Friday, June 10, 2011

Almost Homeless, but not quite

I've started looking for a new job early; the job market is crap out here in CA and I know I need all the time I can get right now.  As I've been searching, I realized today that I absolutely loathe looking for a new job.  I wish i could just sell a machine already so I don't have to think about it for a few days.

Yesterday my roommate decided she was done and went to turn in a 30 days notice.  She couldn't take the pressure of not knowing if I would be able to pay my rent next month; I don't blame her at all.  I would've done the same thing.  As she was driving over to the property management office- my other friend called her to see if she could move in with us instead of us moving out.  So we added a third girl to our tiny apartment in order to bring the rent down.  The landlord doesn't know of course; if we would've told her- she would've raised the rent and that would've defeated the purpose of having a 3rd girl move in.  Still makes me nervous to lie to the landlord though.

While I'm so thankful and I definitely feel like some of the pressure is off (now that my rent is almost half of what it was), I'm also a little anxious.  Our apartment is TINY.  I'm sad and nervous to cramp in as tight as we're about to cramp in.  I just hope I can get on my feet soon so that if this doesn't feel like a good fit in a couple of months- I won't be forced to stay because I'm still too poor to move on.  My friend and I are going to share the master, and my current roommate is going to take over the tiny room I'm in now.  I am still curious as to how we're going to fit everything in this place.

It's interesting to me that during such a hard time in my life- when so many people have reached out to help me- I've never felt as alone as I do now.  So many people have offered up so much to help me and I am seriously so grateful; however, at the same time- there is a feeling of such isolation and loneliness.  I isolate myself because I don't want to put this on anyone else.  I am dating more guys now than I have in a long time- and yet I'm completely emotionally disconnected from all of them.  Same with my friends.  Same with my own mother.  I'm too exhausted to connect with anyone; does that make sense?  I hide away from everyone because I just don't want to expose them to my fear and anxiety anymore.

This year- between the disappointment of grad school and the disappointment of trying a new dream job and not succeeding at it (so far)'s been so tough.  I'm trying to hold on and remember that when you risk everything- you stand the chance that you'll lose everything.  But even at this point when I stand to lose it all- I still can't go back to the way my life was before.  I risked it all because I believe that eventually- one day- I will succeed at something.  I hoped (and still hope) this is it, but who knows!?  It's up to God now.  I can only hope and pray that he will be merciful enough to me to cut me a little slack this month. ;)

There is a bigger plan for me.  There is a bigger plan for me.  There is a bigger plan for me! Right?!  RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT????

xo my friends- sorry if this post sounds depressing.  This is what my blog is for- right?  To vent.



  1. It IS what your blog is for. :)

    You know, you helped me to remember something. The whole grad school dream.

    One problem was that you were afraid to quit your job. :) haha. THAT problem is obviously solved.

    Why don't you revisit the grad school thing? Look at other, less competitive schools. Except for a few jobs, the degree is what counts not the school (as long as the school is accrredited, of course.)

    Some schools let you apply until September 1st. And lots of people fail their first GRE attempt.

    Maybe you need to revisit your program of study choice, too. Surf the net while you're hiding out. Look up jobs you might like and the degrees they require.

    You can apply for a grad assistantship once your accepted that will give you spending money.

    Just a thouoght. There IS a plan for you--and a good plan!


  2. Dizzy,
    Blogger is acting up but I am trying to respond. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk with someone there about your situation. Is there a local church or minister that could counsel you? They usually counsel people for free. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, dear. Hugs.

  3. Yes, this is what your blog is for :)

    Sometimes life is nuts. It just is. And it will pass, but that doesn't help while you're in the thick of the misery.

    Hugs, girlie. And take care of yourself.

  4. THis post breaks my heart....I know you feel alone but you are not...your spirit will take you through this if you let are ALWAYS in my thoughts.

  5. Hugs hugs hugs. This is definitely what your blog is for. And I know that its hard to be cramped in a tiny apartment, but its what is best for now and second yes not everything is going to work out but there is better things on the horizon and sometimes yucky stuff has to happen so when the good stuff comes along you won't miss it. And I emotionally isolate myself when times are hard. Its a defense mechanism. I just can't cope and by being emotionally linked it will mean I will have to talk about it more than the 50 billion times it circles my head and it just seems harder to hear it out loud. I don't know if that makes sense but that is how it is for me. Have faith. Its tough here in NY job market too but don;t lose faith bonita.