Friday, November 5, 2010

Drainage

Well, it's definitely been an emotional day.

ARP class tonight wasn't what I expected.  When it came time to share- I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying- which shocked everyone including me.  I honestly had no idea it was coming...even when the guy right before me was sharing, I was still contemplating if I should even say anything at all because I didn't think I had anything to share.  At the last second I said a little prayer that whatever was in my heart- if I should share it- if it would help anyone else- I prayed that God would give me the courage to share it and then I just opened my mouth.  Words were tumbling out and then tears followed.  The girl after me started crying too.  The girl two people down from her started up a few seconds later.  Needless to say it was a very raw meeting- but it felt good.  I honestly had a huge emotional release tonight that I didn't even know was built up inside and for the first time in a long time, I am at peace.  And it feels amazing.

Let me tell you guys something- trying to recover from addiction is hard.  Please don't kid yourself and downplay the seriousness of addiction because it's "only sugar".  It's so hard; emotionally, physically, mentally. Taxing, I tell you!

Anyway- just know that there was an emotional break through tonight that has left me drained, but optimistic.  I really do feel like my little soul is healing.  And so is my body- it feels different than it has ever felt before.  I can't quite describe it quite yet but when I find the right words...

I have not had sugar in 22 days.  Next Friday will be my 30 day mark- if I can make it.  I'm motivated to do it- that's the longest I think I've ever gone.  I came home and wanted a little treat after being so exhausted by my outburst tonight- but alas, that is the slow, simmering burn that I will probably always feel.  I'm getting used to it- it's not as bad as it once was.  Reminds me of a super hero in a book- it's my curse!  But I must continue in this battle. :)  My abstinence IS getting easier; despite the anger, frustration, and occasional craving brought on by something like Coke Zero (ahem! Aspartame anyone?).

I can already tell- tomorrow is going to be an absolutely wonderful day.  I hope it's as good for you, as it is for me...

XO

D

3 comments:

  1. That sounds like an amazing meeting. I'd love to hear more when you are ready to share what the breakthrough was about.
    Have you tried Diet Coke w/Splenda?
    It's a version I found a few months ago. Very good, no bitter aftertaste. If Splenda doesn't give you cravings that is.
    I had to go cold turkey on the stuff though - I think it was causing me to stall on weight loss.
    I hope you do have a wonderful day! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so glad you were able to let out what you were holding inside. You are doing great.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "slow, simmering burn that I will probably always feel."

    i think that's a brilliant way to describe that feeling, Diz! i pray for your continuing strength.

    ReplyDelete