Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Stupid eater.

Why is it that every time I think I'm on track- I go and prove myself otherwise?

How long has it been?  40 something days?  I was finally starting to see results.  8 pounds down- it was huge for me.  Was not eating meat, sugar or having soda.  Was working out everyday.  Was getting there!

And then today came.  Let's see...I had a protein bar for breakfast.  Lays Potato chips for a snack around 11:30.  Meatballs for lunch (excuse me? Who does that?  Straight meatballs- no sauce.).  A diet Dr. Pepper.  A Coke Zero.  Two bowls of turkey chili and 2 pieces of French bread for din smothered in butter.  No workout in sight.  Sour Cream on one bowl of turkey chili, and some mozz cheese on the other bowl.  Random handfuls of hazelnuts mixed in.  UGHHHH.  And of course, because of all the aspartame in the Diet Dr. pepper and the Coke Zero, combined with the white French bread- I'm craving sugar now.  I knew that would happen, and yet I plowed ahead with no concern.

I just looked at the clock- it's only 7:45.  I can totally still hit the gym.  I have a dinner tomorrow night with 2 foodies- which means lots of food for us.  Thai food; our favorite Thai spot in OC.  It's just the beginning of food season- what does it mean?  Will I totally fall off the wagon soon?

I need to get a grip and get one QUICK or my goal of 133-135 by Christmas is going to be a long lost fantasy.

Ugh I'm so mad at myself.

Sorry all of my posts lately have been totally food related- I know, I've been obsessed lately.  I've tried to think about other things to write about- it always comes back to this.  I will work on that, swear. :)

I did see a job online today that I think I'm going to apply for.  I wasn't really looking for new jobs- just a little part time gig to help with extra money since I need to get my credit cards paid off before grad school starts and I'm always broke...and next thing you know...I found this job.  I have no idea how much it pays but I'm the perfect candidate for it, so I think I'm going to apply.  VERY similar to what I do now- but what if it pays more?  It IS a small start up though.  They usually can't afford to pay as nicely as larger companies I've found...but it WOULD be nice to have a job that's stable if I go back to school...

Ah....the dilemma's of life.



Monday, November 29, 2010


Well it finally happened.

I knew it would- I mean, how many times did I defend my sugar addiction as a "real addiction"? 50 times?  Everyday since I started my program?  I knew people didn't consider it a real problem- from the get go, I knew.

Someone from my group recently complained to a friend of a friend that people like me,who may sometimes "eat too many cookies" shouldn't be coming to the same meetings as people that have "serious" addictions (sex, gambling, porn, alcohol, narcotics).  It's not the same and I guess it's not legitimate enough to gain this man's respect (sugar addiction), so he is annoyed that we are in the same group.  People "like me" should go to a different meeting, so people "like him" can deal with his addiction with other real addicts.  Someone with a food addiction can't possible get what someone with a sex addiction is going through.

I'm not mad- seriously I'm not.  I know I'm venting about it on my blog- but I can do that- it's my blog.  I've thought about it and ranted to my mother and roommate already today.  Both of them were furious.  I asked them if they believed that I had a real problem.  I meant it; I really wanted to know today if I'm just playing vicitm or if I have a real problem.  My roommate said- "You don't have to hit rock bottom to start swirling around in the muck and see the bottom from where you are.  So you wanted to prevent yourself from hitting rock bottom, that's what you were doing."  I asked my mother and she said, "you have tendencies- for sure D.  Do I think you have a Big problem?  I'm not sure you do.  You weigh under 140 pounds- it just isn't logical that it's all consuming for you.  But I definitely think you have tendencies, but these classes are changing you, and you shouldn't give it up because someone else is uncomfortable." I was grateful for her taking it seriously with me, as well as my roommate.  I needed someone to agree with me today- that food addiction is real and it's something people struggle with.  That I sometimes struggle with it.  Maybe for me it isn't all consuming, but I struggle with it sometimes that much I know.

I'm grateful for all of you taking it seriously with me too.  Or for not saying anything while I've gone through this if you couldn't take it that seriously.  The thing is- while I might not have as serious as a problem as other people- I'm not ready to give it up yet either.  I am learning new things.  I am changing.  I like the changes happening inside of me.  I like the way I feel inside my body, and I'm not ready to let that go yet.  People go to Weight Watchers and they learn new tools and they like the changes that happen to them in their meetings- I happen to go to Addiction Recovery and it works for me.  Better than anything else up until this point- it works well for me.

I'm still very passionate about binge eating and over eating, and anorexia and bulimia, and people's health in general when it comes to food (which also includes eating highly fatty foods, or foods that were concocted in a lab somewhere filled with toxins and preservatives and high fructose corn syrup, but tastes like heaven).  It's a soapbox I climb on often.  I will continue to talk about it because I seriously see it as a huge problem in America that people refuse to address or acknowledge.  We like going out to eat or having our big meals for social reasons- so even if it makes us miserable- we don't stop.  We won't stop.  But I will not be quiet about what it does to my health or my sanity.  I will not keep pretending that overeating and food addiction are only other people's problems; not one I'd own up to.  Can we honestly keep pretending it's not a serious problem?  I will not sit around and make comments or jokes about people who struggle with their weight.  And once I get my master's degree- I hope to continue to bring it to the forefront of conversations (hopefully through a great job I land!) because I believe that people can change. And I care about it- I honestly do.  I know from personal experience that changing is worth it; because I'm doing it and I feel it and I'm reaping the rewards slowly.  I know how good it feels to climb this mountain, and I will never stop talking about it.  With the right tools, the right education, and the desire- people can change their lives!

That is my soapbox for tonight.  I hope I have not bored or offended any of you.  If I have- rest assured, I might not touch on addiction much more in the future as it has now become a personal journey.  I know that this is my blog and my "safe haven" and I can talk about whatever I want- and when I want- I will.  And I'm so sorry if I have offended any of you in anyway- you are my lifeline to normalcy a lot of the time and I cannot bear to lose any of you.  But I will not sit here and continue to defend the reasons I chose to start going to the addiction recovery program- I'm over it.  That was my. personal. decision.

Love you all-


Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Process.

Of course.

Of course it's Sunday, and I'm bored, and instead of doing anything productive- I've been milling around the kitchen on and off.  I'll make some tea.  I'll drink said tea and start snacking on chips.  I'll eat said chips and start looking for a treat (I have no treats and know that I have no treats; I look anyway).  I go back into the living room- watch a few minutes of TV, and then start the whole process all over again.  I think I've had 4 cups of tea so far (at least I'm not dehydrated!) I'm not hungry in the least, just bored.  Bored = snacky.  I've eaten way more than the amount of calories I've needed to get through this day by 4 o'clock.  Of course.

I have a lot of things I want to say- and this post is getting really hard to write.  You, my friend, are just on the 2nd paragraph- you have no idea that I've been sitting at the computer for over an hour now, trying to write and re-write this post to make sense.  Something has happened to me.  How do I describe what is happening?  I don't know if I'll be able to- but I'm going to try.

For so long- it felt like binging filled some kind of hole for me.  In reality, binging just kept me from reaching my goal weight, and made me hate myself for not progressing or progressing faster in my weight loss.

I've dipped down to 140 lbs only 2 times this year; once in Feb while at Weight Watchers, and then maybe one other time, although now I'm not sure when that was.  Since I cut out sugar mid Oct- I've lost 8 pounds and counting.  For me, who can't lose more than 3 pounds in a month, that's a big deal.  Before I cut out sugar- I would vascillate between 143-147 constantly.  I'd be down to 143.8 one day; two days later I'd be back up to 146 and hating myself.  I was struggling- hard.  I tried to accept a few times that 143-146 might just have to be my final weight; I didn't see how I'd get beneath 140 considering I'd only done it a few times this year.  Staying in the 140's was not the worst thing that could happen, but it also isn't where I wanted to end up.  I've been smaller before, I could not let go of being smaller again.

I weighed in at 138.8 today- I've only weighed 138 one other time this year- on Fat Flush, with all my clothes off, in the morning before I ate anything (Feb/March ish?).  Well, that's only 4.2 pounds away from 143...but for me, it's a number I haven't seen in years on my own.  No flashy diets; no extreme measures.  Yes, I don't eat sugar- but that is a choice I've made for my health- not for weight loss.  Weight loss is just a secondary benefit for me in this case.

Since I cut out sugar, so many things began to happen that I never expected.  I've been successful at not eating sugar for 45 days (not including Thanksgiving- I don't count that day, although I kind of could because I didn't have any desserts of any kind and I didn't binge on it).  I became super aware of my diet and other things started getting cut out.  I started paying attention to how my body feels after I eat something.  I started paying attention to how much I was really consuming.  I started paying attention to whether I was actually hungry or just eating.  Changing, changing, changing, that's what I've been doing- even if I wasn't aware of it.

But the mental isn't keeping up with the physical.  My emotional self still wants to binge- because even though I'm losing weight and feeling better about my body- I still have so many insecurities that aren't resolved.  Whether they are physical or not- they are still there, making me afraid.  Therefore I still want to binge.

I realized today that in order to be successful in this game- I will have to start facing those fears and insecurities.  That is the only way to truly free myself from the need/desire to binge.  I have to cut the tree down at the root of the problem.

I get emails and comments that tell me I should just appreciate where I'm at and that I should be happy.  I would love nothing more than to be happy and I am working towards that goal everyday.  I also want peace.  I want quiet.  Quiet from my fears and my irrational thoughts that somehow, even at a skinnier size, I'm not good enough.  I will be there one day- I am learning that now.  But it's a process folks; it's not something you just wake up to one day and never have to worry about or deal with again.  That's what I'm finally going through- the process.  If you truly want to be successful in your weight loss- you will wake up and start realizing that all of those fears, all of those things you are 'stuffing' down with your binges...they never go away until you face them.  It's horrifically scary; to know that those issues will not just magically evaporate into thin air once you're "thin".  You might be able to wear a size 8, but you will still feel fat sometimes.  You may be able to wear clothes you haven't worn in years, but you will still feel big in front of other skinnier girls.  Or girls with more money and cuter clothes.  Or girls with longer legs.  Or girls with a husband.  You may weigh 138 pounds and find that you're still scared to get in front of a group of your peers and do your presentations.  Your fears don't go away.  It doesn't matter what the issue is.  The good news is- the issues CAN be resolved;  you just have to start facing them.

I will start facing mine- it's just part of the process.  I'm in the process.

Here's to my issues!



Binging Blues.

The problem with trying to lose weight is that I want to eat.

I don't mind eating healthy, but I still want to shovel my food and hoard it like a little rat.  I'm now at the point where if I do that- I won't lose any weight.  Granted- I might not gain anything because the food is so much healthier.  But I won't lose anything either.

I know what it takes to lose weight.  I've been slowly, slowly meandering down the scale since the binge last Thursday.  This morning I weighed in the 139's...which made me happy.  I weighed in at 138.6 the day of the Big Binge, and I haven't been back to the 138's since.  I'd like to be back down there soon.  I know I'll get there this week, it is just taking sooooooo. long.  It feels like such a chore- to constantly be on guard.  Constantly be thinking about what I'm going to eat, and how much I can have (portion control!).  I'm so tired with the whole thing and I miss the old days where I could eat whatever I wanted and shovel as much as I wanted- until I was wicked full but satisfied.  My body craves a binge like that, but I will not.  While my body may crave it- my mind does not crave all of the nasty feelings associated with binging.  The depression; the disappointment.  The guilt.  The disgust.  The feelings of failure.  The shame.

No, for the first time in my life I feel like my mind is actually healing and coming to a healthier place.  I make healthy choices.  I work out everyday.  I stop eating when I'm full.  I have no need to "stuff". I want to feel feminine and light more than anything else and I focus on that now instead of the need to stuff down disappointment or frustration.  I think it all started to change once I got rid of the sugar.  Eating it the other day only confirmed to me that I'm in a different place now and don't want it anymore.

I knew that I would need to watch every thing I put in my mouth today- but when it came time for dinner, I had a real hard time slowing down and being careful.  I went with a guy friend of mine to eat at Souplantation- do you know of this place?  It's an all you can eat salad buffet with a carb buffet (soups, pastas, muffins and other breads) and then a dessert buffet as well.  I ate my salad and had some mac and cheese and some bread, but it was so hard to stay in control.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to keep eating the carbs and also have dessert.  I did not.  When can I go back to the mindless shoveling I normally do?  Oh wait- that's right. Never. UGHHHHH

I have been eating healthy and working out everyday.  I am so thankful I am slowly losing.  So #1)Why don't I feel/look skinnier (I can't even tell I'm losing), and #2)Why do I still want to mindlessly shovel my life away? Because I'm frustrated; I'm not losing fast enough.  I'm not seeing the results.  I want to binge because I think to myself...what's the point?  The food will make me feel better.  But, this time I know it will not.  (BTW I know my thoughts are completely misguided and ridiculous).

Becoming healthy is so HARD.  I don't know why I want to stay in this little bubble that makes me miserable.  Because it's safe I guess.  Needless to say- I will not do it.  I will not stay in this damn bubble if it kills me- I'm going to lose these last 10 pounds come hell or high water.  I'm determined to stay on track for now.  

Blah.  I hope you're less upset about changing than I am.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Carbs put me to sleep...

Hi friends!

I'm so excited to report on my Thanksgiving Day- I don't think I could've done much better if I'd wanted to.  First of all- I got up and weighed in this morning to find I finally broke the 140 barrier again...139.8.  YES!  Then I headed over to the gym with one of my good friends I call Mick D.  She is so awesome and we had plans to spend pretty much the whole day together.  So we went to the gym first thing this morning and did a kick trash work out.  Then we came home- took showers, got ready, and made a sweet potato casserole before heading over to my other friend Relief's house.  Relief's mom had a huge Thanksgiving planned for her family and us (Mick D and I).  It was so awesome!  The food was SO divine and I did so well- I must say I'm pretty proud of myself.

Since I knew I would probably be eating a lot today- I had a light dinner last night.  This morning- same thing- light breakfast pre-workout with no carbs; and a light snack to tide me over after the gym til dinner- which was around 4ish?  Well- by the time it was time to eat- I was starving.  But I had already planned to eat slowly, listen to my body, and stop when I felt full.  IT WORKED!  Don't get me wrong- this doesn't always work for me- it seems like 75 percent of the time I just ignore the 'full' feeling and keep going- but lately I've been working really hard on listening to my body and slowing down.  Other people eat slowly, enjoy their food, and have stimulating conversation over dinner.  Why can't I?  I tend to inhale everything in sight until I'm uncomfortable.  Conversation, enjoyment- they all seem to go out the window.  But I want to change, and change I will. :)

I did end up having a little turkey AND a little sugar tonight. :(  Doh!  I made it 43 days with no sugar, but while doing the dishes, I randomly decided all of the sudden to "clean up" the edges of the sweet potato casserole (which I helped make and therefore knew it had sugar in it).  I "cleaned up" about a serving's worth of edges in the pan. :(  But I'm totally not upset about it; for one thing- I didn't over eat.  For another, it's a holiday.  For a third thing- this was my first attempt at going sugar free and I made it 43 days!  When the pumpkin pie and all of the desserts came out- I decided I didn't need to have any. :)  I felt a little sick from the sugar (stomach ache) and I did get a headache a little while later, so no more sugar for me.  Guilt also TRIED to set in for a brief moment a little while later (when the stomach ache kicked in?), but I just decided that I will start being sugar free again tomorrow and there's no use for guilt so I let it go asap.  As for the turkey- I had a VERY SMALL piece of turkey with gravy on it and don't feel bad about that either.  After talking to one of my vegetarian friends last night about some issues she's having right now in her life (she's been a vegetarian since she was 8), I've decided that an OCCASIONAL piece of meat is good for my body (protein wise) and I will not feel bad about it.  Maybe only on holidays or something- still haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do or how much I'm going to have yet.  

I was so surprised to find out that my friend- who has been a vegetarian since she was 8, has the absolute worst diet and doesn't seem to know anything about keeping track of the amount of protein she puts in her body.  How can someone be a vegetarian since they were a child and not know the importance of protein in their diet, especially as a non-meat eater?  I thought this was common knowledge! It blows my mind sometimes.  She confessed she eats things like mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pretty much all carbs all day long.  In her defense, she's been a vegetarian since she was a child and her whole family is very strict vegetarian, so maybe no one ever taught her- maybe her parents just included protein in however they did it and never really explained the importance of protein- I'm not sure.  I know they were having a tofurkey dinner tonight.  Consequentially, because she's not getting any protein tho (or not enough anyway), she has been very sick lately and is having a hard time getting better- and she is starting to think it may be because of her diet.  I think it's because of her diet too.  So we had a nice little chat- and I felt so good about my decisions to research and think long and hard about what I'm doing before deciding to go semi-vegetarian a little while ago.  I have been making a lot of efforts lately to watch my carb intake as well and that is really making the most difference (although this has only been happening really since last Thursday).  

I feel so responsible!!  I'm so happy!  This day was a huge success for me.  I am so so so thankful for the things I am learning and the responsibility I am finally taking for my body and my diet- it's long overdue.  I am so thankful for my health!  But if I climb on the health pedestal that I'm on everyday lately- this post will end up being a mile long.  And nobody wants that- so I will refrain. :)

Happy Black Friday friends!  XOXO!!!!



I will write more later but I couldn't leave the last post as the post to read today.  

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!  I hope your day is filled with lots of friends, family, love and happiness.  And PEACE!!!  And good food.  :)  Try not to stress too much- just enjoy your day!!!



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Food Hell.

I'm still up 2.4 pounds from my binge last Thursday and I am annoyed.  Royally annoyed.

Part of the reason I'm not able to drop it off as quickly as I'd like is because everyday there seems to be some celebration at work or wherever and I feel like I am stuck in Thanksgiving hell.  I hope I don't get struck by lightening for saying that, but it's true!  Yesterday, for example, I got up and ate a healthy breakfast (1/2 cup rolled oats), went for a run on the beach (4 miles) and then had an apple for my midmorning snack (around 11- to hold me over til 1ish when I take my normal lunch).  Well, I as at a high school, working on a project with a counselor, and the counselor asked (around 12:30) if I would please stay for lunch; they had a lunch catered in and plenty of food because it was their last day of school before the holiday.  So, of course I said yes because in my mind it was free food- and I always take free food over spending money on lunch...which is stupid I know, but I can't help it.  You would've done the same!

Anyway, it was basically Thanksgiving dinner.  Ham, Turkey, Mashed potatoes, Stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and all kinds of desserts.  Now...after the last binge I've decided to up my vegetarian game- so I have made the vow (again) to not eat any meat for awhile.  I'm trying to decide if I will make an exception on Turkey day- not because I love turkey and can't go without it, but because I'm eating at a friends parents house for dinner and I don't want to be the weird/rude girl who doesn't eat turkey OR dessert.  So I'm choosing my battle- sugar is definitely out- no ifs, ands, or buts about that.  So do I eat the turkey then?  How do I get around that so no one thinks it's weird?  She is having a large group..there will be people everywhere; I can't make a scene.  Dessert is easy to avoid- I'm too full!!  It's the turkey...

Anyway- I digress.  My point is- I ended up having a huge lunch yesterday that kept me full until about 6.  I didn't have any meat yesterday- but I did have mash potatoes, stuffing, rolls with butter and cranberry sauce, a little tomato/cucumber salad, and tons of gravy.  Basically it was a carb addicts dream, and I did my best to eat slow, and not eat a lot of it.  However, when I came home and added up the points (WW)- I was still 10 over target. Fuh.

Today I am having lunch with my co-workers at Cheesecake Factory.  Do I even need to explain?  Like I said- everyday is Thanksgiving hell this week.  Why has this become the standard?  I remember a few years ago when I would basically starve and work out all week so that T Day didn't affect me as bad.  Now it seems everywhere I go- there is food, food, and more food.  And everyone wants to celebrate like it's T Day. I just want this week to be over with.

The good news is- I'm working out everyday right now.  It's keeping the numbers down.  While I still have 2.4 to lose to get back to where I was pre-binge- at least the numbers aren't climbing.  I'm just bummed because usually post binge I can lose the excess water weight within a few days...and now it's been a week.  I'm also very close to goal tho so it's harder to lose weight and keep it off.

Okay love birds...I am signing off for now.  Happy Thanksgiving!  May you have a blessed day tomorrow!!!



Friday, November 19, 2010


Okay okay...I survived my tantrum/binge and lived to have a great day today.

Just thought I should update everyone as I'm a little embarrassed of my outburst last night.  Yes, I did overeat/binge.  Yes, I need to learn to stop a head of time.  Sometimes I can totally stop and get a grip- other times I seem to mentally "go somewhere else" whilst shoveling food.  Last night was one of those times.

On a sad note- I'm back  in the 140's.  My week in the 130's was short lived.  However, I will try to get back there again, as I like the 130's so much better than the 140's.  Today I'm taking a break because it's hard work and i'm tired from constantly watching my food.  My tantrum was exhausting.  What does that mean?  Not that I'm binging today- it means I'm not thinking about it.  I had a bag of cheeto's and a diet coke, and I'm not going to the gym.  I also don't feel bad about it.  I'll be back at the rampage tomorrow- don't fret (I knew you weren't fretting, btw).

Oh, and fyi- for those who wondered...I did NOT have sugar in my binge last night.  I didn't even think about having it- seems sugar has not been on the mind lately- which is good because I need to stay away from it anyway.  So yay for me!

Have a great weekend my little love bugs!!!



Thursday, November 18, 2010


I'm so *(&#$* mad at myself.

Well, I'm still under enormous stress.  I went to ARP and it was awesome.  And then, when I was leaving, someone told me to go to the service auction in another part of the church building.  Every year, there is a service auction, where people offer up services and other people bid on the them, and the money goes to helping families in need with either thanksgiving or christmas- I'm not sure which- I think it's Christmas.  Well, it's my old ward (single's ward), so I decided to pop in and say hi.  One of the women advisor's saw me and immediately grabbed me and whipped up a plate of food- turkey, rolls, stuffing...Thanksgiving dinner basically.  I had two plates.  This is after I had chicken dinner at the surfer's house.  Chicken, black beans, and rice.

Basically I am so full I want to puke.  Binge city.  My scale is up 4 pounds.  I am physically ill and irate at myself.

I'm so mad.  Why is food always going to be a struggle for me?  When will it end?  When will I get to the point where I think..I have a handle on this?  Certainly not any time soon- as soon as I start to think I have a grip- I go and do something like this.  One little bit of stress and I pile plateful after plateful into my friggin mouth.  I literally am about to pop I am so disgustingly full.  I don't even eat meat.  Seriously, it's not something I blog about because it's like- I'm 90/10 vegetarian (but there's still that 10% that's not- so why even bother talking about it, plus it's a long story I don't feel like sharing), but tonight I was eating meat like it's going out of style and I think that's why I am so sick and full.  I don't even know the last time I had meat.  It's been awhile.  I am so grossed out with myself right now.

I'm sorry if this post is negative- but it is what it is.  I had to get it out somewhere- better here than elsewhere.




And now it begins...

I feel overwhelmed.  I just found out today that UCLA's deadline is Dec 1st for applications.  I need to get on my personal statement; it will be a miracle if I can even pump something half way decent out by then.  I'm thankful writing is my better subject.  I also have a lot of work to do, since it's the end of the month and Thanksgiving is next week.  I did not even come CLOSE to meeting this month's goals/budget for work; and  I'm stressed about that.  I have a huge presentation for work tomorrow in front of 180 students.  I need to prepare; it's the first time this teacher (department head) is giving me a chance to do my thing- I need to impress him.  Plus I need to enter all of my leads for the entire month into the system database.  Data entry- my favorite.  ARP is tonight.  I need to workout.  My friend the surfer just had surgery last week and asked me to visit him tonight before the ARP meeting.

When am I going to get everything done?

When I start freaking out like this- I don't do anything.  It's been awhile since there were this many important things on my plate all at once.  I mean, I have a LOT to get done...it may not sound like it- but it is a lot.  So what do I do when I'm stressed?  Definitely not anything healthy.  I start checking facebook.  I start reading blogs.  I don't work- or take care of what needs to be done.  I watch movies. I start talking on the phone to my friends and family.  I write blog posts (ah-hem!).  I revise said blog posts.  I start cleaning out my purse. I get on gchat.  I get on FB chat.  Anything to distract me.  And I eat.

I've already had 15 out of 20 points today (WW). It's only 2:30 and that doesn't leave me with much for the rest of the day.  PLUS I haven't worked out yet. I can guaran-damn-tee you I'll go over the 5 points today.  Yes- I have flex points- but I try not to use them or I don't lose.  Plus I'm eating carbs like a maniac.  Where are my veggies?  I haven't had any veggies or fruits in days.  I tried today; but that orange didn't fill me up so before you know it- I had a different snack in hand/mouth.  I need to go grocery shopping.  I need to get PAID.

I weighed in at 137.6 on Monday.  138 yesterday.  138.6 this morning.  If I don't get a grip- I'll be back in the 140's in no time.  Plus the weekend is almost here.  At least I haven't had sugar yet.

I have so much to do.  Boys are writing me on the dating site.  People are texting me about school.  Maimee wants to talk about boy drama.  I want to hide under my bed; can I go hide under my bed now?



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What was I thinking...

Today I did the unthinkable...

I joined an online dating site.  What is happening to me.

I don't know why I did it...boredom I guess?  I don't know- but I'm kind of freaking out about it.  I haven't done online dating in like...5 years.  I know there is nothing wrong with it- my sister met her husband off an online dating sight- but I'm 99.9% sure it's not for me.  I don't like emailing back and forth- I feel like you can't tell if you have chemistry with someone.  You may THINK you have chemistry with someone...and then you meet them in person and the whole thing goes south in about .5 seconds.  But I'm willing to risk it right now because I'm bored and I want a date.  We'll see what happens...should produce a good story or two.

I'm also going to the gym tonight.  I'm not excited about it- but something has to be done.  I barely cracked the 140 barrier and now I have to work like a crazy to stay under that line.  I'm determined to stay under that damn line.  I ate wayyyyy too much today...if I don't hit the gym, I'll be back up in the morning still...and I just don't want that!!!

Okay love bugs- sorry this is short- but I have to get to the gym. Miss S sent me a little reminder asking what I was doing...and I can't not have an answer for her.  Be ready Miss S!  I'm going right now!!!!



Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Me? A Grad Student? What is this world coming to?

Called a few schools today to find out about their programs....eeeek! Am I really doing this?  I know it's typical- but I called BYU to find out about their MPH program (Master's of Public Health).  I don't want to move back to Utah- but I would if I were accepted into that program.  For one thing- going to school at BYU is really cheap- so much cheaper than other schools.  Especially out here.  Another good thing about it (if I were to be accepted there) is that my uncle lives in a huge house all by himself in Provo (where the school is located).  I'm sure he would let me live with him for cheap...because I have absolutely no money saved and I will be the poorest grad student you've ever met.  If I were to be accepted into that program- I would have to quit my job to move back to UT...which means I would have no job once I got there.  Like I said...poooooooor. Of course I would try to find a new job- but I will probably be uber poor for the next couple of years if I do it.

I also called UCLA.  EXPENSIVE.  But here in SoCal- and in the top 15 programs in the country (#11).  I could keep my job and either commute or move to LA.  At least I'd be living here in SoCal where I love my life and I'd be going to a great school- with one of the best programs.  But super expensive; and probably hard.  And probably hard to get in to as well...

Then there is USC.  I didn't call them...but they are here in SoCal too and close.  Not cheap either.  But again- prestigious name and great program I'm sure.  Was there ever a bad USC grad program?  I doubt it.

No matter where I decide to go to school- I will be poor.  Super poor.  It's okay- I'm super excited anyway and willing to sacrifice for the long term goal.  Have I ever mentioned my happiness doesn't come from material things anyway?

In other news- I weighed in under 140 this morning. :)  More eeeeks!  I'm waiting to give numbers once it's been confirmed.  I need to weigh in under 140 a few times before I believe that it's real.  But I am so excited about it, at least I have done it once now.  Yay me!

And even more exciting...I just got a text from a colleague of mine that said, "Ok, am I out of line by saying I want to be intimate with u?"


I really know how to find them- don't I.  I went to lunch ONCE with this guy.  He keeps late night calling and texting.  I never answer or return any of his calls- even when he actually calls sober during the day.  He left a message once saying, "wow..you are the busiest girl alive".  Apparently me being super busy wasn't enough of a hint- so I let him know today that yes- that was out of line.  And no- we will not be intimate under any circumstances ever, but thank you for letting me know.  He wrote back to tell me he felt like he should just put it out there.  ?????  Um...okay.

That is all I have for today my lovelies!  How are you?? Give me scoop!!!

XO my loves!!!


Monday, November 15, 2010

Work and Weight

After much thought and deliberation- I'm thinking of going back to school to get a master's in Health Administration.  I'm very excited and nervous; I've been researching schools and programs and trying to figure out if this is "the job" for me.  I really really really want to find something that is legit- something I love- something I can call a career- and I want to find a job that I can stay at for a long time and enjoy myself.  I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.  One thing I've learned about myself over the last few months is that I am a person who needs a little more structure.  I like to have goals- they help me to feel like i'm working towards something important.  Life is important, and I want to feel a sense of well being and contentment- and in the work related field- I just don't.  And it's starting to affect other areas of my life; which means it's time to nip this in the bud once and for all.  Does anyone work in health administration?  Does anyone want to share thoughts about it?  I don't want to make the wrong choice here...

The reason I chose HA is because I have always enjoyed 'health', but I don't want to be a nurse or a doctor.  I don't like seeing the insides of people or deal with their sicknesses.  I have been a massage therapist for 7 years and while I've always loved preaching to people about the things I've learned about the body over the years, I don't feel the need to keep working with actual bodies per se.  I've also worked on the back side of things and I love that position so much more than being on the front side (does that make sense)?   Anyway- anyone's guidance, advice, or suggestions regarding this profession would be greatly appreciated.

You guys I'm so excited and nervous!  This means I will probably have to take the GRE.  I am scared out of my mind about this.  I have put off taking the GRE for as long as I've existed pretty much.  I keep moving away from this (and all of grad school really) mostly because of the GRE.  


Such a stupid hindrance.  I don't even want to get started on all of the ways my life would be...could be different if FEAR hadn't dominated for so long.  But I'm learning...I'm moving away from FEAR...for the first time in my life.  You know what they say- Faith and Fear are opposites and cannot exist in the same plane (meaning one can only feel one or the other...you cannot feel both at the same time).  I choose faith.

On another note- I weighed in at 140.2 this morning.  IF I break the 140 barrier it will be a day of celebration like you've never seen.  I can't wait to plummet into the 130's my friends...33 days and counting.  Abstaining from sugar has been really hard lately- worse than before Halloween.  Halloween came and went and I was really strong for some reason.  Earlier today Maimee was eating cake batter out of a cup and I almost lost my damn mind.  But I didn't cave.  I don't know why I haven't caved yet- but I'm trying to make the weight loss a focus so I'll stay in the game longer- I'd like to be able to abstain from sugar until the end of the year (or at least until the 12 steps are finished).  I just think it would be so cool to go through the holidays without worrying about weight for the first time EVER.

It's been so nice...not worrying about my weight.  Don't get me wrong- I still want to lose a little.  But the anxiety is gone.  The constant stress is gone.  The feelings of dread about going out, or what to wear, or why my face looks so fat...it's all gone.  Now I'm just here- present and happy.  People comment on how good I look- and it's only been 6 or 7 pounds.  But it's nice- I left the overweight zone and have happily, slowly cruised into a more comfortable place.  I still work out a few times a week- and I still try to eat healthy, but because I don't feel fat anymore- I don't stress anymore.  Now I just need to stay the course!!!!  And yet it's so hard...mentally I still struggle.  



Friday, November 12, 2010

Meetings and Men.

Okay- because this is such a long post- it's broken up into 2 parts.  The quasi-date 1st; the ARP meeting 2nd.  Feel free to read only what interests you...I know I'm blogging like a crazy lately (2 a days) but I've got a lot to share!  

1) The Quasi Date:  So Sanuk asked me to do something with him last night.  While I think Sanuk is a good person, he is moving out of state in less than a week, so I don’t give him much thought as a potential date.  But for the last few weeks he keeps coming around; I’m not sure if he just needs a friend or what exactly is going on in his mind.  He’s moving!  Anyway, he told me that a bunch of people from his work were going down to Main Street, and since it was his last day at work, he wanted me to come.  I wasn’t exactly sure if this was a date thing, or if he just wanted me to come because we go to the same church so he would feel more comfortable having another mormon there, or what.  

So I dressed up and looked pretty for him when he came to get me.  It was a good thing he asked me to come because all of the guys at work brought a girl too.  I don’t think it was necessarily planned that way- but that’s how it turned out.  Sanuk and I huddled at our end of the table and noshed on the appetizer platter while everyone else enjoyed their drinks and talked about work.  He asked me about work; he knows how unhappy I am right now in my job- we've talked about it before.  I told him that I want to look for another job but I don't know what I want to do and trying to figure out what I'm good at is hard and frustrating.  He smiled.  Then he told me about this thing he had to do at his job- where they had to do these exercises.  These exercises have a purpose- and by the end of the whole thing- he had a list of the top 5 things he wanted to do with his life.  Have any of you heard of this before?  Do you know where I'm going with this?  I had never heard of it before; so I listened very closely.  

He explained to me that the guy who led the group went on a safari one year- and everyone who’s ever gone on the safari asks- "Did you see the big 5 while you were out there?"  What they mean is- did you see the top 5 animals of the safari.  There were 5 animals that are the “big 5”- lions, rhinos, giraffes, and two others (can’t remember the other 2).  Anyway- if you saw 3 of the five- it was a pretty decent safari.  If you saw 4 of the 5- it was a pretty good safari.  But if you saw all 5 of these animals while you are out in the tundra- well then that was a damn good safari and you had success;  Everyone wants to see the “big 5”.  

That's our lives.  We each have 5 things that we want out of life.  If we can get three, then it was a decent life and at the end we could be satisfied.  If we hit 4, that's a pretty good life.  But if we get all 5...than we are fulfilled beyond measure- right?  But how do we know what the top 5 desires of our hearts are?  These exercises.  He explained to me that he didn't know what his top 5 were when he started the journey; the exercises help you figure out your top 5.  Then he promised to help me. :) 

I am excited about this top 5 thing.  Especially if it's the way he described it to me.  I need something to help me have a little direction.

Then I went to ARP.  

2)The meeting: ARP's step as a group tonight was Step 3- Trust in God- the step I finished last week (I'm on step 4 personally).  But tonight's lesson was so good.  The people who lead the meetings are so inspired.  After listening to the lesson again- I realized that I do NOT fully trust God.  I think I do.  I don’t.  I fight for what I want- verses what God wants for me, all the time.  I don't know why I do this- it makes sense that he knows what's best for me because he is God and he has all vision and all power.  He knows me better than I know myself.  So why do I fight so hard, thinking I know what is better for me?  

These addictions are real.  If it's not sugar- it's shopping.  If it's not shopping, it's something else.  They don't seem like huge issues- I can "function" just fine on the outside without anyone knowing really I have an addiction; I’m not at rock-bottom.  But do I have to hit rock-bottom first?  No. 

hide my problems from everyone else.  I rationalize all day that I don’t really have a problem.  I make it look like I'm doing just fine- meanwhile I'm internally obsessing. Maybe I'm thinking about the next treat I can have.  Maybe I'm thinking about the next shirt I'm going to buy.  The problem with me (and I’m sure all addicts) is that I like my addictions.  I like having treats.  I like buying new clothes.  Sounds pretty harmless- right?  Ultimately though, I am not able to reach my goals because of these addictions.  I can’t lose the last few pounds I want, or get out of debt- because I keep doing these little things here and there.  Just one more little bite of chocolate cake even though I’m full; just one shirt that is $7.99 even though I only have $10 left to my name til next payday.

I think I’m in control because I haven’t hit rock-bottom.  I compare myself to others and I'm not doing as bad as they are- therefore I don't have a problem.  I’m able to successfully hide my addiction from other people- so it must not be that bad.  It's only "that bad" when other people start to notice- everyone is like me...right?  I'm in control, or so I tell myself.  But I’m not in control.  If I were in control, I would not have weight issues.  Food issues.  I would not lie in bed at night and cry because everyone else is skinnier than me and no matter what I do- I can’t lose the last few pounds.  One little bite of chocolate makes it better though- doesn’t it.  For just one moment- one little bite makes everything better.  

Addiction; pride- they are amazing weaknesses to have.  You can justify everything with these two little weaknesses.  You can stop yourself from really changing.  You can truly remain in your little safe space forever- and never really overcome anything. 

This whole time- 30 days, I've given myself a lot of ‘pats on the back’.  ‘No matter what my life has thrown at me, I haven't caved to sugar’.  Yay for me!  I'm so strong!  Everyone tell me how awesome I am!  If I can't learn to let go of my addictions and my pride and learn to trust God wholeheartedly- I will never be able to fully overcome my weaknesses and get myself over these hurdles.

Whew!  If you’re still reading- I commend you.  Thank you all so much for being my friends and listening to my problems as I try to resolve them.  Thank you for being supportive of me as I cipher through this muck.  I hope it leads to bliss...



Thursday, November 11, 2010


Today has been a very interesting and exhausting day.  Are you ready for something real?  It's about to get real raw up in here.

I went to lunch with some of my single girlfriends that are wonderful women.  Super hot, super talented, super single.  2 of them have made the tough decision, after 5+ years, to leave our beloved home in Southern California and move back to their original home states.  One is from Colorado, the other is from Seattle.  Today was the big day that they've been cleaning out their house; it's been emotional for them...and me too.

At lunch we started talking about our lives because they are moving and because another one of our friends recently went through this too.  The first one- that already went through it all- has been one of my best friends for 7 or 8 years.  I met her when I was going to the University of Utah- and we instantly became besties.  She moved out to Huntington Beach a year before I did- and recently just moved back to Utah.  The two that are moving out today moved in with her here in HB- that's how we all became friends.  I used to come and visit while I was still living in Utah and stay with them here in HB.

Anyway- we started talking about how our lives have become so different than what we thought they would be when we were younger.  We started talking about the regrets we have, over decisions we made or didn't make.  The joys and the struggles of being single.  How one minute we're thankful we didn't get married too young, but how in the next minute we feel too old to get married now.  One girl kept talking about how lonely she is at night in bed.  I secretly prayed a silent prayer of thanks that this particular struggle hasn't hit me yet.  Another friend goes through this sometimes and both of them are a year older than I am...so I hope it doesn't hit me soon.  My other friend told me that she wakes up in the middle of the night so lonely and aching for someone; it sounds horrible to me.  Ugh.  Anyway, my problem is that I'm bored out of my mind.  I don't care about my life right now.  I'm starting to hate my job.  When the weather changes here (because CA feels so timeless), it affects me, and today the weather is weird.  It was super cold and windy all day.

I don't know what to do with myself- I seem to have no dreams; no goals; no passion.  So I just keep ignoring the way I feel.  I hate that I have no direction right now, but I don't seem to have the energy to put in to figure out what to do differently.  It's just so tiring, always trying to figure out what I should do next with my single self.  I feel like I've been struggling to find a new path or new dream for 10 years now, and where have I ended up?  Nowhere that I thought I would.  I'll admit- it's not that bad.  It sounds bad because I'm having a pity party- but on most days I love my life.  Right now, especially because of my job, I don't know what to do or who I am supposed to be.  I just keep going on and on, and the days pass, and the months pass, and the years pass, and I'm still here.  

One of the girls is moving home to save money so she can travel.  She's not married, she has no ties here- so why not?  She loves traveling and seeing the world.  If she lived at home and had more money, she could take longer trips and do more things.  It really made me jealous.  Every time in the past that I've considered moving home I nix the idea because I am scared I will get even more depressed without my friends and my social life; they seem so vital to my sanity.  Because they are single- they understand me even more than my family does sometimes.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where I want to be in 5 years- let alone 10 or 20.  I don't know what job I want, or where I want to live.  Life continues on all around me, and yet I feel like I am STILL just...stagnant.

I'm sorry if this post seems really dramatic and dark.  I promise that I am just sorting through some things that keep coming up in my life- and writing them out here seems like a good place to do that while I figure things out.  I know brighter days are ahead and all around me even now.  I know happiness is everywhere- I just need to start looking at it again.  As my friend and I were saying earlier...life is like a masterpiece.  You are busy working on this masterpiece constantly.  Some strokes are really easy; some of them you seem to make carelessly.  Some strokes are really hard to make- maybe they are vital strokes- and you have to think for awhile as to where you want to put them and just how you're going to make them perfectly.  I feel like I've been staring at a blank piece of my canvas...and I've been staring at it for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I'm blind.  But pretty soon I will pick up a new color and I'll know just where to put the next stroke.

Hope that makes sense and I didn't send everyone away with a deep sadness.  ARP tonight!  Quasi date..tonight!  Details...to come!


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My 5...


So Miss S tagged me in that little game that is going on- and for some reason I loved it.  Usually I hate awards, but this little game got me all excited because I was thinking about how I would answer each question while reading her answers...and then I found out at the bottom that I was tagged! Hip hop hoorayyy!! Hooooeeee! Heyyyy...

Anyway, here are the questions:

1) What is your favorite thing about the holiday season?
          Umm....what is NOT my favorite thing about the holiday season- especially Christmas?  I think my favorite thing first and foremost would have to be the lights.  I looooove Christmas lights- all sparkly and lighting up the night.  I especially love them outside- in the cold- in the snow.  When you can bundle up and see your breath but be warm with people that you love- looking at them on houses and in trees  (I love it when they're all one color- like all white, or all red or blue...).  I love taking drives to see big houses that are professionally done.  I love when my dad hangs them on my parents house.  I love having a Christmas tree in the living room and it's the only thing that is lit up in the dark.  2ndly I would have to say the music.  I love Christmas songs.  I love love love singing Christmas songs or listening to them.  I love when my mom lights a fire in the fireplace and turns on some Christmas tunes...her house is so peaceful and smells liked baked goods and it's just so wonderful.  I also love that it's my birthday on Christmas Eve.  I don't know why- but in the midst of all of the celebration- those closest to me remember to tell me happy birthday and I love it.  My mother has always taken the time to make it a special occasion.  I will always love and cherish the things she did for me on my birthday- when everyone else was running around buying last minute Christmas presents- she would be baking a cake and bringing it to me on a special plate that says "It's your Birthday! Time to Celebrate!"  She has always gone above and beyond to make that day about me and I love her so much for it.  My birthday will never be the same without her- but because it's on Christmas Eve, I've always been able to share it with my family and that has been priceless.

2) What is your top 5 favorite artists of all time?
          What?  Wow...um...crap.  This might take a moment.  (Not in this order- that is too hard and I can't think quickly because there are too many) I have always loved John Mayer, Dave Matthews, Tom Petty, Neil Diamond.  Alicia Keyes.  Elton John.  The Beatles; Sade; Brian McKnight.  Josh Groban.  Kenny Chesney (I'm from Oklahoma- don't hate!) Faith Hill, Reba, GARTH!!!!! always and forever.  This could go on all night, I will stop there.

3) Who are the inspirations in your life?
           My mom- first and foremost.  She is the most kind woman- so friendly and humble.  And faithful; She is such a good example to me of what a good friend is.  She gives everything away to help others.  She is not materialistic and she has the best heart of anyone I know.  My sister next.  She is so patient.  She never raises her voice or loses her temper- I don't understand how she does it.  She is a little sassy but so classy and timeless and just...pure.  I love her.  She is tenderhearted and sweet and just the epitome of what a classy woman is these days to me.  Feminine.  Beautiful.  She isn't loud; she doesn't need to be.  But she's strong and loyal...My father; my grandfather and grandmother too.  They were so social and fun.  Loud, but the life of the party and good people. I love them and miss them.

4) What is the one thing you wish you would've known when you were younger?
           Ah...do you really want me to get on this soapbox?  I wish I would've had more confidence in myself.  I wish I would've stood up for the things I believed in.  I wish I would've realized back then that I am a beautiful person- and I am unique- and I am loved and would be missed if I were gone.  Confidence- for sure.

5) Who are you tagging next?
          Drazil (of course)
          Deb- Deb will be Free (I had to- I know you love these things)
          Josie- xoxo

Yay!!! I hope you guys don't hate that I tagged you! I can't wait to read what you have to say- xoxoxoxo-


It's getting CRAZY up in here!

Last night my friend Ape texted me to see if I wanted to buy this rock climbing pass with her- $40 bucks for 2 months of all you can use rock climbing at this local rock gym.  We were going back and forth about it when Maimee (my roomie) came in my room (Ape and I were texting).  "You want in on this rock climbing action? $40 bucks- all you can rock climb.  Hellz yeah!  Ryan is going to be there.." I asked her.  "Dizzy, I've been talking to my dad about some things that are happening in our economy.  Our economy is very shaky right now.  I am going to be spending my money for a little while building up my emergency preparedness stuff and I think you should too..."  Ehhhhh?

We proceeded to have an hour long conversation about emergency preparation.  Now, us mormons believe in being prepared.  Every month I get little newsletters about what I can do to better prepare myself in the event of an emergency...whether it's for a natural disaster, a governmental disaster, a bomb, a fire escape plan in the event of a fire in my house, whatever.  We talk and talk about it- but I admit, I haven't done much about it.  I bought some water a few months ago to have in storage in case anything ever happened and we didn't have water...but then I drank it when we moved into this apartment because we don't have a lot of room for storage and I had no where to put jugs of water.  But what if something did happen and we didn't have running water?  I would not be prepared.  Maimee and I have 2 spots in the garage; there is no excuse to not have any extra water on hand.

I probably sound paranoid to you- my reader.  That's understandable and that's fine- I'm not surprised you'd think that.  However, I want to argue that there is nothing wrong with being prepared for things either.  I'm not just talking about having an emergency storage here (although I will be going here momentarily- so if you are interested/curious...keep reading)- any time you are prepared for something, whether it's physically, emotionally, spiritually...#1 you have peace of mind, #2 you are mentally/physically better equipped to handle the situation without panic, fear, whatever.  You become a person of action instead of reaction.  Prepare yourself and your family.  It's always better to be prepared.

So I chose not to spend $40 on rock climbing this month.  I will be going to Wal Mart soon and buying more water.  I also asked a friend of mine who sends out the newsletters to send me a list she has for "grab and go" emergency bag, and I'm going to be building mine.  If something happened and you were without electricity, water, and access to the bank...would you and your family be okay?  Maybe it's something to think about.  Here is the list my friend sent me- if you are interested.  As my mom always says to me- it's not something to overwhelm yourself with.  Just next time you're at the store, buy a little something off the list here and there.  Eventually you'll have everything on the list .  And you'll be prepared in the event that something happens...at least for 72 hours.

Adult Grab and Go Bag: Have a grab and go bag for each person in your house.  Keep it by your bed (or in your car, or wherever).  If you need to evacuate, grab and go.

  • Flashlight, batteries, and light sticks
  • Portable radio and batteries
  • Key (house and car)
  • Money (coins and bills)
  • Glasses, contact lenses, and solution
  • Medications (at least one week supply)
  • Comfortable shoes, 2 pairs of socks
  • Comfortable clothing (sweats, extra underwear)
  • Jacket or sweatshirt
  • Whistle (call for help if trapped)
  • Pocket knife
  • Paper and Pencil
  • "Okay" and "Help" signs (provided by CERT)
  • Emergency phone list, out of state contact #;s
  • List of people to notify if you are injured
  • Copies of important documents, insurance, identification, social security, etc
  • Small first aid kit
  • Toilet articles: comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, washcloth, face towel, shampoo, lotion, razor, lip balm, emery board, nail clipper, sanitary products, tissue, sunscreen, etc)
  • Toilet paper
  • zip lock bags; grocery bags
  • good book, playing cards, crossword puzzles
  • work gloves, several pair of latex gloves
  • blanket
  • plastic ground cloth
  • dust mask
  • crow bar (may need to remove debris)
  • drinking water- store in a separate place; minimum one gallon per person)
  • food
  • snacks (granola bars, trail mix, peanut butter)

There you have it my friends!  Hope you're prepared!!  Think about it- even if your car were to break down on the side of the road, at least you'd have stuff for a few hours until your car is picked up.  It's just a good idea!  If you want an emergency list for a grab and go for seniorz or for infant/toddlers too- email me and I'll send you lists for those people as well.  Good luck!



Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's an Update thing.

I haven't written in a few days because, well, I just don't have much to report.  I've been thinking about different areas of my life- thinking- well...could I report on any boys?  NO!  There is no one new.  There is a super cute boy actually, that I think is beyond beautiful- but alas my bestie (and super aggressive bestie at that) has swooped in and stolen him as an option.  I am currently trying to snag his older brother's attention- but the older brother lives in Chicago so I'm not trying super hard.  I have concluded though- that when I do finally meet someone- it's going to be a guy that has to be interested in me and only me- because with how aggressive my friends are- I will never be able to snag one if they just go for "whoever is easiest" or, whoever makes things easiest for them anyway.  All of my girlfriends are super cute and super aggressive, and as much as I'd like to say I can step it up and be as aggressive as they are- I can't.  It's not in my nature- it doesn't feel natural to me and I can't force it.  I've tried in the past- only to come home in tears and embarrassed because I did something I wasn't comfortable with.  So I'm hoping someone will come along who is interested in me- and only me.  Let's keep our fingers crossed...

Could I report on any work crap? NO!  There is nothing new there either.  Work is boring lately.  They changed the responsibilities of my position back in October and now the position is pretty boring.  I have to visit so many high schools a day and set up appointments to come back and do presentations and yesterday I broke down bawling in my car because I loathe making these visits so bad.  I also started my period 5 minutes later though...so I think I'll chalk up that bawl fest to TOM and move on.

What about my family?  The only thing new I can report here- is that my nephew started walking.  I'm love the little videos my family sends me!  I will not be going home for Thanksgiving but my sister and her husband and boys will be coming out here to see me.  I will be going home for Christmas but my sister and her husband will be at his parents house for Christmas, so it won't be the full family this year.  It's okay though, I'm still looking forward to just lounging around my mom's house for a week.

What about weight loss?  Well..I'm down, so that's good.  Still haven't broke the 140 mark- the weekend was pretty rough.  I ate sooooo much- but didn't really gain anything.  I thought I did- 2 pounds, but then I started my period and that 2 pounds immediately went away.  I'm sitting at 140.4 as of this morning.  I'm going to go on a long run this afternoon to see if I can help my body shake off a half pound or more this week.  :)  I AM SO CLOSE!!!  I think I was basically there before the weekend started but the weekend was just so full of eating and eating and more eating festivities that it's a miracle I didn't gain more.  Pizza and burritos made enchilada style and breakfast waffles with peanut butter and whip cream and banana's and...oh my!  The bottom line?  Food: I luv it. I huge puffy heart it.  It's one of my favorite things in life.  However, since I'm trying to lose weight- it's not the best thing I can do right now (eat all the time).  So I'm working out hard during the week and trying to "eat sensibly" so that when weekends like that come along- I'm not destroyed.

Other than that- my life is the same.  Still plugging away at the no sugar thing...this Friday will be 30 days.  I'm elated.  It's not getting much easier but I'm getting used to it- and that's good enough for now.  Still doing my ARP steps- this week is step 4 (TRUTH)- and while it's brutal- I try to just consider it cleaning house.  You have to clean out all the dark spots, with all of the cobwebs- and put a light in there so you can see and organize everything and then you're good- right?  Maybe throw out a few things...stuff like that.  If that makes sense- I might just be confusing you.  Maybe this will help...the key principle of step 4 is: "make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself".  There is a lot that goes into this...but like I said- long story short- cleaning house.  Write all of your strengths and weaknesses.  Be honest.  Acknowledge what you've done; your past- etc etc etc.  It's a work in progress but I'm getting there.

Anyway- that's me in a nutshell this week.  How are you doing?  What's new with you???


Friday, November 5, 2010

Sponsor Me.

Well my friends...it's 6:05 pm and I'm waiting for the bestie Coke to finish getting ready so we can hit the streets of our beloved town.  Din tonight with the girls!  Guess that means this update is going to be quick!

Today has been a super good day eating wise.  It was a great day ARP wise (meaning I began step 4).  Step 4 is amazing and I will tell you guys about my rad experience tomorrow- I just don't have the time tonight.  Today my sponsor called me to see how I was doing after last night's debacle and I was so happy to talk to her- even though I was slightly embarrassed about my breakdown.  She assured me that 'this is what happens in support groups' and 'that's why we have them- to support each other'.  I told her that this was so much deeper than I ever expected- I merely meant to cut out sugar until the New Year, now all of the sudden I'm on this war path and I never EVER expected any of this.  It's easy sometimes- it's so hard other times.  She reminded me that it's okay to have breakthroughs...and then she said this (which I thought was interesting): "Anytime you take the core out of something, everything else that was attached to that core begins to fall apart.  You took the core out Dizzy Girl...so it makes sense that  things are rough right now.  Everything is reshifting- adjusting.  It's okay though, because you will learn how to heal correctly."  In my mind's eye, I saw the core being ripped out of the middle of me.  It looked like a spike; a thick, rusty nail spike.  And then I saw all the other parts of me that were attached to that core start to crumble away, almost like an avalanche or mudslide.  But I believed her- that everything will heal correctly now that the thorn is out.

I know this sounds dramatic- but please understand it's not about the sugar.  It's about addiction.  If it's not sugar, it's sex.  Or alcohol.  Or porn.  Or drugs.  Or gambling.  Or shopping.  Or carbs.  Or working out all the time.  Or drama.  Or getting high.  Addiction is the crutch we use to avoid dealing with life.  Life is hard sometimes; of course if we can find a way to escape it- we do.  But if that escape starts to consume you- if you find yourself escaping more and more, if you can't escape and you start to get frustrated or angry, if you would hurt other people in order to escape, if you would hurt yourself in order to escape...then...well, you might have a problem my friend.  I am trying to throw away my crutches for good- and I had no idea how much I used them in the first place.  I mean, I kinda knew- but I really had no idea.  I thought I just wanted to quit sugar for a little while.  But if you're honestly working the steps of a 12 step program, and throwing your whole heart in...well- lucky for you, you get to find out how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

But like I said last night- I am at peace.  I have accepted the challenges ahead and I'm ready to face them square on.  I am still on my rampage- and ready to be under 140 in a matter of days.  It might be as close as 2 days...depending on how good I am at dinner tonight. :)  AND I AM READY FOR THE 130's!!! BRING THEM ON!!!  And believe it or not, I'm beginning to feel the stirrings of a deep joy that is starting to nourish and grow it's little way in my heart.





Well, it's definitely been an emotional day.

ARP class tonight wasn't what I expected.  When it came time to share- I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying- which shocked everyone including me.  I honestly had no idea it was coming...even when the guy right before me was sharing, I was still contemplating if I should even say anything at all because I didn't think I had anything to share.  At the last second I said a little prayer that whatever was in my heart- if I should share it- if it would help anyone else- I prayed that God would give me the courage to share it and then I just opened my mouth.  Words were tumbling out and then tears followed.  The girl after me started crying too.  The girl two people down from her started up a few seconds later.  Needless to say it was a very raw meeting- but it felt good.  I honestly had a huge emotional release tonight that I didn't even know was built up inside and for the first time in a long time, I am at peace.  And it feels amazing.

Let me tell you guys something- trying to recover from addiction is hard.  Please don't kid yourself and downplay the seriousness of addiction because it's "only sugar".  It's so hard; emotionally, physically, mentally. Taxing, I tell you!

Anyway- just know that there was an emotional break through tonight that has left me drained, but optimistic.  I really do feel like my little soul is healing.  And so is my body- it feels different than it has ever felt before.  I can't quite describe it quite yet but when I find the right words...

I have not had sugar in 22 days.  Next Friday will be my 30 day mark- if I can make it.  I'm motivated to do it- that's the longest I think I've ever gone.  I came home and wanted a little treat after being so exhausted by my outburst tonight- but alas, that is the slow, simmering burn that I will probably always feel.  I'm getting used to it- it's not as bad as it once was.  Reminds me of a super hero in a book- it's my curse!  But I must continue in this battle. :)  My abstinence IS getting easier; despite the anger, frustration, and occasional craving brought on by something like Coke Zero (ahem! Aspartame anyone?).

I can already tell- tomorrow is going to be an absolutely wonderful day.  I hope it's as good for you, as it is for me...



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

In addition...


I know I just posted.  But something else just happened and I'm disgusted and I had to write it out - right now.

One of the teachers that I work with recently 'took an interest' in me.  Sent me a text and started up a convo- asked me to send him pictures of myself in my Halloween costume.  I didn't send him pictures but added him on FB.  We've been chatting nonstop for 2 days via text- he sent me a text last night that said, "Good night pretty woman, can I text you tomorrow?" and then this morning- 8:01 am- "Good morning! Como estas D!? How are you this morning?  Did you get plenty of sleep?"

I thought that last year he was married, but figured that maybe he got divorced over the summer or maybe he was never married in the first place, I couldn't really remember for sure how I knew that...however, when an opportunity arose to ask him if he was married- I took it.  We were chatting about facebook and I asked him who the girl was in the pictures with him.  He said, "some of them are neighbors, one is my sister, some are cousins..."  I pushed further.  'Are you married? I thought for some reason last year you were married...'  to which he didn't respond for awhile.  Then he responded back that he was, indeed, married.  I have not responded since.

I am so disgusted.

I've already deleted him from my facebook.  What a pig.  I am seriously so angry right now.  Who the hell does this guy think he is?  Even if it was "friendly chat", which I don't do, the things he was texting me were totally inappropriate because he is MARRIED.  I would NEVER have texted with him in the first place had I known.  Just for the record- he texted me first, I just responded back, not that it matters.  But still- I never text any guy first.  I did think it was a little weird at first, but figured there was no way...no way he would cross that line.  Maybe I'm being old fashioned here- but I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to be texting a single girl, let alone calling her "pretty woman" and texting her first thing in the morning.  I mean, back me up here, if your husband was texting another woman like that- would YOU be comfortable with it???  The worst part of it - to me, is why do these guys think that I would be interested in that shit?  That I want to be some mistress or something?  Me?  You must not know me if you think I will play this game with you.  I try really hard NOT to do anything that would warrant this kind of behavior out of a married man- I respect marriage and I respect that this is someone else's man.  I don't want any of it.



I swear.

Sorry my posts this morning are filled with hate/frustration.  I swear I will be in a good mood for the rest of the day-





I'm so bugged with my body right now.

I made a goal to lose 1.5 pounds this week to get me out of the 140's and into the 130's.  I am so close and sick sick SICK of sitting on the fence- being this close to the 130's and not being able to touch them.  A month ago I made the goal to get down to 140 by Christmas and stay there.  It wasn't a lofty goal- but it was a goal nonetheless and I knew that the closer I get to 140, the harder it is to take and keep the weight off my particular body.  However, cutting out sugar has seemed to drop pounds right off and I've been sitting around 141.4 for about a week - a week and a half now.  So I decided that I wanted to go ahead and lose 1.5 this week.  Why not make bigger goals if you meet the ones you made earlier?  Feel me?

So yesterday and Monday I had good workouts/runs along the beach to help my body just kind of push towards the 139.9 mark.  Monday I ran 5 miles, last night I pushed to a new place and ran about 6.5 miles, maybe a little less (6.3?).  I had a taco after the run while down on Main St (Taco Tuesday yo!) and some water and that's it.

So why the hell does my scale go up this morning?  Not just .2 of a pound or anything- a whole pound.  I'm so irate.

I know what you're going to say- Patience. Give it time. It's okay, it only went up a .8 of a pound- we all fluctuate, etc.  I'm still pissed.  How am I going to hit my goal by next week if the scale is going the OPPOSITE direction?  Meanwhile I woke up sick.  Sore throat, stuffy nose, congested to the max.  No appetite.  Which also means no working out today.  So what do I do with that?  Proceed to have 2 bowls of cereal (non sugar, and unsweetened almond milk- of course) a piece of toast with peanut butter on it, and then I sat here and scooped peanut butter out of the jar for awhile, eating even more of it.  Because I didn't have enough on the toast apparently.

Oh yeah.  So "getting over my eating issues"?  HA!  I might not be eating sugar- but I clearly still binge when I'm pissed at myself. Oy veh...


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Another Battle Entirely


Here's the thing.  Ever since I decided to embark on cutting out sugar- my life has been in turmoil.  All kinds of issues seem to be surfacing since I made the decision...which I guess is good.  I see it as now that I don't have sugar to push these issues back down anymore, I have to deal with them.  I'm sure you might've noticed...I went from fun loving to stressed lately.  The good news is that I'm conquering issues- one issue at a time.  Or so I feel- some of them are a little deeper than just being resolved in one afternoon.  Like the one I'm about to discuss right now...

As most or all of you either know or have figured out by now, according to my posts...I'm mormon.  I'm a single mormon girl, living in southern CA.  I have one of the best lives; seriously I do.  I'm not trying to brag.  When I read that other people wish they had a different life, I always think...they want my life.  I know it sounds conceited- but it's so true!  I am single, I am fun, I have a great job that offers tons of flexibility and great pay that affords me to get to do a lot of things other people don't get to do, I have a super active social life, I'm in decent shape and working on this constantly, and I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world- where it's summer/spring time almost all year long.  I can lay on the beach in January- it's true.  Come visit if you don't believe me.  I also never really go without...there is tons of things to eat and things to do at my disposal whenever I want.  I get to date good looking men.  Lots of them.  I am definitely blessed.

So what's the problem?  Well, a few years ago I made the very personal decision to only date people within my own faith.  I used to date people that weren't of my faith a lot- but it got me no where and in the end I felt like it would be better if I could date people that "understood" where I was coming from.  In turn, my dating has dwindled.  Of course I still go out on dates (quite a few by other people's standards), and of course there are lots of great mormon guys out there...but not as many as there used to be for me.  I'm getting older- and more and more LDS guys seem to either get married or find other ways to disappear off the map .  But that was my choice- and for the last several years...probably 4 years now...it was a fine choice that I never regretted making.

Well, this issue- of course...along with everything else- is rearing it's ugly head in my life again right now.  Last week I went to dinner with several of my girlfriends- and we started talking about dating and I admitted I am in a super funk right now and have been in this horrible dating drought for months and it's causing me to be confused and just...sad.  They did not look at me with pity as I had anticipated- instead they told me to lighten up. Get out there and explore; quit limiting myself.  There are so many great men out there that want to be in serious relationships with the right girl, if they could just find her.  This was coming from girls that are mormon girls too- I thought for sure they would just revel in the pity- but no.  Instead they let me know that it's time to take the boundaries off.  None of them limit themselves like I'm doing.  I mean, of course we'd all like to find someone of our faith that 'gets' us.  But there are many men out there that can 'get it' and not be a member- right?  To say the least I was very surprised at some of the girls that were saying this because these were girls I thought for sure were like me- unwilling to open that door.  Instead I seem to be alone in this.  I've been thinking about this for several days now- and it almost sends me into tears.  

A few days later I had a lunch date with a guy I met through my job (who is not LDS).  He was very kind and very flirtatious and cute...and told me several times that he was attracted to me.  The best part about it?  He was normal.  We were able to have normal conversation.  He also began texting me through the weekend, but ultimately sent me a text saying that he wanted to come over at 2 am on Friday night- to which I quit responding to his texts.  I'm not a dumbass...I know what a 2 am drunk booty call looks like.  He called me this morning- I didn't answer.

Last night I went to dinner with another 2 girlfriends...and this same issue came up again.  Both of them said that they are open to dating people outside of our faith too- and both told me to quit limiting myself.  One of them said to me, "D, I would rather marry a man that I love, that treats me well and is respectful but not LDS (mormon), than "settle", marry a man I wasn't sure about but was mormon, and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake or worse...regretting that choice.  Hands down- no question.  I would marry the non-member."  It really resonated deep in my heart to hear my friend say that- especially because these are all women who I love and admire deeply.

So now I'm here.  All day I've been consumed with this.  The truth is I'm scared to date someone who is a nonmember.  The last few times I've tried it- I did serious damage to myself and probably to them too- trying to be someone I wasn't, or do things I knew I shouldn't do.  I know that no one forces me to do anything- but I do it to myself.  My roommate kept telling me last night- "but we're different now, D.  We're different women."  I don't know if I am.  I feel like I am too black and white- too good or too bad.  I can't seem to find that middle ground where I can be good and yet relax a little.  I feel like I am so staunch...even amongst my mormon peers I'm pretty staunch.



Monday, November 1, 2010

Nanu Nanu

Thanks to Justawallflower...I was able to make some anon pics for you guys to see our costumes.  Here are the Halloween pics!

So cute huh!  The Martian thing was a complete hit at all the parties we went to this weekend. Yay!!  In the bottom picture, I'm the one on the left.




Ugh I've been putting off writing this post because I have so much to share.  SO MUCH. Ugh.

In order to keep the post somewhat condensed, I'm going to avoid talking about the weekend festivities.  Just know I had an awesome weekend- which was to be expected because it was Hallloween.  I did not have any sugar- I'm on day 19 of no sugar.

What I really want to talk about is my ARP meeting that I went to last night.  My normal meeting is on Thursday nights, but there was a meeting yesterday, and since I was working last Thursday night, I opted to go to the meeting last night.  It was different because, it was a group of 10-12 people, all struggling with either sugar addiction or compulsive over eating, or something food related.  It was one of the best meetings I've ever been to; it was one of the hardest meetings I've ever been to.  So many people were crying.  Our addictions are real; and they are hard.  To me, these addictions are especially hard because I feel like out in the "real world", no one else sees these problems as problems.  Eat! Drink! Be Merry! Right?  

But in reality, people are silently suffering.  They are in their kitchens while their husbands are in the shower- stuffing as much toast and jam in their mouth as fast as they can before he gets out and catches them.  They are locked in their rooms with a stash of secret candy because they don't want to be judged by their roommates.  They are sitting in their cars in a fast food establishment's parking lot, stuffing down food when they're not even hungry.  They are stuffing stuffing stuffing- and they are doing it alone.  Silently.  Alone.

And then they hate themselves.  They hate that they can't control their emotions; their bodies.  They're embarrassed and that's why they hide.  There is all this self loathing and hatred.  There's no control and they're mad that they so easily let go of their control.  Sometimes they might punish themselves; mostly they just disintegrate into a sea of self loathing and pity; despair. Fear. Denial.  What else?

It's really hard to admit you have a problem, let alone start taking steps for 'recovery'.  I respect these people so much.  I wanted to hug so many of them.  When it was my turn to share, I talked about the void I feel; the one that I don't know why it's there or where it came from, or how I'm supposed to get rid of it when I don't even know why it's there in the first place.  How, for so long sugar filled it- how it literally can melt away negative feelings and turn them into happy ones...but now that sugar is gone- how I'm struggling to learn to overcome these feelings by myself.  I know that I will overcome these feelings and this addiction, but it's one step at a time and sometimes we want to just be healed.  We don't want to go through the process.  The process is the hard part...but yet so necessary.  Every person in that room was struggling with some MAJOR issues in their lives- or they were struggling with past issues that haven't been resolved yet.  To see that I am not alone in this seriously strengthened me so much.  I know I have this blog, and friends and followers who support me- and I am so grateful.  But I still feel so much that I am doing this alone- and that makes it hard.  Last night I didn't feel alone.  I was able to relate- and be related to.  Someone else understood how easy and hard this is, because they are doing it too.  Some have relapsed; some are starting over; some had easier weeks than the rest of us.  But we were all there- together.  Learning, and lifting each other up.

I think it's never too late to change.  You can change your life at any age- no matter where you are.  Right now, you can start changing.  I still have hope and faith that God will help me become the girl I'm meant to be and want to be- and help me overcome my addictions and weaknesses.

A woman called me afterwards to thank me for sharing and offer support and it meant so much to me that someone would actually track down my phone number and call me.  I cannot believe the ways in which I'm changing and growing from these classes and the experiences I'm having right now.  I am so blessed and so grateful for the things I'm learning.  I am stronger than I ever could've been on my own because of these classes and these people and God.  Every day I'm literally shocked that I'm still going; every day I'm so grateful that I'm still going.  I know I may relapse at any moment- but so far I've made it.  And if I relapse, hopefully I can forgive myself, pick myself back up, and try again.  It's in the process, not the end result- where true change happens.

I promise I will add some pictures from the weekend so that you can see my costume- I just have to take a few extra steps to scratch my face from the pictures and then I'll upload them.  Please be patient with me!  Will add soon!