Saturday, July 9, 2011

Am I growing or receeding?

Well, I haven't written anything cause there really just isn't anything to write about.

I think I have finally kicked all the boys to the curb and I'm ready for a new batch.  It's funny because when you're trying to kick them to the curb, they won't go.  When you decide you've changed your mind about one of them, he ends up being the jerk.  So they are all gone.

My life has changed so so so much in the last 3 months.  Lately I feel like I am really learning so much about myself and life in general.  Lately I'm trying to learn to keep myself out of "the box".  For so long I have lived my life by other people's definitions and lately I don't feel like this works for me anymore.

I guess the reason I'm thinking about this so much lately is because a friend of mine is going to AA...and a lot of the things she talks about reminds me of ARP.  I am NOT knocking these types of programs in anyway, but I kind of having a problem with labeling yourself as an alcoholic.  I know it helps people to know this about themselves so they can change.  Ultimately I quit going to ARP because I got tired of constantly having to label myself as an addict...I don't know if I'm an addict or not.  I don't care for the label.  The program helped me beyond being an addict, but trying to figure out if I was an addict constantly was annoying.  There were days I was convinced I was; and then there were days that someone convinced me I wasn't.  I still don't know if I am an addict.  I know people relate and grow through labels, but lately I don't want to be a part of it.  As my friend calls me and tells me about the things that are going on- she beats herself up if she doesn't live up to the things she's been taught about drinking thru AA.  If she has a drink, she thinks she has failed and must start all over.  This is what bothers me with labels; I don't think she's failed necessarily.  Is it good to drink if you have a problem?  No.  But does that take away everything she has ever learned in AA?  No.  I understand accountability, and I understand the need for people to have something to build up, but I don't think all is lost if you mess up occasionally.  And so this is where I am.

It's not just "alcoholism".  It's also about religion too for me right now.  As a mormon- I'm told I have to do this or do that to be a "good mormon".  If I don't do those things, or I do other things instead, I'm considered a "jack mormon".  I'm over these labels lately too.  While I'm not completely comfortable with everyone knowing my business quite yet, I also am tired feeling guilt for things that other people do everyday and it's not a big deal, but because I'm mormon, it's a big deal.  Does this discount everything I know and believe?  No.  What does it mean though? That I'm a Jack Mormon?  Does God think that?  Am I loved less because I don't believe in these labels anymore?

Anyway- just my thoughts vented out for a second.  Hope you guys are having a great weekend- I have scrubbed my floors and went grocery shopping and laid out at the beach today.  Now I'm about to go for a run and I'm happy about it.




  1. I really like this post. Especially the religion part. IMO spirituality is very personal.

    Thinking of you often! Mwuah!

  2. God thinks spirituality is personal, too. :)

    Chrstianity--following Christ--is not a set of rules. It is a personal relationship with the One who died to set us free from the bondage of sin and death.

    Diz, I know you love the Lord--ask Him to give you wisdom to know Him and His ways. You may be surprised by what he shows you and where He leads.

    You're in a great place for Him to reveal Himself to you in a real and personal way.


  3. I love this post and COMPLETELY agree...especially about religion. I'm a JACK Catholic by the labels people inpose because it seems I pick and choose which parts I personally believe in instead of just nodding and believing in them all no matter how I feel. Doing that just seems cult-like - I mean don't we all have opinions and feelings....why do I have believe a certain way to belong to a certain group when I change EVERY SINGLE DAY? You are who are - no label needed - period. You're freaking amazing...and I'm proud of you who are and to call you my friend. I label you AWESOME!

  4. Labels suck. Awesome post.

    I'd say more but I'm under-caffeinated and I tend to ramble...

  5. I hate labels too. They are unfair and judgmental. I think you should make your own decisions based on your own knowledge and conscience. I really dislike people who set themselves up to be some moral authority above others. We are all fallible and in the same human boat. Hang in there, Diz.

  6. Diz I agree your beliefs are between you and god and no man can judge you because man is flawed. God is a loving and forgiving entity and so many forget that. And labels are just that. A list on nonsense that they oppress upon another because it is easier to judge others than look into themselves. I think that as long as you follow your heart its going to be allright. I mess up but I try EVERYDAY to be a better person and in reality that is all you can do