Just another Monday.

For my birthday, my bestie Ky bought me an unlimited Yoga pass to the yoga studio she works at.  I am so excited- my free month starts tomorrow.  I will be doing yoga every day in the month of February and then also hope to include some running a few times a week as well.  YESSSSS!!

I haven't been losing or gaining at all in the month of January, which is good because I was super stressed and doing whatever felt right in the moment.  If that meant big sugar free frozen yogurt at 10 at night- I did it.  One thing I've realized over the last month is that watching what you eat doesn't have to be completely painful.  It doesn't mean torture and cutting everything out.  It means thinking about portions and thinking about what feels good for my body.  Not what 'tastes' good, but what feels good...there's a difference.  I'm still trying to adopt this principle because part of my problem is that I'm a huge taste person and if I don't like something- I won't eat it.  So trying to learn to change those habits is something that I've been working on.  Not to say I'm forcing myself to eat things I don't like, but sometimes what tastes good isn't necessarily good for you- so trying to re-wire my thinking so I can just be healthier is the key I'm working on right now..

I also tried to continue to work out as much as I could during this month just to help myself feel less stressed and somewhat in control.  I've started to remember why I like working out- it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel like I've accomplished something, it gets the negative energy out, and gets me feeling refreshed and young again.  Not that I feel old, but working out will definitely make you feel your body more, and I like being connected to my body like that.  Even though it can suck in the moment, afterwards I have NEVER regretted doing it.  So, I try to keep that in mind when I don't want to go...

Other than that- nothing is new.  I started looking for a new job since I now won't be going to grad school.  My job is a good job but now that I don't need to focus on other things, I can devote more time to it.  I want to do something that makes me feel productive, accomplished, and gives me opportunities to grow.  This position doesn't do that.  So once again I'm on the hunt.  For those of you who have followed my blog for awhile, you know that this is something that always comes and goes for me.  It's not something I enjoy at all...but I just keep hoping that if I can eventually find something that gives me what i'm looking for, I will be much happier.  And I believe if I keep looking, I'm more likely to find it than if I just hunker down and do my job and wish something would just fall into my lap.  So yeah, on the prowl again.

Chicago is this weekend and I'm getting more nervous by the day.  It doesn't help that there is a huge storm a brewing.  I better not get stuck there or all hell will break loose; I'm not kidding.  As excited as I am to go to a new city and do new things, I do NOT want to feel trapped or stuck.  I don't think I will, but part of me is just nervous.  I guess I'm more of a control freak than I realize.  There have been several issues that have come to light in regards to my personality and relationships that I haven't been aware of before this experience, so the good news is I'm still learning about myself and my needs and my desires to take care of someone else.  I feel like I'm sounding very evasive and elusive so I'll stop now.

I love you all- thank you for all the kind words and encouragement!!

xoxo-

D

GRE.

Well, I guess I have to admit it:  I took the GRE yesterday and completely bombed it.  BOMBED it.

I knew it was going to happen, and yet there was a small part of me that hoped I was smart enough to do better.  When I got the score (you get them right at the end), it was all I could do not to break down right there.  By the time I got into the parking lot though, I was sobbing.  I cried all night, and then, I got a text this morning that woke me up asking me how I did and it sparked the tears all over again.  So I spent half of the day today crying too.  I'm just disappointed; I was so excited to go to grad school and start something new.  Unfortunately, I did so terribly on the test, that I will not be able to apply anywhere with that score.  I would need to retest...and I don't think I'm up for that.

So I'm putting the grad school thing back on the shelf and moving on.  Basically right now I'm trying to get out of this huge spiral of a funk I got myself into.  I no longer want to be around anyone else.  I no longer want to try to do anything.  I just want to be in my room, with the door closed, laying in my bed.  I've forced myself to get up and get on with life because I don't want to do that- but it's hard.  It's hard because people keep asking how I did, and I don't want to tell them.  I'm embarrassed.  I know I shouldn't feel this way because that test is a hard test and everyone knows I decided last minute to do it and you can't just take that test last minute like that, but I feel completely dumb and inadequate.  I've never felt this way before but man did it sink in quite easily.  I've lost all confidence in myself for the time being...

I know it will come back to me, I'm just telling you the truth.  I started looking for a new job last night once I got home from the testing center.  Chicago texted me and told me to give myself a few days and take a break.  He is so sweet, but I can't take a break right now.  I need to find something else to do.

Okay friends, I'm off to bed.  I will say that tonight I went out with a group of my friends and it was so wonderful.  I really really did not want to go but I'm so glad I did because it was the first time since yesterday that I was finally able to put everything out of my head and just have fun.  My friend that i love dearly showed up with a mullet and I forgot my woes for like- 3 hours.  How can you sulk when there is a mullet around??

XO friends-

D

Torture Chamber

Let's just say I got myself into some deep water and I'm not sure I can really swim with the local dolphins.

A friend recently set me up with someone.  He lives far away so up until recently, I haven't really been too invested- we were initially emailing back and forth for months ( a few emails a week) and then one day it just clicked and we began talking constantly.  We talk all day everyday.  I wake up to a text every morning that says something along the lines of "Good morning Gorgeous", and I go to bed every night sending a text saying, "Sleep tight babe".  Long story short- I'm flying out next weekend to hang out with this guy in Chicago.

I am Jack's ball of mixed emotion.

I am excited.  I am nervous.  I am happy and then terrified.  I get in Thursday and leave Monday.  That's in one week from now.  So close and yet still so far away.

That is a long time to be alone with a guy I have never been alone with before.  What if I get there and decide- um...no.  That has happened before!  How fun will that be- to explain that he needs to sleep on the couch because i don't want him in the same room as me (for your info, I would sleep on the couch since it's his house, just sayin...).  What if I get there and we have a blast and I don't want to leave?  That has happened before too (I'll leave anyway, I'm not THAT crazy).

All day long he has been sending me little teasing texts about next weekend and suddenly, I don't know how (um...because i'm the most competitive girl alive?) it turned into a game of "who is going to torture who the most".  Ahhh...great.  The tickling/sexual frustration games.  I forgot about those, seeing as I haven't dated anyone in like... A YEAR.

Crap.

I hate dating long distance.  It's the worst.  You spend most of your life waiting for a little weekend here or there to spend nonstop with someone for 72 hours and then they leave again and you go back to waiting.  It sucks and I swore it off for good the last time I did it.  And then here I am, starting all over with this again...

Have I mentioned that I take my GRE tomorrow?  Guess who is supposed to be studying but is so burned out and hopeless that she is actually writing on her long forgotten blog.  Yeah, that'd be me- again.

Please pray for me...that I'll survive tomorrow, and next weekend.

xoxo-

D

Oldie but Goodie..

Hi lovebirds!

I. Am. Alive.

I want to thank you guys for all of the support through my last few posts.  Seriously, some of you have really buoyed me up when I thought for sure I was donezo.  You don't know who you are- but I know who you are.  Thank you.

I am still up weight wise.  It's depressing, but I can't worry about it at the moment.  It plagues me, and I don't have time for the plaguing.  So I will focus on it when I can.  I am still trying to get to the gym everyday and trying my best to watch what I'm eating...but I'm so stressed and emotional eating is what I do in times like this.  I'm not making excuses- it is what it is.  It's not who I am and as much as I hate it, I will not let it define me right now.  But honestly, healthy food just doesn't sound desirable at the moment.  Or ever, lately.

The good news is I'm half way through my Letter of Intent.  I wrote a first draft- submitted it to a friend for review (a friend that just got his MBA and knows what I need to say), and I've totally re-written the whole thing. :)  I am about half way through the 2nd draft and I feel good about the general direction the paper is taking.  I had to finally put it away last night and go to bed as it was after 1 am and I still had to get up and work today.  But I plan on working on it more tomorrow and finishing it up to send back to him for review.  After that- all I have to do is stay focused on my GRE studies.  I need a math tutor, but other than the math, I feel somewhat hopeful that I might do decently on the exam.  Let's keep our fingers crossed.  And keep praying for me!  Those of you who are praying- thank you thank you for keeping me in your prayers, I need all the help I can get right now.

Work is coming along too.  I'm about half way through the project that was due today.  My boss knows though that I've had a million horrific happenings this week with my applications (work apps like email, not school app) so he has given me extra time.  Maybe I will survive.

The only thing left is my birthday!  Yes, my birthday was last month.  But my dear friend here has decided to throw me a dinner celebration as my birthday falls on a holiday when no one really wants to celebrate.  I'm so excited- 12 of my best girlfriends and I are getting together tonight for something special.  I can't wait!!  This is MUCH NEEDED.

So yeah, I'm surviving.  And hopeful that I might even thrive soon...

XO-

D

GRE and ME.

I logged in tonight and found this old post that never got posted.  So there are two posts being posted tonight.

I'm still alive- and stressed more than ever in regards to the GRE.  I take it next Friday.  Please pray for a miracle on my behalf. :)  I took a practice test last night and bombed it.  Things are not looking good.

Weight is about the same I haven't lost or gained much.  Still up from Christmas/holidays.  Don't care right now.  I work out pretty much every day (except today) which is helping, but it would be nice to thin out a little.  Oh well, I will deal with that later.

Work is the same.  Dating life is the same.

I promise after next Friday I will try to be more regular. :)

xoxoxox-

D

Piggy.

It was time to go to bed an hour ago and instead I went to Walmart.  Now I'm home and trolling blogs.  Don't get me wrong, I'm super tired.  I've been studying and working all day for the past several days and I haven't gotten enough sleep.  But I had another MASSIVE diet pepsi today and that was pretty much all of the liquid I drank- except for 4 cups of tea tonight after dinner.  I haven't peed a drop (which tells you how thirsty I am), and I'm wide awake from the caffeine, so that tells you how healthy I've become.

I have officially gained 5 pounds back as of this morning since the holidays.  Back into the 140's I've plunged without one hesitation.

I'm pissed.

Because I was wallowing in self pity all day, I chose to indulge in copious amounts of pizza, garlic rolls, and diet pepsi for lunch.  Super healthy.  Since we're being honest here- I should also admit I went to Yogurtland last night for a huge tub of frozen yogurt to inhale as well.  I didn't care while shoveling it all in my face- no way.  At least yesterday's lunch binge was on salad.  This is day two of me not working out at all, and drinking over abundant amounts of diet pepsi.  I don't even like diet pepsi!!!!! Remember?  It's Coke Zero!  What the Hell!

Speaking of that crack juice- whilst at Walmart tonight I stood in front of the Coke Zero 6 packs for 10 minutes, debating on if I could have some now since I'm clearly on the train to Fatland and not giving a damn.  Remember that I had a New Year's Resolution to not drink soda?  Yeah, that lasted 11 days.  Not even 2 weeks!  Wow.  Luckily tonight I walked away without purchasing that nectar of heaven hell.

What am I going to do with myself. I cannot...repeat...CANNOT be on this train right now.  Already I'm rolling around the house in sweats, convinced my clothes don't fit and I can't workout or do anything productive.

5 pounds.

It can take you from slim and trim and loving life- to obese, reclusive and hoarding a tub of ice cream in 0 seconds flat.  5 frakking pounds.

This, by the way, was NOT a writing exercise.  I should be working on my Letter of Intent; instead I'm writing this post.  But hey- I need something from my former life...right???

Miss you all, love you all...

D

I think I'm still alive, but not sure..

This has to be the fastest post I'm ever going to write, mainly because I was supposed to be in bed about 14 minutes ago and still have yet to wash my face and begin the nightly ritual.

I went for a 4 mile run today on the beach...first time in months.  Since October I think- when I quit training for Ragnar.  It felt awesome to be out there.  My throat was sore from the dry cold air, but I loved it.  Took some pics but I'll have to upload them later as I'm in too much of a hurry to get to bed.

I was thinking about it on my run and I'm worried that I will fall off the blog map.  I barely have time to check in and write a post, let alone get in and comment on other people's blogs.  I feel horrible about that and I'm sorry to all of you who I have sucked at supporting, who have supported me.  I am aware that I suck, big time.  Please forgive me and be patient, I swear after this month is over, I will be better.

Grad school application is coming along- I found a good friend that recently graduated with an MBA who is helping me with my letter of intent.  I wrote about half of it then sent it to him for review; he was supposed to come over tonight to help me with it but we went to BJ's to watch the game instead.  Auburn won and Oregon lost...damn.  We've postponed the paper til Wed and that gives me anxiety, just because I want to get it done and out of the way so I can focus on studying for the GRE.  Picked a date this morning- Jan 28th at 2 pm, I will be sweating bullets and testing my life away.

I was able to finally start the death project the boss wants by Friday today.  So that was good.

What else, what else...

There are two new male prospects at the moment- but really, seriously, that's about all I can tell you now.  I will have to expound on this more later as it's been 16 minutes and I HAVE to get to bed.  I have presentations to do in the morning starting at 7 am. Yay me.

Please don't forget about me- and pray I get through this month.  If you only hear from me sporadically- know that I am here in spirit and heart, and I'll be back full force in Feb.

XOXOXO

D

I feel a crazy coming on...

I'm stressed this morning.

There is no reason for me to be this stressed...well, there kind of is, but it should be nothing I can't handle, and yet I'm sitting here, wallowing in my stress.  My boss basically tripled the workload by giving us this project to do.  We usually have to enter this information into the work database everyday- but we haven't had to do it since May (my team).  Well, this week the boss decided he wants us to go back and enter everything since May; and it has to be done by next Friday.  The process is really slow and takes a lot of time because the system is so slow.  I have not been able to do anything since my passwords had to be reset and our corporate office hasn't gotten me my new passwords yet (I just called them AGAIN).  So this is causing me to freak out.  Because that puts a lot of pressure on next week, and if they don't get me my passwords by the end of today, I can't work on it over the weekend.

So a smart Dizzy would start working on her Letter of Intent, since she now has the time and she knows that needs attention.  Or she could finish filling out her online app, since there is information she has to call her old University to get.  But no, instead I'm just sitting here, freaking out.  I need to get a grip- it's going to be a long month otherwise.

Or I could go to the gym.  But my stomach is in knots and I'm not sure if I'm going to have diarrhea or not any minute now.  It feels like it could be diarrhea-ish, or just nerves.  What is my problem?

Yesterday I thought I was doing so well.  I was telling someone that I was so thankful and that I feel like in the last month alone, I've come so far.  Funny how "so far" really is just a few steps when you really look at it.  And those steps can easily be taken backwards...in one giant step if you're not careful.

Ugh.  I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

-D

Cleanse

Good morning my lovies...

I just had to write this post real quick; truth is, I made another green smoothie this morning (replaced grapes with a banana), and I got so full that now I need to wait a little bit before going to the gym so I don't get sick.  So I'm writing this post (yay for you, right?).

I heard something awesome today that moved me, and I want to share it.  I was listening to my little talk radio on my phone while making my smoothie this morning (got an iPhone 4 for Christmas- thank you family!!) and they had a lady AND a man on there that they were interviewing- apparently the man murdered the woman's daughter; I'm not sure how as I tuned in about half way through the whole thing.  It was the most amazing story of forgiveness though.  I guess the guy was in prison and wrote a letter to the mom.  He didn't know what to say, because he knew that he had taken this woman's only daughter from her, so he wrote, hi- how are things going? or something along those lines.  Well, she wrote back and said, I want to know what happened that night.  Then she came down to the prison and confronted him in person (in a special room with her lawyers and police, etc), and she asked him again- what happened that night?  She said she was looking for closure because she didn't even know what had happened to her daughter; she just knew that she had been murdered by this man.  Then, the woman said, she heard a voice audibly say, "Forgive him mom".  She said she recognized it as her daughter's voice.  So she told the man, "I forgive you, but God is going to have to forgive you too now" and he started crying so hard- she said it was as if he was "crying from every pore".  Now, years later, he was released from prison and he goes and visits the mother every day and does whatever she needs him to do.  He got married and goes to church every Sunday and both of them talked about the forgiveness she gave him; how it changed his life and hers.  She said it was as if she had been given a gift- she was not consumed by hatred and anger anymore.

I don't know why- but I just loved this little broadcast.  It really made my morning.  I don't honestly know that I would ever be able to forgive someone in that same situation if it had been me; but it inspired me because these people honestly sounded happy.  We CAN forgive people if we really try; I think it's easier and more natural for us not to forgive people, but it also weighs us down and holds us back from who we really are or who we can become if we let those things go.  While I have not had anything this drastic happen in my life, I definitely have been through some major things that have caused me to be very angry with people, and feel justified in not forgiving them.  However, over time I did forgive them- as hard as it was, and I'm so thankful that I did because those negative feelings WILL smother your happiness; I know that from first hand experience.  I guess what I'm trying to say is- in every situation we have a choice.  We can either be consumed by anger and negativity, or we can choose the harder (but better) road- to rise above our challenge and choose happiness and freedom.

We have a choice- YOU have a choice.  I have a choice.

As I think about the upcoming year and the wonderful opportunities that are ahead of us, I hope we can learn to let go of the things that are holding us back or down.  This is OUR year to really move ahead.  Put the past in the past and forge ahead my friends- you have all of the opportunity in the world to do so and now is the time to do it.

Have a beautiful, fantastic day.  May it be filled with happiness and joy!!

XO-

D

Hit it!!

Well...things are coming along quite nicely, if I do say so myself.

I got up this morning, had a green smoothie and went to the gym.  While I try to hustle through this month it's crucial that I keep working out so my stress levels stay somewhat normal.  After an intense 45 minute workout I came home and got to work!  Application- filled out.  Transcripts- requested.  Letters of Recommendation- requested.  I also did my JOB today (surprise surprise) and managed to eat healthy, vegan foods as well.  For breakfast I had a green smoothie (kale, spinach, a green apple, parsley, and some red seedless grapes), then post workout breakfast consisted of: 1/4 cup rolled oats, 1 tblspoon steel cut oats, 1 tblspoon quinoa, 1 tblspoon flaxseeds, and 1 table spoon almond butter.  For lunch I had udon noodles with peas and corn, and a corn/arugula salad on the side.  Been drinking my water like a maniac; almost finished 1.5 liters so far.  I also have the worst headache alive (caffeine headache maybe?)  I've been getting a lot of headaches lately.

I've also started my Letter of Intent.  The Letter of Intent and the GRE are the two most important steps in the application process (not to mention the letters of recommendation and the resume too);  I'm hoping to get the majority of the first draft of the Letter of Intent written this weekend; and I'm also applying to take the GRE this weekend too (have to pick the date. Frick).

WHO AM I????  Starting out this year with a bang folks.  I am NOT messing around.

D

Time to Conquer

Okay!

I am finally home and back to reality!  WHEW!!!

While the holidays were so fun and I loved every second and love my family so much, it's hard being out of your routine and out of your element- especially for 10 days.  I'm so glad it's over.  I weighed myself this morning on my home scale...and I've only gained 2 pounds the whole week and a half I was gone.  YESSSSS!!  Considering I didn't get to work out one time, and I ate pretty horribly, I'm so happy about that.

I am so excited for the New Year and ready to conquer!  I purchased a few magazines yesterday while at the airport (delays left and right and nothing to do for hours) and reading SHAPE magazine really got me inspired.  I think I'm going to make yoga a regular part of my exercise routine this year.  While I don't love yoga (at all), I know it's good for my body and it seems that if you can make yourself keep going for awhile, you can learn to fall in love with it.  I need that.  I have also been discussing a few marathons with some friends and if I do a marathon, it will be crucial that I am limber and flexible for that much distance running.

This year is going to be the best one yet, I can feel it.  I am doing adult things!  Grad school?  Check.  Marathon?  Probably...check.  Yoga?  Traveling to new cities?  Check and check!  I LOVE IT!!

Hope you guys are having a wonderful day- let's conquer!!!

D