Here's the thing. Ever since I decided to embark on cutting out sugar- my life has been in turmoil. All kinds of issues seem to be surfacing since I made the decision...which I guess is good. I see it as now that I don't have sugar to push these issues back down anymore, I have to deal with them. I'm sure you might've noticed...I went from fun loving to stressed lately. The good news is that I'm conquering issues- one issue at a time. Or so I feel- some of them are a little deeper than just being resolved in one afternoon. Like the one I'm about to discuss right now...
As most or all of you either know or have figured out by now, according to my posts...I'm mormon. I'm a single mormon girl, living in southern CA. I have one of the best lives; seriously I do. I'm not trying to brag. When I read that other people wish they had a different life, I always think...they want my life. I know it sounds conceited- but it's so true! I am single, I am fun, I have a great job that offers tons of flexibility and great pay that affords me to get to do a lot of things other people don't get to do, I have a super active social life, I'm in decent shape and working on this constantly, and I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world- where it's summer/spring time almost all year long. I can lay on the beach in January- it's true. Come visit if you don't believe me. I also never really go without...there is tons of things to eat and things to do at my disposal whenever I want. I get to date good looking men. Lots of them. I am definitely blessed.
So what's the problem? Well, a few years ago I made the very personal decision to only date people within my own faith. I used to date people that weren't of my faith a lot- but it got me no where and in the end I felt like it would be better if I could date people that "understood" where I was coming from. In turn, my dating has dwindled. Of course I still go out on dates (quite a few by other people's standards), and of course there are lots of great mormon guys out there...but not as many as there used to be for me. I'm getting older- and more and more LDS guys seem to either get married or find other ways to disappear off the map . But that was my choice- and for the last several years...probably 4 years now...it was a fine choice that I never regretted making.
Well, this issue- of course...along with everything else- is rearing it's ugly head in my life again right now. Last week I went to dinner with several of my girlfriends- and we started talking about dating and I admitted I am in a super funk right now and have been in this horrible dating drought for months and it's causing me to be confused and just...sad. They did not look at me with pity as I had anticipated- instead they told me to lighten up. Get out there and explore; quit limiting myself. There are so many great men out there that want to be in serious relationships with the right girl, if they could just find her. This was coming from girls that are mormon girls too- I thought for sure they would just revel in the pity- but no. Instead they let me know that it's time to take the boundaries off. None of them limit themselves like I'm doing. I mean, of course we'd all like to find someone of our faith that 'gets' us. But there are many men out there that can 'get it' and not be a member- right? To say the least I was very surprised at some of the girls that were saying this because these were girls I thought for sure were like me- unwilling to open that door. Instead I seem to be alone in this. I've been thinking about this for several days now- and it almost sends me into tears.
A few days later I had a lunch date with a guy I met through my job (who is not LDS). He was very kind and very flirtatious and cute...and told me several times that he was attracted to me. The best part about it? He was normal. We were able to have normal conversation. He also began texting me through the weekend, but ultimately sent me a text saying that he wanted to come over at 2 am on Friday night- to which I quit responding to his texts. I'm not a dumbass...I know what a 2 am drunk booty call looks like. He called me this morning- I didn't answer.
Last night I went to dinner with another 2 girlfriends...and this same issue came up again. Both of them said that they are open to dating people outside of our faith too- and both told me to quit limiting myself. One of them said to me, "D, I would rather marry a man that I love, that treats me well and is respectful but not LDS (mormon), than "settle", marry a man I wasn't sure about but was mormon, and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake or worse...regretting that choice. Hands down- no question. I would marry the non-member." It really resonated deep in my heart to hear my friend say that- especially because these are all women who I love and admire deeply.
So now I'm here. All day I've been consumed with this. The truth is I'm scared to date someone who is a nonmember. The last few times I've tried it- I did serious damage to myself and probably to them too- trying to be someone I wasn't, or do things I knew I shouldn't do. I know that no one forces me to do anything- but I do it to myself. My roommate kept telling me last night- "but we're different now, D. We're different women." I don't know if I am. I feel like I am too black and white- too good or too bad. I can't seem to find that middle ground where I can be good and yet relax a little. I feel like I am so staunch...even amongst my mormon peers I'm pretty staunch.