Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Epic Fail.

So, as you know- I've had a lot going on this year.

Tried to get into Grad School- Failed.
Tried a new relationship with a new guy in WI- Failed.
Tried to get a new job- Failed.

And tonight, all I can think about is getting skinny.

Yes, the 6-8 pounds I've put on since Chicago is showing and I don't really want to see it anymore.  I'm in that weird place where you've begun hating your body but you're still too lazy to do much about it.  Yes, you work out, and working out definitely helps- but then you see some cake and you feel sorry for your fat ass so you indulge, which doesn't help.  That's kind of where I'm at.  I see cake- I indulge.  I am lazy and always in a hurry, so I eat out.  What are fruits and vegetables again?  I don't seem to want no.  So naturally, because I'm gaining- I'm becoming obsessed with getting thin again.  When I'm actually on track and being healthy- weight doesn't consume my every thought.  Right now- I'm not on that "healthy" track, so I sit around and think about all the unhealthy things I could do to drop weight quick.  Hmmm....

The thing I've realized lately though- is that I honestly don't think I have control over my weight.  When I obsessively try to lose- I don't.  When I just relax and do the small things- like...drink water instead of diet coke- I lose.  I can't relax at the moment though.  I cannot do it.  Too many things keep happening- too many large and stressful things.  All I do lately is jump from major life changing event to major life changing event...and stress...and eat.  And wear hoodies.  And freak out when I feel a breeze on my muffin top that is hanging out again.

And I've become anti-social.  I hate it.  I am a social creature normally.  How am I to meet men when I'm holed up in my house in a hoodie and sweatpants, eating cake and watching the Academy Awards and the Notebook over the weekend?  And being jealous of everyone else's skinniness?  I haven't seen most of my friends in weeks and I'm going to great lengths to avoid them all.  No one calls or texts me anymore; the only time my phone beeps anymore is when I get another 'words with friends' hit- which I'm obsessed with btw, and it's the only way I seem to communicate anymore.  I'm even jealous of people's blogs lately.  Yes, I said it.  I sit here and think- oh look, other people have fun things to talk about.  Whoop for them.

Okay- I didn't eat cake.  It was those damn Lofthouse cookies.   They are crack, don't fool yourself..

Something is seriously going on with me.  This morning I woke up because my co-worker was calling my was after 10 am.  What the hell!  I slept over 10 hours...I never do that.  Who does that?  And I was so tired I had to come home and take a nap.  I haven't been hungry since Saturday- but let me tell you- that hasn't stopped me from eating.  No siree- wouldn't want me to miss any food now.  What does all of this mean?  Am I sick?


Anyway- I'll stop now because I know I'm being super neg- and I'm sorry.  Just had to get it out somewhere. Hopefully the next major life changing event that happens (prob this month)- whatever it is- works out or who knows what's going to happen.  I might spontaneously combust.




  1. I am right there with you babe. Only I am hiding from my blog-how is that for mature? You are beautiful and fantastic. Get your ass back out there, your friends love you. Also, I can't live my single life vicariously through you if you're hiding in your apartment.

    Let's start over together-K? Love ya girl!!

  2. Hang in there, Diz. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. :)

  3. Hang in there! At least you're blogging. That's a good thing. Negative is okay. Some things have to be purged to be passed through.

  4. sometimes you have to fail until you win, and you're not the give-up type, Diz. the war isn't over. remember right around the holidays, not long ago, how hard you fought it? i remember. it was quite inspirational.


  5. First, the truth about how you're feeling is never negative. :)

    Second, Lots of battles occur on the way to the Promised Land. God's promised you good things, we just have to "possess" them.

    I assume you've made another email or phone contact with the employer. If not, do that. They see contact as evidence of a willingness to put forth effort for the job.

    You've probably alrerady done this, too, but if not--a thank you for the interview is always good.

    Praying for you.


  6. Oh. One more thing. You have NOT failed in your attempt to get into grad school. You will only fail, if you don't regroup and try again. Really.

    Take a course on the GRE--the first one is often a fail.

    Continue to research prgrams, their fit for you and your career goals, different schools once you're sure of what you want to do.

    Rewrite your letters. Think on the answers to those stupid questions they ask you. Right them out again.

    Keep at it. You willl get into grad school once your vision is clear and your preparation thorough--if you decide that it's something you want. I promise.


  7. We all have these times of bad choices and the hard work of getting back on track... It's like the road to health is lined in oil and banana peels, we try to get back on and slip off again and again... But please know that every good decision you make can lead to another good one... or a bad one to make up for being "Good"... A never ending cycle, but one day after alot of good decisions we will get to "Maintain" and that cake won't send us into a tailspin... anymore. Someday! Here's hoping.

  8. No no no - how does this happen? Why no on the job? What was the reason? Are they insane? No one could do that job better than you! Ugh. I hate that you are so sad...I want to come watch sappy movies and cook you chicken noodle soup and fix it all. Hang in there D. I love you.

  9. So sorry you're feeling this way. Let's call it a slump and get back on the horse. You're terrific and you just need a reminder.

  10. First I am going to give you a quote that I use ALWAYS! especially when I feel like failure had attached itself to myself like a hemorrhoid...."I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Sunshine you are a rising star and though it failed not it happens for a reason! Better things are going to come for you!