Saturday, August 13, 2011

I got anger management issues. What else is new.

So I was thinking today as I was at work- being a massage therapist- that I really love being a massage therapist.  I haven't been a full time massage therapist for like- 5 years.  I have worked in the professional world forever- and being able to just go to work and make $200 a day and make people feel good (and not have to think or figure out how to solve the worlds problems) really just makes me happy.  My mom and roommate have both commented that they can tell things are shifting for me- the stress and the worry are gone in my life and right now I'm free to just enjoy myself.  As I was thinking about how much I love my job- I was thinking also about how great my life is and I am really happy and at peace with most of it.  There are still a few things that need to be resolved:

 1) I had a pretty bad falling out with my boss from the sales company and I know I need to call and make up with him.  We were friends; so naturally I took it very personally that I got fired/quit.  But now that I've had some time to cool off- I realize that if it wasn't for him- I would probably not still be in California.  He did help me out by paying my rent twice for me- because he believed I would be able to sell a machine and make it back and pay him back eventually.  I wasn't able to sell a machine, but I will still pay him back- it will just take some time. I'm not a grudge holder and I'm not someone who is comfortable with having hard feelings and having someone else have hard feelings- I know deep down his feelings are hurt that I completely cut him out of my life when I quit/fired.  I deleted him as a friend off facebook and that did the trick- he got the hint and left me alone.  So I know he won't call me- it will have to me to call him.

2) I have a boy that I've been dating off/on for about a month now (the massage therapist/friend forever and now maybe more guy) and our communication is terrible.  I do things to him too when I'm upset.  I mean, I don't "do" things...and that's the problem- when I get upset or he doesn't do exactly what I want- I go silent and ignore him until I'm cooled off and then he texts me days later.  Same thing- when I get pissed at someone- I completely cut them out until I've either cooled off, or I've decided to deal with it, which I usually don't want to do.  I've done this twice now (to the massage therapist).  It drives him crazy and I can tell it's driving him crazy and I know it's not fair- so I need to knock it off.  It's causing a rift; I didn't talk to him for almost 2 weeks this time until he texted me last night- and the first thing he said after I responded back to him was- "you don't have to just quit responding to me every time I text something you don't like you know lol".  He tried to text me a week ago but I was still so upset that I didn't respond until the next day.  He didn't text me again til last night.  I do like him- that's the problem- I'm scared to be vulnerable...especially to someone that I didn't think I'd ever end up dating (we were friends for so long).

So there you have it- my new project.  Find another job to help me pay off my debt faster, and quit being a baby and giving everyone the silent treatment when I'm upset.

I do love my life. :)




  1. I'm happy about #1 and glad you are working on fixing'll get there...

  2. Diz, I admire you for wanting to contact your former boss and make things right...and it kinda belies the title of this post. (=

    The quiet ways of friendship are a great place for love to grow. Throw your being-scared away!


  3. I think you are awesome for making amends with #1. You are a good person my love!

  4. Hang in there, dizzy. Things are on the upswing and the rest you will be able to work out in time. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. :)

  5. Hang in there Dizz! And sometimes the need to internalize is so great because saying something you can't take back is way worse than saying nothing at all. So yes I do feel that taking a mental break until you can focus your thoughts isn't always a bad thing. And you will do the right thing cause your heart is good. lots of love