I'm so *(&#$* mad at myself.
Well, I'm still under enormous stress. I went to ARP and it was awesome. And then, when I was leaving, someone told me to go to the service auction in another part of the church building. Every year, there is a service auction, where people offer up services and other people bid on the them, and the money goes to helping families in need with either thanksgiving or christmas- I'm not sure which- I think it's Christmas. Well, it's my old ward (single's ward), so I decided to pop in and say hi. One of the women advisor's saw me and immediately grabbed me and whipped up a plate of food- turkey, rolls, stuffing...Thanksgiving dinner basically. I had two plates. This is after I had chicken dinner at the surfer's house. Chicken, black beans, and rice.
Basically I am so full I want to puke. Binge city. My scale is up 4 pounds. I am physically ill and irate at myself.
I'm so mad. Why is food always going to be a struggle for me? When will it end? When will I get to the point where I think..I have a handle on this? Certainly not any time soon- as soon as I start to think I have a grip- I go and do something like this. One little bit of stress and I pile plateful after plateful into my friggin mouth. I literally am about to pop I am so disgustingly full. I don't even eat meat. Seriously, it's not something I blog about because it's like- I'm 90/10 vegetarian (but there's still that 10% that's not- so why even bother talking about it, plus it's a long story I don't feel like sharing), but tonight I was eating meat like it's going out of style and I think that's why I am so sick and full. I don't even know the last time I had meat. It's been awhile. I am so grossed out with myself right now.
I'm sorry if this post is negative- but it is what it is. I had to get it out somewhere- better here than elsewhere.