Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Here we go again...

I knew it was inevitable- that I would be writing this post.  I always end up doing this; those of you who have been following me for awhile know what I'm talking about.  The up and then the down...

I woke up this morning realizing that I've been running as fast as I can down a super horrible road of destruction lately.  Well, it's not like I "just realized it", I've known, I've just ignored it for awhile.  This morning it was glaring me in the face again and wouldn't rescind back into it's normal dark corner (the thoughts that I need to get a grip cuz my behavior is super self destructive and it WILL destroy everything I've spent years building if I don't stop NOW).

The question I pose to myself this morning, as usual- is..'when will I learn?'.  Why is it that when everything seems to finally be in line and perfect- I find ways to sabotage it?  I struggle and I struggle and I struggle to get it all together and then...when it's finally falling all into place..I start kicking at one of the corner stones.  When kicking doesn't work- I start picking with some kind of ax pick or something until I've destroyed the first four blocks.  My weight is a perfect example of this.  It has taken me months to get down into the 130's.  Now that I'm finally here- I let myself off the hook and last night if you would've looked...you would've found me at Del Taco, inhaling a cheesy quesadilla and fries at 12:30 am.  I haven't worked out in a week.  It is inevitable that I will rise to the 140's again if I continue this behavior, and yet, I continue to pick at the corner.

I'm sick of living cyclical.  I do so well for so long, only to inevitably throw myself into an abyss.  Why.  For months I convinced myself that I have an addictive personality and blamed it on that.  It helped for a short moment, but deep in my heart I'm not convinced of that anymore.  Seriously- I'm not in denial, I just don't think that's really the problem, it's an excuse to myself so I can put a name with a face.  There is a deeper reason in my mind; I'm not satisfied with the "I'm an addict" thing anymore.

So yeah, I woke up this morning frustrated with myself again.  Not just because of the cheesy quesadilla...that seems to be minor on the list of things that I'm doing lately to myself.  I'm not happy with myself right now.  A week ago I was happy; but you can do a lot of damage in a week, trust me, I'm learning this.  It's time to change things again.  I don't mean- change jobs or change housing...I mean change me.  Change my resolve and my focus and my determination to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life.  I am NOT going to let myself pick at the corners of the great things I've tried to build into my life.  Like I said- I finally have all the pieces in place...now I just need to let them happen and quit sabotaging.




  1. Sometimes Diz when our goals for ourselves come to where we can see them and almost touch them we get scared. Self Doubt rears its ugly head. Fear that the goal isn't we thought it would be and change in itself is a scary monster. I sabotage cause I am scared of failing and in that I give myself a self prophecy. I am not stopping. Not letting my fear grab hold of my legs while I am walking forward. Don't Stop Diz! Be your own cheering team! You can do this! Your fabulous and you know it. Don't feed the self doubt demon.

  2. Well. You know that I know how this feels.

    There are probably several reasons, one of which the above commenter hit on. Another is, I would think, that when you're anxious, you calm that with food. You've just made a HUGE risky change in your life. Eating too much or spending too much in response makes sense.

    You don't have to call it an addictive personality, you can call it a maladaptive way of coping with anxiety, stress, or success. I don't care what you call it. It doesn't really matter.

    What matters is how to stop it. God knows. Ask Him. ....then tell me. :}

    Hugs, fierce girl, hugs.


  3. Did you think that getting your weight off would mean life would be perfect and there would be no more problems? What a disappointment to find that life is still a challenge. Our default is eat. Our default when things change is eat. We know what obese feels like; we aren't so sure about a healthy weight and the expectations that come with it not to mention the responsibility to keep the weight off. You are not a victim remember.

  4. It sounds to me like you expect too much from yourself. You have so much going on right now with the new job and new economic situation. It is natural to be stressed. Ideally you would incorporate healthy eating and exercise into the routine to help with the stress, but that isn't always realistic (although you'll feel better if you do). I suspect you are a perfectionist and struggle with an "all or nothing" way of looking at your eating and exercise. In order to meet your high standards, you have to eat really cleanly and do a gym work out on a regular basis. If you can't make yourself do it, then you throw in the towel.

    I know it is difficult, but I firmly believe that it is better to adopt more realistic standards. I've seen it 100 times (and done it myself) where people can't meet their too-high standards so they go on a binge or avoid exercise altogether. Wouldn't it be better to squeeze a 20 minute walk into your daily routine if you can't manage an hour and a half at the gym? And if you eat something you didn't plan, don't beat yourself up and don't use it as an excuse to throw your hands up and say you can't do it perfectally so you might as well not bother. Instead figure out a way to incorporate the foods you're craving into your meal plan and consider increasing your calories a bit during this high-stress time. You don't need to be losing now. Maintaining would be a success right now considering all that it happening.

    I want to say lastly that I know what an incredible person you are and I don't intend to be critical. Please don't take it that way. I have struggled with perfectionism myself and I have pretty much managed to adopt a much more realistic way of eating and living. As a result I am much happier. I wish you great success and peace!

  5. I know exactly how you feel. And I bet you also have so much to be happy for you just can't figure out why you keep going around in circles. We will get this firgured out and have happy satisfying lives. I know you can break the cycle.

  6. I, too, know exactly how it feels, Diz. I pretty much binged all of last week. I have characterized myself as an addict only to wonder, is that just an excuse. I mean . . . we can do better. We know we can, because we have.

    Like you said, you can do a lot of damage in a week. But you know, you can make a whole ton of progress in a week, too. Let's do it right this week!

    Love ya Diz, and I owe you an e-mail I know!


  7. Hey, Diz. Ordinarily, I would email this to you, but somehow your address has fallen off of my email addrerss book. I'll try to be cryptic, but clear. Hmmm. Circumspect is not usually my style, is it? But I'll try.

    I just want to remind you that often people write comments from their own frame of rerference--they make assumptions based on what is true for them, not you.

    For instance, a woman who weighs 215 pounds after working on weight loss for more than a year, may see your situation thru her own obese glasses--rather than thru your reality.

    You'll be just fine, fierce girl. Just take it all with a grain of salt.



  8. I found it interesting you described it as cyclical. I used to think of it that way too. Then I read in a book about it being more of an upward spiral; that with each go-around, we learn more and can do better, and rise higher in the process. I kinda liked that! We can never go back and "start over"; but we CAN continue onwards and upwards.

    I also like how you are self-aware. I mean, you SEE what you are doing; you are willing to face it, address it, learn from it, look for new and better strategies. I agree with Deb... you're going to be just fine!


  9. Hang in there, Dizzy. Everything usually does go in cycles whether we realize it or not. The key is to stay vigilant and try to break the negative part of the cycle before it takes hold. I wish you well. I know you will stop this and get back under control. You can do nit.

  10. Wow D - I'm pretty sure I could have written this...so reading it made me cringe because I know how much this hurts internally. The hamster on the wheel feeling...when will it end? What is the key? We have to find it together and not give up okay?

  11. this quote always hits a chord with me when I'm feeling this way;
    “For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.” Souza