I've been weak lately my friends. And I'm getting weaker by the day. On Sunday, Maimee made Almond Rocha. I sampled it. I also sampled my friends coconut cake last night (um...does 5 bites still count as a sample or an actual piece of cake? We'll go with sample). Today I practically drank a boat of alfredo sauce at Olive Garden...with 3 breadsticks on the side for kicks and giggles (I know this isn't sugar necessarily but this just shows that my eating resolve is tumbling down the hill). Dinner tonight was Thai food.
Tomorrow night is one of the bestie's birthday dinner. Friday is the work Christmas Dinner/party. Saturday is another party (surprise party for another bestie). Sunday blurs into Monday...and the whole thing starts over next week again. Meanwhile I'm craving sugar. Meanwhile I'm not only craving sugar, I'm starting to "sample" things. This 'sampling' of mine is turning into a daily thing now. Just a sample, you know. Small. A bite. One here. One there. One lick. One taste.
I "sampled" a Ghirardelli peppermint bark square that Maimee has sitting out for our guests yesterday. For no reason, other than I've walked by the bowl a million times in the last 2 weeks and then suddenly yesterday I decided to have one of them. I just tore off the wrapping and ate it before anyone could say anything. Maimee was in the middle of saying something and she just watched, and I stared back, defiantly. I knew that she was processing what was happening; I could literally see her thoughts. I didn't care; I almost dared her to ask me what I was doing.
I'm not sure what this means.
Where is the drive that I had once to not eat sugar? Where is the need to abstain and prove to myself I can do this? Why is it that I've read about 1 million articles on the horrific affects of sugar on the body, and yet I bring it to my lips with such sweet pleasure? There is no hesitation whatsoever; no pause. No waver. Instead, there is a feeling of deep satisfaction that is almost deadly. A sense of euphoria that I feel as I reel it to my gaping mouth.
I sat and explained to someone yesterday, in detail- 30 minutes of detail, how bad my mental addiction to sugar "used to be". Hmmmmmm. The worst part? I don't feel bad. There is no sense of remorse. Until it starts to show on the scale or it starts to hurt my stomach (because I've eaten too much), I won't feel a tad bit bad. I bring it to my lips willingly; lovingly; quickly and almost vehemently.
My Beloved (My precious?). Where hast thou been? We've been having secret rendezvous. Inappropriate, explicit, hot and bothered steamy secret rendezvous. When can I see you again? Where? How long must I wait? I'm consumed all over. Burning hot desire ravaging through my taste buds and lips. Constant thoughts sneaking my attention and stealing me away.
Luckily I've still been able to talk myself out of most of it. I fear the worst though- a binge waits in the shadows; flirting on the outskirts of my consciousness. Unfortunately- due to the friend's celebratory dinner tomorrow night, I will be missing yet another meeting of ARP. Which means yet another
I've tried. I've tried to read my ARP book. I've tried to recite the scriptures and quotes that once held so much power for me. But the honest truth is I'm not trying hard enough and I know it. I don't care. And my attitude is warping my resolve. "It's the Holidays" I keep telling myself. I will start again- STRICT like I was- after the holidays.