I just wrote an email to a friend, and I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring something out- so yes, I'm writing post #2 today to see if maybe I can figure myself out.
I am scared. Of what- I'm not sure. But when I start thinking about my life- and realizing that I might be going to grad school soon, or even attempting to do this- I freak out. It's not school that freaks me out. It's letting go of my perceptions of my life and what I thought I should be doing by now- and trusting God that makes me scared.
The thing is- I don't know why I'm so scared to trust him or to move forward with my life. He has never let me down. He has always been there to help and support me. I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought I would be able to in my life- thanks to Him. So why am I scared?
I just wrote to my friend- that I feel like a child, hiding under the bed. Recently, the topic "wasting time" has come up in several conversations I've had. I look at my life and realize that I have carelessly thrown my life around and not worried about time; now suddenly, lately, it seems to be pounding at the door and I'm scared. I know I've wasted time. I know I've wasted a lot of it- and never cared really. I also know suddenly that I cannot continue to do this- I cannot pretend I should put off grad school for another year and travel to Europe- because I won't travel to Europe- I'll stay in my job and procrastinate doing it and procrastinate finding another one and procrastinate going to school. I'd procrastinate my trip to Europe too; I'd say I don't have the money. You think I'm kidding- but I'm not- this is how I keep myself safe.
Why am I so afraid to move forward? I really want to do something in communications; I feel more right about that than I have anything else in a long time. It's a natural fit for me. So why am I scared to start taking the steps to make communications a reality for me?
I want to cry right now just thinking about all of this. The tears are threatening as I type this out- and the part I find most odd- is that I cannot verbalize to you why. If I wasn't more "aware" right now- I'd get off this chair and go binge. I feel it in my body- my body wants me to go eat right now. I'm fighting it; I'm staying in this chair and staying on this page- and staying in this mind set. If I want to go to grad school, and if I want to succeed- I need to face my fears and squash them so I can move on. Plus I've had enough to eat today; I know logically I'm not hungry.
I feel like a freak. Who gets scared like this? For no reason? And what the hell am I so scared of?
Sigh.
Okay- back to work. TTYL..hopefully something comes to me soon.
XO-
D
This is scary stuff. Don't feel bad about stressing out about it. Maybe it would be a good idea to make some appointments with a therapist or life coach or clergy person to map out a strategy.
ReplyDeleteI am older than you - 37 now. My perspective is that the best laid plans seldom work out the way you think. You could go to grad school and fall in love and decide to be a stay at home wife and mom for a while. Or you might feel called to be a missionary or go into the Peace Corp or something else. The point is that there really isn't a "right" answer. All you can do is do your best and be open to the direction life takes you. This stuff has a way of working itself out....but it doesn't sound like you are very happy with your job and maybe it is time for a change! Good luck! I know that whatever you decide will be the best thing for you!
Thanks for your sweet comment. Sorry I have been MIA-sometimes life makes it hard to form complete sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe unknown can be scary. It can also be exhilarating to just let go & let God. The main regret I have in my life is not pursuing my education earlier. Now I have this wonderful family-but a huge gap of unfulfilled "me". You are making the right choice. Make the leap Dizzy-I know it will be okay.
Girl, I know exactly what you mean! I have done the same thing. I mean, I am almost 28 years old, and still almost a year out from completing my BA!!! And the really screwed up part? Well, I'm getting ready to start my accounting classes, you know, the thing I'm going to school for, and I'm starting to freak. I LOVE numbers! But I am so afraid of failing that I don't even want to start! Maybe that is what you are dealing with too. If you have the degree you will be expected to do something with you, by both yourself and by others. Maybe you have the same fear of failure? If you ever want to talk, email me at justawallflower83@gmail.com.
ReplyDelete((((big bear hugs))))
Who gets scared like this? I'll tell you who - only those brave enough to face the fear. Many never feel this fear - cuz they shove it down and settle. You are on the cusp of something big and it probably feels like a rollercoaster. Butterflies and fear but knowing you still want on the ride and hands straight up while you're on it and then getting off knowing you have no regrets and you'd do it again. Get on the rollercoaster....you'll never regret it.
ReplyDeleteWhat Drazil said.
ReplyDeleteAnd God can only steer a moving ship. One anchored in the harbor may be safe--but it's not doing what it was designed to do.
Plunge out into the deep, fierce girl. God will guide you one step at a time. You do NOT need to know the end from the beginning, He does. In life, one thing leads to another--few have it all mapped out exactly the way it will end up. Those who do are usually disappointed with the outcome. :}
Someday, you'll look back and say, "Who knew when I went to grad school for X, I'd end up here doing this?" God is good.
Deb
:)
Deb
Go for it! There is nothing to be scared of...life is a beautiful journey, enjoy the ride!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for what you are doing! Keep posting, and stay strong.