WARNING: This is going to be a super long post- I hope I can keep you with me (already tried to condense and revise twice now)...
In case you were wondering- I didn't have one of the pumpkin bars last night- my roommate didn't end up making them. One of our guests did bring over ice cream though. I didn't have any ice cream- but I did end up having a little sugar- which I'm a little bummed about. One of the guys in my ARP program of all places, happens to also be in my social circle and one of my besties- Coke- thinks he's hot. So she invited him over for dinner last night (she has no idea he's in my ARP class, but we ran into him at church). Out of all things- it was him that brought me down. I didn't do too bad- but a few little things happened. #1- he passed around a bag of skittles and insisted everyone try them. They are the new skittles that have 2 different flavors or whatever. When you put them in your mouth- they taste like watermelon (for example), but then the inside is a different flavor- like apple or something. I had about 5 skittles. I tried to avoid them but because he thinks we have a connection (we're both ARP), he insisted I try them- and because I haven't admitted to my ARP group yet why I'm there- I didn't want to make a scene so I tried them. We also have a fire pit out on our patio and he stayed for the fire. He ended up roasting some Werther's Original chews and putting them in between Ritz crackers and insisting again that we all try them. He passed each person their werther smore and one by one- we all tried them. Again I tried to avoid- every time he passed a smore to me- I would pass them on to someone else.
Eventually he said, "Diz I really want you to try these you'll love them they're so awesome" so I broke down. I sampled a bite and broke up the rest of my cracker smore and passed the bites around to those that hadn't had a smore yet. But sure enough...he passed another to me. Then another. I sat there, eating these smores, not enjoying one bite. Inside my head, I was making all the excuses I could say as to why I can't have another one, but as he kept passing them to me specifically I kept eating them and hating them. They weren't gross- I just have been on a roll and didn't want any, but didn't have the guts to tell him that. Luckily after 2.5 he ran out of werther's and finally sat back to just enjoy the fire. Overall I'm still satisfied with myself: in 4 days I've had half a banana nut muffin, 5 skittles, and 3 werther's chews; not bad- especially compared to all of the sugar that has been in my face all weekend.
Okay- on to what I really want to talk about:
I have been working through my ARP book and wanted to share some food for thought for you guys as I know many of my followers are also watching what they eat. If this helped me maybe it can help you on your journey as well.
The first step to recovery in Addiciton Recovery is Honesty and Humility. One of the questions the book asks (that I loved) is: "In what ways are you of infinite worth?" I've been thinking about this question a lot this morning. As I thought about the answer to this question, I realized that I have never thought of myself as being of "infinite worth". I usually do not sit around and think about how much my family loves me, how much God loves me, and how I make a difference in people's lives- whether it's a good difference or not. I don't usually stop to think about how much I would be missed and how much the world would be different if I weren't in it- it's just not part of my normal thought patterns. Do you? Have you asked yourself lately how you are of infinite worth? Interesting thing to think about. It is right along the lines of the thoughts I had last week as I commented on blogs about raising our babies and how we can help them break the cycle's that we ourselves are in. (Does that make sense? I feel like that is a wordy sentence).
Let me expound: Last week there were several blogs that talked about how can we help our babies to grow up and NOT go through what we're going through now as far as weight issues are concerned. We don't want them to be overweight- however, we also don't want to instill unhealthy or obsessive traits in them that many of us are fighting now, such as constant dieting, etc. I wrote on a few blogs that for me- I would try my best to instill a sense of self worth and confidence in my child, coupled with teaching my child to love and respect their body by eating healthy, working out, etc. I know everyone has a different opinion and different ways that they will raise and teach their babies. But as I've thought about how I can be different, I realize this is something my mom was not able to teach me and my sister- because she never really loved herself or had a lot of self confidence herself. Obviously- I want things to be different for my babies. I never stopped to consider that as I am trying to recover from my own issues right now, I am naturally changing for my babies in the future.
What I'm trying to say is: I think that when we heal ourselves from the inside out, I think they see and sense the truth: whether we are confident in ourselves and love ourselves (and thereby treat ourselves respectfully), or whether we are obsessed and going to extremes to get or stay thin. They not be consciously aware of it, but they are still absorbing our energy and our efforts, and they grow up reflecting what we taught them- whether consciously or not. Some people have commented that their babies are saying words like "diet" already- though they (the child) have no idea what it means. It's because whether we realize it or not- they are constantly absorbing and learning from us- constantly. Think about it- what kind of self esteem did your mother have for herself? You know, though you might've never had a conversation with her about it- don't you. Please understand, I am not trying to preach about being a good example to your babies. I am asking you to think about yourself- how do you reflect that you love and respect yourself to your babies? For your babies? Don't you want them to feel that way about themselves? I want my babies to love and respect themselves- because I love them and know what it's like to grow up without that feeling of self confidence. Society today tells you all you need is to be thin- but that's not true. I know plenty of thin girls who hate themselves. I need to realize and accept that I am of infinite worth. Once I grasp this- I will reflect it to others.
In what ways are you of infinite worth?