Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I am so happy.

Sometimes I sit around and ponder how I got to this point.  I don't know that I've ever felt so fulfilled or so happy in my whole life.  Blah Blah Blah I had a whole paragraph typed out about how wonderful my life is, but in an effort to condense this post I've deleted it.  Just know, I love my life lately and am super happy.

Last night I was looking at some of my fellow bloggers pages and I was a little saddened that some people seem to be stuck in the same ruts they've always been stuck in.  They complain about the same things that ail them over and over and over again- but seem incapable of really making the changes that would bring them happiness.  I've been reading the same posts for a year.  They WANT to change; they start anew consistently in a real attempt to change.  We all root for them every time, but inevitably they are stuck and end up falling back into old patterns.  I'm by no means judging or trying to come down on anyone- but it made me start thinking about people in general and how some of us change and some of us just don't, or can't.  I think of some of my friends in my "real life" who have not changed at all in the last 14 years since I've known them; and how others have changed so much you wouldn't even recognize them from 10 years ago if they walked up and slapped you in the face.

The more I think about this- the more I realize I am in the same boat and it annoys me.  I want to be different- I'm so good with change in other areas of my life- why do I struggle so much with my weight?  While on one hand I'm willing to take major risks to change my life (ie- get a new job and take a huge plunge into uncharted waters to make more money and be happier, or fly half way across the country to meet a guy to find a possible love match), on the other hand I cannot seem to lose these last 20 lbs to save my life.  As soon as I start to lose- I sabotage myself somehow, some way.  I want to lose the weight; there is no question to that.  I really, really do; I want to lose it.  I look around all day and covet other women's bodies who are smaller than me.  I know this isn't healthy, trust me I know.  Sure, I'm thankful that I'm so close to goal and sometimes I even try to just find peace within my size; but inevitably I always go back to being unsatisfied with where I am and go back on the upswing.

So that's where I'm still at.  Still.  If you're tired of reading my blog, I don't blame you.  I'm tired of complaining about the same thing.  I'm tired of telling you guys I'm on yet another rampage only to sabotage myself a few days later.  What's the mental block?  I want to vow that I will change; but I don't know if I will at this point.  Why is this so hard?  I've heard other people say this, and I get annoyed.  "Just do it" I think, and yet, here I am, asking myself the same damn question.  Not sure what it's going to take- watching all of my friends and many others lose while I'm sitting within the same 5 lb range.  Awesome.  

Please believe me though- I am overall pretty happy.  I only have 1 more week left of this job and then I'm off to new opportunities.  Now if I could just create opportunities for myself to lose the last few pounds instead of looking at it like a chore...


Bored with myself.


  1. I'm trying to figure out that last 15-20 myself, LOL. I know part of the block is just that I *am* at a healthy weight already and there's no pressure... I do better when my arm is twisted, like back when it was actually a health issue for me to weigh less.

    Ah well. Onward and upward!

  2. If I had to guess I would say that you can maintain your current weight without putting in too much effort, but if you want to lose more, you'll have to increase the exercise and decrease the calories, neither of which is super fun or exciting. It is easy to make short-term, temporary changes, but long-term changes, which is what losing and maintaining a 20 lb loss would require, are much more difficult.

    My personal philosophy has been to accept myself the way I am because I don't want to exercise more and eat less. I'm hapy where I am at, but I also am pretty comfortable with my weight and appearance. I don't know if the difference is that I'm a bit older than you and in a different place in life.

  3. Oh boo boo! I feel your pain. I am one of "those" that sit around constantly complaining about the same problem too. And I, too, read about everyone else complaining and think "just lose the damn weight and quit bitching!" Isn't that messed up when we are in the same boat. Easier said than done right?

    I am glad you are in such a good place in your life right now though. Good for you doll.

  4. We are all made up of many parts. We're not like a basketball that is in only one place at a time...even if it bounces pretty fast and far, it is still one thing, one place.

    People aren't like that. Often, blogs are focused on one aspect and the other perts of us are an "oh, by the way..." kind of thing.

    Often we use blogs to try to get past the thing/place in which we are stuck. so, guess what? Our blogs look like we're stuck. We forget that it is just THAT one piece that is stuck.

    Look at the beginning of your post--you know, before you worked your way into being bummed out about your weight stuckiness. Lots of changes, growth, development--professionally, socially, internally. But the weight thing. Yep. Stuck.

    If you look back at your old blog, you'll find the same kind of stuff written about your weight. (Only you weighed more.) Me, too.

    BUT remember, this blog--although about a lot of different things--comes back to being about weight. the stuck spot. The thing you have to hammer away at to get unstuck.

    That's a good thing. It is. Blogging is a tool for all of us to get unstuck from that stuck place. I don't need to blog about professional development--my skills are well-honed. I don't need to blog about cooking--I can cook already. I need to blog about getting my fat self out of being a fat self.

    One day, we will say we're having a breakthrough, like we've said before, but that time it will be the mother of all breakthroughs. :D And we'll be unstuck.

    Til then, be patient and remember--we are all many parts and some of those parts are moving along quite nicely--and some aren't.

    Hugs, fierce girl.


  5. Diz I totally understand you. The self sabotage is one of my own personal demons. But there is a few things that I have been mentally going through in my head 1.) why am I scared of finally being my ideal weight (cause I KNOW that is why I sabotage myself) and 2.) How am I feeling directly before I sabotage myself. These are things that I am looking at. And trying to find the root of my problems, cause I am so done being unhappy with myself. xoxox

  6. Hi! I'm new in the blogdom but I just wanted to say I feel what you're saying. It seems so much that we want to change, but as Amanda K said, there definately has to be a commitment to those last 20 or so. One thing though - to be truly happy - that is a gift. enjoy!

  7. Is this about me? Ah well you are stuck with my butt fat or thin, I will blog stalk you until the end!

    We just have to keep getting back up girl, sometimes I am taking it minute, by minute but I know I want it and you do to. We've got it. Love ya.

  8. Hey, Diz. First, thanks for the kind comments on my blog. I appreciate it very much. I was just thinking the other day about you and I starting our bloggy life together---you ready---in September, 2009!

    Yeah. High time we got this weight loss thing done with.

    Good luck with your new job. Keep us posted.


  9. Since you are so close and don't seem all that distraught why not just make some lifestyle changes that might make some little differences here and there? One thing might be the 8 glasses of water a day. I know people do way more than that in some cases but in my opinion we don't need to go overboard. After that becomes a habit, make some other change like doing some exercising while watching TV. You can do some crunches, leg lifts, even some weights without missing a thing. Things will start adding up and maybe some weight will disappear.