Well, I guess I have to admit it: I took the GRE yesterday and completely bombed it. BOMBED it.
I knew it was going to happen, and yet there was a small part of me that hoped I was smart enough to do better. When I got the score (you get them right at the end), it was all I could do not to break down right there. By the time I got into the parking lot though, I was sobbing. I cried all night, and then, I got a text this morning that woke me up asking me how I did and it sparked the tears all over again. So I spent half of the day today crying too. I'm just disappointed; I was so excited to go to grad school and start something new. Unfortunately, I did so terribly on the test, that I will not be able to apply anywhere with that score. I would need to retest...and I don't think I'm up for that.
So I'm putting the grad school thing back on the shelf and moving on. Basically right now I'm trying to get out of this huge spiral of a funk I got myself into. I no longer want to be around anyone else. I no longer want to try to do anything. I just want to be in my room, with the door closed, laying in my bed. I've forced myself to get up and get on with life because I don't want to do that- but it's hard. It's hard because people keep asking how I did, and I don't want to tell them. I'm embarrassed. I know I shouldn't feel this way because that test is a hard test and everyone knows I decided last minute to do it and you can't just take that test last minute like that, but I feel completely dumb and inadequate. I've never felt this way before but man did it sink in quite easily. I've lost all confidence in myself for the time being...
I know it will come back to me, I'm just telling you the truth. I started looking for a new job last night once I got home from the testing center. Chicago texted me and told me to give myself a few days and take a break. He is so sweet, but I can't take a break right now. I need to find something else to do.
Okay friends, I'm off to bed. I will say that tonight I went out with a group of my friends and it was so wonderful. I really really did not want to go but I'm so glad I did because it was the first time since yesterday that I was finally able to put everything out of my head and just have fun. My friend that i love dearly showed up with a mullet and I forgot my woes for like- 3 hours. How can you sulk when there is a mullet around??