Okay- because this is such a long post- it's broken up into 2 parts. The quasi-date 1st; the ARP meeting 2nd. Feel free to read only what interests you...I know I'm blogging like a crazy lately (2 a days) but I've got a lot to share!
1) The Quasi Date: So Sanuk asked me to do something with him last night. While I think Sanuk is a good person, he is moving out of state in less than a week, so I don’t give him much thought as a potential date. But for the last few weeks he keeps coming around; I’m not sure if he just needs a friend or what exactly is going on in his mind. He’s moving! Anyway, he told me that a bunch of people from his work were going down to
Main Street, and since it was his last day at work, he wanted me to come. I wasn’t exactly sure if this was a date thing, or if he just wanted me to come because we go to the same church so he would feel more comfortable having another mormon there, or what.
So I dressed up and looked pretty for him when he came to get me. It was a good thing he asked me to come because all of the guys at work brought a girl too. I don’t think it was necessarily planned that way- but that’s how it turned out. Sanuk and I huddled at our end of the table and noshed on the appetizer platter while everyone else enjoyed their drinks and talked about work. He asked me about work; he knows how unhappy I am right now in my job- we've talked about it before. I told him that I want to look for another job but I don't know what I want to do and trying to figure out what I'm good at is hard and frustrating. He smiled. Then he told me about this thing he had to do at his job- where they had to do these exercises. These exercises have a purpose- and by the end of the whole thing- he had a list of the top 5 things he wanted to do with his life. Have any of you heard of this before? Do you know where I'm going with this? I had never heard of it before; so I listened very closely.
He explained to me that the guy who led the group went on a safari one year- and everyone who’s ever gone on the safari asks- "Did you see the big 5 while you were out there?" What they mean is- did you see the top 5 animals of the safari. There were 5 animals that are the “big 5”- lions, rhinos, giraffes, and two others (can’t remember the other 2). Anyway- if you saw 3 of the five- it was a pretty decent safari. If you saw 4 of the 5- it was a pretty good safari. But if you saw all 5 of these animals while you are out in the tundra- well then that was a damn good safari and you had success; Everyone wants to see the “big 5”.
That's our lives. We each have 5 things that we want out of life. If we can get three, then it was a decent life and at the end we could be satisfied. If we hit 4, that's a pretty good life. But if we get all 5...than we are fulfilled beyond measure- right? But how do we know what the top 5 desires of our hearts are? These exercises. He explained to me that he didn't know what his top 5 were when he started the journey; the exercises help you figure out your top 5. Then he promised to help me. :)
I am excited about this top 5 thing. Especially if it's the way he described it to me. I need something to help me have a little direction.
Then I went to ARP.
2)The meeting: ARP's step as a group tonight was Step 3- Trust in God- the step I finished last week (I'm on step 4 personally). But tonight's lesson was so good. The people who lead the meetings are so inspired. After listening to the lesson again- I realized that I do NOT fully trust God. I think I do. I don’t. I fight for what I want- verses what God wants for me, all the time. I don't know why I do this- it makes sense that he knows what's best for me because he is God and he has all vision and all power. He knows me better than I know myself. So why do I fight so hard, thinking I know what is better for me?
These addictions are real. If it's not sugar- it's shopping. If it's not shopping, it's something else. They don't seem like huge issues- I can "function" just fine on the outside without anyone knowing really I have an addiction; I’m not at rock-bottom. But do I have to hit rock-bottom first? No.
I hide my problems from everyone else. I rationalize all day that I don’t really have a problem. I make it look like I'm doing just fine- meanwhile I'm internally obsessing. Maybe I'm thinking about the next treat I can have. Maybe I'm thinking about the next shirt I'm going to buy. The problem with me (and I’m sure all addicts) is that I like my addictions. I like having treats. I like buying new clothes. Sounds pretty harmless- right? Ultimately though, I am not able to reach my goals because of these addictions. I can’t lose the last few pounds I want, or get out of debt- because I keep doing these little things here and there. Just one more little bite of chocolate cake even though I’m full; just one shirt that is $7.99 even though I only have $10 left to my name til next payday.
I think I’m in control because I haven’t hit rock-bottom. I compare myself to others and I'm not doing as bad as they are- therefore I don't have a problem. I’m able to successfully hide my addiction from other people- so it must not be that bad. It's only "that bad" when other people start to notice- everyone is like me...right? I'm in control, or so I tell myself. But I’m not in control. If I were in control, I would not have weight issues. Food issues. I would not lie in bed at night and cry because everyone else is skinnier than me and no matter what I do- I can’t lose the last few pounds. One little bite of chocolate makes it better though- doesn’t it. For just one moment- one little bite makes everything better.
Addiction; pride- they are amazing weaknesses to have. You can justify everything with these two little weaknesses. You can stop yourself from really changing. You can truly remain in your little safe space forever- and never really overcome anything.
This whole time- 30 days, I've given myself a lot of ‘pats on the back’. ‘No matter what my life has thrown at me, I haven't caved to sugar’. Yay for me! I'm so strong! Everyone tell me how awesome I am! If I can't learn to let go of my addictions and my pride and learn to trust God wholeheartedly- I will never be able to fully overcome my weaknesses and get myself over these hurdles.
Whew! If you’re still reading- I commend you. Thank you all so much for being my friends and listening to my problems as I try to resolve them. Thank you for being supportive of me as I cipher through this muck. I hope it leads to bliss...