****Warning! This is a long, whiny post about work and it's full of self pity and doubt. You might gag.***
Some things happened at work yesterday and I had a mini meltdown last night. Doesn't help that I also started my period last night too and am an emotional wreck. While trying to console me, my roommate pointed out that my boss has been a huge emotional support to me, while he's been more of a logistical support for B because she has a boyfriend and doesn't need the emotional support.
I think she is absolutely right and I've thought a lot about this since last night. The thing is- he can't always be an emotional support for me; I know that. It's not appropriate. It worked in the beginning because I was new, but now it's getting to the point where I need to stand on my own two feet. In the beginning, he talked to me every night on the phone. I would call him and we would go over my day and what I need to do differently, or what I need to do next, etc etc. I didn't realize he was becoming an emotional support because it was never intended to be that, but now I miss the phone calls and the help. I can't keep calling him though. The question I have now is, how do I start to find confidence in myself? How does one let go of all those around her that occasionally lift her up, and start to find her own strength so that she can lift herself up? Especially if/when she knows she has the strength to do it. Everyone else in the company (and in my personal life) I believe thinks I am a confident person and I don't need a lot of constant support. Or maybe they don't; maybe they just figured if they threw me out into the deep end I would have to learn how to swim regardless so they just tossed me out already. I feel like I'm in the deep end right now and it's that crucial moment where you have to yield the panic-stricken feelings you have and THINK...remember that you've been taught how to swim. You KNOW how to do this- so quit fighting yourself and wrestling with your fight or flight response and start moving your arms in a deliberate fashion. Move your legs in a deliberate movement known as kicking or you're going to end up drowning.
Am I making sense or are you confused?
I don't know if you remember what I've told you about B- she is the other girl that got hired at the same time as me, to cover the same area as me. It has made for a very tense and complicated dynamic between the two of us. On one hand, we've become friends because we started at the same time and went through training together and didn't know anyone else so it was fun. We're about the same age and roughly the same size and we've just buddied right up. On the other hand, as the boss warned me, even though she is my co-worker, she is still competition for me because we cover the same territory. He told me not to become too close in several of our nightly chats; I listened but also let myself fall in love with mine and B's little friendship. When we had the tradeshow last week; her and I were glued at the hip. We felt like the more seasoned reps were kind of stepping all over us, but we had each other to lift and support. So I guess I didn't really listen to the boss's advice like I should have.
Well, she's from a different state and pulls this whole- I'm so innocent, I don't know how to do this spiel and everybody thinks it's cute and buys into it. I did too until yesterday. Like I've mentioned before, I helped her our first week out; we went out and booked 3 appointments together and everyone in the office cheered because we were "such a team". Then we had to deal with who gets the appointments...so I tried to remember not to be greedy, I'd be okay, and I offered to let her figure out what she wanted to do with them because they were all closer to her house. She took all 3 appointments and gave me nothing. I realized the boss was right, we need to not be too close and I started trying to separate myself a little from her.
Last week we got together and separated the territory so that it would be easier for us to work together. This way we weren't in competition, we could remain friends, and we weren't stepping on each other's toes. Until yesterday when she snuck an appointment in "my" territory behind my back and I found out about it.
The thing is, I don't expect her to give up the appointment. But she could have at least told me about it. She didn't. She's apologized several times after i called her out on it, but to me- her real nature has made itself known and I don't trust her anymore. Why should I? She has yet to do one thing to help me. Plus she went behind my back and knowingly took an appointment in my territory without even so much as a "hey girl- I know this is your territory and I want to talk to you about this..." type of thing. She straight up did. not. tell. me.
I feel so alone right now.
So yeah, I'm in the deep end, trying to believe I can do this. I have no choice. No support from my team. I'm not going to call the boss and bitch; he was the one that told the call center to give her the appointment in my territory in the first place because like everyone else, he thinks she's struggling and is trying to help her. I get it. I need to be a big girl and go out on my own, it's just hard.