So, as you know- I've had a lot going on this year.
Tried to get into Grad School- Failed.
Tried a new relationship with a new guy in WI- Failed.
Tried to get a new job- Failed.
And tonight, all I can think about is getting skinny.
Yes, the 6-8 pounds I've put on since Chicago is showing and I don't really want to see it anymore. I'm in that weird place where you've begun hating your body but you're still too lazy to do much about it. Yes, you work out, and working out definitely helps- but then you see some cake and you feel sorry for your fat ass so you indulge, which doesn't help. That's kind of where I'm at. I see cake- I indulge. I am lazy and always in a hurry, so I eat out. What are fruits and vegetables again? I don't seem to want those...no no. So naturally, because I'm gaining- I'm becoming obsessed with getting thin again. When I'm actually on track and being healthy- weight doesn't consume my every thought. Right now- I'm not on that "healthy" track, so I sit around and think about all the unhealthy things I could do to drop weight quick. Hmmm....
The thing I've realized lately though- is that I honestly don't think I have control over my weight. When I obsessively try to lose- I don't. When I just relax and do the small things- like...drink water instead of diet coke- I lose. I can't relax at the moment though. I cannot do it. Too many things keep happening- too many large and stressful things. All I do lately is jump from major life changing event to major life changing event...and stress...and eat. And wear hoodies. And freak out when I feel a breeze on my muffin top that is hanging out again.
And I've become anti-social. I hate it. I am a social creature normally. How am I to meet men when I'm holed up in my house in a hoodie and sweatpants, eating cake and watching the Academy Awards and the Notebook over the weekend? And being jealous of everyone else's skinniness? I haven't seen most of my friends in weeks and I'm going to great lengths to avoid them all. No one calls or texts me anymore; the only time my phone beeps anymore is when I get another 'words with friends' hit- which I'm obsessed with btw, and it's the only way I seem to communicate anymore. I'm even jealous of people's blogs lately. Yes, I said it. I sit here and think- oh look, other people have fun things to talk about. Whoop for them.
Something is seriously going on with me. This morning I woke up because my co-worker was calling my phone...it was after 10 am. What the hell! I slept over 10 hours...I never do that. Who does that? And I was so tired I had to come home and take a nap. I haven't been hungry since Saturday- but let me tell you- that hasn't stopped me from eating. No siree- wouldn't want me to miss any food now. What does all of this mean? Am I sick?
Anyway- I'll stop now because I know I'm being super neg- and I'm sorry. Just had to get it out somewhere. Hopefully the next major life changing event that happens (prob this month)- whatever it is- works out or who knows what's going to happen. I might spontaneously combust.