I am so happy.
Sometimes I sit around and ponder how I got to this point. I don't know that I've ever felt so fulfilled or so happy in my whole life. Blah Blah Blah I had a whole paragraph typed out about how wonderful my life is, but in an effort to condense this post I've deleted it. Just know, I love my life lately and am super happy.
Last night I was looking at some of my fellow bloggers pages and I was a little saddened that some people seem to be stuck in the same ruts they've always been stuck in. They complain about the same things that ail them over and over and over again- but seem incapable of really making the changes that would bring them happiness. I've been reading the same posts for a year. They WANT to change; they start anew consistently in a real attempt to change. We all root for them every time, but inevitably they are stuck and end up falling back into old patterns. I'm by no means judging or trying to come down on anyone- but it made me start thinking about people in general and how some of us change and some of us just don't, or can't. I think of some of my friends in my "real life" who have not changed at all in the last 14 years since I've known them; and how others have changed so much you wouldn't even recognize them from 10 years ago if they walked up and slapped you in the face.
The more I think about this- the more I realize I am in the same boat and it annoys me. I want to be different- I'm so good with change in other areas of my life- why do I struggle so much with my weight? While on one hand I'm willing to take major risks to change my life (ie- get a new job and take a huge plunge into uncharted waters to make more money and be happier, or fly half way across the country to meet a guy to find a possible love match), on the other hand I cannot seem to lose these last 20 lbs to save my life. As soon as I start to lose- I sabotage myself somehow, some way. I want to lose the weight; there is no question to that. I really, really do; I want to lose it. I look around all day and covet other women's bodies who are smaller than me. I know this isn't healthy, trust me I know. Sure, I'm thankful that I'm so close to goal and sometimes I even try to just find peace within my size; but inevitably I always go back to being unsatisfied with where I am and go back on the upswing.
So that's where I'm still at. Still. If you're tired of reading my blog, I don't blame you. I'm tired of complaining about the same thing. I'm tired of telling you guys I'm on yet another rampage only to sabotage myself a few days later. What's the mental block? I want to vow that I will change; but I don't know if I will at this point. Why is this so hard? I've heard other people say this, and I get annoyed. "Just do it" I think, and yet, here I am, asking myself the same damn question. Not sure what it's going to take- watching all of my friends and many others lose while I'm sitting within the same 5 lb range. Awesome.
Please believe me though- I am overall pretty happy. I only have 1 more week left of this job and then I'm off to new opportunities. Now if I could just create opportunities for myself to lose the last few pounds instead of looking at it like a chore...
Bored with myself.