My friend came up to see me tonight in LA...he lives in Orange County.
It's been awhile since we hung out, so while we sat there and began catching up, we started talking about our lives. He is single; I am single. We've been friends for years- about 7 now. The more we talked, the more I became convinced that there may not be a guy out there for me. Sure, it sounds ridiculous when I just say it- but I'm serious! I am LDS. However, most LDS guys make me feel weird. Of course I would like to meet and/or marry a guy who is mormon and understands my background. However, most of the time- this seems to be the only common thread; I can't seem to be myself around mormon guys, no matter how hard I try. I don't know if it's the religious aspect or what- but I am always trying to be "better" than I am. I try to be more reserved; I try to be more conservative. I end up trying to be someone I'm not- and I feel like it comes out of me regardless. It comes out as phony. I am not comfortable on most of my dates with LDS guys. Or if I am, they never ask me out again.
Then there is the rest of the world. Men. Everywhere. Normal men. Good men. But there is almost always something that holds me back. Inevitably I feel guilty and end up walking away. No matter how great the guy is- I am freaked out that they are not mormon and I get scared off. I may genuinely like a guy for awhile, but I cannot really move forward and open up and really be myself because I am scared. I'm scared to let go, but I'm scared to hold on.
I've been thinking about this for some time now...but I've been afraid to admit it. The reason I'm single could be me. How do I move away from this?