Thursday, November 18, 2010


I'm so *(&#$* mad at myself.

Well, I'm still under enormous stress.  I went to ARP and it was awesome.  And then, when I was leaving, someone told me to go to the service auction in another part of the church building.  Every year, there is a service auction, where people offer up services and other people bid on the them, and the money goes to helping families in need with either thanksgiving or christmas- I'm not sure which- I think it's Christmas.  Well, it's my old ward (single's ward), so I decided to pop in and say hi.  One of the women advisor's saw me and immediately grabbed me and whipped up a plate of food- turkey, rolls, stuffing...Thanksgiving dinner basically.  I had two plates.  This is after I had chicken dinner at the surfer's house.  Chicken, black beans, and rice.

Basically I am so full I want to puke.  Binge city.  My scale is up 4 pounds.  I am physically ill and irate at myself.

I'm so mad.  Why is food always going to be a struggle for me?  When will it end?  When will I get to the point where I think..I have a handle on this?  Certainly not any time soon- as soon as I start to think I have a grip- I go and do something like this.  One little bit of stress and I pile plateful after plateful into my friggin mouth.  I literally am about to pop I am so disgustingly full.  I don't even eat meat.  Seriously, it's not something I blog about because it's like- I'm 90/10 vegetarian (but there's still that 10% that's not- so why even bother talking about it, plus it's a long story I don't feel like sharing), but tonight I was eating meat like it's going out of style and I think that's why I am so sick and full.  I don't even know the last time I had meat.  It's been awhile.  I am so grossed out with myself right now.

I'm sorry if this post is negative- but it is what it is.  I had to get it out somewhere- better here than elsewhere.




  1. :D Meat, shmeat. Did you have sugar?

    You know that I understand about the anxiety eating. It is our drug. Plain and simple, we've been self-medicating anxiety for years. Sooo hard to stop.

    Once I think I've got it, the ante goes up and I find out I don't. I've been overeating for days. Eversince I could say, "The surgery is next week." I might as well have said, "Oh,Deb, go ahead and stuff your face." It's the same result.

    The good news is that you are totally aware of yoiur trigger. It is no mystery. We're going to beat this thing.


  2. When I started eating meat again in the beginning I was so sick. Its hard when people hand me a plate of food to turn it down. You are amazing Dizzy. I hope you feel better!

  3. You will stop doing it to yourself because you have awareness. We are not perfect and all stumble. I think being self aware enough to not binge daily is the ultimate goal. So what I am trying to say is: forgettaboutit!! Puffy heart you woman!

  4. I'm sorry, Diz. I understand only too well. Not an issue with me at the moment but there are always times when I just can't fill the void with enough food. I don't know the solution or I would give it freely. Even gastric bypass patients can stuff themselves until they feel ill. Putting on the brakes before that first extra bite is something many of us need to learn how to do.

  5. keep calm and carry on gorgeous! those 4 lbs are just water retention...they will go away! :-)

  6. 4 pounds is not worth the stress of it. It happened, its over. I am sure the 4 pounds will be off in no time.

    We are here for you!