it was the extra cheese- but I love cheese so whatever.  Then for lunch after work, I ran over to Whole Foods and had chicken salad from the deli.  Now, I love protein lately.  But a lot of protein seems to be very caloric-ly rich, if you get my drift.  What I'm trying to say is that I was already on the high end of my calories for the day by the time lunch was done.  I come home- all intent on working out.  And then I call my mother from some motherly advice about some work issues.

What do I proceed to do while chatting with her endlessly for 30 minutes?  Oh...pop open a box of Coco Crispies and eat the cereal dry- right out of the box.  I was craving sugar.  Did I eat half a cup (serving) while I chatted?  No.  I probably had at least 3 cups...honestly, if not more.  I don't want to put it in my calorie app and find out what I've done.  If I work out today (which I now have to in order to have enough calories for dinner...), I will be hungry for dinner.  Which I would've been anyway, but now it's guaranteed.  What does this mean?  I went over my calories for the day...AGAIN.

So now I'm waiting to go to yoga.  I'm supposed to be leaving in 5 minutes.  I will have to sweat in yoga with a sugar heavy, full stomach.  I just decided while writing this that I may skip yoga today and just run instead.  My stomach hurts.

Damn calories.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Boring update

Well, I haven't been doing well with my diet at all.  It seems as though I like to sabotage myself.  As soon as I make a commitment to do better, I seem to do it for a day and then the next 3 days are a disaster.  As a result of this horrid behavior, I've gained another 4 pounds.  Awesome.

Other than that, not much is new.  I have my second interview on Wednesday at the health center in LA.  I'm just biding my time til then.  At first I didn't really want the job because I didn't want to move to LA, but the more I've thought about it- the more I feel like this could be a new opportunity to go in a different direction than I'm going right now (Do I even have direction right now?).  I'm bummed to leave my friends and my life here in Orange County, but I'm excited about what could be next.

I feel like my blog is boring lately.  I want to change it up.  Suggestions as to what I should write/talk about?



Thursday, September 8, 2011


I'm pretty bummed out today.

Yesterday was a hard day- though it started out pretty decent enough.  I went to my interview in LA and it went awesome.  They called me back for a second interview next week.  I'm excited but also kinda bummed- I don't want to move up there but I'll have to if I get this job.  The commute took over an hour during the middle of the day- I can't imagine what it's going to be like during morning rush hour traffic.  But it's also a relief to know I could potentially have a job again.  The pay is about a $15,000 pay cut- so that sucks.  It's still more than what I'm making doing massage right now.  If I can find a decent place to live and budget like hell, I will probably be able to survive.  I've already started scouring the wanted ads for massage jobs up there so I can maybe make a little extra to help me stay on my feet.

On the way back home I stopped in to see a friend that lives half way between here and LA.  Of course, as usual when I see this friend, she started telling me what's going on in her life.  Because we have mutual friends, she also was inadvertently telling me things that are going on in other people's lives too.  I don't know what I've done to the cosmo's...but I have about 3 or 4 people that are pissed off at me right now.  For different reasons...but it still sucks.  I've tried contacting two of them already to make amends.  So far, one of those two is willing to talk to me.  I didn't even know she was upset.  The other one finally texted me back after I attempted to reach out to him- he told me to leave him alone.  I have to honor what he asks of me, so I will, but I'm sad to see the friendship go.  Yet one of the others is a toxic person and I do not care to make amends with him.  He's apparently talking smack about me- she was telling me some of the things he was claiming.  I'm angry about it but trying to just let it go.  I don't want to confront him, I don't want to deal with him- everyone knows he's crazy so I'm just trying so so so hard to let it go and not be angry.  This is life.  Sometimes it sucks to deal with the consequences of your actions.  Sometimes it's hard to accept the consequences of your actions...I never should've been friends with this person in the first place.

All day I've been thinking while I've been doing my massages- why does life have to be so up hill sometimes?  I feel like I will never get the things I want.  I am battling just to survive right now.  All of my life I was told as a kid- if you really want something- go after it and it's yours.  It's depressing to know as an adult that this just isn't true.  I have chased and chased and chased dreams- to no avail.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true for you.  It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you suck.  I know some of you will probably try to tell me that it just means God has something else in store for me.  He probably does, but it still sucks to know that the things I wanted are not part of the equation.  Sure, there might be even better things in store than what I wanted- but I don't have hope for that right now.

I'm trying not to have a pity party but as you can see- I'm not doing a great job.  I'm also sucking at my diet lately.  Today was weigh in- 140.6.  Last week was 140.0.  AWESOME.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Still on my little rampage...while I haven't made it to yoga everyday (they closed early on the Labor Day Weekend and I didn't know and missed a few days), I have managed to stay off caffeine.  It's been huge for me!

So I don't necessarily love my calorie counter app.  I was trying to follow it's guidelines for a few days (claimed I needed 1182 calories a day + whatever I burned off during exercise) and I ended up gaining 2 pounds.  I think I'm eating more calories then I need...actually I know I am because I would not normally eat all those calories on my own; normally I would eat about 1250 a day with exercise, a little less without.  So 1182 calories plus 704 (if I ran and did yoga for example) is too much.  So yesterday I got pissed about it and just ate what I would've eaten if I didn't have a calorie counter and this morning the scale is back down.  Anyway, I'm warning you now because tomorrow I will post my weight and you'll see that I didn't lose any weight this week.  It's okay- it was a learning experience and I still worked out quite a bit this week and so I still feel good.

I'm an active girl.  I do massage for 6 hours a day.  I run.  I do yoga.  I try to run and do yoga everyday- doesn't happen everyday, but that's okay.  I'll get there.  I like being active.  I realized yesterday during one of my massages that massaging for 6 hours a day is getting easier, the better shape my body is getting in to.  I can last longer; I'm not as worn out.  It feels good.  As soon as I'm able to get a second job- I want to start getting massages on a weekly basis too. I can't afford them now, but I know they will help my body tremendously.  The fun ways you can spoil yourself when you have extra money... :)

Other than that ladies- I've got NOTHING.  Been trying to catch up on Sons of Anarchy from last season because the new season started last night.  Have an interview for a job in LA today- keeping my fingers crossed because it's a new job and a new start if I get it.  I'd have to move to LA- but that might not be the worst thing that could happen to me.  I've already had a phone interview- now on to step 2.  It's a marketing director position- could be good for me.  It's a 'real' job with benefits and vacation- which is about the only thing I care about at this point.  If I don't get it- I won't be upset.  I like where I live and I actually don't mind the massage job.  It's low stress and easy $$...but we'll see!

Keeping my fingers crossed!



Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sunday Funday

So proud of myself today- went for a 5.6 mile run after work even though I did not want to (as usual).  I downloaded a new calorie counting app and I'm obsessed with counting calories and working out now.  It's fun!  I got the Livestrong one- so far it seems to be decent.  My roommate downloaded one that you can scan the bar code in to, and it will automatically upload all of the info, so I kind of wish I had one similar to that- but overall I can't complain.

Still have not talked to any boys.  I went over to my friend C's house tonight and watched a tv show she has on dvd for 4 hours.  I guess I could be out trying to meet new guys- but I'm kind of over the whole thing right now.  In time, I'm sure I'll be back out soon enough. ;P

I hope you all are having a safe and fun weekend!!



Friday, September 2, 2011

Don't want to.

Why am I avoiding my run and yoga?

Maybe because IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.  I want to do other things.  Like be a normal part of society and go out and mingle with people of the opposite sex.

Instead I have a headache, work in the morning, and yoga and a run to do.  Urggg.  I hope the headache is caffeine-withdrawal related.  Then at least I can feel better about the torture I am enduring.

Okay well- I'm off to run.  My body is super sore.  Have I mentioned that I also do 5-6 hours of massage a day, run, am trying to do yoga every day and I'm also trying to get another job that is purely physical (waiting tables possibly) too?  I MIGHT be killing myself.  It would be cool if I could at least drop a pound or two.  Just might be.

I just went to have a huge ice cream with my friend C.  I wish I could've enjoyed it- You would've thought i enjoyed it the way I inhaled it- but alas, all I can think about is the calorie content of it.  Why must I eat things anyway, when I know they aren't helping my progress?



Thursday, September 1, 2011

Yoga Challenge

Well, I may or may not be obsessed with trying to do yoga for 30 days now.

Today is supposed to be day one; I figured since it's the first of the month- it will be easy to track the 30 days.  But it's actually day 2 of me going to yoga (in a row, I normally skip days because I'm always sore)...and let me tell you something- I. Am. Sore.  I don't know if I can handle 30 days.  I also ran 3 miles with the roomie tonight.

So I also want to lose a few pounds, which is nothing new.  My weight today (since it's the first and the beginning of a new month) 140.0.  I'm logging it here, and I might put it up on my sidebar too- so that we can see if I can actually lose something this month.  I have an article in Shape magazine that claims if you do this- you can drop 10 pounds in 30 days...but I know me.  And I know 5 pounds will be a big feat, if anything. So 5 pounds is the goal.

I still have not talked to any boys today.  It's really hard- I know everyone thinks Penis man is a douche- but he was distracting me from the massage therapist and now I have no distraction.  And I'm kind of lonely.  My roommates and friends all pat me on the back and say "great job!" for kicking guys to the curb- but then they all leave to go be with their boyfriends and I am all alone.  I know it's the right thing in the long run, but it is really hard to be alone right now. :(

Anyway- so the final thing I'm going to try to do this month is avoid caffeine too.  We'll see how long I make it. :)

xo!  Happy Weekend friends!!!


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Quick Update

I decided today while at yoga that I think I'm going to make myself do a 30 day yoga challenge.  I've never done one- so why not?

I want to also run a few days a week while this challenge goes on.  I don't know what happened to my body lately, but I am so flabby and it's making me insane.  So I'm hoping that yoga, yoga sculpt (yoga with weights) and running can trim me down.  Plus I might give up a few things while on this rampage.  I have to be careful though- not to over do this little challenge of mine.

I saw in Shape magazine the other day that this month there is a "drop 10 pounds in 30 days" article/challenge thing.  I want to do it.  I can't imagine losing 10 in 30.  That's insane- yet motivating.  Dare I try it?

Other than that- everything is quiet.  Have not talked to any men.  I went in to work today and picked up a few extra massages for extra money.  I also spent half the day applying for jobs.  And then I went to yoga.

I feel at peace today with my life.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Professional Weeder

Today, while doing massages at work, I was thinking about everything that has transpired in the last week or so and I'm bummed.  It seems, as I put it out there- that everyone pretty much agrees- men just want to get laid.  Fine.  But being single and trying to weed through all of the scum bags of Southern California can be depressing at times; and I'm a little bummed that I haven't found anyone decent to date or hang out with in the last 4 months.  We don't even have to date- I just need a good guy friend to do things with cause I am around so much estrogen I'm suffocating lately.

I don't even know why I'm feeling pressure to find a guy to date lately anyway.  Maybe because both my roommates have someone and I am spending more and more time alone.  I have gotten increasingly lonely these last few months.  I decided this morning though, that from now on if a guy at a bar asks for my number, I'm not giving it to them- no matter how cute he is.  Every guy I have met at a bar so far in the last few months has been an aggressive ass.  The problem is I don't know where else to look to meet someone.  I hate online dating and can't bring myself to do it; that seems to wield the same types of results as the bar for me anyway...guys just looking to get laid.  I know you have to weed heavily online too- I'm over weeding all the time.  It's all I do- weed, weed, weed.  It's tiring and so old to me.  All these guys do the same things over and over- no one is original anymore.  My friends keep encouraging me to hold on- they have met good guys in the bar and also remind me that "hey, we're in the bar and we're good girls so..." but I can't seem to attract a normal guy in the bar.  Bar is out.  Online is out.  I've never met a guy at the gym or at the grocery store- so don't even mention it.  I don't really go to concerts, and I work Sundays now so I don't go to church anymore really...


Where can I look to find a good guy?



Monday, August 29, 2011

Day off

Today is my day off and I'm so excited about it.

It's the first day off I've had in 13 days.  I don't even know what to do with myself.  Since everyone else I know works on Mondays, I think I am going to go to the movies by myself and enjoy a matinee.  I swore yesterday that I was going to work out and go to yoga, but it seems like the last thing I want to do right now.  Maybe this afternoon?  I just want to be alone to process some of the feelings I've been feeling lately regarding the massage therapist and the other guy.  I don't know why I am so attached and in love with the massage therapist- he has so many problems and is such an ass sometimes, but almost instantaneously, as soon as I think of what an ass he is, I remember all the sweet things he would say and do.  He was very intimate with me; I'm not talking sexually- I'm talking about talking with me for hours on end about my family and his family and our dreams and traveling the world together and etc etc etc...holding my face and keeping his face close to my neck and face and kissing me and whispering sweet things in my ear about how he thinks about me all the time and he has big plans for our futures and has never met a girl like me and on and on and on.  Ahhhh...the things he would say to me.  The way he held me and pressed his face into my hair and face and neck...I'll stop now, like you want to read this stuff- I don't.  I don't want to remember what a good kisser he was or how tender he can be- it's painful today, especially as I kick douche #2 to the curb.  Douche #2 reminded me that MT (douche #1) was actually pretty decent.  Anyway, I need to clear my head, so I am off to spend the day by myself.  Hopefully I can muster up a workout when I get back.



Saturday, August 27, 2011

The text from hell.

I don't know why, but lately I feel extra fat and flabby.  Like- extra extra fat and flabby.  The scale keeps saying I weigh around the same, but my double chin keeps laughing in my face when I look in the mirror.  I'm irate about it.  I like, seriously want to cut it off.

Tonight I was talking to a friend and she has about 70 lbs to lose.  She called me to let me know she bought 3 pairs of running shoes, she started a kickboxing class, and she's also starting South Beach.  While we discussed how not to lose yourself in the rampage...I started wondering why I don't make weight loss more of a priority- especially because I know it would make me so much happier if I would just lose these last 15.  The longer they are around, the more I hate and despise them.  I've had my days where I think it's so hard and I can't do it- but I've also done it before, so I know it can be done.  Why can't I just make it a priority and stick to it?

Part of it is this depression/funk I'm in.  The new boy is kind of a douche.  Today I was at work and opened my phone to find a picture of his penis.  Why he felt the need to send it to me I will never know.  I did not ask to see that veiny, red INFLAMED looking thing.  I will never understand why men MUST show you their it a testosterone thing?  SICK.  I don't want to see that thing, seriously.  There is NOTHING in me that is like- I wonder what his penis looks like.  NOTHING.  He let me know earlier this week he would not be sending me pictures of it because he was a gentlemen, to which I let him know I had no desire to see it, so thank you.  It occurred to me today that he's obviously been itching to send that pic for several days.  I'm just turned off- it's so typical and I'm so over it.  Chalk him up as another idiot- on to another.



Friday, August 26, 2011

Does Beauty = Power?

So today was another good day.

One of my best friends who lives in LA called to let me know that she might have a potential job for me.  My roommate also referred me to her recruiter who has helped place her in the past in prestigious companies, and I was able to get some things done that have really needed to get done.  I'm feeling a little hopeful again for the first time in awhile.  

So today I was having a discussion with one of my clients at work and I want your thoughts on this...

He went off today in the massage about women who are attractive and know they are he hates that they use their looks to get what they want.  I know this comment was partially directed at me; I say partially because in that moment I was explaining to him that I love being in my 30's because I can date men who are older and men who are younger than me.  He is 16 years older than me and has made it clear that he would be interested if I was/am.  I am not- nor will I ever be...not only because he is my client, but also because I'm just not.  Anyway, I was saying that even though I did this (dated younger and older guys) in my 20's too, I am older now and know myself better so I am more confident than I was in my 20's, and therefore get better results than I did in my 20's (even though I had age on my side in my 20's).  He was immediately disgusted- but I didn't feel like I was admitting I'm a hot tamale...I felt like I was saying- CONFIDENCE is the key- not looks.  But it got me thinking...while I totally don't feel that I have ever been cute enough to do this (use my looks to get what I want), I don't really see anything wrong with it- as long as you're not hurting anyone.  Am I wrong?  Is it wrong to use your looks to get a better deal, or get a job, or whatever, or should you stick strictly to brain power, chemistry, charm, confidence, intelligence (whatever)?  I need some input here folks!  He was super fired up- but I wasn't saying what he thought I was saying.  I have been turned down many a time by men who weren't 'falling for it' when I did try to use my looks, so is it a 'fault' if someone does fall for it?




Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fabulous Day


Today has been the best day ever.  First of all- upon awaking, I felt skinny.  So I weighed in and confirmed- weight is down to a number I haven't seen in quite a few months.  I am ecstatic at the moment.  Again, I don't know what I did for this drop...but I'll take it.  I am excited and motivated.  Then I went to work, got out an hour and a half early, got offered another part time job by an old client of mine (she owns a medspa- can we say FINALLY!?), had an ice cream cone from McDonalds, and THEN...came home and found THIS in my mailbox:

Hahahha!!!  I love this card- straight from my favorite blogger- Drazil.  She is so thoughtful and wonderful to send me this card.  Thank you D- thank you thank you thank you.  Made my DAY!!!! She added the most precious note on the inside too- I seriously love it soo much.

Guess what else made my day?  Last night the massage therapist texted me.  I let him know, very kindly, that he could not come over and see me.  I was very pleasant; the honest truth is I care about him deeply but I deserve respect and not talking to me for almost a month and then asking if he could show up drunk at 2 am is not acceptable.  It is officially over for me.  I am so happy that when it came time to prove that I care about myself and I won't accept this kind of behavior- I was able to stand up for myself and stick to what I want for me.  I feel so free and ready to meet the right kind of guy now.  I will always care about the MT because I really opened up to him and let him know so much about me- but that just serves to let me know that if I can do that once- I can do it again- with the right guy. :)

So yeah- today has been amazing!  I am so happy!  Now if I can just get myself to go to yoga and go running...



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The skinny

Hi loves!

I don't have much to report but I just can't seem to let that last post be the most current post on my page right now.  I want to thank the 2 of you who said something- it really helps to know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with familial issues, especially at this age.

In other news...I met another new guy...well- Sunday I went out with my friends and 3 guys got my number...but so far only one of them has actually texted and called me.  He is rather cute if I don't mind saying so myself.  Out of the 3 I met, he would be the one I would actually want to talk to- so that is good.  I would tell you more but I've realized over the last few posts that I'm always meeting new men and telling you guys, and none of them really work out so what's the point.  Plus I've gotten super paranoid about my blog lately.  I've come across some info about some other people that they don't know I've come across...(internet you are...informative) and if I found out that someone I knew was secretly reading my blog I would die.  So I'm keeping hush about this boy until a later time.  But know he is cute and he is genuine and sweet and I'm appreciative of him so far.

Ever since I had that interview at the Plastic Surgeon's office (they still never called, btw), I've become super annoyed with my weight.  I'm 15 lbs over my "ideal" weight for my height; usually I don't mind THAT much, but lately I do.  Especially now that I've met this new boy (I will say this much- he is an athlete...not just work out guy- he actually plays a sport for work) I'm super paranoid about my weight and ready to drop some lbs.  I know he met me at this weight and so he must be okay with it because he still came up and talked to me- but for some reason I feel fat and want to be much skinnier the next time I see him (which will probably be tonight or tomorrow anyway).  I know it's impossible to get skinnier before I see him again, but my point is a new fire has been lit under my ass.  I WILL GET SKINNY.

New rampage anyone??



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No you didn't

****Warning!!! This is a venting post and probably not exciting to most of you.  It will possibly get deleted asap.

So I told my sister a huge secret the other day about some drama in my life and of course, despite her swear to secrecy, she told my mom.  I'm now in a huge fight with my family. HUGE.  I don't know when I will be speaking to them again.  They don't know I'm as upset as I am; in their minds- they are allowed to be upset because I didn't tell them this drama sooner (it actually transpired in May and it's now August), but I'm a little bugged that we had to have a conversation about it at all.  I don't know why my family doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to honor confidentiality- but it has always been this way and the last time I told my mom something in confidence (probably a year ago now) and she barged right over to my sister and said something, I knew it was a problem.  She felt justified in saying something because it was about her; it was never addressed once that I asked her not to say anything.  When I brought it up- she was like, "well since it was about me, I needed to confront her".  Okay.  I decided right then and there never to say something to my mother again.  Now my sister.  She has kept confidences for me before so I thought I could trust her with this one- but alas...she 'got concerned' and called my mom.

It's not that I don't believe that she was concerned- or that my mom doesn't have a right to be concerned; the secret was a serious one.  It's the approach, and the inability my family has to keep a secret.  I can't win with my mom.  If I blow up- I'm in the wrong.  If I silently sit on the phone and let her say whatever she needs to say- I'm still in the wrong.  I don't know how to react so that she will stay calm and drop an issue- she is absolutely incapable of just saying something and then dropping it.  She gets all emotional and is looking for a fight most of the time.  I sighed tonight because the lecture had started and I'm TIRED from working all day- and I got a remark for that.  I didn't even realize I did it until I was called out for it...again, me in the wrong.  I can't be patient enough while my mother lectures me- at 33 years old- for my choices.  If I say "okay"- it's wrong.  You don't get it- I literally cannot win.  I CANNOT WIN.  Despite the fact that it was MY trust that was betrayed, I'm now the one who is in the wrong because now everyone is concerned that I'm not making smart choices.

2 days ago, when they didn't know about the drama from 5 months ago- I was capable of making healthy living choices.  Now that they know this one thing- not even something I did, but something I was involved in (and that other people say I handled EXTREMELY WELL), I am uncapable of being a grown ass woman who can take care of myself.  My mother worries incessantly that because I am not married and I live so far away- there are too many evils in the world that could get me at any moment.  2 days ago- this wasn't the case.  They forget that I'm a fun loving woman.  That I'm smart.  That I've been living as a single woman in California for 3 years.  That I've lived as a single woman MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE.  I know not to walk outside after dark alone.  I know how to get rid of a douche-bag at the bar...I also know how to pick friends and clean my car and pay my bills...has it ever occurred to anyone that I might be okay??  Has it ever occurred to anyone that I might know what I'm doing and that I can be trusted to be a grown woman?? ANYONE!?

So yes- my mother called- and for the first half hour- she was normal and I was excited because I thought for the first time- she is not going to do this to me (I already knew she knew because my sister called to confess...knowing that my mother was going to call me and confront this "issue").  Then she brought it up.  She started asking undermining questions that we both knew she already knew the answers to- and she knew would piss me off- (and she did).  So I tried- as I always do- to just go into some subservient mode- even though it pisses me off so bad and it's all I can do to just sit there- and let her have her go.  I just want out of the lectures and the speeches like I'm 5 years old again, but she will never NOT do it.  And she will be upset that I'm not excited about it either- but she also will NEVER change the way she approaches any topic because it works for her.  It doesn't work for anyone else- but by golly it works for her.

Anyway- this is getting too detailed and a cute boy started distracting me with precious texts so I'm going to stop.  Just know I'm pissed.  I don't know when I'm going to talk to them again.  I am not going to apologize for not telling them sooner.  THIS IS WHY!  It's overly dramatic and blown out of proportion and then pressure is put on me to figure it out immediately. And when they tell each other- they dramatize and exaggerate it too so it just turns into the worst thing that could've possibly happened to any human being on earth; and now D must fix it IMMEDIATELY despite all of the other shit she has going on with in her life that she is also dealing with.  In case anyone forgot- D "dealt" with it 5 months ago when it happened.  Now my decision must be submitted to the board of sister and mother from approval.  NO THANK YOU.

Gotta run- sorry if you read this.  It's filled with anger and frustration.  Like I said, I"ll be deleting it soon.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm a kisser

So last night I went out with my roommate and a new guy she is seeing; we went to sushi and then I wanted to go dancing for a bit- so they accompanied me to a little local spot...and I met the cutest little 25 year old and just had to make out with him to make myself feel better.  The 25 year old's name is the male version of my name and for some reason, I got a huge kick out of that and started kissing him.  Who does that?  Me.

I love to make out.  I love kissing so so so much; I try to do it as much as I possibly can.  I've been known, on several different occasions, to kiss more than one boy in a night- there is something about kissing that I can just never get enough of.  Maybe I shouldn't do that (kiss multiple boys in the same night), but I find it harmless because I don't go home with anyone afterwards.  I'm single and so the opportunities are not always available to me (to kiss extensively- which is why I think I love it so much).  When I do finally get an opportunity- I have to take full advantage- and last night I did!!  He was such a good kisser too; kissed just the way I love.  Soft and tender; holding my face in his hands while he smooched me.  He was so HOT too! Sigh.  I know this sounds completely vain but he was really really good looking and that boosted my ego too because young hotties like that don't usually attract to me; they usually can be found with the skinny little youngins.

I admit I've kissed one other boy since things went south with the therapist (last weekend I kissed someone new) and it was hard; I love the way the therapist kissed me the most.  When I kissed the guy last weekend- I realized I didn't really want to kiss anyone new.  Sad!  Oh well, time to move on.  I have realized this week (and I think this is good at least) that I want more.  And I will not settle until I get what I want.  There are a lot of things I want and even though I've hit some hiccups in the road, I can still be happy and hopeful because I can still get what I want in the end. :)

I have seven days of massage ahead with no days off and I'm not excited.  Time to head to bed so I can be rested for tomorrow!



Thursday, August 18, 2011


I couldn't help it and I started trolling jobs again.

I might have an addiction to looking for jobs.  I was looking for a night gig- a waitressing job or something to supplement my income and help me pay off my bills, and then I found a gig at a plastic surgeon's office and I couldn't help it- I had to apply.  Well!  I've got an interview in an hour.  I'm beyond ecstatic.  I am trying to keep myself calm and remember- it's just an interview and I'm trying not to let my hopes get too high.  But the chick told me on the phone that I will "love working here, it's so much fun" and that is basically what did me in.

I've researched the position and the website and all of the procedures he offers (the doctor), and I feel really good about working there (if I get the job).  I would have benefits again.  I would have a normal schedule with weekends off.  If I really wanted to be ambitious, I could go get a side job at massage envy or even stay at the chiropractor's office on the weekends for awhile to help me make extra $$ to pay off my bills...if I wanted to.  I wonder if the girls that work there get free facials and treatments and stuff. How exciting?  I mean REALLY!?  Why am I so in love with the beauty/aesthetic industry?  I think most of the machines are crap- I think most women who get a lot of work done look plastic...and yet I cannot stay away from it.  It's another addiction, I swear.

I hope this is it; I really, really do.  My resume is starting to look shot- I've had 3 jobs in the last 3 years I've lived here.  In my defense, 2 out of the 3 I took because I needed a job- so of course, 2 days into the job I started looking.  I'm not one of those people that can continue going to work despite hating it- if I hate it, I start looking.  ALWAYS LOOKING.  I was talking to someone about this the other day and she made me take a personality test and sure enough- according to the test, I'm the type of person that changes my mind often and tries a bunch of different things.  I also get bored easily.  Surprise.  I'm already bored typing about all of this.  My point is- I need to find something I love so I can stick with it.  I've wanted to work in marketing for a plastic surgeon's office since I got here- and now hopefully I might get that chance. ;)

I'm in a really good mood right now.  I'm hopeful.  All morning I was busy plotting my new life and strategy and it was totally nice to be distracted from the hairy, stinky men I had to keep massaging.

And now I've got to go!



Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Surprise of the day

Well, I shit my pants today.

I'm not kidding.  I literally shit my pants; I've never done that before in my adult life (I don't think I ever did it as a child either- but if I did, I've blocked it from my memory).  I can also say- up until today- I was pretty confident that I would NOT do this in my adult life- at least until much much later in life.  I'm so thankful I wasn't at work- seriously.  I'm even more grateful that I was home ALONE when it happened.  I know this is graphic- so those of you with a weak stomach, forgive me- but I just thought I had to fart!  I was just relaxing on the sofa, watching tv (it's my day off) and apparently I had a quick dose o' diarrhea.  Just one quick dose- after the shower and the bathroom scrubbing and all clothes in the wash and the gagging and a bunch of cussing- it never happened again.  I pray it never happens again.  I never even felt the boiling/churning that comes with diarrhea usually.  Just a quick squirt and then on with my day.  Only it wasn't just a "quick squirt" but I won't get into how much really soaked my clothes and dripped down my leg and stuff.  UGH.

The other good news is- I didn't get any on the couch or carpet- but I did say "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" about a million times on my way to the bathroom.  Maybe because it was my first time shitting my pants so I didn't really know it was happening and it kind of took me by surprise.  Awesome- another thing I get to have anxiety about.

So that's how MY day has been going...

In other news- I've still kept 2.5 of the mysterious 3 off.  I am now motivated because it's still gone- I went running AND did yoga today before the shitting incident.  I've also eaten pretty well (salads and toast for breakfast), and I've drank a ton of water.  It was the salad- I know it was the salad.  I made a tomato salad with mozz balls in it for lunch.  I know it was that stupid salad!

I'm also a little nervous because tonight me and "the girls" are going to Olive Garden.  I can NOT pig out- I barely dipped back into the 130's and I intend to stay here for awhile- which means I have to watch myself.  Dang it.  I don't have much control when it comes to Olive Garden's buttery breadsticks and the boats of Alfredo they grace our table with.  Oh I know these items will be ordered- they are the reason we go there.  I'm also nervous about my stomach now...I will NOT be happy if a rumble ensues and I have another bathroom issue.

Hope your day wasn't as shitty as mine. :)




Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Some good...and some better

Well, I met with the boss last night to clear the air.  He was very nice about things and we're "friends" again.  I feel better and I'm glad things are resolved.

I'm still looking for a second job; nothing new there.

My weight mysteriously dropped 3 pounds yesterday and i weighed in again today at the same low weight.  It's not a new low or a low I've never hit before or anything, but it's just curious to me that I'd drop 3 pounds over night and then keep it off for another 24 hours.  I'm not sure what I did to drop the 3 pounds, but I'm kind of excited about it and it's motivated me to go to yoga and go running today and tomorrow.  Funny how when you hit certain lows, you get motivated to keep going; and on the flip (for me anyway), when I hit certain highs- I give up all together cause I feel obese.

Other than that- nothing is new.  Still just holding on...



Monday, August 15, 2011

Are you serious

My life is so messed up right now.

Things have become evident in the last 48 hours that the massage therapist is avoiding me.  I thought that I was avoiding him until he texted me Friday night- but I'm starting to realize that in actuality- he is avoiding me.  I'm not sure what happened or why he's avoiding me, but now that I'm realizing it- it's driving me insane.  I hate relationships- especially when you're dealing with someone that won't talk to you or explain why they won't talk to you.

The boss texted me yesterday too.  He is hurt that I haven't tried harder to be his friend since he fired me.  Is this a joke?  HE is upset with ME...for not trying to be HIS friend, after he fired ME.  I wish I were a mature person, and when he texted me I could've dealt with it in a mature fashion- but when someone comes at me guns blazing, I don't exactly throw up a peace flag.  Instead I fire back- and fire back is what I did.  I don't think it's what he expected or anticipated- and I think I may have made things even worse.  Part of me doesn't care.  Part of me doesn't know what to say.  He kept sending these texts that were like "okay- have a nice life" and I just kept sending texts that said "what did you expect would happen?".  I'm a bitch.

I also met a new guy this weekend.  The problem is I'm broken from the massage therapist right now and really can't do anything.  We hung out last night and I could barely focus on anything he was saying or doing.  I feel horrible but I just cannot do it right now.  All I want to do is workout and avoid my whole life.



Saturday, August 13, 2011

I got anger management issues. What else is new.

So I was thinking today as I was at work- being a massage therapist- that I really love being a massage therapist.  I haven't been a full time massage therapist for like- 5 years.  I have worked in the professional world forever- and being able to just go to work and make $200 a day and make people feel good (and not have to think or figure out how to solve the worlds problems) really just makes me happy.  My mom and roommate have both commented that they can tell things are shifting for me- the stress and the worry are gone in my life and right now I'm free to just enjoy myself.  As I was thinking about how much I love my job- I was thinking also about how great my life is and I am really happy and at peace with most of it.  There are still a few things that need to be resolved:

 1) I had a pretty bad falling out with my boss from the sales company and I know I need to call and make up with him.  We were friends; so naturally I took it very personally that I got fired/quit.  But now that I've had some time to cool off- I realize that if it wasn't for him- I would probably not still be in California.  He did help me out by paying my rent twice for me- because he believed I would be able to sell a machine and make it back and pay him back eventually.  I wasn't able to sell a machine, but I will still pay him back- it will just take some time. I'm not a grudge holder and I'm not someone who is comfortable with having hard feelings and having someone else have hard feelings- I know deep down his feelings are hurt that I completely cut him out of my life when I quit/fired.  I deleted him as a friend off facebook and that did the trick- he got the hint and left me alone.  So I know he won't call me- it will have to me to call him.

2) I have a boy that I've been dating off/on for about a month now (the massage therapist/friend forever and now maybe more guy) and our communication is terrible.  I do things to him too when I'm upset.  I mean, I don't "do" things...and that's the problem- when I get upset or he doesn't do exactly what I want- I go silent and ignore him until I'm cooled off and then he texts me days later.  Same thing- when I get pissed at someone- I completely cut them out until I've either cooled off, or I've decided to deal with it, which I usually don't want to do.  I've done this twice now (to the massage therapist).  It drives him crazy and I can tell it's driving him crazy and I know it's not fair- so I need to knock it off.  It's causing a rift; I didn't talk to him for almost 2 weeks this time until he texted me last night- and the first thing he said after I responded back to him was- "you don't have to just quit responding to me every time I text something you don't like you know lol".  He tried to text me a week ago but I was still so upset that I didn't respond until the next day.  He didn't text me again til last night.  I do like him- that's the problem- I'm scared to be vulnerable...especially to someone that I didn't think I'd ever end up dating (we were friends for so long).

So there you have it- my new project.  Find another job to help me pay off my debt faster, and quit being a baby and giving everyone the silent treatment when I'm upset.

I do love my life. :)



Friday, August 12, 2011

Not a good fit.

Well, I didn't get the job at the swank restaurant in Newport. Ugh.  Back to the drawing board.

They called me this morning and left a message to tell me I wasn't a good fit for them.  Ha.  They kept claiming all night that since their service is impeccable, it takes a certain type of person to work there.  First of all- I don't know where they got the idea that their service is impeccable.  I've been in and out of the restaurant industry for 7 years...I know impeccable service when I see it.  It wasn't there; sorry- but it wasn't.  I've given impeccable service- this place was mediocre at best.  I even looked on Yelp before I went in to do that shift and after 140 something comments- the majority of customers agreed that the service gets like- 3 out of 5 stars if that.  That's NOT IMPECCABLE FOLKS.  I know California service sucks so they probably THINK they give great service compared to other restaurants around here- but I know good service and I didn't really see anything stellar last night.

Then there was the issue of me shadowing a girl with an attitude.  I don't know what I did- or if it was even me- but she was bitching all night about the host staff and how they don't know how to seat people, and even her customers.  When we passed one of her tables, a guest grabbed my arm and asked where her ice cream was.  I told the server, who got all upset and started bitching that it's on it's way soon enough and they need to calm down- and they better watch it because they were starting to irritate her.  Okayyyy.  I have no idea why it was so irritating to her but whatever.  I asked her- is it because they've been here for so long?  They were like- 85 years old!  Of course they are going to take their time with dinner!  She said that wasn't it.  I asked if it was because they were "high maintenance" (which I didn't think they were but I couldn't figure out why else she would be irritated) and she said yes, that was it, but I wasn't convinced.  She freaked out about 5 minutes later and asked that I shadow someone else; so I'm guessing that when the manager asked her how it was to have me follow her- her reviews weren't stellar because she was irritated.  Maybe I shouldn't have told her that her guests were asking where their food was?  I'm not sure.  Oh well.  All I can say to myself over and over is that it's okay- it wasn't meant to be and I'll find something else.  I'll find a restaurant where I can work and not be stressed out constantly about the mediocre impeccable service.  I think that was the other issue; no matter how many times they asked me if it was overwhelming me yet- I kept saying no.  BECAUSE IT WASN'T OVERWHELMING.  The servers only have 3 tables per section; yes there are a ton of things to do, especially because they are trying to give good service.  But it just wasn't anything that I didn't think I could handle- maybe I should've pulled more of my hair out.  Again- oh well.

So yeah, back to the job board.  Fingers crossed!



Thursday, August 11, 2011

Easiness of the Way

So I have 7 minutes until I leave for my last interview at a local restaurant and I couldn't be happier.  I hear the servers at this place make bank.  I am making decent money already at the chiropractor's office I am working at now.  If I can just suck it up for 6 months- 1 year or longer, I might be able to pay off the horrific debt I've built up.  I like this place (I'm interviewing at).  It's very chic...classy, and expensive.  It's located in "Fashion Island" in Newport Beach...which I would hope from the name alone you can guess is an upscale neighborhood.

The great thing about working jobs like waiting tables and massage is that they're low stress.  As long as you show up and do your job (and you do it right and don't do anything crazy)- you're usually not at risk for losing your job.  And I have a feeling with the way that the economy is going right now- that having a little job security might be beneficial for the moment.  Of course I intend to look for a "real" job eventually...just not right now.  I'm enjoying the lightness of the load...and until my debt is paid off- I don't want to constantly be worrying if A) I'll lose my job or B) where more $$ is going to come from.

Okay loves- sorry it's short but I have to get to my interview!  Wish me luck!!



Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Thank you all for the kind words on yesterday's post.  It has been an exhausting 18 hours or so, so to have your words lift me back up is amazing and I thank you. :)

I don't think yesterday would have been as bad except last week the boy that I've been seeing, the one that was one of my best friends for over a year now and then around 4 of July we started becoming "more", also let me know that this isn't working out for him.  I was thinking about that today as I was driving up to drop off my demo machine at corporate; it has been a 1-2 punch kind of week.  But I keep reminding myself that at least the ugly extensions that have been weighing me down are cut off and now I can move on- healthily.  Not that I thought he was an ugly extension- he wasn't, but he did have some issues and even though I was willing to accept them and him as he is- he doesn't want to be here.  So I keep trying to remind myself that now I don't have to deal with all of that and I can move forward.  I'm free!!!!!

Saying that to myself- "I'm FREEE" feels really good.  It lifts my spirit; I think I should say it to myself more often.  You should try it.  Say it to yourself like you mean it- look in the mirror and say- "I am FREEE!" I am free from the stress of that job; it has weighed me down and stressed me out like nothing I have ever experienced before...and I'M FREE OF IT.  FREEEEEEE.  I hope you're grasping the lightness that I feel by saying that- I keep typing it out but I don't know if it affects you like it's affecting me in this moment.  I don't have to let my burdens weigh me down.  They have for the last 4 months.  Isn't it all a mind game anyway?  We tell ourselves we're too tired, or too heavy, or this job is too much, or the sting will ruin me...but it won't.  It makes us stronger and we can FREE ourselves from that stress and worry and anxiety and pain at any moment.  Or at least I am able to right now for a moment (which I'll totally take).

I also went through and started cleaning out everything I have of the company.  It felt even better to throw everything away.  All of my brochures and business cards and training manuals.  Buh bye now.  Let's clear that space for something new...

I want to go celebrate!  I want to go have a Sprinkle's cupcake.  Unfortunately I am too poor.  But I also want to go to yoga and I can afford to do that. :)

So yes my friends, life does move forward and on...and away from this place.  If you are in a dark place- hold on because there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  You CAN BE FREE too. ;)



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

One less...

I got "fired" from my sales job today. Ha.  I was told when I was "hired" that I didn't work for the company; so how can they fire someone that doesn't work for them? I also tried to quit yesterday, and my boss stalled and started asking me a bunch of questions like, "Who said something to you?  Why are you trying to quit- I'm confused..." Sigh.  I think he just wanted to be able to call today and fire me so it could show on record that he fired me instead of me quitting.

It's just a blow to my ego.  I've never been fired before.  I know I quit working and went and got other jobs because I was too poor to keep trying to sell machines- but it still feels shitty to get that phone call.

In other news, I applied for that second job today as a server in a restaurant.  Who cares what I'm doing as long as I'm making money- right?  I don't.  If there is a man out there that is truly concerned about me being a waitress vs a professional...well...he was probably after status and money anyway.  I just want to be able to start paying down this horrific debt I've accrued trying to sell machines.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I am so bummed right now.  I knew this was coming- but still- nothing prepared me for the sting.  :(


Monday, August 8, 2011

Jobs life is changing in ways I didn't expect and I've decided to try to come back and be more committed to my blog again.

I haven't really wanted to write.  I don't know if it's a "break" I needed to take, or if the drama is just too much, or what.  But I got an email recently from someone who asked to post some links on my blog and it kind of spurred a remembrance in me.  A remembrance in why I loved blogging.  I'm still deciding what to do..

As far as my weight is concerned- I'm up up up.  I'm particularly large these days...for me.  I'm too depressed to do anything about it.

As far as my job goes- I don't have one.  Well, I have one, but it's not a "real" job.  I work at a chiropractor's office 5 days a week as a massage therapist.  I am looking for a new restaurant to serve in as well for more $$.  I think I might have found one last night- if they'll hire me.  The other restaurant didn't work out.  It's okay- I'm super grateful to have a job at all right now.  It's hard on my body to be working this much- but I need the money so I try to just ignore the pain I feel. :)

I'm poor people.  Like- REALLY poor.  But you know what?  I'm not sorry that I took the leap and tried to do something new.  I really still believe things could have worked out if the company I chose to work for had been an honest company.  The good news is- it's no longer my problem- I am quitting (probably) today; depending on when my boss gets back from out of town.  I took a leap because I believed in myself.  I learned so much and gained so much experience in these last few months- I'm not sorry at all that I took the job and the leap and that I failed miserably.  It's okay- life goes on.  I will find a new job eventually and be okay, I know it.

So...time to pull my life back together and get back to things.  How is everyone else?  I need to read some blogs and catch up!


Monday, July 25, 2011

Keep your head up.

I finally got desperate enough to go get a serving job in a local restaurant this week.  Part of me is so excited to make quick, easy cash; even though I've been able to make enough money to get by the last four months, I'm still so far behind it will take months...possibly even years to catch back up to where I was.  Part of me feels like a failure- I went from being a working professional with a college degree to waiting tables again- like I did in high school.  The other part of me doesn't care- it's a cool upscale restaurant/bar and I know the money will be fast and good.  I hope my back doesn't kill me.  Part of me is excited to do a job with about 0 responsibility; all I have to do is bring people drinks and food; part of me is already looking for another "real" job because I loathe working nights and weekends.

I'm old to be waiting tables.  33 years old.  Too old- half the girls that work there look like they're 12 and I wonder if they're even old enough to work in a bar atmosphere.  I think I got lucky and got hired because I look younger than my age; originally I thought there was no way I'd get hired when I saw how young the other girls are.  It's making me wonder what's happening in my life.  It's so turned upside down and so insanely different than it was 4 months ago; I'm having a hard time even grasping what's happening.  The only thing keeping me sane is...believe it or not...the ocean.  I don't go in the ocean- but I love knowing that the waves are happening all day every day and nothing can stop the waves from continually licking the beach clean of all of it's imperfections.

I fell in the sand the other night.  I was running on the beach after midnight with no shoes on (no I wasn't naked this time, but still with the same guy) and I tripped and did a face plant in the sand and got a slap of sand right in my right eye and mouth.  I'm so thankful that my eye is not infected or swollen- it took two days to get all the sand out and I have no insurance.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE.

I'm just trying to be grateful for everything I've been given.  For this new job that may save me.  For my friends and family who love and support me.  For the opportunity I have to live so close to the beach and live in such a beautiful place.  I could go on but you probably won't keep reading.

So on that note- there's the latest update.  Love you all- hope you're doing better than I am.



Saturday, July 9, 2011

Am I growing or receeding?

Well, I haven't written anything cause there really just isn't anything to write about.

I think I have finally kicked all the boys to the curb and I'm ready for a new batch.  It's funny because when you're trying to kick them to the curb, they won't go.  When you decide you've changed your mind about one of them, he ends up being the jerk.  So they are all gone.

My life has changed so so so much in the last 3 months.  Lately I feel like I am really learning so much about myself and life in general.  Lately I'm trying to learn to keep myself out of "the box".  For so long I have lived my life by other people's definitions and lately I don't feel like this works for me anymore.

I guess the reason I'm thinking about this so much lately is because a friend of mine is going to AA...and a lot of the things she talks about reminds me of ARP.  I am NOT knocking these types of programs in anyway, but I kind of having a problem with labeling yourself as an alcoholic.  I know it helps people to know this about themselves so they can change.  Ultimately I quit going to ARP because I got tired of constantly having to label myself as an addict...I don't know if I'm an addict or not.  I don't care for the label.  The program helped me beyond being an addict, but trying to figure out if I was an addict constantly was annoying.  There were days I was convinced I was; and then there were days that someone convinced me I wasn't.  I still don't know if I am an addict.  I know people relate and grow through labels, but lately I don't want to be a part of it.  As my friend calls me and tells me about the things that are going on- she beats herself up if she doesn't live up to the things she's been taught about drinking thru AA.  If she has a drink, she thinks she has failed and must start all over.  This is what bothers me with labels; I don't think she's failed necessarily.  Is it good to drink if you have a problem?  No.  But does that take away everything she has ever learned in AA?  No.  I understand accountability, and I understand the need for people to have something to build up, but I don't think all is lost if you mess up occasionally.  And so this is where I am.

It's not just "alcoholism".  It's also about religion too for me right now.  As a mormon- I'm told I have to do this or do that to be a "good mormon".  If I don't do those things, or I do other things instead, I'm considered a "jack mormon".  I'm over these labels lately too.  While I'm not completely comfortable with everyone knowing my business quite yet, I also am tired feeling guilt for things that other people do everyday and it's not a big deal, but because I'm mormon, it's a big deal.  Does this discount everything I know and believe?  No.  What does it mean though? That I'm a Jack Mormon?  Does God think that?  Am I loved less because I don't believe in these labels anymore?

Anyway- just my thoughts vented out for a second.  Hope you guys are having a great weekend- I have scrubbed my floors and went grocery shopping and laid out at the beach today.  Now I'm about to go for a run and I'm happy about it.



Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Almost got arrested...naked. Ha!

You'll be proud to know I went running again yesterday.  Today I might just go to yoga; my legs are not used to the 4 miles I'm trying to tack on them everyday right now.  Can we say holy flab?  I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing- honestly.   

The sun is out and it's insanely gorgeous here in HB today.  I mean, insanely gorgeous.  Wish I could somehow capture it and put it on my blog for you to sample.  The sun, the temperature, everything about this day (weather wise) is perfect.  I never get over the fabulous weather here.  When I was talking to Wisconsin/Chicago boy back in Jan/Feb, he said he would never move somewhere like this because he didn't want to get used to such great weather.  Wha????? That doesn't even make sense.  I have lived here for 3 years and I'm still not used to it.  LOVE IT...maybe I'll go running after all.

OR I might go lay out for a bit.  Did a little bit of work this morning but now I want to take advantage of the freedom that my job offers and the beauty of the weather I'm not enjoying by being inside. 

I do have a boy story..if anyone cares... Wanna hear about it?  Keep reading if you want to see a night in the life of Dizzy...

So there is a boy I've known for about a year now- he is my friend I've told you about that is also a massage therapist and is helping me find a job.  We met at the bowling alley about a year ago; he goes to my church and lives just around the corner from me.  When we met, he was interested right away- the first night he was kissing my finger and asking me if I wanted to go out sometime.  I'm trying to remember if we ever had a real date; can't remember now.  He's always kind of liked me, and I have gone back and forth on liking him; sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  I think we just ended up making out a few times when we first met and then he kind of disappeared.  He told me later that he started dating this girl that lives in Southern Orange county (about 45 min away) and we just became friends after that.  

Lately we've been hanging out a lot again; he's been calling me to give me updates on the places he works in case I want to work there too (he works in several NICE resorts down here).  Last night he hit me up to see if I wanted to do dinner and we ended up out and about.  One thing led to another and the next thing you know, we were streaking on the beach at midnight, trying to avoid the police who comb the beach after curfew.  I don't streak, ever.  I don't think I ever have, let alone with a man.  Let alone when there is a damn spotlight combing the beach looking for trespassers.  I was running my ass off- you would think that my life depended on that run.  It kind of did- there was no way in hell I was letting a cop catch my naked ass, or really hold still long enough for this dude to really get a good look at me in my birthday suit.  Needless to say, after all of that fun- we ended up on one of the lifeguard towers, giggling and kissing like crazy (after our clothes were back on).  Of course.

After it got too cold to stay out there, we went back to his house (he lives a block away from the water) and he built a little bed out on the patio and we slept under the stars with tons of blankets.  It was really fun and this morning he was being so sweet and cute before he left for work.  I tried SUPER HARD to get him to stay home today and just hang out with me; I kept throwing out all the things I know he loves that we could do on our day off, but the good man went to work like he should.


Needless to say- I had a good night last night.  Like I said- I need to fill the pipeline with new boys- why not start with an old friend??



Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pre- Rampage

Some of you may or may not have noticed..

My blog never seems to be about health anymore.  I've been so consumed with my life and my job and making any $$ to survive- that food and health have kind of been the last things on my mind.

Until my roommate reminded me that it's one week til the 4th of July. Eek.

Here, where we live in Southern California (Huntington Beach especially), the 4th of July is a BIG DEAL.  I think a 4th of the state of California's population shows up in Huntington Beach on this weekend.  If you live here- you cannot leave your house- EVER during the weekend, or you will lose your parking spot (unless you're one of those lucky sons of bitches that has your own garage).  I live downtown and it is especially heinous down here.  There are not many garages, and half the time people will park in front of them anyway because there is no where else to park.  But I'm getting side tracked- who cares about all the parking problems?  My point is- the place is PACKED.  Rats...(as we call them) are running a muck all over the city. Packs of rats in bikini's and surf shorts and nothing else.  EVERYWHERE.

I cannot be the only person on this side of the continent in clothing.

The good news is- yesterday I weighed myself and I weighed in at 138.4  Not great- but I can work with this.  So last night I went running.  I ate super controlled yesterday and went running 4 miles last night.  Rampage on.  The good thing about this rampage is even if I only lose 2 pounds- I would still rather lose them then not. I don't anticipate losing a ton of weight because I only have a week...but since it's only a week I can suck it up.  Working out and losing weight and watching what you eat all seems to take up so much energy- energy I've been focusing elsewhere.  BUT NOT THIS WEEK.

It felt good to be back on the wagon yesterday.  The run felt amazing.  Now I'm blogging in attempt to avoid running right now (I need to run before I take my shower and head up to the office for a bit).  Just because I did it once does not mean I don't dread doing it again.  But I told myself last night- I can be dedicated for a week.  I can make working out a priority.  I can make eating healthy a priority.  Even if only for a week.

I've also been laying out like crazy too.  Which is horrible for your skin and I admit- being in the skin care industry- I feel guilty about it.  But I must!  I will not be a polar white on the 4th!  I'm already super behind everyone else- after laying out Saturday AND Sunday last weekend- I finally got a tan line.  FINALLY.

So yeah- rampage on.  I'm trying to meet new boys; all the old ones except one have been cut.  The one who has NOT been cut...just won't go.  I've tried like- 8 times.  He. Will. Not. Give. Up.  I spent the night at his house the other night.  He called yesterday to say thank you for spending the night.  Nothing happened (physcially) besides some kissing- but I still thought that was really sweet of him to call.  I don't know though- something about him is just not working for me- but I'm not sure what it is.  Anyway- we'll delve into that a little more another time- This post is about the 4th.

What are you doing for the 4th...any plans yet?



Friday, June 24, 2011

New Hope

Well...things are starting to look up from where I'm at!

Yesterday was a huge day.  I have been in a depressed pyscho funk for days, and yesterday was no different.  Wake up in the morning- no desire to do anything but lay in bed and cry.  I haven't been able to figure out what I should do- I've been looking for new jobs but nothing has popped up so I've continued trying my best to sell a machine in hopes that something would come through in the mean time.  My boss, who is trying his best to help me, invited me to a Spa event on Wednesday night.  There were so many spa connections there and I worked hard to network and get to know as many people as I could; not only for work's sake but also because I was hoping to meet some people I could maybe work for/with at some point.  I realized Wednesday night though, that I'm still too new in this arena to really be trying to leave my current job.  Plus, it's tacky to be at a function representing one company, but trying to find a job at another, so I let that go pretty quickly.  Anyway- this is what caused me to lay in bed yesterday morning, verge of tears.

My mom had to coax me out of bed and to get to work (she called), so eventually, despite my inner protests- I got up and did some work.  Wouldn't you know it, twas the best thing I could've done for myself.  I made some visits to clients and it felt so good to be out talking to people again.  I really haven't been doing a lot of prospecting lately because I've been so busy working leads that have been coming in to the corp office.  But there is something about just getting out and talking to people that are fresh eyes and ears that really is fun to me.  By the afternoon I was feeling so much better-and then it happened.  A woman I've been calling lately called me back and said she wanted to buy a machine!  I was so excited I almost peed myself. ;)  She's buying a pretty small machine- the smallest we carry- so I'm only going to make about $1200 on it, but I don't's enough to pay the rent and a few bills.  I'm so ecstatic.  I also got a text from a friend that is a massage therapist- telling me to hurry and finish my massage license application because the place that he works is hiring a part time massage therapist for a few days a week- so if I can get my stuff in, he can help me get the job.  It pays about $60/hr and he said he averages about $2400/month.  While that's not a ton, I'd only be working 3 days a week for 5 hours a day and that is enough for me to be able to pay all of my bills.  It also gives me time to keep working as a rep until I'm more stable with my income.

So, of course- I'm having the best day today. ;)  Funny how I can go from tears in my bed one morning, to being on cloud 9 and motivated to work out, eat healthy, and LIVE within 24 hours.  90% of my anxiety has been from to see that the Lord has actually heard my prayers and pleadings and sent me a few job leads just makes my heart soar.

Good times on the horizon my friends- good times!!!