Survival

I'm pretty bummed out today.

Yesterday was a hard day- though it started out pretty decent enough.  I went to my interview in LA and it went awesome.  They called me back for a second interview next week.  I'm excited but also kinda bummed- I don't want to move up there but I'll have to if I get this job.  The commute took over an hour during the middle of the day- I can't imagine what it's going to be like during morning rush hour traffic.  But it's also a relief to know I could potentially have a job again.  The pay is about a $15,000 pay cut- so that sucks.  It's still more than what I'm making doing massage right now.  If I can find a decent place to live and budget like hell, I will probably be able to survive.  I've already started scouring the wanted ads for massage jobs up there so I can maybe make a little extra to help me stay on my feet.

On the way back home I stopped in to see a friend that lives half way between here and LA.  Of course, as usual when I see this friend, she started telling me what's going on in her life.  Because we have mutual friends, she also was inadvertently telling me things that are going on in other people's lives too.  I don't know what I've done to the cosmo's...but I have about 3 or 4 people that are pissed off at me right now.  For different reasons...but it still sucks.  I've tried contacting two of them already to make amends.  So far, one of those two is willing to talk to me.  I didn't even know she was upset.  The other one finally texted me back after I attempted to reach out to him- he told me to leave him alone.  I have to honor what he asks of me, so I will, but I'm sad to see the friendship go.  Yet one of the others is a toxic person and I do not care to make amends with him.  He's apparently talking smack about me- she was telling me some of the things he was claiming.  I'm angry about it but trying to just let it go.  I don't want to confront him, I don't want to deal with him- everyone knows he's crazy so I'm just trying so so so hard to let it go and not be angry.  This is life.  Sometimes it sucks to deal with the consequences of your actions.  Sometimes it's hard to accept the consequences of your actions...I never should've been friends with this person in the first place.

All day I've been thinking while I've been doing my massages- why does life have to be so up hill sometimes?  I feel like I will never get the things I want.  I am battling just to survive right now.  All of my life I was told as a kid- if you really want something- go after it and it's yours.  It's depressing to know as an adult that this just isn't true.  I have chased and chased and chased dreams- to no avail.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true for you.  It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you suck.  I know some of you will probably try to tell me that it just means God has something else in store for me.  He probably does, but it still sucks to know that the things I wanted are not part of the equation.  Sure, there might be even better things in store than what I wanted- but I don't have hope for that right now.

I'm trying not to have a pity party but as you can see- I'm not doing a great job.  I'm also sucking at my diet lately.  Today was weigh in- 140.6.  Last week was 140.0.  AWESOME.

D