Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I just got home from Walgreen's, where I was parked in the candy aisle for 10 minutes trying to figure out which candy I should buy and sneak into my room.  It took another 10 minutes to walk away from that aisle empty handed (mainly because we just left dinner and I was with Ape who knows I don't eat sugar and also doesn't eat sugar herself, and she would've slapped me).  Originally I went to that aisle for gum and then noticed all of the candy.  Sweet candies like M&M's and Twix and Snicker's.  Swedish Fish and Gummy Bears and Lifesaver Gummies and Skittles.  Godiva and that nasty Ferrero Rocher (that is a completely sarcastic and cynical remark btw.  I KNOW that Ferrero Rocher is NOT nasty)

I've been weak lately my friends.  And I'm getting weaker by the day.  On Sunday, Maimee made Almond Rocha.  I sampled it.  I also sampled my friends coconut cake last night (um...does 5 bites still count as a sample or an actual piece of cake?  We'll go with sample).  Today I practically drank a boat of alfredo sauce at Olive Garden...with 3 breadsticks on the side for kicks and giggles (I know this isn't sugar necessarily but this just shows that my eating resolve is tumbling down the hill).  Dinner tonight was Thai food.

Tomorrow night is one of the bestie's birthday dinner.  Friday is the work Christmas Dinner/party.  Saturday is another party (surprise party for another bestie).  Sunday blurs into Monday...and the whole thing starts over next week again.  Meanwhile I'm craving sugar.  Meanwhile I'm not only craving sugar, I'm starting to "sample" things.  This 'sampling' of mine is turning into a daily thing now.  Just a sample, you know.  Small.  A bite.  One here.  One there.  One lick.  One taste.

I "sampled" a Ghirardelli peppermint bark square that Maimee has sitting out for our guests yesterday.  For no reason, other than I've walked by the bowl a million times in the last 2 weeks and then suddenly yesterday I decided to have one of them.  I just tore off the wrapping and ate it before anyone could say anything.  Maimee was in the middle of saying something and she just watched, and I stared back, defiantly.  I knew that she was processing what was happening; I could literally see her thoughts.  I didn't care; I almost dared her to ask me what I was doing.

I'm not sure what this means.

Where is the drive that I had once to not eat sugar?  Where is the need to abstain and prove to myself I can do this?  Why is it that I've read about 1 million articles on the horrific affects of sugar on the body, and yet I bring it to my lips with such sweet pleasure?  There is no hesitation whatsoever; no pause.  No waver.  Instead, there is a feeling of deep satisfaction that is almost deadly.  A sense of euphoria that I feel as I reel it to my gaping mouth.

I sat and explained to someone yesterday, in detail- 30 minutes of detail, how bad my mental addiction to sugar "used to be".  Hmmmmmm.  The worst part?  I don't feel bad.  There is no sense of remorse.  Until it starts to show on the scale or it starts to hurt my stomach (because I've eaten too much), I won't feel a tad bit bad.  I bring it to my lips willingly; lovingly; quickly and almost vehemently.

My Beloved (My precious?).  Where hast thou been? We've been having secret rendezvous.  Inappropriate, explicit, hot and bothered steamy secret rendezvous.  When can I see you again?  Where?  How long must I wait?  I'm consumed all over.  Burning hot desire ravaging through my taste buds and lips.  Constant thoughts sneaking my attention and stealing me away.

Luckily I've still been able to talk myself out of most of it.  I fear the worst though- a binge waits in the shadows; flirting on the outskirts of my consciousness.  Unfortunately- due to the friend's celebratory dinner tomorrow night, I will be missing yet another meeting of ARP.  Which means yet another weak week of instability and 'leaning on my own strength'.  I am so weak!  I cannot resist much longer, I'm serious.  Months of constant focus on abstinence is crumbling faster than a dry cookie.


I've tried.  I've tried to read my ARP book.  I've tried to recite the scriptures and quotes that once held so much power for me.  But the honest truth is I'm not trying hard enough and I know it.  I don't care.  And my attitude is warping my resolve.  "It's the Holidays"  I keep telling myself.  I will start again- STRICT like I was- after the holidays.



  1. Diz,

    I don't know how this happens. I go thru the same thing--as my blog posts verify. I am strong, conquering the food world kind of strong, without a mometns pause. Then, in the midst of my gratitude that I am victorious, BLAM! the slippage begins.

    I do NOT know what makes the strong moments strong or the weak moments weak.

    I know that when I read your comment on Josie's blog yesterday, I wondered if you were about to crash. Not because of you or that there was anything wrong with the comment (really, there wasn't), but because the minute I write or feel a comment like that, SPLAT.

    I do not believe it's pride. I didn't sense any pride in your comment or in your posts. You have been thrilled and grateful and pleased.

    If any of your commenters know what's up with this pattern, I sure hope they spill the answer. I, for one, need to know!

    Meantime, as long as we dont' give up--we're in this thing to win.


  2. First off- could this possibly be your hormones? You could adjust supplements accordingly to help. If you recognize it as purely your addiction taking over, first applaud yourself for recognizing it. Then make your plan. Can you hit the party after your meeting? Is there someone you can talk to if you can’t make the meeting? Holidays are tempting and stressful. But you’ve got this. Love ya Dizzy-I have full faith in you.

  3. Dizzy, i second Deb's comment: as long as we don't give up, we're in to win. so many times i read your blog and want to give you support, knowing i am doing or thinking the same thing you are, or worse.
    you know yourself. you know when you are not trying hard enough, and when you are. nobody can give you advice better than what your heart can. thank you for your support and thoughtful understanding. e-mail to follow soon, Lord willing.


  4. Dude, I am not judging you. Lord knows I have struggled like the very devil, the last couple of months. And my scale numbers showed it. I understand where you are coming from . Your struggles with sugar are my struggles with salty stuff. *sigh* No real help, I know.. Just commiserating.

    Walgreen's is an evil, evil place. That place is candy central. Heaps and isles and tables full of the stuff! Who knew there was that much damned candy in the world? I walk in there for nail polish and I can smell the candy. All the different varieties of Hershy's kisses. My usual Christmas candy binge. Godiva, Lindt, Toblerone... Gah!!!!!!

  5. Oh my gah! I told understand your struggle. I agree, it's crazy how one second you can be completely motivated and committed to reaching your goal or eating right and then the next those feelings start slipping away.

    When I am in my prime on doing well like I have been for the last few weeks I think "Jessica, there is no way you could go back to the old way. This is permanent I can tell this time." And then at some point that positivity goes away and you see yourself eating things here and there you wouldn't have a week before. Those heres and theres turn into several times a day and then you are back to square one!

    It's awful. I can feel myself getting discouraged that I've been busting ass trying to eat super healthy and low calorie and the weight loss stopped for me over a week ago. That makes me wanna go backwards because what's the point of keeping myself from the foods I love if I'm not making progress????

    We've gotta stay in the game! Somehow...

  6. I think it is normal for our enthusiasm to wane from time to time. This is one of the reasons I don't make anything off limits. I'd rather have a bit every now and again than face a binge or feel that I was failing. But I know this approach doesn't work for everyone.

    Sugar hits your blood stream and your energy spikes and a bit later it plummets. And then the cravings start because your body wants that energy again. You have to be ready for it or chose to never go there.

    I think missing your meetings is probably a big reason why you're struggling. Is there another time you can attend? Are the meetings on-line at all? Maybe you can go to an Overeaters Anonymous or even an AA meeting instead. Addiction is addiction, after all.