I knew it was inevitable- that I would be writing this post. I always end up doing this; those of you who have been following me for awhile know what I'm talking about. The up and then the down...
I woke up this morning realizing that I've been running as fast as I can down a super horrible road of destruction lately. Well, it's not like I "just realized it", I've known, I've just ignored it for awhile. This morning it was glaring me in the face again and wouldn't rescind back into it's normal dark corner (the thoughts that I need to get a grip cuz my behavior is super self destructive and it WILL destroy everything I've spent years building if I don't stop NOW).
The question I pose to myself this morning, as usual- is..'when will I learn?'. Why is it that when everything seems to finally be in line and perfect- I find ways to sabotage it? I struggle and I struggle and I struggle to get it all together and then...when it's finally falling all into place..I start kicking at one of the corner stones. When kicking doesn't work- I start picking with some kind of ax pick or something until I've destroyed the first four blocks. My weight is a perfect example of this. It has taken me months to get down into the 130's. Now that I'm finally here- I let myself off the hook and last night if you would've looked...you would've found me at Del Taco, inhaling a cheesy quesadilla and fries at 12:30 am. I haven't worked out in a week. It is inevitable that I will rise to the 140's again if I continue this behavior, and yet, I continue to pick at the corner.
I'm sick of living cyclical. I do so well for so long, only to inevitably throw myself into an abyss. Why. For months I convinced myself that I have an addictive personality and blamed it on that. It helped for a short moment, but deep in my heart I'm not convinced of that anymore. Seriously- I'm not in denial, I just don't think that's really the problem, it's an excuse to myself so I can put a name with a face. There is a deeper reason in my mind; I'm not satisfied with the "I'm an addict" thing anymore.
So yeah, I woke up this morning frustrated with myself again. Not just because of the cheesy quesadilla...that seems to be minor on the list of things that I'm doing lately to myself. I'm not happy with myself right now. A week ago I was happy; but you can do a lot of damage in a week, trust me, I'm learning this. It's time to change things again. I don't mean- change jobs or change housing...I mean change me. Change my resolve and my focus and my determination to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life. I am NOT going to let myself pick at the corners of the great things I've tried to build into my life. Like I said- I finally have all the pieces in place...now I just need to let them happen and quit sabotaging.