I was driving in my car thinking, "for sure today is the day (I break down and have sugar)". I just knew it was the day. I was depressed about something else entirely and started thinking about how hard this really is getting. I thought it was hard the first few days, but now...after it's all out of my system, it's really getting hard. Not because I crave it. But because it was a mental crutch for so long. My whole life pretty much. If I needed a pick me up- treat. If I wanted to celebrate- treat! If I was bored- treat. The treats never stopped coming, until one day they did. Now I have nothing to lean on- and even though I know what I'm doing is the right thing- I'm depressed about it. It's so hard to actually deal with shit once you don't have your 'go to' crutch. I don't know why- but I mourn the loss of sugar- seriously. I know that's a funny sentence...but I'm dead serious. I'm mourning the loss of one of my most dearest beloveds. How do you not mourn that loss?
I was complaining to my mother about it (I'm so thankful she answered the phone!), and even she wasn't understanding. "You need a treat" she said. "It's been almost two weeks. Get some sugar free jello..." she started..."Mom you don't get it. I've had treats without sugar. It's not the same. Having a treat, whether sugar free or not, is not the solution." I wanted her to understand so badly. I'm not even sure I'm making sense to YOU guys, let alone her or anyone else. It's not about the treat. Of course I can have a treat. But I can't substitute a sugar free treat for a regular treat- that's still using a crutch. I need to learn to walk without crutches.
I'm so thankful for the gym in the last 2 weeks. If it weren't for that damn stairmaster (I NEVER thought I'd be saying this) to get me through, I know I would've caved by now.
I know it shouldn't be depressing- I should be elated- I'm overcoming my addiction. But it kind of makes sense to me that depression is part of the healing process. You're giving up something you love. Sugar has been proven to release opiates in the brain just as heroin or any other drug does. How have I released any opiates in the last few weeks? Have I even? I don't know. Maybe from the gym I hope. My whole life, I've carelessly released opiates with sugar's help, and now I can't do that anymore.
I will still trudge forward though. Things are getting better- despite the pitiful tone of this post. Today I am not nearly as depressed as I was yesterday; I am getting better. I'm just really sick of my job today which isn't helping anything- but at least my weight is still down and my body physically feels great. I'm so much more energetic and less tired, even later in the evenings, than normal. It's crazy weird, but so nice. Hopefully I will continue to lose weight on this journey. Yesterday I started journaling my foods again. I go to the gym everyday. I am eating so many healthy, yummy foods that are good for my body- and I feel so good about that.
The sad news is- tomorrow night I have to work. Tomorrow night is my addiction recovery class. I'm freaking out. I want to go so badly- I need to go so badly. I have to work though. I think what I'll do is call the girl that I've designated as my sponsor and find out where the other classes meet, and just go to another class this week that is different than my own. It will be different people, but that's okay- it's progress. I don't think I can make it another week without the class. I picked the girl that inspired me to do this as my sponsor because she has gone 70 days without sugar and I feel like she gets me more than anyone at this point...or at least what I'm going through. I am so thankful to her for everything she's done for me- she has helped me so much in actually taking the step to begin the process to kick this thing.
Whew! A lot on my mind. I think this might be one of the last posts about the sugar thing. I'm don't want to obsess about this- it's just another step in the process. Even if I'm obsessing, I don't feel like it's healthy to dwell on it constantly. I need to accept that this is my life now and even as I continue through it and make it "normal" for me, I want to just focus on the things that make me happy and keep me uplifted.
So thank you for reading! Seriously- you guys don't know how much you are helping me with your comments. I look forward to and am so thankful for every word written. You really do give me added strength. :)