I've started looking for a new job early; the job market is crap out here in CA and I know I need all the time I can get right now. As I've been searching, I realized today that I absolutely loathe looking for a new job. I wish i could just sell a machine already so I don't have to think about it for a few days.
Yesterday my roommate decided she was done and went to turn in a 30 days notice. She couldn't take the pressure of not knowing if I would be able to pay my rent next month; I don't blame her at all. I would've done the same thing. As she was driving over to the property management office- my other friend called her to see if she could move in with us instead of us moving out. So we added a third girl to our tiny apartment in order to bring the rent down. The landlord doesn't know of course; if we would've told her- she would've raised the rent and that would've defeated the purpose of having a 3rd girl move in. Still makes me nervous to lie to the landlord though.
While I'm so thankful and I definitely feel like some of the pressure is off (now that my rent is almost half of what it was), I'm also a little anxious. Our apartment is TINY. I'm sad and nervous to cramp in as tight as we're about to cramp in. I just hope I can get on my feet soon so that if this doesn't feel like a good fit in a couple of months- I won't be forced to stay because I'm still too poor to move on. My friend and I are going to share the master, and my current roommate is going to take over the tiny room I'm in now. I am still curious as to how we're going to fit everything in this place.
It's interesting to me that during such a hard time in my life- when so many people have reached out to help me- I've never felt as alone as I do now. So many people have offered up so much to help me and I am seriously so grateful; however, at the same time- there is a feeling of such isolation and loneliness. I isolate myself because I don't want to put this on anyone else. I am dating more guys now than I have in a long time- and yet I'm completely emotionally disconnected from all of them. Same with my friends. Same with my own mother. I'm too exhausted to connect with anyone; does that make sense? I hide away from everyone because I just don't want to expose them to my fear and anxiety anymore.
This year- between the disappointment of grad school and the disappointment of trying a new dream job and not succeeding at it (so far)...it's been so tough. I'm trying to hold on and remember that when you risk everything- you stand the chance that you'll lose everything. But even at this point when I stand to lose it all- I still can't go back to the way my life was before. I risked it all because I believe that eventually- one day- I will succeed at something. I hoped (and still hope) this is it, but who knows!? It's up to God now. I can only hope and pray that he will be merciful enough to me to cut me a little slack this month. ;)
There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me! Right?! RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT????
xo my friends- sorry if this post sounds depressing. This is what my blog is for- right? To vent.