I just wrote an email to a friend, and I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring something out- so yes, I'm writing post #2 today to see if maybe I can figure myself out.
I am scared. Of what- I'm not sure. But when I start thinking about my life- and realizing that I might be going to grad school soon, or even attempting to do this- I freak out. It's not school that freaks me out. It's letting go of my perceptions of my life and what I thought I should be doing by now- and trusting God that makes me scared.
The thing is- I don't know why I'm so scared to trust him or to move forward with my life. He has never let me down. He has always been there to help and support me. I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought I would be able to in my life- thanks to Him. So why am I scared?
I just wrote to my friend- that I feel like a child, hiding under the bed. Recently, the topic "wasting time" has come up in several conversations I've had. I look at my life and realize that I have carelessly thrown my life around and not worried about time; now suddenly, lately, it seems to be pounding at the door and I'm scared. I know I've wasted time. I know I've wasted a lot of it- and never cared really. I also know suddenly that I cannot continue to do this- I cannot pretend I should put off grad school for another year and travel to Europe- because I won't travel to Europe- I'll stay in my job and procrastinate doing it and procrastinate finding another one and procrastinate going to school. I'd procrastinate my trip to Europe too; I'd say I don't have the money. You think I'm kidding- but I'm not- this is how I keep myself safe.
Why am I so afraid to move forward? I really want to do something in communications; I feel more right about that than I have anything else in a long time. It's a natural fit for me. So why am I scared to start taking the steps to make communications a reality for me?
I want to cry right now just thinking about all of this. The tears are threatening as I type this out- and the part I find most odd- is that I cannot verbalize to you why. If I wasn't more "aware" right now- I'd get off this chair and go binge. I feel it in my body- my body wants me to go eat right now. I'm fighting it; I'm staying in this chair and staying on this page- and staying in this mind set. If I want to go to grad school, and if I want to succeed- I need to face my fears and squash them so I can move on. Plus I've had enough to eat today; I know logically I'm not hungry.
I feel like a freak. Who gets scared like this? For no reason? And what the hell am I so scared of?
Okay- back to work. TTYL..hopefully something comes to me soon.