Thursday, October 14, 2010



In all honesty- I don't know if I will actually publish this post- because this is a brand new blog, and I don't want to start out this way.  But here I am.  I just want you to know- I'm terrified to write this post and click the button "PUBLISH POST".

I started this blog, and had all these intentions.  I was going to be a different writer.  I was going to comment more and be a better friend.  I was going to make new friends and be fun and upbeat.  I was going to be anonymous.  And instead I got busy with work...and now- instead of writing this upbeat post like I had intended...I'm sitting here- struggling.  

Tonight I went to my first Addiction Recovery Program class.  I sat in a room with about 12 other people, listening to everyone talk about their addictions.  How they struggle day in and day out, and need God to help them.  They need to be humble and accept His help.  They were right.  You might find this funny- but I don't.  I went there because I believe I am a sugar addict, with a combination of addiction to food (sugar being the stronger addiction).  I don't want to believe I am a sugar addict, or that I have a problem.  I don't want to admit that I have a problem at all; in fact, as I left tonight, I tried to convince one of the other attendees that I don't have a problem.  But I do.  I know I do.  I have taken the quizzes before- I meet most if not all the symptoms/requirements.  I'm not healthy.  I'm not sick- but I'm not healthy, if that makes sense.  Sometimes I will binge, and then starve to keep my weight down (it doesn't really work great, btw).  I've thrown up my food- when I wasn't sick.  I've done it twice in the last month.  Wow- I can't believe I just admitted that out loud.  There is only one other person on this planet that knows that I throw up sometimes- my sister.   

But after listening to everyone talk about their addictions- and being honest with myself (first step)...I know I have a problem.  It's not out of control right now.  I am not dying from it.  But it's there- and I can't control myself sometimes.  I eat when I'm not hungry.  I continue to eat after I'm satisfied...and even after I'm full sometimes.  I eat sugar every single day and sometimes I will eat it until I get a horrific stomach-ache.  I will by-pass healthy foods in order to eat sugar.  I have a secret stash of candy in my room and would be enraged if someone came and found it and ate any of it.  I don't eat it really..but it's there...just in case...

I'm nuts- right?

So I commented on a bunch of blogs tonight- but my comments were weird and jerky (not jerky as in mean- jerky as in- not cohesive..if that makes sense).  I'm in a weird place right now.  I'm a little depressed.  If I wrote on anyone's blog and offended them in anyway- I am so sorry.  I just can't think straight right now.  I also haven't worked out in a week and can feel the depression sneaking back in.  My scale is tipping numbers I haven't seen in over a year; last night I literally laid in my bed and felt obese.  I laid there and just felt it all- engulfing me.  

I need to get a grip on myself and my eating habits. 

Here I am- confessing my issues to my new followers.  I'm sorry- but I just got out of the meeting.  I should've just admitted it in the meeting when it was my turn- instead I decided to pass and let the next person go.  Maybe next week.



  1. D - this is YOUR blog - YOUR space...YOU write what YOU want...and we help just like you help us. That being said my heart is breaking for you. I'm sure you fear that we will not like you or look down on you for admitting your addictions - but take note - for me - it's the opposite. I respect your bravery and your courage and your honesty and your first step towards beating this. It's not in your head - it's real - and going to a recovery program - well that's something many will never have the courage to do. I encourage to write out what you learn at the meetings - many blog about what they learn in their therapy sessions - and it helps those of us out here who don't have the balls to take the healing steps like you do. We can take the steps through you and heal together. There is no requirement to be happy every day in your blog - that's not reality. Whenever you need me - I am here. Always. Forever.
    ILYGTD. Take care of you. Send me your phone number on FB by the way - I'll text you!

  2. We all have issues right. Don't feel bad, if we can't talk about it here where can we?

  3. exactly to what draz and jenny said....this is the exact place to talk about these things. we are here to support & encourage & push & yell & love :-)

  4. D! Draz is right, you ARE BRAVE! You're a doer, a solver and I respect that. You realize you have a problem (even if it takes you a minute) & you start thinking how can I figure this out? What do I need to do to fix myself. That's a lot like me. I pride myself on seeking answers & truth. You're being an active participant of life, which is what God wants from you. You do know we all have our own crazy issues, right? That's WHY people blog (In my opinion). It's part of it anyway. To connect to others anonymously or not. To be accountable (which is why you wrote this post). To share our journey, to beat our demons. Everyone likes the "real" posts, the truthful ones, the meaningful writings. Not the fluff (not that you're fluffy). You're no worse off than the rest of us & you putting it all out there is helping more people than just yourself. Go on with your bad self!

  5. Diz, it took a lot of courage from you to write what you wrote in this post. you know you can be yourself and do anything you want and write about anything you want.
    the longest i've ever gone without a sugar binge is six weeks. i will attest that weight issues sometimes consume my life, and i have always admired your honesty, wit, and resilience. no matter what happens to you, you bounce back; don't think you haven't inspired anybody.
    ps- i had a beauty-related question i wanted to ask you on your last post, but i thought maybe you'd do another post like that again, and i'd ask then. the truth is i can't remember what the question is NOW, but i will try to jog my memory and get it to you!! <3

  6. I know exactly what you are talking about. I am a carb addict. Carbs are satan to me. I have eaten them in secret before hoping that if no one else knew then it didn't really count. It almost kills me to pass them up and usually I fail at it. I know how you feel believe me. Sometimes I wonder why everyone else isn't like this. My posts always seem like they are worse than others I have read. I don't know if they just aren't admitting some things or if I am just really really bad off!

    I feel for ya dear.

  7. There is this really great book written by a nutritionist/chiropractor. It is called "Licking the Sugar Habit". It is a really great book, and very helpful for food addictions, but specifically sugar. You should definitely check it out! And don't beat yourself up, admitting your problem is the first step to recovery! And we are here for you, during the fun, upbeat, helpful posts, as well as the raw, emotion filled, downer posts. There is no judgement in blog land! Here you get to be loved for you, ups and downs, just like it should be! Best of luck to you!

  8. I think you are really smart to go to the addiction meeting. And for putting it out there for use to read. Please try to not do the throw up thing. I ruins your teeth. My daughter is bulimic and she's off and on with it. I hate to watch her, she knows she has a problem, but sometimes life just gets too hard for her. I'm proud you told us.

  9. You posted exactly that post that you were meant to. I hope it helped to ease that burden from your mind. We are always here for judgements can trust us.

  10. I'll echo the Draz is Right folks because... well, she is. And you're not alone -- you are someone who actually is doing something about this, though, and that makes you rock.

    Hang in there. We're not going anywhere.

  11. I agree kindheartedly with Draz! Life sometimes glitches. Food addiction or sugar or what ever is no different than any other addiction. Scary part is it is everywhere. And it takes strength to show up. Even if you haven't totally convinced yourself you should be there. Diz I know that you care about yourself and hope peace finds you! xoxox

  12. Diz, This is the best post you've ever written. Until we face these things and are honest with ourselves about them, we can't get victory. I am relieved that you've made your way to this place.

    You're moving towards victory now--yes, you are! :D And you'll take others along with you, fierce girl.