Friday, February 25, 2011

Emo Porn

I love Trainer Bob.

I'm watching the Quaker Oatmeal commercial and I just decided that I might just be in love with him.  He's just so sexy!  Sure he has moments where he's a little effeminate, but overall I think he's hot.  He works out, he knows about nutrition, he pushes his contestants but at the same time also knows when to just be there for them...he celebrates their triumphs with them...He's HOT!  I mean, I'm just sayin...

I'm watching the Notebook and it's Friday night...and I'm watching it alone while typing on my blog.  I can't handle this- I've officially become pathetic.  I'm 33 year's old...I should be out meeting men.  I shouldn't be watching this emotional porn.  At least I'm not eating popcorn too. ;)

Okay lovies...I have to go.  More tomorrow!!!



Thursday, February 24, 2011



I just wrote a whole post and deleted it.  I want so bad to tell you guys everything about this new position and how awesome it is...LITERALLY- but I am not comfortable spilling the beans until it is all official.  And it's not all official yet- the owner of the company was supposed to meet with me today to discuss this new position and discuss the salary but he was tied up so we had to reschedule it.  But can I just tell you guys that today's meeting went fantastically and I am beyond floored?  I mean...if I could just begin to even give you a hint of what this new job would die.  Seriously.  I cannot WAIT to share with you guys.

Pray for me that I get this job- please.  I need all the prayers I can get for this.



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Toot it and Reboot it...

Hi friends!!

I got called back for a second interview with that company...tomorrow afternoon.  I am really excited and nervous, so I'm trying right now not to think about it too much.  Eeeek!!

I am also trying really hard to get a grip on my eating and I think I'm finally making a little head way.  I've decided to cut out sugar again for awhile- for one thing it just makes me feel like crap.  It really does.  Not right away- not while I'm eating it...but, 10 minutes after I eat it maybe?  Sometimes it doesn't even take 10 minutes.  I'm not sure when it hits, but it messes me up.  I will not be hungry for awhile after eating, I'll feel really full, and then out of nowhere I'll be starving and feeling sick because I'm so hungry.  But it's not REAL hunger, it's this weird's hard to explain unless you've experienced what I'm talking about (which I'm sure you all have).  It's like, I'm hungry but I'm still full from the last time I ate.  I don't know.  I go to bed way too full and wake up full; even if I haven't eaten around bed time. After cutting out sugar from my diet for 3 months and then only eating it sparsely (until Chicago), now I can tell the difference between when I eat too much of it and how my body feels with or without it.  So it's out for now.  I've gained 5 pounds and I haven't been able to lose it- and I blame sugar and Diet Coke and Coke Zero and any other dark soda that I've been consuming.

I didn't eat any sugar yesterday and actually didn't eat anything until 5 o'clock last night.  Yes, I was hungry and I know it's not smart to starve yourself- but I really wanted to reboot my system because I woke up full and feeling like crap yet again yesterday and I was over it.  I've been feeling like shit physically for 2 weeks now.  I'm tired constantly and full and feeling ill constantly.  I wake up thirsty and full and it's not normal for me.  I usually fast for about 24 hours once a month and I've learned that it really helps me reboot when I need it- so I did a half day instead of a full day yesterday to get back on track- you know, 12 or so hours.  I feel so much better already and i've been eating so much better since the reboot.  Today I've had some oatmeal for breakfast, an orange and some pretzels for a snack, sumi salad and roasted brussel sprouts for lunch, and half a banana with some peanut butter this afternoon for a snack.  I'm about to go for a run now and hopefully some yoga and then I'll have a nice dinner, which I'm super excited about.  I love feeling better!!!! :)

It's almost March my friends!  Studies show that the majority of us have abandoned our New Year's resolutions by are you doing??



Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy President's Day! I'm presiding on my couch as we speak...

In my sweats, drinking yet another Coke Zero.  Ahhhhh....

It's funny how quickly my mood can change.

I was half way through writing a post all about the anxiety I was feeling when suddenly I got a text from my co-worker saying- You know we have today off don't you- it's a holiday!?  (we work from home so I had no idea we actually got the day off).  YAYYYY!!

Suddenly I have energy and feel elated.  Life is so grand!

I went in for an interview today and had an awesome interview with this company and am getting really excited- the manager I met with today told me he thought I would be a great fit for the company and said he would call me in a few days (I am a little overqualified for the position I was originally applying for but was willing to take a step down in order to get the HELL out of my current job).  He sent me one of those online tests to take and apparently I did great so he is going to call me about some other opportunities.  What if I get a new job??? I am so happy!!  I have said over and over the last few weeks that after Chicago I've realized that I really do have the perfect life- I just am over my job.  So to find another opportunity is making my heart soar...cause this might be exactly what I need right now

I need to calm down.  See what I'm saying?  Mood switch so fast I might be manic. :)



Friday, February 18, 2011


I'm kind of pissed this morning.

First of all, I just read Draz's post and I am inspired.  I have a backbone too.

There is no need to sit here and keep feeling sorry for myself and let my eating be out of control.  I am up over 6 pounds since Chicago- and let me remind you that I wasn't "down" then.  I was hovering just under 140...but not anymore.  I've plummeted deep into the 140's...seeing numbers I haven't seen in months.  But you know what?  It's okay.  Of course there are going to be consequences for my actions, and I need to take responsibility for what I've been doing.

Last night I woke up around 3:30...feeling sicker than I have in months.  I ate a huge burrito right before I crashed and it was just sitting in my stomach and around 3:30 my stomach was PISSED.  Not as in..I just need to go to the restroom.  PISSED as in- you never do this to me, I'll show you Big Burrito.  I decided at 3:30 am I'd had enough.  I hate hate HATE feeling this way.  I'm not doing it anymore.

Who cares that some guy doesn't love me?  I love myself.  There's no reason to treat myself poorly.

So I'm having some detox tea right now.  I will go running today.  I will do yoga.  I will eat all healthy foods; mostly fruits and vegetables as I try to make my way back to normal.  I am drinking tons of water and will continue to try to get a gallon in today.  And I will love myself today.  I will be kind to myself and treat myself how I want to treated- with respect, patience, and love.

I have a backbone too, and it's a beautiful backbone that curves just in the right spot and personally I think it's a pretty spectacular backbone.  :)


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dead Non Boyfriend.

I think I'm going crazy.

I just got home from work and came to check my comments from a post I wrote last night.  Instead, I found two drafts from last night...both drafts were empty.  What was I doing exactly?  I could've sworn I wrote a post.  I'm losing my mind.

This week has been super hard as far as diet/workouts go.  I'm managing to get my workouts in but I am eating so so so terribly.  I have no desire to stop- that's the worst part of it.  I'm just kind of bummed still from the whole Goose (guy that I went to Chicago with) broke up with me even though he's not my boyfriend thing.  Yeah, Monday we had a discussion about our relationship because he made a comment early in the day that pissed me off.  It was Valentine's Day so I guess he felt pressured to mention that he "thought" about sending me flowers...which of course sent me into a tirade.  It's not a good idea to say that to someone, ps.  Either you send the flowers, or you don't; you don't get points for "thinking" about it.  Made me feel like I wasn't worth flowers or wasn't worth the time or $$ to send them, which I eventually told him, and ultimately we had to have a talk about the whole thing.  He finally told me how he really feels- that even though I'm "so great", he doesn't want to do long distance.  I can't blame him- long distance sucks a fat one and I know this from personal experience.  But it still sucked because I like him and I guess I was holding on to a glimmer of hope.  Maybe I should've just taken the hint from the fact that he didn't send the flowers.  Ah...I can be so dense sometimes.

Anyway- so I've been trying to process those feelings for several days now.  You know- letting go, moving on (even though I've said this several times now. I just don't want to.).  So consequently I've been running and doing yoga like crazy.  I've also been pigging out even more.  I'm barely maintaining.  I feel gross 90% of the time.  And I can't stop.

Process. Process. Process.  Let myself go through the process, I will pull through eventually and get back on track.  I just wish I could fast forward a month and be on with it.  Then it could be March and I could be freaking out about getting in a swimsuit instead of mourning the loss of my beloved who was never mine to begin with...


Welcome to my life.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Happiest Girl in the World? One day, young Paduin...

I can't believe all of the things that are happening in my life right now...

I have so much to tell you guys, and not enough time.  First of all, it's 11 pm and I'm just now writing this post.  I couldn't go another day.  But I have to make it super snappy because I have to be up early for work...

Okay, I'm going to cut everything out in order to save time and just tell you guys that I finally...FINALLY got back on the wagon today around 4 pm and it was awesome.  I was just done- you know?  I stopped in at Cherry on Top to have a little ice cream treat and it made my stomach cramp up (as sugar usually does) and I just thought- I'm done.  I'm over it.  So I came home and managed to run 4.5 miles and then go straight to Yoga Sculpt, where I almost puked.  I drank about 1/2 a gallon of water tonight (no joke- I'm seriously that dehydrated from drinking Diet Coke for 8 straight days...seriously my kidneys were starting to hurt), and I had some soup and took a hot shower and now I'm so excited to crawl into my bed.

I love being on a rampage- it makes me so much happier.

The other great thing that happened today is that I was talking to someone and he mentioned that I'm much happier when I have a plan.  I've been mulling over this and thinking about a friend of mine (or two) that is kind of struggling in this area as well.  I've come to the conclusion that I AM so much happier when I have a plan.  I'm talking about a life plan.  I'm talking about knowing what I need to do and want to do so that I don't feel stuck in a rut and doing nothing.  I'm not the kind of person that can just be content with sitting; I'm a doer (I guess this would depend on the topic considering I haven't worked out for 2 weeks).  I was happy to be studying for the GRE.  I'm happy when I get calls for a new job potential because it means new opportunities and growth.  And I'm happy right now when I think about all that the future holds and the opportunities I can create for myself if I will just take the time to figure out where I want to get to in 5 years.  You feel me?  So I am going to (yet again) make a 5 year plan.  This may or may not include grad school.  So what that I fell on my face once?  Doesn't mean I will do that again.  :)  Of course right now I'm so spazzy and almost manic from this realization that I should definitely take a breather and think about this some more before I go on a crazy rampage and type a million words. Of blithering.  Which we all know I tend to do.

Okay friends, literally that is all I can write about for now because I need to get to bed.  Are you a planner too?  What makes you happy?

I'm on a quest to find out how to be the happiest girl in the whole world.  I hope I can find the answers I need to make this thought a reality. :)



Saturday, February 12, 2011

Know any Richies?

The more I drive the car, the more obsessed with it I become.  Yesterday it didn't feel I couldn't drive it enough.  So beautiful.

I've also made another decision lately- tell me what you think.  Today I was driving around with a friend and we were talking about my never ending stress with my job.  She's the second friend I've had now that suggests that I do this: she thinks I should build my massage clientele until I can afford to support myself.  When I lived in Utah, I charged $100/hr and did in-house private massage.  I am trying to start that up again here in CA, but I don't know very many people.  I'm super excited about this because then I will be working for myself;  I would never again have to answer to another person.  Now, let me be clear on something; I don't mind having a boss- as long as he/she is a good boss.  Right now, I have a horrible relationship with my boss and don't care to try to fix it.  He is the reason I am constantly upset about my job.  I just want to take care of myself and no longer be dependent on someone else to make money to pay my bills...feel me?

The only problem is, it usually takes years to build a steady enough clientele that you can walk away from a day job. Does anyone have ideas on 1)How to build my clientele quick, and 2) network effectively (with the right type of people- how do I find them)?  I will NOT be advertising on craigslist or anything of that nature; the type of clients I am trying to get are NOT going to be looking for a massage on craigslist.  These are people who own $6 million dollar + homes and can afford to have me come to their house once a week or more.  People on craigslist are a crapshoot at best.  You never know what you're going to get or if they are expecting a "full release" massage, or a "happy ending" or something of that nature (usually they are if they're looking on craigslist).  I am not interested nor am I willing to risk it in order to find more clients- my clients usually come from word of mouth.  I have done it before and have about 3 clients now but want to build pretty extensively pretty quickly because I don't know how much longer I can do my job.  I am not from here though so I don't know how to start meeting the right types of people.  Most people I meet are around my same age and cannot afford me. ;)

One friend suggested that from now on I only tell people that I'm a massage therapist and don't tell people that about my day job; just tell them I'm a massage therapist from now on.  She also suggested I get some nice cards and when people ask my massage prices, I start at $100 and never give them the options for anything cheaper (which I wouldn't do anyway).  The key is to tell people the $$ amount with confidence- and if I'm dealing with the right type of people, I have no problem telling them how much.  I know she is right about this and obviously intend to do this starting now.  What else can I do though so that I am meeting the right type of people, and meeting quite a few of them??  Any tips??



Friday, February 11, 2011

I'm fast...

I didn't mean to, but I bought a new car today.

Yep.  2011 Black Nissan Altima.  It loves me.  I love it more.  Black on black, with blacked out windows of course.  I feel super cool.  It's the smoothest thing I've ever driven.  Also went to dinner with friends in LA to celebrate and met a cute new guy.  I've seen him around but never paid attention before, but tonight he was telling stories and he's actually quite funny and has the most amazing blue eyes.  I swear they were twinkling.  He's 6'4 too; you know how I love 6'4.  As soon as he said he was 6'4, I audibly gasped and told him I'm in love with 6'4 guys.  Someone rolled their eyes and said, "D, you just said that cuz you made out with a 6'4 guy in Chicago."  Hahaha, oops!

Rampage on!



Thursday, February 10, 2011

Heath Trends I love...

I've been thinking all morning about weight loss and the importance of staying motivated.  What do you do that motivates you to keep going?  Or to get back on the wagon, if you've been off (I'm so far off the wagon I can't even see the damn thing anymore)?  I've been thinking about myself and what I love to do to be and stay healthy.  So I've decided to list a few things in hopes that writing it out will help me get myself back under control.

Working out
I love running.  I love running down by the beach, to my little playlist of hip hop, in the sunshine.  It feels good to get my heart pumping and to move my body.  Studies show that running is one of the best things you can do to lose weight or maintain your weight, and recently I read an interesting article that talked about how the human body was designed to run.  The article proposed that our prehistoric ancestors ran animals to death- because our bodies are upright (allowing heat to escape our chests easier than if we were positioned downwards like most animals), we can run further than almost any animal.  While we may not be as fast as other animals like cheetahs, because of our long legs and uprights bodies (and a few other things), we can run further, which ends up being a benefit because any animal that is considered a running animal, can only sprint.  None of them are actual distance runners, which helped us outrun them in prehistoric times.  So our ancestors would chase animals, who would sprint off, try to rest, see us coming, and sprint off again...while we maintained a healthy pace- just following behind and waiting (and running).  Eventually the animal would collapse from exhaustion...and the article claimed that the human would then come up and cover the nose of the animal, who was already breathing too hard or hyperventilating...causing the animal to just choke and die.  It was kind of a stretch, but it still made me appreciate my body and my ability to run; and helped me remember that I CAN run further distances than I think if I just put my mind to it; I do agree and believe that our bodies were designed to run.

I also love yoga, as you all know.  Before Chicago- I was going to yoga everyday.  My body was super sore but also limbering right up.  Most of my friends who do yoga on a consistent basis claim that if they go a couple of days without it- their bodies start to fall apart.  I've also had several friends that have claimed that yoga tightened them up from "skinny-fat" to just "skinny", because the movements and holding the poses causes you to tighten up where you might be flabby.  Of course, I'm trying to learn this for myself.  I love the deep breathing and the focus that yoga brings me too- it helps me forget my day and my stresses and to just enjoy the moment that I'm in and I love that.

Drinking Water
I know it's hard to get in enough water everyday; trust me, no one knows this more than me.  But I love trying anyway.  I love having my bottle that I carry around and chug from- my body just feels so much better when I'm consistently drinking water on a regular basis.  Plus, I've heard before- that drinking enough water helps raise our metabolisms by 30%!!  That's a huge amount.  If our bodies are properly hydrated, doesn't it make more sense that all systems are a go?  If it's fresh, clean water...your body doesn't have to try to recycle the old dirty water that you drank yesterday (but didn't drink enough of so now it's trying to just use that same water over and over).  Your body is 70% water; it needs more fresh water constantly to sustain and replace water it's using to keep functioning properly (water cleanses your body of toxins and also helps thin out your blood a little so it's not all "sludgy" through your body).  Makes sense to me; I learned one time in massage school to think of it as a sewage system; if it's fresh water you're putting in- it can clean the bad stuff out.  If it's old dirty water, it's not going to be as effective at cleaning the bad stuff out, and that visual has always stuck with me.  I think I'm going to go get a fresh cup of the stuff right now.  I have a friend who drinks a gallon a day; while I first scoffed at her for this; I'm not trying to do it myself.  I just feel better and have more energy when I'm drinking water. :)  YES TO H2O!!

I don't know why anyone would want to skimp on sleep; every time I do- I feel like I have a hangover and it sucks.  Plus, i've noticed, that when I do skimp on it- I tend to be bloated and the numbers on the scale seem to be up.  I hate that.  It makes sense that the more sleep you get, the better you feel, and the more energy you will have to move more and get more done.  Your mind seems to be clearer (or at least mine does...low sleep usually means ADD and emotionally dramatic for me).  So yeah, I love sleep.  I especially love sleep once I've worked out and my body is exhausted.  They say you live longer too...which is always nice.  Sleep it up!

Just writing out this post has given me a little motivation to get back on track.  What keeps you motivated??


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Beautiful Day

Hi lovies!!

Well, things are slowly getting back to normal.  I feel great today- have I ever mentioned that my life is amazing?  Well, if I haven't lately, I'm doing so now.  Take note- you might have to remind me later.  But I think it's safe to say after Chicago that, I have an amazing life. :)

I have been super stressed about work lately.  I mean, SUPER STRESSED.  Today I decided that I am done being stressed about it.  Maybe it was the fact that I worked my budget (FINALLY after a month) and paid all of my bills and realized that I was not nearly as badly in the hole as I've been thinking I was.  When you don't do the math, you  have no clue where you are- and that's more stressful than knowing and living on the tight budget.  Maybe it's the fact that I have been doing extra massages lately and have been able to keep my head above water (BARELY).  Everything that happened in Chicago did not happen on a credit card, but out of my own pocket.  Of course, like I mentioned- Goose paid for most things.  But there were several times I would secretly sneak off to find the waitress and pay for things so that he didn't get to pay for everything.  After all that he already paid for, I could not let him get everything- though he tried.  I have been able to save a few hundred dollars too in the last few weeks, which is kind of a miracle too.  Maybe it's the fact that I have been applying for new jobs and even though they are sparce and few and far in between, it makes me feel better to know I'm at least trying.  As you all know by now, I love/hate my job.  Today I decided that I am going to go ahead and take the plunge to find something else.  I know I always say this- but the thing is I go back and forth all the time because I do have a good job, I'm just not good at handling the anxiety that comes with pressure.  But today I realized some things about my company that do not coincide with who I am and it made the decision easier for me; despite the easiness and flexibility of my job, I will find another one and move on.  It's time, and i'm finally at peace about it.  I feel good about this decision and have already applied for a few today.  My fingers are crossed- keep yours crossed too please.  Maybe it's the fact that Goose keeps texting me, even though we're millions of miles apart (that made this day so great).  Maybe it's knowing that even though I've gained 5 pounds, I can lose it again.  Who knows- the point is I'm done stressing.  Time to move on.

What a glorious feeling.



Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Are you guys dying to know how Chicago went?

My weekend was amazing.  It was one of those rare moments in life when you actually realize that the events happening around you are changing who you are as a person for the better.

I was supposed to leave Thursday night but because of the weather, my flight was cancelled and rescheduled for Friday, so I when I arrived at O'hare, it was around 6 pm Friday night.  The city was insanely beautiful- imagine Chicago city lights sparkling from the earth below (I was looking from the air) with the sun setting in the west and large chunks of ice frozen on the lake in the east.  There is an excitement and energy in big cities that I am addicted to.  I feel it every time I go to LA.  I felt it in Chicago.  Have you ever had something happen in your life when you suddenly realized that this moment was perfect and you would have done anything to capture it in it's perfectness?  You almost panic because you're afraid that you can't remember it all, exactly as it is and even as you think about it, you know it's passing you by.  That was me Friday night on the plane, hovering over Chicago.

The air was crisp and clear when I finally got outside of the airport and I was anxious to get to the hotel to start getting ready for my evening.  We had dinner reservations at a restaurant downtown at 8:30, so after a huge fiasco with my transportation from the airport, I made it to the hotel with about 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave for dinner (NOT what I had planned!).  It was barely enough time to update my make up and I was super annoyed and therefore in a crappy mood until I saw "Goose" walking across the lobby to meet me and take me to our room.  I knew what he looked like because we have been talking on video chat for several months, but still, he was so tall (thats the first thing I noticed)!  He's 6'4 and I'm 5'4, so he's tall. :)  I love tall men, have I ever mentioned that?  LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  They are so sexy...he came up and gave me a huge hug.  "Hello there Beautiful Lady, glad you made it" and right away I knew it was going to be an awesome weekend.

We had a fantastic 'first date'.  We went to dinner at this fancy restaurant downtown that was really amazing and then we came back to the hotel room because I was too tired to actually go out and do anything.  We kissed for the first time there and ultimately ended up making out until my face was raw- literally.  From his scruffy beard face.  I seriously have a scab on the tip of my nose and on my chin; of course I couldn't feel it in the moment- nor would it have stopped me from kissing him constantly that whole night.  It ended up being perfect that we didn't go out because we could relax and talk and cuddle and just get to know each other a little better before the rest of the weekend began.

My favorite moment came Sunday morning though.  We were staying at the Crown Plaza Hotel, right off of Magnificent Mile; Skyscrapers abounded outside our hotel window.  We were site seeing all day Saturday and ended up crashing so hard Saturday night that I don't even remember hitting the bed.  And the bed was so huge I never even felt him in my vicinity once, until I woke up to someone kissing my forehead. :) "Good morning Gorgeous".  I was immediately scooped up and cuddled for a few minutes before he finally got up and opened the curtains.  To our surprise, it was snowing.  The window was a huge one from floor to ceiling, and we laid in bed til about 10 just watching the snow fall all around the skyscrapers outside.  I don't know if I've ever had a more perfect moment in my life.  It was so relaxing; being in a wonderful city, with a wonderful man in a huge plush bed, enjoying the snowfall outside the window.  From the warmth of our bed.  Being able to forget all of the stress in our lives and just enjoy the Sunday morning peace and laziness of a city that is barely waking up itself.

Everywhere we went, he had control of every thing and I loved it (don't you love a man that's in charge?).  Reservations were booked.  Options for site seeing/city touring were carefully mapped and laid out.  Bus routes were memorized and studied.  Train departures were written down and easily accessed at a moments notice.  Restaurants were reviewed and listed.  Bags were carried, hand was held, and face and lips were gently kissed whenever or wherever a moment allowed.  Knowing glances and winks in elevators and in bus stops.  Arm around the waist and hand on the small of my back always, plus a helping hand over puddles and around snow piles in the street.  Doors always opened for me.  I don't know if I've ever been treated more like a princess than during those 3 days.  He is respectful, gentle, kind.  He is smart and quiet (which is good because I'm a loud mouth that is constantly talking and talking).  He is patient; so patient.  It seems like no matter what I throw at him- he always remains completely calm.

By Monday afternoon, I was sobbing while he dropped me off.  He left work in the middle of the day and came and picked me up from the airport, bought my bus ticket to Chicago, and took me to the bus station.  I was so touched that he would be so kind all weekend, but especially in this moment when I was up a creek at the airport and really needed someone (I had to leave the airport in his hometown and take a bus to Chicago to fly out of there in order to make it home- another long and uninteresting story).  I couldn't help it- I began crying when he leaned in and kiss me good bye for the second time that day.

While I sat on the bus- bawling my freaking head off- I texted him to see if I would ever see him again.  He said he didn't know; neither of us can afford to just fly back and forth to see each other whenever we want (he lives in WI and I live in CA).  I have to be realistic here- although I think this guy is amazing, I don't know that I can do a long distance relationship like this, nor am I sure that he wants to either.  We've talked about it a few times and we both know it's too hard and I would never ask him to not leave himself open to meeting a great girl there; nor could I shut myself down to someone here.  So I have tried to recognize this weekend  for what it was/is.  Something amazing that I will always look back on and love and envy myself for (wishing I could be there again).  I seriously do feel like it was a tender mercy to my heart from God- I needed everything that happened this weekend to happen in my life right now.  I needed to get away from work and the stress of the GRE that has plagued me for a week.  I needed so bad to be told that I am beautiful and gorgeous and adorable and kissed and touched and looked at and held like that over and over.  I needed someone to respect me and my boundaries and not push me.  I needed someone to listen and be supportive.  I needed to be whisked away and be renewed by the energy of the city like that.

Now, I'm just trying to keep moving.  I'm back to work; and back to life.  I'm back to watching what I eat and finding time to work out and talk to my friends and family.  I'm back to the hustle and bustle of my life and the energy of California- warm, sunny, inviting.  While I loved Chicago- there was nothing that made me happier than to walk outside of the airport last night and feel the 62 degree breeze and know I was home.  I absolutely know I am supposed to be where I am right now- and that feels amazing.  I am right where I am supposed to be.

So yeah, it was a beautiful weekend. :)



Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Chicago- I love/hate you tonight.

Last night I could barely sleep because I've been a bundle of nerves for the last two days.  It's time; by this time tomorrow I will be in Madison, on my way to Chicago.  I doubt I will sleep tonight- I am too excited and freaked out about the weekend.  Why is the worst storm of the year happening when I'm trying to sneak away and go there?  Plus this guy...

I am also super stressed about work.  SUPER STRESSED.  Today I applied for 3 or 4 new jobs.  I hate looking for new jobs.  I mean, yes, I'm always saying that I want a new job, but I never actually apply for jobs.  Tonight I had a fantasy that I could build up my massage clientele to get to the point where I could quit my job and just do massage full time again.  I did two massages tonight to give me extra money for this wrist was hurting a little by the end of the second one.  I don't know if I can do massage full time anymore- my body is too wasted.

Speaking of wasted, I went to yoga sculpt tonight too.  Talk about an ass kick.  I will be so sore tomorrow and I'm so excited.  Yoga sculpt is yoga with weights for those of you who don't know what it is.  The instructor tonight was hardcore- she pushed us and pushed us until I thought I was going to throw up...twice.  Luckily, I didn't throw up OR pass out...instead I came home and ate a bunch of yellow curry with rice and then had 5 or so of those Reese's peanut butter hearts.  My stomach has been clinched for the 2 hours (sugar AND nerves).  I have been eating so bad for the past month due to the stress I'm constantly piling on myself.  Somehow though, I'm maintaining my weight- I think it's all of the working out I've started doing to relieve the stress.  Whatever is happening, it's working.  I just hope that once I get back from Chicago- I can go ahead and get a grip and start losing again.  I plan to "hit the health" hard when I get back.  No more crap- back to how I was eating pre-holidays.  Healthy, clean, good foods.  I know I said this only a month ago for New Year's...but hey- I'm a work in progress, what can I say!?

Okay my loves- I have to go pack my bags now.  Pray for me.  1) that I won't get stuck in an airport somewhere between here and Wisconsin and freeze to death.  And 2) that I'll be safe and have fun.