Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Another Battle Entirely


Here's the thing.  Ever since I decided to embark on cutting out sugar- my life has been in turmoil.  All kinds of issues seem to be surfacing since I made the decision...which I guess is good.  I see it as now that I don't have sugar to push these issues back down anymore, I have to deal with them.  I'm sure you might've noticed...I went from fun loving to stressed lately.  The good news is that I'm conquering issues- one issue at a time.  Or so I feel- some of them are a little deeper than just being resolved in one afternoon.  Like the one I'm about to discuss right now...

As most or all of you either know or have figured out by now, according to my posts...I'm mormon.  I'm a single mormon girl, living in southern CA.  I have one of the best lives; seriously I do.  I'm not trying to brag.  When I read that other people wish they had a different life, I always think...they want my life.  I know it sounds conceited- but it's so true!  I am single, I am fun, I have a great job that offers tons of flexibility and great pay that affords me to get to do a lot of things other people don't get to do, I have a super active social life, I'm in decent shape and working on this constantly, and I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world- where it's summer/spring time almost all year long.  I can lay on the beach in January- it's true.  Come visit if you don't believe me.  I also never really go without...there is tons of things to eat and things to do at my disposal whenever I want.  I get to date good looking men.  Lots of them.  I am definitely blessed.

So what's the problem?  Well, a few years ago I made the very personal decision to only date people within my own faith.  I used to date people that weren't of my faith a lot- but it got me no where and in the end I felt like it would be better if I could date people that "understood" where I was coming from.  In turn, my dating has dwindled.  Of course I still go out on dates (quite a few by other people's standards), and of course there are lots of great mormon guys out there...but not as many as there used to be for me.  I'm getting older- and more and more LDS guys seem to either get married or find other ways to disappear off the map .  But that was my choice- and for the last several years...probably 4 years now...it was a fine choice that I never regretted making.

Well, this issue- of course...along with everything else- is rearing it's ugly head in my life again right now.  Last week I went to dinner with several of my girlfriends- and we started talking about dating and I admitted I am in a super funk right now and have been in this horrible dating drought for months and it's causing me to be confused and just...sad.  They did not look at me with pity as I had anticipated- instead they told me to lighten up. Get out there and explore; quit limiting myself.  There are so many great men out there that want to be in serious relationships with the right girl, if they could just find her.  This was coming from girls that are mormon girls too- I thought for sure they would just revel in the pity- but no.  Instead they let me know that it's time to take the boundaries off.  None of them limit themselves like I'm doing.  I mean, of course we'd all like to find someone of our faith that 'gets' us.  But there are many men out there that can 'get it' and not be a member- right?  To say the least I was very surprised at some of the girls that were saying this because these were girls I thought for sure were like me- unwilling to open that door.  Instead I seem to be alone in this.  I've been thinking about this for several days now- and it almost sends me into tears.  

A few days later I had a lunch date with a guy I met through my job (who is not LDS).  He was very kind and very flirtatious and cute...and told me several times that he was attracted to me.  The best part about it?  He was normal.  We were able to have normal conversation.  He also began texting me through the weekend, but ultimately sent me a text saying that he wanted to come over at 2 am on Friday night- to which I quit responding to his texts.  I'm not a dumbass...I know what a 2 am drunk booty call looks like.  He called me this morning- I didn't answer.

Last night I went to dinner with another 2 girlfriends...and this same issue came up again.  Both of them said that they are open to dating people outside of our faith too- and both told me to quit limiting myself.  One of them said to me, "D, I would rather marry a man that I love, that treats me well and is respectful but not LDS (mormon), than "settle", marry a man I wasn't sure about but was mormon, and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake or worse...regretting that choice.  Hands down- no question.  I would marry the non-member."  It really resonated deep in my heart to hear my friend say that- especially because these are all women who I love and admire deeply.

So now I'm here.  All day I've been consumed with this.  The truth is I'm scared to date someone who is a nonmember.  The last few times I've tried it- I did serious damage to myself and probably to them too- trying to be someone I wasn't, or do things I knew I shouldn't do.  I know that no one forces me to do anything- but I do it to myself.  My roommate kept telling me last night- "but we're different now, D.  We're different women."  I don't know if I am.  I feel like I am too black and white- too good or too bad.  I can't seem to find that middle ground where I can be good and yet relax a little.  I feel like I am so staunch...even amongst my mormon peers I'm pretty staunch.




  1. being a member, I thought the same thing when I was young. That I was going to marry within my faith, and go through the temple, and life was going to be just hunky for the rest of my life. Then I met my husband, who is not a member. He is the most compassionate, loving soul I know. He does what the church teaches, to love others, to help those in need. I watched many men in the church, in my wards, that never helped their neighbor, but my husband was always out there helping.

    It is hard. If you marry a nonmember, you have to do the church thing by yourself. I did that for years. He wanted me to take our kids to church and have them baptized so they would have something to fall back on if they were to ever lose us (his parents both died by the time he was 15).

    I have decided not to go to church anymore. I have too many questions, that I don't believe in. But that is me.

    I guess I just wanted you to know, that there are awesome non-members. You can still keep your values.

  2. First of all, you need to be you, in any relationship you are in. That goes for mormon guys or not. And if you feel that you conform to a lifestyle that is not something you wish to live by dating someone outside your faith then you need to be wise enough to see that. Also, the thing with dating outside your faith, it can be a big issue. Especially if he is of another faith, and serious about practicing that faith. If he, on the other hand, does not practice a faith and is open to exploring your faith then that is another thing. I get what your friends are saying, I would much rather be with someone who loves me and treats me right than to settle for someone because of one aspect of their personality. But if you plan on settling down and having kids, you have to be in agreement on how those kids are going to be raised, and if you are in an interfaith relationship that can cause problems. I think when it comes down to it, you need to be true to who you are, and not compromise that for someone who. Someone who really cares for you would not want you to compromise who you are anyway. Sure, not every man out there is as good as my husband, but there are still good men out there, and when you find someone that you are comfortable being you around, he will respect you and your boundaries. Best of luck to you!

  3. I think you are a very smart woman! You surround yourself with friends that love and understand you and you share with them. I am not a religious person right now.... I am a recovering Catholic HA HA! I have been on a journey myself to figure out how to live life better and find joy again. I think to do that you sometimes have to put yourself out there and take some risks. Not big crazy ones, but just a little outside of your comfort zone. You recognize the warning signs (A LA BOOTY CALL MAN) but there are great guys out there who could fill a void in you. Religion and faith are personal to everyone in a different way and if you find someone who loves you enough to respect your faith, you can truly be complete together. Let yourself experience life and see what it brings and be true to yourself when it isn't right.
    I will send positive thoughts your way.

  4. I think you were on the right track about trying to date within your faith. I am sure there are exceptions, but in general I doubt you'll find someone who's on the same page as you are. I married a man of a different faith and I really regret it. I watch my friends and their husbands and children at church and wish I'd been pickier in that regard.

    You may be in a dating slump now, but there are many wonderful men out there. The best way to find them is to stay busy with activities. Find some volunteer work to do. Get involved with all the singles church activities. Let ALL of you married friends and single friends know that you are looking and would be open to fix-ups.

  5. You're getting great advice on this, Dizzy. And I think ultimately that you're the one who has to make the call on what your standards are for dating and who meets them.

    Marrying within your faith is no guarantee of a good marriage (I did it and it failed spectacularly); marrying outside it doesn't guarantee anything either. The biggest factors for relationship success will be you and your eventual match.

    A good man is going to care for you and be respectful of who you are, not for who he thinks you should be, and he will be this way regardless of his faith.

    Best of wishes in finding him :)