The problem with trying to lose weight is that I want to eat.
I don't mind eating healthy, but I still want to shovel my food and hoard it like a little rat. I'm now at the point where if I do that- I won't lose any weight. Granted- I might not gain anything because the food is so much healthier. But I won't lose anything either.
I know what it takes to lose weight. I've been slowly, slowly meandering down the scale since the binge last Thursday. This morning I weighed in the 139's...which made me happy. I weighed in at 138.6 the day of the Big Binge, and I haven't been back to the 138's since. I'd like to be back down there soon. I know I'll get there this week, it is just taking sooooooo. long. It feels like such a chore- to constantly be on guard. Constantly be thinking about what I'm going to eat, and how much I can have (portion control!). I'm so tired with the whole thing and I miss the old days where I could eat whatever I wanted and shovel as much as I wanted- until I was wicked full but satisfied. My body craves a binge like that, but I will not. While my body may crave it- my mind does not crave all of the nasty feelings associated with binging. The depression; the disappointment. The guilt. The disgust. The feelings of failure. The shame.
No, for the first time in my life I feel like my mind is actually healing and coming to a healthier place. I make healthy choices. I work out everyday. I stop eating when I'm full. I have no need to "stuff". I want to feel feminine and light more than anything else and I focus on that now instead of the need to stuff down disappointment or frustration. I think it all started to change once I got rid of the sugar. Eating it the other day only confirmed to me that I'm in a different place now and don't want it anymore.
I knew that I would need to watch every thing I put in my mouth today- but when it came time for dinner, I had a real hard time slowing down and being careful. I went with a guy friend of mine to eat at Souplantation- do you know of this place? It's an all you can eat salad buffet with a carb buffet (soups, pastas, muffins and other breads) and then a dessert buffet as well. I ate my salad and had some mac and cheese and some bread, but it was so hard to stay in control. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep eating the carbs and also have dessert. I did not. When can I go back to the mindless shoveling I normally do? Oh wait- that's right. Never. UGHHHHH
I have been eating healthy and working out everyday. I am so thankful I am slowly losing. So #1)Why don't I feel/look skinnier (I can't even tell I'm losing), and #2)Why do I still want to mindlessly shovel my life away? Because I'm frustrated; I'm not losing fast enough. I'm not seeing the results. I want to binge because I think to myself...what's the point? The food will make me feel better. But, this time I know it will not. (BTW I know my thoughts are completely misguided and ridiculous).
Becoming healthy is so HARD. I don't know why I want to stay in this little bubble that makes me miserable. Because it's safe I guess. Needless to say- I will not do it. I will not stay in this damn bubble if it kills me- I'm going to lose these last 10 pounds come hell or high water. I'm determined to stay on track for now.
Blah. I hope you're less upset about changing than I am.
D
:) Sadly, I am no where near LESS upset than you are about changing!
ReplyDeleteDiz, this post was so thoughtfuf and well-written. It absolutely expressed the dilemma perfectly.
That insane thinking that although we know eating healthily is, well, healthy and GOOD FOR US and will make us feel better...still, somehow, we feel that eating is what will make us feel better...even tho.... Well, like you said. :)
You are winning this battle, Diz. You are winning! Ha! Even made it thru a BUFFET! Whooowheee!
Deb
You can do it! have you taken measurements? With someone as small as you are anyway, you may have better results with measurements? I'm not sure, but it is worth a try. Any even if you can't see the dif, your body knows you are treating it better, and it should in turn be treating you better......yeah yeah yeah, I know, we NEED to see the difference, otherwise what are we doing it for? But tell yourself the other stuff, maybe it'll help? Anyway, you are strong, and you will get through it!
ReplyDeleteChange is the hardest most uncomfortable thing. Diz binging is something you had, even with the uncomfortable side effect binges where something you expected. When you change what you are used too it becomes not only mentally uncomfortable, but physically uncomfortable too. So once that which was not the norm becomes the norm it gets easier. And weight loss is slow, and the scale may move and your body may take some time to adjust to the weight loss. These last 10 are the killer, I haven't been there yet but from everyone who has ever been so close to goal as you, they said the last 10 are harder than the entire journey. But Diz you are a strong charismatic woman and can do this!
ReplyDeleteDizzy,
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I think part of the problem is that you are stressing so much about every bite. Have you tried using Fitday or one of those programs to log your food? Planning your meals in advance can help remove the stress and the temptation that other food offer. Set your mind on what you have planned for each day and remind yourself to stick to it. This is what I did to get to my goal after my surgery.
Good luck, dear and don't beat yourself up.
I remember writing about this. The CONSTANCY of the struggle is soooo tiring. I mean we have enough stuff in our life to worry about beyond being on what seems like a constant vigil to be healthy. And the temptation never ends - even when you get to goal - then it seems like it begins again. I guess we have to realize we're worth fighting every day if that's what it takes. And anything hard is always worth fighting for. Love you D. Like Chex Mix likes going in my mouth over and over and over again. Ugh.
ReplyDelete