Thursday, November 11, 2010


Today has been a very interesting and exhausting day.  Are you ready for something real?  It's about to get real raw up in here.

I went to lunch with some of my single girlfriends that are wonderful women.  Super hot, super talented, super single.  2 of them have made the tough decision, after 5+ years, to leave our beloved home in Southern California and move back to their original home states.  One is from Colorado, the other is from Seattle.  Today was the big day that they've been cleaning out their house; it's been emotional for them...and me too.

At lunch we started talking about our lives because they are moving and because another one of our friends recently went through this too.  The first one- that already went through it all- has been one of my best friends for 7 or 8 years.  I met her when I was going to the University of Utah- and we instantly became besties.  She moved out to Huntington Beach a year before I did- and recently just moved back to Utah.  The two that are moving out today moved in with her here in HB- that's how we all became friends.  I used to come and visit while I was still living in Utah and stay with them here in HB.

Anyway- we started talking about how our lives have become so different than what we thought they would be when we were younger.  We started talking about the regrets we have, over decisions we made or didn't make.  The joys and the struggles of being single.  How one minute we're thankful we didn't get married too young, but how in the next minute we feel too old to get married now.  One girl kept talking about how lonely she is at night in bed.  I secretly prayed a silent prayer of thanks that this particular struggle hasn't hit me yet.  Another friend goes through this sometimes and both of them are a year older than I I hope it doesn't hit me soon.  My other friend told me that she wakes up in the middle of the night so lonely and aching for someone; it sounds horrible to me.  Ugh.  Anyway, my problem is that I'm bored out of my mind.  I don't care about my life right now.  I'm starting to hate my job.  When the weather changes here (because CA feels so timeless), it affects me, and today the weather is weird.  It was super cold and windy all day.

I don't know what to do with myself- I seem to have no dreams; no goals; no passion.  So I just keep ignoring the way I feel.  I hate that I have no direction right now, but I don't seem to have the energy to put in to figure out what to do differently.  It's just so tiring, always trying to figure out what I should do next with my single self.  I feel like I've been struggling to find a new path or new dream for 10 years now, and where have I ended up?  Nowhere that I thought I would.  I'll admit- it's not that bad.  It sounds bad because I'm having a pity party- but on most days I love my life.  Right now, especially because of my job, I don't know what to do or who I am supposed to be.  I just keep going on and on, and the days pass, and the months pass, and the years pass, and I'm still here.  

One of the girls is moving home to save money so she can travel.  She's not married, she has no ties here- so why not?  She loves traveling and seeing the world.  If she lived at home and had more money, she could take longer trips and do more things.  It really made me jealous.  Every time in the past that I've considered moving home I nix the idea because I am scared I will get even more depressed without my friends and my social life; they seem so vital to my sanity.  Because they are single- they understand me even more than my family does sometimes.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where I want to be in 5 years- let alone 10 or 20.  I don't know what job I want, or where I want to live.  Life continues on all around me, and yet I feel like I am STILL just...stagnant.

I'm sorry if this post seems really dramatic and dark.  I promise that I am just sorting through some things that keep coming up in my life- and writing them out here seems like a good place to do that while I figure things out.  I know brighter days are ahead and all around me even now.  I know happiness is everywhere- I just need to start looking at it again.  As my friend and I were saying is like a masterpiece.  You are busy working on this masterpiece constantly.  Some strokes are really easy; some of them you seem to make carelessly.  Some strokes are really hard to make- maybe they are vital strokes- and you have to think for awhile as to where you want to put them and just how you're going to make them perfectly.  I feel like I've been staring at a blank piece of my canvas...and I've been staring at it for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I'm blind.  But pretty soon I will pick up a new color and I'll know just where to put the next stroke.

Hope that makes sense and I didn't send everyone away with a deep sadness.  ARP tonight!  Quasi date..tonight! come!



  1. One thing to remember, regarding being lonely in the middle of the night: it's better to be lonely and alone, than to be lonely even in the company of someone else.

    Or especially.

    So... being alone, or even lonely? Isn't the worst thing out there. Make those choices carefully (directed to the general 'you').

    Sorry, just a titch introspective :)

  2. Well, first, don't ever be afraid to share your heart on your blog. As you know, I believe that is what it is for. When you can't do that, your blog is just another phoney piece for the world to approve of.

    Second, you're in a great place--examining your life while you still have the opportunity to make choices from a lot of options. There will come a time when your option list will shorten. Don't let any starry-eyed philosopical neophyte fool you--there will come a time when your list of options will be shorter.

    Third, I'll save the rest till after your ARP meeting. :) You may leave their with some thoughts/insights/attitudes that will make "third" unnecessary.

    Love you, fierce girl, and I'll be posting that tag thing at midnigh my time (I want to include my cal burn #s for the day at the bottom, so I need to wait till then.


  3. Amanda is right-better to be alone, than lonely & with someone.

    If your career is sucking the energy out of your entire life, maybe it wouldn't hurt to spend some energy focusing on finding something you can see yourself doing long term. Trust me do it now while you have the time to commit. All other aspects of your life will benefit when you find a happy balance.

  4. Amazing blog - and I shall comment in my email reply - which is coming - as soon as I can come up for air from this life of mine that is shitballs crazy........forgive me....and know that you're always on my mind.

  5. I highly recommend staying at home... or moving back home. If I still had a home, I would pack up my husband and my dog and move back. I love to travel and there never seems to be enough money to travel as much as we would like to... and owning a home is expensive and the more you work to enjoy it... the less you're home to enjoy it. I hope you find your "Zen"... *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at