Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Interview

Don't worry- I still have not worked out.

I sit here on the couch...yet again.  With plenty of time to go work out.  Beautiful weather right outside my door- it's around 70 degrees.  New apps on my phone that motivated me last week.  No no, instead I sit here and type to you while Basketball Wives rattles on in the background.

I just weighed in.  Up 6 pounds...still.  Surprise surprise.  I'm going to let you in on a little secret: eating nonstop...and NOT working out...will do this to you.

I think about working out more than I actually do it.

I had my second interview today.  I think it went really well; I've learned to quit trying to figure these things out though.  I went to lunch with my future boss before we met with the VP and I really really enjoy this guy.  Not in a romantic way (yes he's single and only a year younger than me)- I just think he is a very kind and good individual and I think it will be great working with him.  I'm excited.

The VP asked if I am a passionate person.  I wanted to laugh.  Is there anyone out there who doesn't think they're a passionate person?  He wanted examples.  I started floundering.  How do you give an example of how passionate you are.  You want to know about the time I got into physical blows with another girl over a guy or something?  (that never happened, btw)  So I told a story about my dad and the way I was raised, and I think I hit a home run...he was quiet and later said- 'that story about your family really struck a chord with me'.  I BETTER GET THAT JOB! ;)

I am excited about my life again- for the first time in a little while.  The last job took it out of me.  But it's slowly starting to creep back into me. :)  Makes me happy to know my heart rebounds!!



Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Calories I will kill you.

Since we're all on the verge of moving soon- my roommates and I have decided to take a hiatus from dieting and feeling guilty about it.  We're all grotesque at the moment and can't seem to kick it into gear to lose it.  However, as I can barely shove/squeeze my fat ass into my STRETCHY work pants, I've decided to just go rogue and be really quiet about it.  I'm still using my calorie app, and I decided on the days that I work (which is 5), I will work out too.  Yoga and running, as usual (hey! It burns calories quick).

So today- I was secretly counting calories using my app.  I've started eating a lot more protein than in the past because I need it for massage.  I've found that if I don't eat enough, I have a really hard time making it through all 6 massage appointments.  I begin to get weak and my muscles start to ache, even to the point of being sore. However, if I eat protein in the morning- something substantial too, not like...AN egg, then I am usually fine to get through my shifts.  So this morning I had an egg white melt thing from Subway.  The only thing bad on it was the extra cheese- but I love cheese so whatever.  Then for lunch after work, I ran over to Whole Foods and had chicken salad from the deli.  Now, I love protein lately.  But a lot of protein seems to be very caloric-ly rich, if you get my drift.  What I'm trying to say is that I was already on the high end of my calories for the day by the time lunch was done.  I come home- all intent on working out.  And then I call my mother from some motherly advice about some work issues.

What do I proceed to do while chatting with her endlessly for 30 minutes?  Oh...pop open a box of Coco Crispies and eat the cereal dry- right out of the box.  I was craving sugar.  Did I eat half a cup (serving) while I chatted?  No.  I probably had at least 3 cups...honestly, if not more.  I don't want to put it in my calorie app and find out what I've done.  If I work out today (which I now have to in order to have enough calories for dinner...), I will be hungry for dinner.  Which I would've been anyway, but now it's guaranteed.  What does this mean?  I went over my calories for the day...AGAIN.

So now I'm waiting to go to yoga.  I'm supposed to be leaving in 5 minutes.  I will have to sweat in yoga with a sugar heavy, full stomach.  I just decided while writing this that I may skip yoga today and just run instead.  My stomach hurts.

Damn calories.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Boring update

Well, I haven't been doing well with my diet at all.  It seems as though I like to sabotage myself.  As soon as I make a commitment to do better, I seem to do it for a day and then the next 3 days are a disaster.  As a result of this horrid behavior, I've gained another 4 pounds.  Awesome.

Other than that, not much is new.  I have my second interview on Wednesday at the health center in LA.  I'm just biding my time til then.  At first I didn't really want the job because I didn't want to move to LA, but the more I've thought about it- the more I feel like this could be a new opportunity to go in a different direction than I'm going right now (Do I even have direction right now?).  I'm bummed to leave my friends and my life here in Orange County, but I'm excited about what could be next.

I feel like my blog is boring lately.  I want to change it up.  Suggestions as to what I should write/talk about?



Thursday, September 8, 2011


I'm pretty bummed out today.

Yesterday was a hard day- though it started out pretty decent enough.  I went to my interview in LA and it went awesome.  They called me back for a second interview next week.  I'm excited but also kinda bummed- I don't want to move up there but I'll have to if I get this job.  The commute took over an hour during the middle of the day- I can't imagine what it's going to be like during morning rush hour traffic.  But it's also a relief to know I could potentially have a job again.  The pay is about a $15,000 pay cut- so that sucks.  It's still more than what I'm making doing massage right now.  If I can find a decent place to live and budget like hell, I will probably be able to survive.  I've already started scouring the wanted ads for massage jobs up there so I can maybe make a little extra to help me stay on my feet.

On the way back home I stopped in to see a friend that lives half way between here and LA.  Of course, as usual when I see this friend, she started telling me what's going on in her life.  Because we have mutual friends, she also was inadvertently telling me things that are going on in other people's lives too.  I don't know what I've done to the cosmo's...but I have about 3 or 4 people that are pissed off at me right now.  For different reasons...but it still sucks.  I've tried contacting two of them already to make amends.  So far, one of those two is willing to talk to me.  I didn't even know she was upset.  The other one finally texted me back after I attempted to reach out to him- he told me to leave him alone.  I have to honor what he asks of me, so I will, but I'm sad to see the friendship go.  Yet one of the others is a toxic person and I do not care to make amends with him.  He's apparently talking smack about me- she was telling me some of the things he was claiming.  I'm angry about it but trying to just let it go.  I don't want to confront him, I don't want to deal with him- everyone knows he's crazy so I'm just trying so so so hard to let it go and not be angry.  This is life.  Sometimes it sucks to deal with the consequences of your actions.  Sometimes it's hard to accept the consequences of your actions...I never should've been friends with this person in the first place.

All day I've been thinking while I've been doing my massages- why does life have to be so up hill sometimes?  I feel like I will never get the things I want.  I am battling just to survive right now.  All of my life I was told as a kid- if you really want something- go after it and it's yours.  It's depressing to know as an adult that this just isn't true.  I have chased and chased and chased dreams- to no avail.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true for you.  It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you suck.  I know some of you will probably try to tell me that it just means God has something else in store for me.  He probably does, but it still sucks to know that the things I wanted are not part of the equation.  Sure, there might be even better things in store than what I wanted- but I don't have hope for that right now.

I'm trying not to have a pity party but as you can see- I'm not doing a great job.  I'm also sucking at my diet lately.  Today was weigh in- 140.6.  Last week was 140.0.  AWESOME.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Still on my little rampage...while I haven't made it to yoga everyday (they closed early on the Labor Day Weekend and I didn't know and missed a few days), I have managed to stay off caffeine.  It's been huge for me!

So I don't necessarily love my calorie counter app.  I was trying to follow it's guidelines for a few days (claimed I needed 1182 calories a day + whatever I burned off during exercise) and I ended up gaining 2 pounds.  I think I'm eating more calories then I need...actually I know I am because I would not normally eat all those calories on my own; normally I would eat about 1250 a day with exercise, a little less without.  So 1182 calories plus 704 (if I ran and did yoga for example) is too much.  So yesterday I got pissed about it and just ate what I would've eaten if I didn't have a calorie counter and this morning the scale is back down.  Anyway, I'm warning you now because tomorrow I will post my weight and you'll see that I didn't lose any weight this week.  It's okay- it was a learning experience and I still worked out quite a bit this week and so I still feel good.

I'm an active girl.  I do massage for 6 hours a day.  I run.  I do yoga.  I try to run and do yoga everyday- doesn't happen everyday, but that's okay.  I'll get there.  I like being active.  I realized yesterday during one of my massages that massaging for 6 hours a day is getting easier, the better shape my body is getting in to.  I can last longer; I'm not as worn out.  It feels good.  As soon as I'm able to get a second job- I want to start getting massages on a weekly basis too. I can't afford them now, but I know they will help my body tremendously.  The fun ways you can spoil yourself when you have extra money... :)

Other than that ladies- I've got NOTHING.  Been trying to catch up on Sons of Anarchy from last season because the new season started last night.  Have an interview for a job in LA today- keeping my fingers crossed because it's a new job and a new start if I get it.  I'd have to move to LA- but that might not be the worst thing that could happen to me.  I've already had a phone interview- now on to step 2.  It's a marketing director position- could be good for me.  It's a 'real' job with benefits and vacation- which is about the only thing I care about at this point.  If I don't get it- I won't be upset.  I like where I live and I actually don't mind the massage job.  It's low stress and easy $$...but we'll see!

Keeping my fingers crossed!



Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sunday Funday

So proud of myself today- went for a 5.6 mile run after work even though I did not want to (as usual).  I downloaded a new calorie counting app and I'm obsessed with counting calories and working out now.  It's fun!  I got the Livestrong one- so far it seems to be decent.  My roommate downloaded one that you can scan the bar code in to, and it will automatically upload all of the info, so I kind of wish I had one similar to that- but overall I can't complain.

Still have not talked to any boys.  I went over to my friend C's house tonight and watched a tv show she has on dvd for 4 hours.  I guess I could be out trying to meet new guys- but I'm kind of over the whole thing right now.  In time, I'm sure I'll be back out soon enough. ;P

I hope you all are having a safe and fun weekend!!



Friday, September 2, 2011

Don't want to.

Why am I avoiding my run and yoga?

Maybe because IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.  I want to do other things.  Like be a normal part of society and go out and mingle with people of the opposite sex.

Instead I have a headache, work in the morning, and yoga and a run to do.  Urggg.  I hope the headache is caffeine-withdrawal related.  Then at least I can feel better about the torture I am enduring.

Okay well- I'm off to run.  My body is super sore.  Have I mentioned that I also do 5-6 hours of massage a day, run, am trying to do yoga every day and I'm also trying to get another job that is purely physical (waiting tables possibly) too?  I MIGHT be killing myself.  It would be cool if I could at least drop a pound or two.  Just might be.

I just went to have a huge ice cream with my friend C.  I wish I could've enjoyed it- You would've thought i enjoyed it the way I inhaled it- but alas, all I can think about is the calorie content of it.  Why must I eat things anyway, when I know they aren't helping my progress?



Thursday, September 1, 2011

Yoga Challenge

Well, I may or may not be obsessed with trying to do yoga for 30 days now.

Today is supposed to be day one; I figured since it's the first of the month- it will be easy to track the 30 days.  But it's actually day 2 of me going to yoga (in a row, I normally skip days because I'm always sore)...and let me tell you something- I. Am. Sore.  I don't know if I can handle 30 days.  I also ran 3 miles with the roomie tonight.

So I also want to lose a few pounds, which is nothing new.  My weight today (since it's the first and the beginning of a new month) 140.0.  I'm logging it here, and I might put it up on my sidebar too- so that we can see if I can actually lose something this month.  I have an article in Shape magazine that claims if you do this- you can drop 10 pounds in 30 days...but I know me.  And I know 5 pounds will be a big feat, if anything. So 5 pounds is the goal.

I still have not talked to any boys today.  It's really hard- I know everyone thinks Penis man is a douche- but he was distracting me from the massage therapist and now I have no distraction.  And I'm kind of lonely.  My roommates and friends all pat me on the back and say "great job!" for kicking guys to the curb- but then they all leave to go be with their boyfriends and I am all alone.  I know it's the right thing in the long run, but it is really hard to be alone right now. :(

Anyway- so the final thing I'm going to try to do this month is avoid caffeine too.  We'll see how long I make it. :)

xo!  Happy Weekend friends!!!