In all honesty- I don't know if I will actually publish this post- because this is a brand new blog, and I don't want to start out this way. But here I am. I just want you to know- I'm terrified to write this post and click the button "PUBLISH POST".
I started this blog, and had all these intentions. I was going to be a different writer. I was going to comment more and be a better friend. I was going to make new friends and be fun and upbeat. I was going to be anonymous. And instead I got busy with work...and now- instead of writing this upbeat post like I had intended...I'm sitting here- struggling.
Tonight I went to my first Addiction Recovery Program class. I sat in a room with about 12 other people, listening to everyone talk about their addictions. How they struggle day in and day out, and need God to help them. They need to be humble and accept His help. They were right. You might find this funny- but I don't. I went there because I believe I am a sugar addict, with a combination of addiction to food (sugar being the stronger addiction). I don't want to believe I am a sugar addict, or that I have a problem. I don't want to admit that I have a problem at all; in fact, as I left tonight, I tried to convince one of the other attendees that I don't have a problem. But I do. I know I do. I have taken the quizzes before- I meet most if not all the symptoms/requirements. I'm not healthy. I'm not sick- but I'm not healthy, if that makes sense. Sometimes I will binge, and then starve to keep my weight down (it doesn't really work great, btw). I've thrown up my food- when I wasn't sick. I've done it twice in the last month. Wow- I can't believe I just admitted that out loud. There is only one other person on this planet that knows that I throw up sometimes- my sister.
But after listening to everyone talk about their addictions- and being honest with myself (first step)...I know I have a problem. It's not out of control right now. I am not dying from it. But it's there- and I can't control myself sometimes. I eat when I'm not hungry. I continue to eat after I'm satisfied...and even after I'm full sometimes. I eat sugar every single day and sometimes I will eat it until I get a horrific stomach-ache. I will by-pass healthy foods in order to eat sugar. I have a secret stash of candy in my room and would be enraged if someone came and found it and ate any of it. I don't eat it really..but it's there...just in case...
I'm nuts- right?
So I commented on a bunch of blogs tonight- but my comments were weird and jerky (not jerky as in mean- jerky as in- not cohesive..if that makes sense). I'm in a weird place right now. I'm a little depressed. If I wrote on anyone's blog and offended them in anyway- I am so sorry. I just can't think straight right now. I also haven't worked out in a week and can feel the depression sneaking back in. My scale is tipping numbers I haven't seen in over a year; last night I literally laid in my bed and felt obese. I laid there and just felt it all- engulfing me.
I need to get a grip on myself and my eating habits.
Here I am- confessing my issues to my new followers. I'm sorry- but I just got out of the meeting. I should've just admitted it in the meeting when it was my turn- instead I decided to pass and let the next person go. Maybe next week.