The problem with trying to lose weight is that I want to eat.
I don't mind eating healthy, but I still want to shovel my food and hoard it like a little rat. I'm now at the point where if I do that- I won't lose any weight. Granted- I might not gain anything because the food is so much healthier. But I won't lose anything either.
I know what it takes to lose weight. I've been slowly, slowly meandering down the scale since the binge last Thursday. This morning I weighed in the 139's...which made me happy. I weighed in at 138.6 the day of the Big Binge, and I haven't been back to the 138's since. I'd like to be back down there soon. I know I'll get there this week, it is just taking sooooooo. long. It feels like such a chore- to constantly be on guard. Constantly be thinking about what I'm going to eat, and how much I can have (portion control!). I'm so tired with the whole thing and I miss the old days where I could eat whatever I wanted and shovel as much as I wanted- until I was wicked full but satisfied. My body craves a binge like that, but I will not. While my body may crave it- my mind does not crave all of the nasty feelings associated with binging. The depression; the disappointment. The guilt. The disgust. The feelings of failure. The shame.
No, for the first time in my life I feel like my mind is actually healing and coming to a healthier place. I make healthy choices. I work out everyday. I stop eating when I'm full. I have no need to "stuff". I want to feel feminine and light more than anything else and I focus on that now instead of the need to stuff down disappointment or frustration. I think it all started to change once I got rid of the sugar. Eating it the other day only confirmed to me that I'm in a different place now and don't want it anymore.
I knew that I would need to watch every thing I put in my mouth today- but when it came time for dinner, I had a real hard time slowing down and being careful. I went with a guy friend of mine to eat at Souplantation- do you know of this place? It's an all you can eat salad buffet with a carb buffet (soups, pastas, muffins and other breads) and then a dessert buffet as well. I ate my salad and had some mac and cheese and some bread, but it was so hard to stay in control. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep eating the carbs and also have dessert. I did not. When can I go back to the mindless shoveling I normally do? Oh wait- that's right. Never. UGHHHHH
I have been eating healthy and working out everyday. I am so thankful I am slowly losing. So #1)Why don't I feel/look skinnier (I can't even tell I'm losing), and #2)Why do I still want to mindlessly shovel my life away? Because I'm frustrated; I'm not losing fast enough. I'm not seeing the results. I want to binge because I think to myself...what's the point? The food will make me feel better. But, this time I know it will not. (BTW I know my thoughts are completely misguided and ridiculous).
Becoming healthy is so HARD. I don't know why I want to stay in this little bubble that makes me miserable. Because it's safe I guess. Needless to say- I will not do it. I will not stay in this damn bubble if it kills me- I'm going to lose these last 10 pounds come hell or high water. I'm determined to stay on track for now.
Blah. I hope you're less upset about changing than I am.