I have things to celebrate, and things to bitch about in this post today. I hope I can get it all out there.
Celebration: Last night was a friend of mine's 30th birthday party celebration. Since she's single, her friends decided to throw an old school slumber party for her at my other friend's parents beach house. We played games, sat around and chatted a bunch and bonded (there were about 15 girls there), and of course- there were about a zillion treats there. All of the birthday girls favorite treats were there. But I did not have a single thing with sugar in it. So basically I ate some lime flavored tortilla chips. But I'm seriously so proud of myself! It was so hard but I conquered! I feel like if I can say no to pumpkin cheesecake and ice cream, chocolate turtle love, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, whipped cream, coke ice cream floats, and caramels (among many, MANY other things), I can say no to anything. I ended up having to leave though because at one point I thought for sure I was going to crack. I started drinking diet coke in order to give my hands something to do...and with DC and Coke Zero comes massive cravings, so I had to eventually bounce. BUT I DID IT.
Today I came home after church and my roommate and bestie Coke and I started talking about watching a movie and treats. I had a little bag of kettle corn and my roommate started making pumpkin bars. She flat out asked me to have one. I said no. I just looked at her and said, I'm sorry but it's been 1.5 weeks and I don't want any right now. To which she said that she was proud of me, but also told me that it's okay every once in awhile. For her it's okay every once in awhile, I agree- but right now I'm on a roll and I don't want anything with sugar in it. Everyone knows it. Even people I haven't told are now starting to catch on- because basically I'm not eating anything when we're in public anymore- because it's always crap that's sugary. All of our social events seem to swarm around sugar foods and treats. So she made the first batch of pumpkin rolls and brought them over for me to smell. I smelled them. Fine. I will not have one. I'm becoming more and more determined to prove I will not have one.
I'm kind of irritated about it. I feel like she's straight up trying to get me to have one. After she has watched me struggle with this and talk about my recovery classes. I will not have a pumpkin bar right now no matter what happens. So I guess instead of me seeing this post as a bitching session, I can look at this as yet another victory. Take that!
It's still hard though- after a week and a half. I'm not really having cravings anymore but I still want the treats mentally. Even now as I type this, I hope and pray I will not end up weakening out there and having a pumpkin bar. I am still not sure of how long I will last. I'm still having to fight this battle hour by hour. I'm still afraid I'm going to fall down at any given moment. I guess even if I do- it's okay. I keep having to remind myself- it's waxing and waning- not all or nothing. Even if I fall- I can get back up the next day.
Okay- I'm going back out there- still sugar hungry. With pumpkin bars in the oven and the friends devouring them.