Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Process.

Of course.

Of course it's Sunday, and I'm bored, and instead of doing anything productive- I've been milling around the kitchen on and off.  I'll make some tea.  I'll drink said tea and start snacking on chips.  I'll eat said chips and start looking for a treat (I have no treats and know that I have no treats; I look anyway).  I go back into the living room- watch a few minutes of TV, and then start the whole process all over again.  I think I've had 4 cups of tea so far (at least I'm not dehydrated!) I'm not hungry in the least, just bored.  Bored = snacky.  I've eaten way more than the amount of calories I've needed to get through this day by 4 o'clock.  Of course.

I have a lot of things I want to say- and this post is getting really hard to write.  You, my friend, are just on the 2nd paragraph- you have no idea that I've been sitting at the computer for over an hour now, trying to write and re-write this post to make sense.  Something has happened to me.  How do I describe what is happening?  I don't know if I'll be able to- but I'm going to try.

For so long- it felt like binging filled some kind of hole for me.  In reality, binging just kept me from reaching my goal weight, and made me hate myself for not progressing or progressing faster in my weight loss.

I've dipped down to 140 lbs only 2 times this year; once in Feb while at Weight Watchers, and then maybe one other time, although now I'm not sure when that was.  Since I cut out sugar mid Oct- I've lost 8 pounds and counting.  For me, who can't lose more than 3 pounds in a month, that's a big deal.  Before I cut out sugar- I would vascillate between 143-147 constantly.  I'd be down to 143.8 one day; two days later I'd be back up to 146 and hating myself.  I was struggling- hard.  I tried to accept a few times that 143-146 might just have to be my final weight; I didn't see how I'd get beneath 140 considering I'd only done it a few times this year.  Staying in the 140's was not the worst thing that could happen, but it also isn't where I wanted to end up.  I've been smaller before, I could not let go of being smaller again.

I weighed in at 138.8 today- I've only weighed 138 one other time this year- on Fat Flush, with all my clothes off, in the morning before I ate anything (Feb/March ish?).  Well, that's only 4.2 pounds away from 143...but for me, it's a number I haven't seen in years on my own.  No flashy diets; no extreme measures.  Yes, I don't eat sugar- but that is a choice I've made for my health- not for weight loss.  Weight loss is just a secondary benefit for me in this case.

Since I cut out sugar, so many things began to happen that I never expected.  I've been successful at not eating sugar for 45 days (not including Thanksgiving- I don't count that day, although I kind of could because I didn't have any desserts of any kind and I didn't binge on it).  I became super aware of my diet and other things started getting cut out.  I started paying attention to how my body feels after I eat something.  I started paying attention to how much I was really consuming.  I started paying attention to whether I was actually hungry or just eating.  Changing, changing, changing, that's what I've been doing- even if I wasn't aware of it.

But the mental isn't keeping up with the physical.  My emotional self still wants to binge- because even though I'm losing weight and feeling better about my body- I still have so many insecurities that aren't resolved.  Whether they are physical or not- they are still there, making me afraid.  Therefore I still want to binge.

I realized today that in order to be successful in this game- I will have to start facing those fears and insecurities.  That is the only way to truly free myself from the need/desire to binge.  I have to cut the tree down at the root of the problem.

I get emails and comments that tell me I should just appreciate where I'm at and that I should be happy.  I would love nothing more than to be happy and I am working towards that goal everyday.  I also want peace.  I want quiet.  Quiet from my fears and my irrational thoughts that somehow, even at a skinnier size, I'm not good enough.  I will be there one day- I am learning that now.  But it's a process folks; it's not something you just wake up to one day and never have to worry about or deal with again.  That's what I'm finally going through- the process.  If you truly want to be successful in your weight loss- you will wake up and start realizing that all of those fears, all of those things you are 'stuffing' down with your binges...they never go away until you face them.  It's horrifically scary; to know that those issues will not just magically evaporate into thin air once you're "thin".  You might be able to wear a size 8, but you will still feel fat sometimes.  You may be able to wear clothes you haven't worn in years, but you will still feel big in front of other skinnier girls.  Or girls with more money and cuter clothes.  Or girls with longer legs.  Or girls with a husband.  You may weigh 138 pounds and find that you're still scared to get in front of a group of your peers and do your presentations.  Your fears don't go away.  It doesn't matter what the issue is.  The good news is- the issues CAN be resolved;  you just have to start facing them.

I will start facing mine- it's just part of the process.  I'm in the process.

Here's to my issues!




  1. i love the title of this post, Diz. you said some things here i've never thought about, like how, even if a girl is a size 8, she might still feel fat sometimes.

    thank you for being real, friend. i'm praying for you. you are good enough now for everything you want.

  2. I hear you sister....loud and clear. Been there and done that...and am soooo proud of you.