Friday, November 5, 2010

Sponsor Me.

Well my's 6:05 pm and I'm waiting for the bestie Coke to finish getting ready so we can hit the streets of our beloved town.  Din tonight with the girls!  Guess that means this update is going to be quick!

Today has been a super good day eating wise.  It was a great day ARP wise (meaning I began step 4).  Step 4 is amazing and I will tell you guys about my rad experience tomorrow- I just don't have the time tonight.  Today my sponsor called me to see how I was doing after last night's debacle and I was so happy to talk to her- even though I was slightly embarrassed about my breakdown.  She assured me that 'this is what happens in support groups' and 'that's why we have them- to support each other'.  I told her that this was so much deeper than I ever expected- I merely meant to cut out sugar until the New Year, now all of the sudden I'm on this war path and I never EVER expected any of this.  It's easy sometimes- it's so hard other times.  She reminded me that it's okay to have breakthroughs...and then she said this (which I thought was interesting): "Anytime you take the core out of something, everything else that was attached to that core begins to fall apart.  You took the core out Dizzy it makes sense that  things are rough right now.  Everything is reshifting- adjusting.  It's okay though, because you will learn how to heal correctly."  In my mind's eye, I saw the core being ripped out of the middle of me.  It looked like a spike; a thick, rusty nail spike.  And then I saw all the other parts of me that were attached to that core start to crumble away, almost like an avalanche or mudslide.  But I believed her- that everything will heal correctly now that the thorn is out.

I know this sounds dramatic- but please understand it's not about the sugar.  It's about addiction.  If it's not sugar, it's sex.  Or alcohol.  Or porn.  Or drugs.  Or gambling.  Or shopping.  Or carbs.  Or working out all the time.  Or drama.  Or getting high.  Addiction is the crutch we use to avoid dealing with life.  Life is hard sometimes; of course if we can find a way to escape it- we do.  But if that escape starts to consume you- if you find yourself escaping more and more, if you can't escape and you start to get frustrated or angry, if you would hurt other people in order to escape, if you would hurt yourself in order to escape...then...well, you might have a problem my friend.  I am trying to throw away my crutches for good- and I had no idea how much I used them in the first place.  I mean, I kinda knew- but I really had no idea.  I thought I just wanted to quit sugar for a little while.  But if you're honestly working the steps of a 12 step program, and throwing your whole heart in...well- lucky for you, you get to find out how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

But like I said last night- I am at peace.  I have accepted the challenges ahead and I'm ready to face them square on.  I am still on my rampage- and ready to be under 140 in a matter of days.  It might be as close as 2 days...depending on how good I am at dinner tonight. :)  AND I AM READY FOR THE 130's!!! BRING THEM ON!!!  And believe it or not, I'm beginning to feel the stirrings of a deep joy that is starting to nourish and grow it's little way in my heart.





  1. this might be the most inspiring blog post i've ever read, Diz. i don't know what to say, because "yay you go girl" doesn't feel right. i'll just say, God bless you, i'm praying for you, TOO!

    you really have a knack for describing the beauty and the rawness of life. i can picture a rusty spike at the core of my own self, and i can feel how scared i am for all the gunk attached to it to crumble away.

    have a beautiful and gratifying weekend!

  2. have fun out on the town girlfriend. Good luck with the 130's.. still working on getting to the 140's.... we can do it!!!

  3. Indeed - bring on the 130s. This new you...embrace it. Because seriously it is all the good you are and is just adding to it. It's like you are leaving baggage behind and opening up a whole new part of your soul. Like a mental cleansing along with the physical and I swear you're growing wings...and soon you're gonna fly. I can't wait to watch.