Sugar Heaven.

I didn't want to go to the gym today.  I'm back in that phase of dreading the gym every time I go for about an hour before I finally make myself just go.

As I got to the gym, I was having the WORST craving for something with sugar in it.  I mean bad.  It's weird because, sometimes you think cravings are in your head.  It's been 5 days, and I've been able to manage with just a few quick blips of cravings and then they pass and I'm fine.  But I knew this morning when I woke up that today was different; I could feel it.  All day I felt great- amazing- energetic and hungry.  I've gone off sugar before- never for super long- but I recognized the feelings.  It's the same feelings I have when I do the Fat Flush diet and it's always around day 4 or 5...the sugar is finally leaving your system and suddenly you're clear headed again, you're energetic, your body feels so happy and light and even if you haven't lost any #'s...things start to feel good.  Real good.  It's funny because previous to today I'd always thought it was because I'd cut out pretty much all carbs and sugar- but today I realized it must just be the dismissal of sugar that makes me feel so much better.  I'm still eating whole wheat breads and grains- it's mainly just sugar that I've cut.  And this week soda is going too (maybe soda's on the weekends- haven't decided yet- but I've noticed they make the cravings worse.  But my friends are always drinking soda and I always think I should have one too!).  I start getting hungry all the time because the sugar isn't clogging up my body and it processes everything normally and efficiently- so I get hungrier quicker.

I was feeling that all day until around 5, when I decided to head to the gym.  I literally stepped out of my vehicle, saw some candy in my car that someone left, and my mouth started watering like a damn dog's does when they smell meat.  I wanted to kill someone.  The girl ahead of me that was stick thin and going inside the gym in her spandex outfit?  Possibly.  I threw the candy in the trash without opening it because I knew if I left it in the car, I would probably eat it later.  I also began asking myself if I could really do this.

Is it possible for me to cut out sugar?  It's day 5.  Only day 5.  The cravings get worse if I remember correctly (I've only cut out sugar for longer than 5 days once in my life).  I mean, I'm pretty happy that I've made it this far..doing as well as I've done.  Usually by now I've cut out carbs as well and can't take it and go back to everything.  This time, it's just sugar, so I'm making it.  Yes, I had some sugar over the weekend- but overall- I'm still counting those days because dammit I need days under my belt to keep me motivated.  I don't want to start the countdown over.  If I have a binge or eat a dessert or do something drastic- yes, I'll start over.  But 3 werther's original chews and 5 skittles and half a muffin?  I'm giving myself the okay on this one.  It was the weekend!

I'm scared I can't do this.  My mind has been thinking those thoughts- you know the ones.  The "you know you're not going to make it" thoughts.  The "you've never done it before and you LOVE treats D" thoughts.  The "Do you really think you can go without ever having candy or cake or chocolate or something else ever again?" thoughts.  I told myself we're not putting the "ever again" label on anything this time!  Why can't I listen???  And then I think of the treats.  Mmmmm...Boston Cream Cake (Um excuse me?  I don't ever even eat or think of Boston cream cake), or Cheesecake, or Heath's.  Twix.  Snickers.  Ice cream. Snickers Ice cream.  Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; Reese's Giant Cups.  German Chocolate Cake (again, I never eat or crave it and yet I've thought of it 5 times today).  My thoughts are so calorie rich I'm about to have heartburn just thinking them. My stomach aches just from the thought.

Kill me.

I can do this. I will do this. I can do this. I will do this.- Let me start chanting to myself again.  Can I do this?  Shit.

D