Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No you didn't

****Warning!!! This is a venting post and probably not exciting to most of you.  It will possibly get deleted asap.

So I told my sister a huge secret the other day about some drama in my life and of course, despite her swear to secrecy, she told my mom.  I'm now in a huge fight with my family. HUGE.  I don't know when I will be speaking to them again.  They don't know I'm as upset as I am; in their minds- they are allowed to be upset because I didn't tell them this drama sooner (it actually transpired in May and it's now August), but I'm a little bugged that we had to have a conversation about it at all.  I don't know why my family doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to honor confidentiality- but it has always been this way and the last time I told my mom something in confidence (probably a year ago now) and she barged right over to my sister and said something, I knew it was a problem.  She felt justified in saying something because it was about her; it was never addressed once that I asked her not to say anything.  When I brought it up- she was like, "well since it was about me, I needed to confront her".  Okay.  I decided right then and there never to say something to my mother again.  Now my sister.  She has kept confidences for me before so I thought I could trust her with this one- but alas...she 'got concerned' and called my mom.

It's not that I don't believe that she was concerned- or that my mom doesn't have a right to be concerned; the secret was a serious one.  It's the approach, and the inability my family has to keep a secret.  I can't win with my mom.  If I blow up- I'm in the wrong.  If I silently sit on the phone and let her say whatever she needs to say- I'm still in the wrong.  I don't know how to react so that she will stay calm and drop an issue- she is absolutely incapable of just saying something and then dropping it.  She gets all emotional and is looking for a fight most of the time.  I sighed tonight because the lecture had started and I'm TIRED from working all day- and I got a remark for that.  I didn't even realize I did it until I was called out for it...again, me in the wrong.  I can't be patient enough while my mother lectures me- at 33 years old- for my choices.  If I say "okay"- it's wrong.  You don't get it- I literally cannot win.  I CANNOT WIN.  Despite the fact that it was MY trust that was betrayed, I'm now the one who is in the wrong because now everyone is concerned that I'm not making smart choices.

2 days ago, when they didn't know about the drama from 5 months ago- I was capable of making healthy living choices.  Now that they know this one thing- not even something I did, but something I was involved in (and that other people say I handled EXTREMELY WELL), I am uncapable of being a grown ass woman who can take care of myself.  My mother worries incessantly that because I am not married and I live so far away- there are too many evils in the world that could get me at any moment.  2 days ago- this wasn't the case.  They forget that I'm a fun loving woman.  That I'm smart.  That I've been living as a single woman in California for 3 years.  That I've lived as a single woman MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE.  I know not to walk outside after dark alone.  I know how to get rid of a douche-bag at the bar...I also know how to pick friends and clean my car and pay my bills...has it ever occurred to anyone that I might be okay??  Has it ever occurred to anyone that I might know what I'm doing and that I can be trusted to be a grown woman?? ANYONE!?

So yes- my mother called- and for the first half hour- she was normal and I was excited because I thought for the first time- she is not going to do this to me (I already knew she knew because my sister called to confess...knowing that my mother was going to call me and confront this "issue").  Then she brought it up.  She started asking undermining questions that we both knew she already knew the answers to- and she knew would piss me off- (and she did).  So I tried- as I always do- to just go into some subservient mode- even though it pisses me off so bad and it's all I can do to just sit there- and let her have her go.  I just want out of the lectures and the speeches like I'm 5 years old again, but she will never NOT do it.  And she will be upset that I'm not excited about it either- but she also will NEVER change the way she approaches any topic because it works for her.  It doesn't work for anyone else- but by golly it works for her.

Anyway- this is getting too detailed and a cute boy started distracting me with precious texts so I'm going to stop.  Just know I'm pissed.  I don't know when I'm going to talk to them again.  I am not going to apologize for not telling them sooner.  THIS IS WHY!  It's overly dramatic and blown out of proportion and then pressure is put on me to figure it out immediately. And when they tell each other- they dramatize and exaggerate it too so it just turns into the worst thing that could've possibly happened to any human being on earth; and now D must fix it IMMEDIATELY despite all of the other shit she has going on with in her life that she is also dealing with.  In case anyone forgot- D "dealt" with it 5 months ago when it happened.  Now my decision must be submitted to the board of sister and mother from approval.  NO THANK YOU.

Gotta run- sorry if you read this.  It's filled with anger and frustration.  Like I said, I"ll be deleting it soon.



  1. They (mother issues) don't improve as you age. Trust me. Oh, the stories I could tell about mine... and I'm forty-freaking-one years old!

    Hang in there.

  2. Dizzy dear I have so many mom issues its not even funny. Confidentiality is one of them. I know its hard. I know that at our age being chastised like a 5 year old is the last thing we need. Just remember that you have survived on you own and that sometimes just a little break from the family mentally and communicative wise can do wonders.