Friday, December 31, 2010


1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?

Considering my last post was my public New Year's Resolutions list- I think it's safe to say that YES, I make NYR!!!!  And I love doing it.  I usually check in around June to see how my progress is going and what I need to do to step it up; I'll check in sometimes around October too so I can "finish the year strong" and crap like that.  Now that I make more realistic goals, I feel like I meet them about 75% of the time.  And I enjoy my goals; I don't make ones that I'm going to dread (except grad school).

2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?

Ugh I'd have to say that Kesha chick.  Her songs are so annoying.  Seriously?  Can I be a rockstar too?  Because apparently it takes NO talent these days to be a singer. 

3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?

Green Lantern.  Why?  Because in the movie that's coming out soon- it's Ryan Reynolds and let's face it- he's only one of the hottest men on the planet. 

4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?

Cook.  All the way.  Who wants to cook if someone can do it for you?  And make healthy, lowfat meals that are delicious, while you sit and wait to be served?  COOK.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.

My life has been pure ease and bliss for the last week.  I'm relaxing at my mother's house (and have been here since last Friday) and we occasionally go out to do stuff, but mostly we relax.  We watch movies.  We go out to eat.  We go to the mall or go to the movies, or go see friends.  It's been super chill.  Be jealous. 

As far as Blogland- same.  Chill.  I get amazing comments from great friends and I try to make a few comments on blogs when something inspires me, but other than that- no drama.  Just chill.


Don't get too crazy tonight and don't drive if you can help it.



Thursday, December 30, 2010

You're a good year, 2011.

Last night I sat down and wrote out my goals for this coming year.  Turns out they are a lot simpler than I imagined...and they are do-able.  Totally do-able.  There is a goal from this year that has to roll over and I'm not excited about that one- just because part of me feels guilty I didn't get it done this year.

So here's what I have (these goals are totally subject to change, be deleted or added to, at any time- and most likely will be):

1) No Sugar.  Now- this one is kind of hard.  The first two are kind of hard.  But- I should mention- that I don't expect myself to make it the entire year- all 365 days, without it.  I just want to give it my best to see how far I can make it.  As you recall, I made it roughly 60 days without it- first attempt.  If I can at least make it 90 days, I will be satisfied.

2) No Soda.  Again- kind of hard for me.  Nothing is better than Vanilla Coke Zero and Diet Coke in my book.  But as with the first- the longer I can go; the better.  I KNOW I won't make it the whole year here- but if I can even make 1/3 of the year- than I will be satisfied.  That's 4 months.  I can shoot for 4 months.  4 months is TOTALLY do-able.

3)Apply to Grad School (and take the GRE, obviously).  Ugh.  This one is the most overwhelming one to me.  But I know it can be done, and I seem to be the most determined with this goal to at least get my applications in.

4) (Roll over from last year) Get out of Credit Card Debt.  Blech. I am still in about $3500.  I paid it down significantly thru May then bought a big flat screen tv and added $1200 back to the debt, and have been adding and subtracting since then.  In order to succeed- I'll need to put more than $300 a month towards this goal...again...scary but do-able for me, since that's how much I put towards this debt anyway a month. Yay.  I have a shopping problem- I've addmitted it before.  On to the next...

Last year I lost 12 pounds from this time last year to now.  I would like to keep on this journey and hopefully lose the last 10.  We will see though...I'm not really setting that as a goal.  More as a wish.  If it happens- great.  If it doesn't, that's fine too.  As long as I don't gain and I continue learning about myself and how to be healthier- that's all that really matters to me at this point right now.

Okay my friends- there you have it.  Goals for 2011.  Maybe their unreachable- but they at least keep me focused through the beginning of the year, when I need to focus the most.  :)



Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Bartender

I'm happy to report that the date with the ex from 7 years ago was quite pleasant.

I'll refer to him from now on as The Bartender- or TB for short.  I met him while I was a bartender too; years and years ago I started out as a cocktail waitress in a Harley motorcyle bar/club here in Tulsa.  I was 23 or 24 at the time and really had it going on- working in this bar.  The kinds of riders that came in there weren't like- gang "Hells Angels" types, they were doctors and lawyers; rich guys that bought bikes and rode them on the weekends for fun.  So because I was a cute young thing, the money was AWESOME.  All the girls were cocktail waitresses, and all the guys were bartenders, and I became really good friends with this guy that worked there (Jesse).  Anyway Jesse left that bar and went on to open one of the fanciest (in my opinion THE fanciest) seafood bar and grill joints in town.  We had all types of amazing foods that were higher priced than your average restaurant and a killer ambience.  The bar top was a deep, dark, thick cherry wood and there were huge plush booths on both sides of the bar with curtains (with fancy chandeliers everywhere).  Dark wood floors- BEAUTIFUL.  I left the Harley bar to go work as a bartender for Jesse because to me it was a huge step up from cocktail waitressing (even though the money was a little better at the Harley bar as you can imagine).  That's where I started working with TB.

TB decided early on that he wanted to get to know me- I wasn't really interested at first.  Eventually he won me over though because he was so fun and always made me laugh.  We had a blast together always.  TB and I immediately became the "it couple", and from the very beginning, everyone wanted to be around us.  Alone I tend to be shy and quiet, but with the right guy, I come out of my shell and become the woman I know I am deep down- witty and sharp, social, hilarious.  FUN.  COOL.  TB was the first boyfriend I've had that helped me realize this about myself.  We were always being invited to parties and to go on double dates with other couples.  People would bring us gifts in the bar; like, nice expensive gifts.  All the time, this guy receives gifts- it's not normal. 

I remember this one time we were in Vegas having an intense conversation in a lounge at the Mirage about where "we" were going (serious relationship talk) and these people would not stop coming up to us (mostly him- there is just something about this guy) and I was getting so annoyed.  It was not the time!  But he always handled it so well.  We were a good looking couple too- but mostly because TB is so handsome.  Dark brown hair and eyes, he had a great body from working out all the time (still does).  Girls FLOCK(ed) to him constantly; sometimes it would be unnerving, except he was never interested in anyone but me when we were together.  From the beginning he made it clear that he wanted to be around me and only me.  Girls would come and try to sit in his lap (I'm not making this up), and he would push them away and pull me closer.  I LOVED being this guy's girlfriend. 

When we worked the bar together, we were on fire.  Literally the bar would be so crowded sometimes that I would start to panic and then all the sudden I would feel his big hand squeeze my hand under the bar top while he was joking with a customer and I would be right back at it- cracking jokes too and winking at people.  Sometimes he would grab me in the cooler and we'd make out for 2 minutes, before going back out there.  It was so fun!  Our boss Jesse quickly caught on that we were the "it couple" and we started covering the bar Friday nights because we would rake it in.  It was about 10 months of fun, laughter, and overall bliss.

Needless to say- it didn't work out.  Of course I was in love with him and wanted it to work; about 10 months in he got scared and decided he wanted to date this random girl that he used to know in college.  I was heartbroken, but I let him go because I had been through this before and already knew what this meant (my previous boyfriend did this same thing but behind my back- which meant cheating and uncertainty and I just couldn't stomach going through that again.  It rocked my self esteem twice).  It was awkward and hard to work in the bar with him after that, especially Friday nights.  Luckily for me though I was just finishing up massage school and as soon as I graduated, I left the bar to got a job as a massage therapist in an acupuncture clinic. 

About 2 years later he called me while I was living in Salt Lake City to tell me he had made the biggest mistake of his life- letting me go.  He explained to me that it was so scary for him at the time because it wasn't what he had expected and it rocked him to his core.  He knew he was in love with me back then, he was just scared.  I thought it was sweet, everything he was saying, but I thank my lucky stars every night that that relationship, as much as it hurt, didn't work out.  And it was the best feeeling in the world to tell him that- thank you, that means a lot to me, but I've moved on.  I'm sorry.  I'm not coming back to Tulsa

When things fell apart with TB, I started going to church for the first time in 7 years because I was so depressed and literally felt like I had NOTHING.  I became reconverted to my religion and I have found a happiness and peace and joy in my life that I don't think that relationship or anything else could have ever brought me.  I finished college and became independent and started making more money; if we would've stayed together I don't think I ever would've done those things or found the happiness I have now.  TB and I still talk about once every six  months or so- he has since moved to Florida and is still single and I (obviously) live in So Cal now. 

Anyway, he called me to see if I was coming home for Christmas since he would be here too for the holidays.  He wanted to see me (and my mom, how nice is he?)- so he asked me to go out with him and catch up; maybe catch a movie and dinner or something.  Of course I said I would; it's been about 4 or 5 years since I've seen him.  Before he got to my house- I thought- TB...I was so in love with this guy once.  But I have NO feelings for him; part of me didn't even want to go really.  I mean, what's the point, right?  As soon as I opened the door though, I was so happy that I agreed to go.  He looked so good; he smelled so good.  We had a good time laughing and catching up and reminiscing about old times.  I was kind of surprised actually, because he really was a good catch and I have forgotten how wonderful he is and seeing him the other night reminded me of that.  He sent me the sweetest text the next morning just to say thank you for seeing him and he missed me and he hopes we can see each other again sometime soon.  He told me his work is transferring him back to Oklahoma, and even though he loves Florida and doesn't want to come back, the money is too good to pass up.  I know it's only a matter of time until this guy finds the perfect girl.

It makes me happy to know such good people.  I'm so thankful I dated TB at one point in my life.  I'm so thankful I'm single now and trying to go to grad school and that I have the opportunity to live in Southern CA and do the things I get to do.  I know experiences like that have brought me to where I am now, and will propel me into great things in the future.  I've since learned that every guy I date is better than the last guy.  And I've also learned that I don't need a guy to make me happy.  I would like to date someone, sure.  Finding someone to be your significant other is a genuine desire that I think all of us feel, and it can fill a place in your heart that nothing else can fill.  But I don't need someone to be happy or feel good about myself. 

So here's to 2011!  I hope it's the best year yet!!!  I hope I get into grad school, and get out of debt, and become more and more comfortable in my own skin.  What do you wish for?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Personal Journey

I don't know how long I have to write this post- because I'm waiting on my ex boyfriend from 7 years ago to come pick me up so we can go see a movie in town.  But more about that later.

I've been thinking a lot today about weight loss and the things that are happening to people in this country.  My mom and I were having an intense conversation about it today while we were driving to Whole Foods.  I have been asking since I got here on Friday to go to Whole Foods because I am obsessed with my eating habits and am only just now realizing it (I dense).  This weekend only confirmed to me that I have changed significantly in the last few months and don't know that I can ever go back to eating the way I did before.  I tried this weekend.  I felt like complete shit all weekend.  Too much sugar caused me to not only feel like complete crap, but I stayed up til 4 in the morning only to crash hard on the couch (never even made it to my bed).  I was up by 8 am the next day with a literal food hangover.  Then I repeated the cycle for two more days.  I ate carbs like a maniac.  I drank soda.  I did everything I've done before, my whole life, but don't do now.  I overate most meals and didn't work out at all.  I ate when I wasn't hungry.  You get the idea.  I was sick for 3 days straight.  My body literally felt horrible.  But that's not what I want to talk about- I'm getting side tracked.

So my mom is so wonderful.  She knew it was important to me to go to Whole Foods so today she took me over there.  We bought all the healthy foods that I know and love while I jabbered incessantly about how good they make me feel.  She listened quietly and would nod occassionally, checking the labels of things while I guided the cart over here and then back over there.  Then she paid for all of my food, which seriously touched me because I never expected her to do that, since she didn't need to go grocery shopping at all.  I fully expected and anticipated that I would buy this food, since I'm completely aware that this was me being a health freak/spoiled brat.  I had to have certain foods because looking on the back of labels of things she has in her fridge and seeing 'high fructose corn syrup' as the second ingredient only behind 'partially hydrogenated oil' was sending me into tizzy fits.  Anyway, I learned a lot from her today.  How important she made me feel that she would come with me because she knew it was important to me.  She could've just let me borrow the car.  How she listened.  She never said it was getting old.  The fact that she spent time with me- it all meant so much.  I seriously hope I can be half the mother she is when it is my turn to have babies.  But again, I'm getting sidetracked.  This is NOT my point either.

My point is the conversation we were having in the car.  What is happening in our country in this day and age- to people's bodies- is not normal.  Never in the history of the world has any other civilization of people suffered weight gain like we are suffering it.  It's not normal.   Other countries people are not suffering it like we are.  No one is suffering at the speed in which we are suffering it.  IT'S NOT NORMAL.  However, that is not what I'm trying to get at either.  I only share that because it brought us to this next point that my mom made, that really sunk deep in my heart.  She said to me, "Yeah but, the way people lose weight is deeply personal.  What works for one, may not work for another.  What makes one person feel happy, makes another person feel deprived.  People get defensive and downright practically refuse to lose weight if you try to make them.  You cannot make anyone lose weight.  You have to let them do it on their own.  And you have to have confidence that you will succeed, or you won't give it a real effort."  And you know what- I agree with her.  For some reason, it was profound to me.  What works for me, may not work for you.  And vice versa.  Is there anything more annoying than someone else telling you how to lose weight?  And if you don't believe that you can do this- are you really going to give it the honest effort it requires?  We are all different.  What we're doing is different.  What works is different.  It's personal.

I am aware that this is not a big revelation to anyone but me.  I realize you may be sitting there right now thinking: That's it?  Yes.  That's it.  I am not going to listen to anyone else but myself from now on.  I am not going to push my beliefs on anyone else either.  I am not going to 'tsk tsk' anyone ever again.  But let me remind you- what's happening in our country is not normal.  What is causing this massive obesity epidemic?  Could it be what we're eating??



Friday, December 24, 2010

They say it's my Birthday...


It's a good thing calories don't count on your birthday because let me tell you something...I consumed a LOT of them today! Yeah...3 pieces of pizza with garlic butter and some chocolate cake (and peanut butter balls, and peanut brittle and gingerbread snaps) later...I feel like I could not go back for one more bite even if I wanted to!  And my dad is making us breakfast tomorrow (GROAN).  Let the eating begin. ;)  My brother got a chocolate cake with buttercream frosting from someone at work and we ended up making that my birthday cake at the last minute (because, since I don't NORMALLY consume sugar anymore, they thought...what's the point of making a cake? So cute) and I have to say, it's not as good as I remember.  I know I know, enjoy it!  But I remember LOVING buttercream frosting (and choc cake is my absolute FAVORITE)- tonight it made me sick.  Not to mention it was just too sweet and too much- I wanted to have another piece of pizza to get rid of the sugary taste in my mouth. ? I'm changing! Since when has sugar EVER been too much for me?  Wow- that has never happened.  Did I mention we also did lunch after they (my fam) picked me up from the airport (italian) and I pigged out there too...can we say BIRTHDAY BLISS???

The other good news is that this morning, at 4 am, before I started getting ready to leave CA to come home and see my family, I weighed in.  138.2!  I finally broke the marker!  Can I tell you that it was the best birthday surprise I could have ever given myself?  I would like to thank all of you who gave me tips on my 2 day breakdown last post.  Thanks to you, I was able to have this little surprise on my birthday.  After reading everyone's thoughts and discussing on the phone with several friends, I decided that I wasn't eating enough and decided to eat a little more.  Next thing you know, up the calories and drop the #'s on the scale. NICE.  I don't think it's going to stay like that for long though...esp after tonight *chuckle*...

I am so happy to be home with my family.  I love them more than anything!  My nephew is so precious, he has 4 front teeth and walks now (13 mos) and he remembers me from my last trip home (Sept).  It really means a lot to me when this precious little angel smiles at me.  When he smiles BECAUSE of me.  It makes my heart soar.  Plus my family goes so far out of their way to make this day special for me and I am just so grateful that they are my family and they love me.  I truly feel the love today and it has been AWESOME.

So, it is Christmas Eve night.  I don't know when I will surface again to post- hopefully soon.  I really do have intentions of working out and still eating healthy while I'm home- despite today (it's my birthday people!).  I can say that I've honestly honestly tried to change my lifestyle over the last few months and I don't desire to just "let go" until the New Year.  This is me!  This is who I am now- or who I want to be. 

I am so excited to be here; I hope you have a Merry Merry Christmas too with your loved ones.  I hope you feel the joy and peace in your hearts that I feel right now being with my family.  I hope you and your family remember the reason for the season and give thanks to God for his miraculous Son and the gift he has given to all of us. 

I love you all-



Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Weight I will kill you.

Why do I want to eat everything in sight right now?

I got up and went to the gym this morning- only to stretch and come back home.  I didn't feel like doing cardio in the gym yet again.  I've been tempted to go to a yoga class today but I don't want to spend the money to take one class (they usually cost around $15/class around here and I've been contemplating it but haven't been able to pull the trigger FOR ONE CLASS).  It has been raining nonstop here in So Cal for (it seems like) weeks.  At least a week for sure.  Which means all workouts move indoors for me.  Which means I burn out quickly.  I can only do stairmaster for so long before I begin to hate it.

I've been eating on point- working out for an hour or more a day (cardio for an hour); doing everything I can to get ready to go home to Tulsa and see family and friends.  Drinking all my water, shaving all my hair off my body, applying fake tanner liberally, etc etc etc.  The scale and I are in a full blown war over things.  It does not want to budge and I'm mildly pissed at it over the whole thing.  Part of me just wants to give up.  I have loved that I've lost weight since kicking sugar- I have NOT loved that I've also plateaued and can't seem to keep losing.  I got down to 138.6 and have stayed here for about a month - a month and a half.  I'm basically eating fruits, veggies, protein (sometimes in the form of flesh, sometimes in the form of tofurkey or other protein).  I have whole grains for breakfast; that's about it.  I go to bed hungry every night.  I'm drinking boat loads of water.  WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO.

Come off stupid weight. COME OFF.

Don't get me wrong- I like the way I look. 138.6 doesn't look too shabby on me.  It would be cool to just cinch the rope a little tighter, that's all.  But my body is not cooperating and other than starving I'm at my wits end as to what to do about it. I'm journaling too: here's 2 excerpts from the last two days (from my journal)

1/2 cup oats
1 tspn quinoa
1 tspn flaxseed
2 tspns walnuts
yogurt butter


Salad with no cheese; dressing on side

Chili Lime flavored nuts

Grilled Tilapia with side of veggies (zucchini)

Water- all day
Work Out- 1 hour stairmaster
Supplements/Vitamins: Yes

1/2 cup oats
1 tspn quinoa
1 tspn flaxseed
yogurt butter


1/2 avocado sandwich with sprouts, tomatoes, and cucumbers (only 1/2 sand)
cup fruit

Chili Lime flavored Nuts from Trader Joe's

Tofurkey Dog
onions/bell peppers/green beans

Water- All Day
Workout- 1 hour stairmaster
Supplements/Vitamins- Yes

So what's the problem?  All of this work with no reward is sending me into a tizzy.  Okay- not really.  I really just wanted to complain for a few minutes.  Thanks for listening.

Have a great day friends- let's hope something happens today (as far as this weight thing goes)


Monday, December 20, 2010

Where's my toothpaste.

I have a lot going on in my brain this morning.  A LOT.

Grad school is becoming a harder and harder, further and further fantasy for me that seems to be just out of my reach.  I wish I would've decided 3 months ago to do this; all of the deadlines are right now and I still haven't taken the GRE or GMAT.  It looks like after all is said and done, I will probably have to wait another year to go.  I'm missing deadlines right and left and seem to be paralyzed with the inability to do anything about it.  But I don't want to wait another year- now that I know I want to do this- I want to go NOW.  I'm frustrated and overwhelmed.  Then there is still the looming question of what personal statements, costs, etc

Then there is Christmas and money.  Who to buy for, how much to spend, when to get what by; I can't open this can of stress right now.

2 things on a list of 10 that are swarming in my head.  I need to go to the gym.  I need to go shopping, not just for gifts, but for myself.  I need to make some visits for my job.  I need to get this all done before the BSM (boy scout master) calls me to go to a matinee this afternoon.  I need to do this and do that and do this and do that...

Remember how I told you that when I get stressed- ultimately I end up doing nothing?  Yeah, that's today.  I've been up since 6:30 and I've succeeded at brushing my teeth, checking my bank account, depositing a check into my bank account, reading a few good articles about feeling the spirit of the season, and eating breakfast.

Wow- time flies when you're having fun.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dirty Diet Coke.

Hi friends.

Remember that time I wrote about feeling awkward after I dropped a huge bomb?  I don't know what to say after I drop these bombs; writing, talking, whatever I'm doing- it feels awkward.  Today is one of those days.  I feel awkward.

Yes, I had a freak out yesterday and thought that my life was crashing down around me and I was falling back into old ways.  Today I woke up and decided I will NOT do that.  It is my choice, after all.  I don't always have to fall back into old ways.  This is the time to be different.

Yes, sometimes I am weak; we all are.  But I have worked for months to change myself and my habits.  Yes, sometimes I crave sugar.  Sometimes I sit and fantasize about eating sugar cookies and frosting and chocolate cake and whatever else I can get my greedy hands on.  Apparently sometimes I give in too.  Last night I wrote a post about it all- and I admitted every piece of sugar I've had.  Yes, I've been stronger in the past; but it's okay.  Today I am forgiving myself for all of it, and I am back to abstaining.  I am back to committing to myself; I can do this.

As I laid in bed last night thinking about the day and the cravings I had, I remembered something.  Yesterday while at Olive Garden, I had a Diet Coke.  I didn't realize it last night, but it totally makes sense- I was craving sugar last night because I had a DC.  I know about soda!  I know about aspartame!  I haven't had a soda in weeks.  I can't believe I forgot.

Today I feel hopeful again.  I am seriously considering not going to the dinner tonight with my friends.  I want to go to ARP.  I miss my meetings and the people there that love me and support me and are my friends.

This is the time to stay strong.  To not give in; to not fall back into old habits.  I can do this.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I just got home from Walgreen's, where I was parked in the candy aisle for 10 minutes trying to figure out which candy I should buy and sneak into my room.  It took another 10 minutes to walk away from that aisle empty handed (mainly because we just left dinner and I was with Ape who knows I don't eat sugar and also doesn't eat sugar herself, and she would've slapped me).  Originally I went to that aisle for gum and then noticed all of the candy.  Sweet candies like M&M's and Twix and Snicker's.  Swedish Fish and Gummy Bears and Lifesaver Gummies and Skittles.  Godiva and that nasty Ferrero Rocher (that is a completely sarcastic and cynical remark btw.  I KNOW that Ferrero Rocher is NOT nasty)

I've been weak lately my friends.  And I'm getting weaker by the day.  On Sunday, Maimee made Almond Rocha.  I sampled it.  I also sampled my friends coconut cake last night (um...does 5 bites still count as a sample or an actual piece of cake?  We'll go with sample).  Today I practically drank a boat of alfredo sauce at Olive Garden...with 3 breadsticks on the side for kicks and giggles (I know this isn't sugar necessarily but this just shows that my eating resolve is tumbling down the hill).  Dinner tonight was Thai food.

Tomorrow night is one of the bestie's birthday dinner.  Friday is the work Christmas Dinner/party.  Saturday is another party (surprise party for another bestie).  Sunday blurs into Monday...and the whole thing starts over next week again.  Meanwhile I'm craving sugar.  Meanwhile I'm not only craving sugar, I'm starting to "sample" things.  This 'sampling' of mine is turning into a daily thing now.  Just a sample, you know.  Small.  A bite.  One here.  One there.  One lick.  One taste.

I "sampled" a Ghirardelli peppermint bark square that Maimee has sitting out for our guests yesterday.  For no reason, other than I've walked by the bowl a million times in the last 2 weeks and then suddenly yesterday I decided to have one of them.  I just tore off the wrapping and ate it before anyone could say anything.  Maimee was in the middle of saying something and she just watched, and I stared back, defiantly.  I knew that she was processing what was happening; I could literally see her thoughts.  I didn't care; I almost dared her to ask me what I was doing.

I'm not sure what this means.

Where is the drive that I had once to not eat sugar?  Where is the need to abstain and prove to myself I can do this?  Why is it that I've read about 1 million articles on the horrific affects of sugar on the body, and yet I bring it to my lips with such sweet pleasure?  There is no hesitation whatsoever; no pause.  No waver.  Instead, there is a feeling of deep satisfaction that is almost deadly.  A sense of euphoria that I feel as I reel it to my gaping mouth.

I sat and explained to someone yesterday, in detail- 30 minutes of detail, how bad my mental addiction to sugar "used to be".  Hmmmmmm.  The worst part?  I don't feel bad.  There is no sense of remorse.  Until it starts to show on the scale or it starts to hurt my stomach (because I've eaten too much), I won't feel a tad bit bad.  I bring it to my lips willingly; lovingly; quickly and almost vehemently.

My Beloved (My precious?).  Where hast thou been? We've been having secret rendezvous.  Inappropriate, explicit, hot and bothered steamy secret rendezvous.  When can I see you again?  Where?  How long must I wait?  I'm consumed all over.  Burning hot desire ravaging through my taste buds and lips.  Constant thoughts sneaking my attention and stealing me away.

Luckily I've still been able to talk myself out of most of it.  I fear the worst though- a binge waits in the shadows; flirting on the outskirts of my consciousness.  Unfortunately- due to the friend's celebratory dinner tomorrow night, I will be missing yet another meeting of ARP.  Which means yet another weak week of instability and 'leaning on my own strength'.  I am so weak!  I cannot resist much longer, I'm serious.  Months of constant focus on abstinence is crumbling faster than a dry cookie.


I've tried.  I've tried to read my ARP book.  I've tried to recite the scriptures and quotes that once held so much power for me.  But the honest truth is I'm not trying hard enough and I know it.  I don't care.  And my attitude is warping my resolve.  "It's the Holidays"  I keep telling myself.  I will start again- STRICT like I was- after the holidays.


Friday, December 10, 2010

The Update.

In honor of Miss S....I am writing another post.  An update.  With Pics. :)

Where do I begin?  The night was nice...not what I was expecting, but it turned out very nice in the end to me.  Last night was a dose of reality; instead of being whisked away to a magical Christmas party, I found out what it's really like to be with someone of "stature".  37 is the CEO of his company.  That means we had to leave early to be the first ones there, we had to stay late and be the last ones there, and do a LOT of work in between.

When I got to 37's place (he's my neighbor- so I literally walked next door), he was whirling around his apartment like a tornado.  First of all, I was 20 minutes late; I wasn't watching the time and it went by faster than I thought it would.  But before I could even apologize, I realized that he was so swamped with things that it didn't even matter- we weren't leaving quite yet.  His phone was blowing up and he had to keep answering it.  His tie was around his neck (not tied, just hanging there), his shirt half unbuttoned still, and he was sweating on his forehead a little.  He had cookies in the kitchen he was trying to bag- one by one in these little plastic see thru baggies.  The fans were all on- all the windows were open (it was freezing- did I mention that?), all his lights were on, and he wasn't done getting dressed.  Immediately I asked him what I could do to help.  "You know how to make those twirly ribbons with scissors?"  He asked as he rushed by me to grab his shoes.  "Yes, of course I know how to do that" I said.  "Can you make those on these bags of cookies for me?"  So I tied all the baggies and used the scissors to curl the ribbon.  There were only like...100 bags.  About half way through, we had to move it to the car because his phone kept blowing up and we now had to go to the local grocer to pick up 10 poinsetta's for the table centerpieces since there weren't enough original centerpieces from Ikea.  I sat in the truck curling ribbon while he ran into the store and got the poinsetta's.  When he hopped back in the truck, he realized his tie still was still hanging around his neck.

When we got there, he went into whirlwind mode again and I went to park the truck.  Once I was inside he put his hand on the small of my back and started introducing me to his employees.  One by one I met each employee, smiled huge and shook their hands, met their spouses and children, shook their hands too, and made small talk.  I smiled and cupped their hands in mine; I remembered names.  I don't know how I did it- but I remembered at least 30 names last night (I'm a ROCKSTAR!!)  I talked to the mothers about their children's play groups and talked to husbands out their wives jobs working for 37.  I talked about beauty school and what I do.  I answered questions about how 37 and I met, while he was off meeting more family members and making sure the DJ knew what music to play. (Have I ever mentioned that I have social anxiety?  That's why this was such a big deal for me- 37 was NOT there holding my hand- he was busy.  I was being a big girl and talking to people all by myself)  I didn't even see him again until we sat down for dinner.

Overall, I would say I spent about 80% of the dinner without him too.  He came and ate as quickly as he could, apologizing the whole time and telling me he'd make it up to me (because he thought the food was horrific and he was embarrassed), and then he was off again to make the announcements, reward his employees with Christmas gifts, do the raffle, introduce the new employee uniforms, etc etc etc.  Meanwhile I dutifully watched over his planner and his cell phone and clapped politely from our table with some of his staff I didn't know.

When the dinner was coming to a close, he finally came and grabbed me.  "Are you ready to go?  Are you tired?  You're tired.  You're ready to go. " he was looking at the dance floor, but he was backing towards the exit.  I wanted so badly to leave, but I knew he didn't.  There were about 20 people on the dance floor and the DJ was playing something crazy.  "37, it's your party.  What do you want to do?"  He looked at the dance floor again.  "Let's DANCE!"

We danced.  We danced and danced and danced with his staff until the crappy DJ cleared the dance floor with some hard core rap that no one knew how to dance to.  He was having so much fun on the dance floor.

When we got into the truck, he turned to me.  "Diz, you don't know how much it meant to me tonight- all of your help.  I know it was a crappy night; you thought you would be coming here for a nice night and instead I bombard you with work and then leave you with awful food.  I'm so sorry.  You were wonderful. How can I ever show you how wonderful you are?  I don't know if I can repay what you did for me tonight.  Should we go get dessert?"  I looked at the clock; it was 11 pm.  "Sure" (we're both sugar free- so I knew whatever we chose would be something I could have).

So we drove.  We went to 3 different places before we finally gave up and ended up at the grocery store- getting a half gallon of sugar free ice cream (Dreyer's Slow Churned Sugar Free Fudge Tracks with Splenda. HEAVEN!).  We went back to his place, curled up on the couch, and talked and talked for another hour or so while we spooned our ice cream out of the tub.  Luckily since I live next door, I was able to run home and put on sweats. :)

I don't know how or why, but that last hour seriously made up for the whole night to me.  Maybe because it was my personal time with him- he wasn't the CEO anymore.  I was the one that got to cuddle up with him on the couch and talk about politics and Nepal and his family.  He was interested in what I had to say; he kept touching me and asking me questions about what I thought.  The next thing I know- it was like the floodgates were opened; I was telling him what I thought about everything and everyone.  He would laugh at my jokes and ask more questions as he scooped his ice cream.  For some reason- it was seriously one of the best moments I've had in MONTHS with a guy.  I don't know how to describe that time- I just really felt like we connected.  I helped him get everything done and wasn't needy at the party; and in turn, he was able to pay attention to just me once we were home.  And I mean- really pay attention to me and laugh with me.

Around 12:45, I noticed that he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open; he was exhausted, so I told him I was going home.  Even though I live next door- he insisted on walking me to my door.  For the 100th time, he thanked me for making his night so wonderful and for helping him.  I told him, for the 101st time, that it wasn't a big deal.  He stopped in  front of my door and turned to me and looked me square in the face.  "It was though Diz.  It was a big deal to me."  And then he hugged me (NO KISS! WHAT???); a nice warm, long hug.  I came in the house ecstatic, before I crashed into my own bed, exhausted myself.




BYOC from Drazil's Blog...with my own answers (of course):  (And sorry about the highlights- I couldn't get them to turn off. :( )

1. Why do men do that? Why do men do anything retarded?  These are the kinds of questions my mother taught me not to ask- because they don't get answered and we'll just get frustrated.  I can't even open this can, because there are so many things they do that I just don't get...

2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight?  Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? Don't know; don't care.  My friends took some pictures with him though once, his pose alone was pretty awesome.

3. What’s your favorite Cmas song? Oh Holy Night

4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie? Favorite would probably have to be: Home Alone.  Or Christmas Vacation.  Least Favorite:  Deck the Halls with Matthew Broderick.  Are you serious?  Someone actually paid to have this movie made...

5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He’s convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I’ve heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he’s applying for are not even in the financial industry?  They are not checking his credit or he'd know, he has to sign a waiver- and even if they were going to check his credit- they wouldn't do it until they were pretty sure they were going to hire him.  It costs upwards of like, $20 to do a background check on someone- so no company is going to run a check on someone after a first interview; it wouldn't make sense to do that.  It's too expensive.  Plus he'd have to sign something saying that he is allowing them to check it, so he would know if they were going to run one on him.  He might need to brush up on his interview skills, if he's not getting call backs.  :(

XO my friends!  Have a great weekend!!!


Wednesday, December 8, 2010



I found and bought this one today- but now that I've tried it on and taken pictures at home for you- I feel like it's just "Meh".  Should I keep looking?  This one was fairly reasonable in price and I liked the neckline at the store, plus my hips look way smaller in this one.  My arms are looking not great though, part of the problem could be the should pads.  Yes, it's black.  I found and tried on 2 red dresses but the material was so thin on one that you could see my underwear line, and the 2nd one wasn't a good red- it was tomatoey/orange ish and didn't look good with my skin tone.  NO thank you!

I will be hunting for shoes and jewels tomorrow. Should I keep looking at dresses?  This one has shoulder pads and I feel like it's making the top of me look I feel like it's kind of blah/boring.  Def not "Wow" factor to me-  it was a last minute purchase but could be great in the future if I have an emergency.

Thank you guys for your help.  If you are trying to help me- BE HONEST!  I'd rather try to fix it now while I still have time- if you think I should keep looking (maybe for red?)

I am happy to report that this dress is a size 6- down from a size 8 (that I normally wear).  I'm still not thrilled with myself- but things are getting smaller!  Took some measurements just to be sure and yah- things are on their way down. :)

I tried to get the neckline/rouching in this one for you guys- but it's hard to see.

What say ye?


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

37 freak outs..

Last night I ran into 37...remember him?  My neighbor that I'm semi (and probably will always be semi) interested in.  He's just so cute!  But he is always busy.  He is the CEO of one company, and has 2 nonprofits that he's in charge of as well.  Remember last time I told you about him- he was going to Nepal to help build a school or something for homeless children (or something)?  Yeah- that's 37.  Always on the go.  I haven't even seen him except once during my 43 days of complete abstinence from sugar (pre-Thanksgiving.  It's now been 54 days.  I mention this because he has gone without sugar for over 2 years, and I was excited to tell him that I became sugar free too- but I never saw him).  We went to dinner once last week, but I haven't seen him or his truck since then.  Until last night.

Last night my church had a Christmas dinner party for the single's at Mario's- a gnasty little Mexican spot in a little rundown shopping center down the street.  It's tradition- we go to Mario's every year.  I wish someone would do away with that tradition and pick a better restaurant, but anyway- I digress.  37 texted me to see if I was going.  I told him I was thinking about it- and asked if he was going.  He said he was- so we agreed to meet up there.  When I got there- he was no where to be found, so I found a little spot at one of the corner tables and started chatting with someone.  An hour later, 37 still was not there.  I figured he was busy with work or something and forgot about it.  Well, he showed up about 5 minutes after that and had to sit on the other side of the room because my table was full.

He waved.  I waved back.  After the gift exchange, he was still watching me (which I found odd, because usually he is surrounded by the single women and of course he's always focused on them).  I gave my hugs to all of the appropriate people and when I looked up- he was still watching me.  Weirdo. :)  J/k.  So I went up to say hi and tell him that I was going home, and I'd see him at home.  He asked me to wait- he had something he wanted to talk to me about (of course a single girl came up just then).  Um...okayyy...

After another 10 minutes of listening to this other guy show me his finger flashlight- I turned to 37 again. "I'm gonna go," I whispered as I touched his arm.  "Wait!"  He turned towards me.  "'s Maimee?" (my roommate).  "Um...she's good."  I said, startled.  Maimee?  Really?
     "Um..what are you doing Thursday?"  He asked.  I started trying to think fast.  Thursday night is ARP.  I don't want to tell 37 about ARP.  I also don't want to miss ARP- it's one of the highlights of my week.  What was he getting to?  I was trying to debate between calling ARP a class or a meeting when he could see that I was stalling unintentionally.  I realized I had to say something soon because the seconds were ticking by and it looked like I was trying to make up something, which I wasn't.  "I have a meeting" I finally blurted out.  "Oh.  Okay."
     "Why?  What are you doing?"  I asked him.  "Um...I have a work Christmas party..."


"Silly!  Why didn't you just say so!  I'd love to go.  I can cancel my meeting- seriously- not a big deal."
"Really?  Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Okay it's semi-formal at this hotel in Newport...." the rest I didn't hear.  Semi-formal?  It's MONDAY..and you're just now telling me this????  I need a dress! Crap!

So now I'm on the hunt for a dress.  I have 2 black dresses that may work (ps, I hate both and will only wear either if absolutely necessary.  They are OLD and TIRED.  I need something new.)  I am posting 2 pictures- you will need to tell me which one to wear PLEASE, in the event I can't find something else.

Draz- I need your formulas for 3.5 pounds down- STAT! :)

Okay...which one?  I like the first one better, but it seems to be hugging me in a weird way.  It always makes my hips look and feel huge.  The second one I feel is a little too blah for a semi-formal cocktail party.  Thoughts?

I'm excited- Christmas party with 37!!

- D

Monday, December 6, 2010

I am so scared.

I just wrote an email to a friend, and I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring something out- so yes, I'm writing post #2 today to see if maybe I can figure myself out.

I am scared.  Of what- I'm not sure.  But when I start thinking about my life- and realizing that I might be going to grad school soon, or even attempting to do this- I freak out.  It's not school that freaks me out.  It's letting go of my perceptions of my life and what I thought I should be doing by now- and trusting God that makes me scared.

The thing is- I don't know why I'm so scared to trust him or to move forward with my life.  He has never let me down.  He has always been there to help and support me.  I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought I would be able to in my life- thanks to Him.  So why am I scared?

I just wrote to my friend- that I feel like a child, hiding under the bed.  Recently, the topic "wasting time" has come up in several conversations I've had.  I look at my life and realize that I have carelessly thrown my life around and not worried about time; now suddenly, lately, it seems to be pounding at the door and I'm scared.  I know I've wasted time.  I know I've wasted a lot of it- and never cared really.  I also know suddenly that I cannot continue to do this- I cannot pretend I should put off grad school for another year and travel to Europe- because I won't travel to Europe- I'll stay in my job and procrastinate doing it and procrastinate finding another one and procrastinate going to school.  I'd procrastinate my trip to Europe too; I'd say I don't have the money.  You think I'm kidding- but I'm not- this is how I keep myself safe.

Why am I so afraid to move forward?  I really want to do something in communications; I feel more right about that than I have anything else in a long time.  It's a natural fit for me.  So why am I scared to start taking the steps to make communications a reality for me?

I want to cry right now just thinking about all of this.  The tears are threatening as I type this out- and the part I find most odd- is that I cannot verbalize to you why.  If I wasn't more "aware" right now- I'd get off this chair and go binge.  I feel it in my body- my body wants me to go eat right now.  I'm fighting it; I'm staying in this chair and staying on this page- and staying in this mind set.  If I want to go to grad school, and if I want to succeed- I need to face my fears and squash them so I can move on.  Plus I've had enough to eat today; I know logically I'm not hungry.

I feel like a freak.  Who gets scared like this?  For no reason?  And what the hell am I so scared of?


Okay- back to work.  TTYL..hopefully something comes to me soon.



No Puff Please.

Holy crap.

Holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap.

I just signed up to take the GRE.  What is happening.  The world as we know it (or as I know it anyway) is coming to an end.

My mind feels like it's on crack; a million things are running through it all at the same time.  How much money do I need?  I need to pay off my credit cards.  What kind of score will I get on the GRE?  Will I be able to get into a program that I want?  What if I don't get in?  Can I keep the job I have now?  What if I lose said job while I'm in school?  What will I do?  I wonder how much I'll have to pay for this GRE course.  Do I need to find a cheaper place to rent?  Will I be able to find a job after school that is decent?  What will I do if my roommate gets married while I'm in school?  How much did I eat yesterday?  My TOM is causing me to bleed like a stuck pig.  Is this really the program I want to study?  What about my thesis?  Thesis's sound like a nightmare.  What will I do mine on?  Will it be hard?  What do I need to do today for work?  Can I make the dinner group tonight?  I've got to pay my bills.  I'm now trying to get into a completely different program, what will my family say?  Have I taken enough time to think about this?  Will I make the Feb 1 deadline?  When can I go to the gym today- do I have time?  The boys that came over last night were so cute!  Will I be able to date while I'm in school? How will I pay for a parking permit if I don't have a job?  Will I have a job while I'm in school?  How will that work? Ha.  I'm INSANE.

This weekend wasn't my best; I was bloated from TOM and feeling sorry for myself.  Which equals binging on whatever I wanted (no sugar).  I had 4 rolls at dinner last night, with 2 bowls of hearty beef stew my roommate made.  Is that normal?  I think, considering even the boys that came over for dinner didn't pound rolls like I did, that it's not normal.  Of course it's not normal.  Today I'm up 3 pounds and pissed about it.  Sigh...Food.  The Bane of my existence.

I've also been thinking about weighing myself less.  GASP.  I know.  But I weigh everyday- what if I switched it up and only weighed once a week?  I just weigh so often; I'm completely addicted to and obsessed with the scale.  Got to move on.  I want to enjoy my holidays.

My face looks like it got pummeled by bees.  So swollen and tired looking- I look like I'm 105 years old minus the wrinkles of someone that age.  Why must my face puff up sometimes?  Sigh.  I went to this REJUV event yesterday for work- and of course- all of the dermatologists and plastic surgeons in the area promote at events like this.  They promote all of their services; I was finding out about all of the latest technologies.  From new non-invasive fat flushing techniques (that of course I want) to the latest collagen building techniques (more stuff I want)- I'm now convinced that I need BOTOX and JUVEDERM and new skin and a new face all together.  Maybe a newer, smaller body too, please.  Can someone please just give me a new face?  I'll pay you half for it- I'm kind of broke at the moment.  I want a really nice one though, so feel free to find a really, really beautiful/wrinkle free/flawless one.

I did get a cool treatment on my hands which made them look about 5-6 years younger.  Not that I was super concerned about my hands before- but it was still nice and they look great.  In fact, I can't stop staring at them as I type this out. ;)

Friends I hope you hall have a beautiful day- I have a lot to get done today.  Esp since I'm about to be a grad student soon!!!! :)



Friday, December 3, 2010

Tom in December...

TOM is here.  Normally I would say blech- but I've noticed since cutting sugar- I have barely any symptoms anymore.  A little tenderness in the breasts (such a creeper word!)...but other than that- I can't tell it's that time- which I like.  No cramps, no bloating...well- a little bloating, but not much.  Maybe I'm just having a good month.

I've been 50 days without sugar (51 days since I started- I don't count Thanksgiving).  Or you can look at it as- I went 43 days, had a little sugar on Thanksgiving, and now it's been another 7 days since.  Either way, it amazes me to think that it's been almost two months.  I can't believe I've come so far; I'm so proud of myself.  Once the habit is finally broken- it gets so much easier.  I hope I never go back; I was walking around the grocery store yesterday thinking..."Wow...look at me.  Shopping at Mother's.  It's a health food store!  Since when did I become all healthy?  Since when did I eat quinoa and butternut squash and salads with almonds and blue cheese and raspberries?  Since when did I begin to love these foods and eat so simply and wholesome?  Since when did these foods begin to taste so delicious and flavorful?  Where did the dread go?  Where did the forcing myself to eat healthy go?  Where did the cravings for crap, including restaurant food go?  Since when did I go 49 days (and counting) without sugar and not even think about it?"  I feel better than I have in a long time.  No aches.  No pains in my body.  I'm hovering around 138 pounds right now and slimming down further.  No self loathing.  I have hope that I will lose more by Christmas.  I am not angry at my body or myself.  I am not disappointed.  I am berating myself under my breath and staying in my room because I don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone because I'm pissed.

I still have a hard time making myself go to the gym though. :)  I've been going everyday for the last 2 weeks, except Sunday.  Today, I'm still putting it off- it's now 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I haven't showered yet (because I haven't worked out yet), and I'm still doing everything else except go.  I will go when I'm done with this post.  As another blogger always says- I will not excuse myself today.

When I get back from Christmas- I am going to swallow my pride, go out there, and find another job.  A part time job- to help me make a little more money every month so I can get my friggin credit card debt paid off.  I want it gone- it's the next major tackle in my life.  Because I am an addict- I tend to shop; alot.  It's another addiction of mine.  Even though I don't have much debt- I can't seem to get rid of it because every time I start to pay it down, I also start swiping the cards again.  I have taken them out of my wallet.  It's not like I spend a lot- but I am on such a tight budget right now that if anyone wants to go to lunch or go out to dinner or go to a movie- I have to either put it on the card or take cash out of savings so that I can afford to go (which means I can't afford to go).  Sometimes I'll stay strong- other times I get rebellious and start moaning about how I never get to do anything and then I just start spending everything I have.  But as one of my addictions- I have to get this under control.  I have to start acknowledging I have a problem so I can resolve it. 

Saving money is so hard for me.  I don't want to save money- why would I want to do that?  I hate it!  Of course it's nice when I have more money in my savings- it means I get to buy bigger items.    

It sucks- I literally have 6 dollars in my checking account right now and don't get paid until Monday.  My car is almost on E.  Several of my friends invited me to dinner and a movie tonight- and I'm still not sure I'm going to say no.  I hate always saying no and especially on the weekends.  I get bored sitting at home while everyone else is out!  It makes me feel like I grounded myself.  No thank you!  So when I get home from Christmas- I am going to suck it up and find a little part timer to give me a little more money. :)

Have a good weekend my friends! xoxoxo!


"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed" James 5:16

Well, I went back to ARP tonight, for the first time in 2 weeks.

I'm so glad I did.  I need that program.  I am an addict that needs to overcome my addiction.

Tonight's meeting was especially packed; I was nervous because I never prepare a head of time what I'm going to 'share' when it's my turn to share; I want to be completely honest.  I'm on step 5- I took the Thanksgiving week off and didn't do any of my bookwork.  Step 5 is Confession.

It's funny, because when I first saw step 5 a few weeks ago- I thought it didn't apply to me.  What did I have to confess?  That I like sugar?  Addictions in my meeting range from self mutilation to alcoholism to sex addiction.  Sugar seems trivial on the scale sometimes, even to me.  I know that sugar is not a trivial addiction, but sometimes you can't help but feel it when, all the sugar addicts in the room are women.  And all 3 break down in tears almost every time it's their turn to share.  And all the 'tough' addictions never seem to cry.

Confession. It's not like I did something horrible- I didn't rob anyone or kill anyone for some sugar (although there were times I wanted to).  But after reading over the message again tonight- I realized that I was so blinded the first time I read it over.  Step 5 says so many wonderful things that pertain to me being an addict.

It starts out talking about how- when you're an addict, there are so many times when you feel like you don't fit in.  It talks about the isolation we feel; maybe not physical isolation, but emotional isolation (a lot of times it's physical too though- we purposely keep people away).  We isolate ourselves because we don't want people to know what we "really do", or who we "really are".  We're ashamed, or embarrassed, or heartbroken by our behaviors...and those feelings make us feel vulnerable.  But then, as we finish step 4, we begin to "throw off the shackles of our isolation" and secrets, because we begin being honest (step 4 was the inventory step).  We start being honest with God, and then with ourselves.  Step 5 is about being honest with another human being about the nature of our wrongs.

Here's the quote that really hit me:  "We started to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions (self-will, fear, pride, self-pity, jealousy, self-righteousness, anger, resentment, unbridled passions and desires, and so on)."  It may not seem like a big "realization" sentence- "we started to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions"...but for me it rang so true.  If there was ever a truer statement- this was it.  I have lived my LIFE tending towards negativity and doubt.

Step 5 goes on to explain seeking forgiveness, and then finally letting peace come into your life.  Another line I like, "They are always confessing but never finding peace"... I feel like this has been me a few times in the past.  I do need to take Step 5, and I've already begun.  I sent an email to a friend/bloggy buddy this morning- confessing some things that I've done recently.  She knows who she is.  I've also talked to my mom (although you're not supposed to talk to your family members about your 'wrongs').  I feel honest tonight.  Hopeful.  And as always, strengthened.

The best part of the night?  At the end, when I was leaving- someone leaned over to the meeting leader and said (pointing to me)..."she's on a good path." The leader nodded and said- "she IS on a good path."  :)  Made my night!


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Healthy Stuff

Okay- today I got a grip and I'm back on the wagon.  I decided last night I wasn't going to allow myself to slip anymore.  I got 30 days; and I'm NOT letting these last few days of the year get me down!  I'm going to finish strong strong STRONG!

This morning I got up and had my "More healthy than healthy" breakfast shake.  It goes like this:
  •  1 to 2 scoops vanilla whey protein (I don't eat meat often and need to get about 50 grams a day to make up for it.  I know that whey protein is still animal protein, but it's not meat, and that's good enough for me :P )
  •  big spoonful flaxseeds
  •  1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk (no sugar); 1/2 cup water
  •  1/2 red bell pepper (I recommend getting an orange or yellow bell pepper if you can, for variety)
  •  lots of kale
  •  few pieces of celery, chopped up
  •  few pieces of cucumber, chopped up
  • 2+ spoonfuls pomegranate seeds (masks taste of veggies)
  • 2 or 3 strawberries for extra sweetness and flavoring (strawberry + vanilla whey = heaven)
Blend and drink!

It's not as nasty as it sounds- it's super healthy, and it fills me up.  In there are 4 veggies, healthy fats, and protein!  I like it.  If you don't, sorry. :)  I also have a really yummy healthy one with chocolate whey protein powder too- it's even heavenly-er.  It goes like this:
  • 1 to 2 scoops choc whey protein powder
  • 1/4 cup milk; 1/4 cup water
  • 1/4 cup oats
  • 1/2 banana
  • 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter

    This one is the SHIZZLE!!!  If you want to try something yummy and pretty healthy- try this one.  If you're not scared, try the other one.

    Anyway, so I had that- and then I went to the gym with one of my besties- Mick Dee.  We did cardio for an hour while we talked about grad school (she's currently in the program I want to be in).  Then I came home, cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom, and then took a shower and got ready for the day.  It was heaven.

    I am still in heaven.  I'm getting so much done today!  And the best part is I'm back and track and ready to conquer this day; month; and YEAR!  Who's with me???