Okay, I'm really on fire right now.
I just read a friend's recent blog post- I'm sure you all know her- Kenz (the post can be found here) about her life and her musings on what her life could've/would've been like if she was thin. This post stirred up a lot of emotion in me- I'm surprised actually at the range of emotions I've felt as I read the post. For one thing- even though I've never been 400 pounds, I could totally relate. I could relate to thinking back on my life and wondering if/knowing my life would've been different if I'd been a different weight. Even losing 20 pounds has made a VAST difference in my dating life and confidence. Men seem to notice me more, and seem to be more interested in me the thinner I get. I'm told I'm "hot" way more frequently. It sucks, but it's true. Up until recently, as a single, the whole goal was to land a man, so to me...losing weight meant having more options to choose from. Plus it gives me confidence to "feel" thinner. I feel more feminine, and I take more time to look more feminine. I am more social, more outgoing, and generally happier with as little as 20 pounds gone.
As you know, I've been dating a plethora of men lately. I went out with the Surfer Thursday night and came home pissed. I told my roommate that I'm cutting all of them. I've been dating "all of them" (there are 4 of them) for about a month and a half, and I'm starting to feel the unspoken pressure that they are all anticipating some hot, steamy sex soon. Honestly- it turns me off from all of them. No one has said anything outright, but the tone of their text messages and phone calls are different now- and I know each of them (having no idea I'm dating anyone else) thinks they're getting lucky soon. They WANT to have sex- which is completely understandable...isn't that the nature of men? They want to be attracted and they want to have sex. I'm not mad about that. I'm upset that I feel like that seems to be the only thing they're all interested in lately. No one asks me about my dreams. My goals. My fears and what I want, or what I don't want. No. Instead, I get text messages that say things like, "baby come rub my back". Or, "baby send me a hot pic". NO.
This post is a rant- so sorry if it seems random or scattered- I'm typing as I think about things.
So back to Kenz's post- yes, I feel more sexy as I lose weight, and I wonder how many more guys I would've/can go out with as I continue to tone up and get skinnier. I wonder sometimes if I've subconsciously kept weight on because I'm worried about this very thing that is happening: I meet guys that only seem to be interested in one thing and nothing else. And i don't want that. I mean I do, but with everything else- not just that. I could relate to wondering how my life would be different if I were thinner, or fatter even.
It also evoked an emotion of sadness in me. In my comment to her, I asked her why everyone in America buys into the philosophy that you must be thin to be successful or have it all. Why does all of America seem to think you must look a certain way in order to get what you want? I told her (and this is true) that I have tons of friends that are skinny and yet, they are so unhappy with themselves. Physically, emotionally, whatever- being thin does NOT equal happiness by a long shot. Yet we all keep striving for it. We're all unhappy with ourselves. I told Kenz to never EVER question the coulda/woulda/shoulda's again because the reality is- you can't go back and change things. It's a waste of energy to wish things had been different. That's not to say you can't hope for a different body or be motivated to change things in the future...but don't think about or regret the past because it can't be changed. Things happen the way they do for a reason; do you really want to keep looking back on your life and be upset? If the thoughts don't make you happy- quit thinking about it or keep trying to change it. But accept yourself for where you're at and keep working on it (this is where Kenz is now and I'm so happy for her- she will continue to succeed in her weight loss journey because she is accepting the things that have happened.)
I could continue on with my rant, but I think I'm getting spent just typing it all out. :P I guess the whole post was to say- I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy too, so i can strive for that. My biggest problem isn't my weight at the moment. But I still owe it to myself to be true and find what DOES make me happy...
Hope you made it through my thoughts...