Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm a serial dater.

Hi blog loves...

I'm back.  Like I could really stay away- please.   Thank you all so much for your support and your willingness to just let me vent and make my own decisions.  Let's be honest- we all know I wouldn't really close down my blog (I love blogging), I just needed to process the events that have happened in the last week or so.  Anyway- now let's get on to the juice.

I had another date tonight.  The last one?  Well...he was 25.  I'm 33.  Let's just say we're in different places.  Before him, I can't even remember the last guy in his 20's that I've dated.  Those of you who have known me since the beginning, remember that my last boyfriend was 42 (he's 43 or 44 now) so obviously I like them a little older.  Anyway- I called him to return some items to him and next thing I know he was able to finagle another date out of me for Monday.  Sigh.  I'm such a pushover.

Anyway, tonight I had a date with another guy- this one is from Arizona.  Interestingly enough- I met him while waiting for the 25 yo to show up last week for dinner.  I was sitting at the bar in a local restaurant waiting for youngin and this guy started talking to me and ended up asking me out.  We had a great date!  He is also in his thirties and the difference in age is sooo evident to me.  He doesn't actually live here though. :(  He commutes every week from AZ.  He flies in Monday morning at like- 8 and then leaves Friday night at 5.   We had a lot of good things to talk about and the time went by quickly.  We have date two set up for next week.  I appreciate a guy that knows how to take care of a woman- wine and dine doors for them, etc.  The thing that is so interesting to me is that these last 2 guys have really opened up to me and told me a lot about themselves.  I feel like I'm actually connecting to them on a deeper level then what normally happens on a first date.  It's happened twice now- I'm not sure if I'm just asking more questions...but something is causing these guys to open up to me.  I'm not even sure if this is normal or even good- but I kind of like it and am going with it for now.

So the conversation was good, the vibe was good, everything was good but I'm still a little cautious.  He has been married before and though it was a brief stint- he admitted to me tonight that he's bitter towards marriage.  We discussed it quite a bit- and though he makes a good argument about why it doesn't matter if people get married or not- he still didn't change my mind about things.  I want to be with someone that is willing to take that final step with me, regardless of what anyone else says.  Don't get me wrong, I'm completely aware that tonight was date one and I'm not thinking or hoping -even a little- that this guy is the one- I'm just saying- it was kind of a pink flag to me.  We'll see...

If I'm laying it all out there- there is another guy in the works as well.  The Iron Worker.  My date with him is next week too.  I'm literally lining them up lately.  He wanted to go out this weekend but there is a church conference for singles coming up and I'm going to that instead.  I'm really on the prowl these days! Ha- it's the weight loss- I'm telling you.  Brings out a new confidence in me...

Keeping the options open...


Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I know it's been over a week since my last post.  Something happened and I've been trying to decide how to process this little issue (or do I even want to address it)...

Last week I hit a new low- 135.4 on the scale.  Believe you me- it was a day of glory.  It was a day of pure joy and elation.  It was probably insane to some that I could be so happy about something so small as a # on a scale.  (don't worry that I've since gained 3 lbs back)  I don't know that I've ever felt so confident or skinny or happy in my whole life as I did that day.  It was seriously one of the happiest days of my life.  There have only been a few short moments in my life when I've touched 135, and I remember all of them.

Anyway, my roommate and I were driving in the car and I mentioned I haven't updated my blog lately.  She doesn't get to read my blog; there is actually only one person that I know in real life that I gave my blog address to that reads my blog- and I have to admit- I'm kind of disappointed I gave her my address.  I knew better, yet for some reason I gave it to her anyway, and I've since regretted that decision.  Since she began commenting to me that she was reading my blog, I realized I started censoring myself again (like I did on the last blog).  I know it's not fair to my readers and I'm sorry;  It's also not fair to me or my blog that I am constantly trying to decipher what I can and can't say on my own blog.  I should have learned the first time not to give my family and friends my blog address (I had a different blog at one point that was not anonymous and I had to quit that blog and start a new one).  Anyway, I'm getting side tracked.

So I mentioned to my roommate that I hadn't updated my blog lately (partly because blogger was having issues and partly because I was out and about celebrating my loss) and she says to me, "Good.  You need to quit that blog.  You're not a fat girl anymore.  You don't need to blog about being fat anymore.  You're a skinny, beautiful woman now- and you need to celebrate that.  Give up the blog."

Her words are still swimming around in my head and heart.

Should I quit my blog?

I haven't been able to come back and blog since; this is the first time I've touched my blog in a week.  I don't know how I feel about my blog right now.



Monday, May 9, 2011


Well, I've had another crazy weekend.

My life is so out of control right now.  Since I started the new job, my life is going in a direction I never would've imagined.  I went out with my girlfriends the other night for Cinco De Mayo and met a new guy.  He's young; 25 (for those of you who don't know- I'm 33), and so different than any type of guy that I normally date, but also refreshing and fun.  He's so nice to me- I'm a little taken aback by him.  I met him Thursday at a bar here in Huntington (a BAR out of all places- gross) and Friday night we had a date.  We went to dinner in Newport and as soon as we settled into the booth at this chic little place, I was just so excited and happy to be on a date with such a cute guy.  He made me feel so good and everything was just right; I felt cute in my outfit, we were in a super cool restaurant, I was on a date with a super cute guy... needless to say, we ended up having one of the best dates of my life.  The next day we got a wild hair and decided to drive up to the casino in Palm Springs, but once we got there- I started feeling overwhelmed.  I wanted to go home.

 Luckily for me, he was observant and noticed my mood had changed and asked me if I was uncomfortable.  I admitted that I was, and he just sat back and started talking to me (we found a little lounge in the casino) and after a few hours of just chill face to face conversation about life and us and our stories, I was able to calm back down. I am confused by this guy...I don't know why I'm confused, but I'm confused.  I like him, but it's kind of a lot right now with work and everything else and it overwhelms me because I've been single for so long and suddenly I felt like I was in a full blown relationship.  I realized after spending almost the entire weekend with him, that maybe I'm not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was.  My life is just so chaotic right now, I'm having a hard time seeing through all the dust and dirt that is flying up all around me (if that makes sense).  But he's also so cute and so cuddly and calm and nice...

The good news is- I'm loving my life right now.  I am just so happy and having so much fun.  Yes, I'm stressed to the max with work.  But from the stress I've also noticed that I have a great support team around me of people that care about me and are here to help me.  My friends, my family, my colleagues.  I'm making new friends and meeting new people and though it's chaotic- it's so fun!  For the first time in a long time, I feel like a grown woman.  I feel sexy and feminine and sure of myself...but then in other ways I'm not sure at all and still very vulnerable and scared.  I just love that I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and believe in me.

So yeah- on a workout/healthy tip- yeah...not doing that great.  I've been eating things like Taco Bell and In N Out and working out has not even been an option.  Everyday I have to remind myself that today will be the day...

Esp now that it's Monday- I feel like I'm ready to take the reigns again.  Back to Yoga and back to running!



Thursday, May 5, 2011


****Warning!  This is a long, whiny post about work and it's full of self pity and doubt.  You might gag.***

Some things happened at work yesterday and I had a mini meltdown last night.  Doesn't help that I also started my period last night too and am an emotional wreck.  While trying to console me, my roommate pointed out that my boss has been a huge emotional support to me, while he's been more of a logistical support for B because she has a boyfriend and doesn't need the emotional support.

I think she is absolutely right and I've thought a lot about this since last night.  The thing is- he can't always be an emotional support for me; I know that.  It's not appropriate.  It worked in the beginning because I was new, but now it's getting to the point where I need to stand on my own two feet.  In the beginning, he talked to me every night on the phone.  I would call him and we would go over my day and what I need to do differently, or what I need to do next, etc etc.  I didn't realize he was becoming an emotional support because it was never intended to be that, but now I miss the phone calls and the help.  I can't keep calling him though.  The question I have now is, how do I start to find confidence in myself?  How does one let go of all those around her that occasionally lift her up, and start to find her own strength so that she can lift herself up?  Especially if/when she knows she has the strength to do it.  Everyone else in the company (and in my personal life) I believe thinks I am a confident person and I don't need a lot of constant support.  Or maybe they don't; maybe they just figured if they threw me out into the deep end I would have to learn how to swim regardless so they just tossed me out already.  I feel like I'm in the deep end right now and it's that crucial moment where you have to yield the panic-stricken feelings you have and THINK...remember that you've been taught how to swim.  You KNOW how to do this- so quit fighting yourself and wrestling with your fight or flight response and start moving your arms in a deliberate fashion.  Move your legs in a deliberate movement known as kicking or you're going to end up drowning.

Am I making sense or are you confused?

I don't know if you remember what I've told you about B- she is the other girl that got hired at the same time as me, to cover the same area as me.  It has made for a very tense and complicated dynamic between the two of us.  On one hand, we've become friends because we started at the same time and went through training together and didn't know anyone else so it was fun.  We're about the same age and roughly the same size and we've just buddied right up.  On the other hand, as the boss warned me, even though she is my co-worker, she is still competition for me because we cover the same territory.  He told me not to become too close in several of our nightly chats; I listened but also let myself fall in love with mine and B's little friendship.  When we had the tradeshow last week; her and I were glued at the hip.  We felt like the more seasoned reps were kind of stepping all over us, but we had each other to lift and support.  So I guess I didn't really listen to the boss's advice like I should have.

Well, she's from a different state and pulls this whole- I'm so innocent, I don't know how to do this spiel and everybody thinks it's cute and buys into it.  I did too until yesterday.  Like I've mentioned before, I helped her our first week out; we went out and booked 3 appointments together and everyone in the office cheered because we were "such a team".  Then we had to deal with who gets the I tried to remember not to be greedy, I'd be okay, and I offered to let her figure out what she wanted to do with them because they were all closer to her house.  She took all 3 appointments and gave me nothing.  I realized the boss was right, we need to not be too close and I started trying to separate myself a little from her.

Last week we got together and separated the territory so that it would be easier for us to work together.  This way we weren't in competition, we could remain friends, and we weren't stepping on each other's toes.  Until yesterday when she snuck an appointment in "my" territory behind my back and I found out about it.

The thing is, I don't expect her to give up the appointment.  But she could have at least told me about it.  She didn't.  She's apologized several times after i called her out on it, but to me- her real nature has made itself known and I don't trust her anymore.  Why should I?  She has yet to do one thing to help me.  Plus she went behind my back and knowingly took an appointment in my territory without even so much as a "hey girl- I know this is your territory and I want to talk to you about this..." type of thing.  She straight up did. not. tell. me.

I feel so alone right now.

So yeah, I'm in the deep end, trying to believe I can do this.  I have no choice.  No support from my team.  I'm not going to call the boss and bitch; he was the one that told the call center to give her the appointment in my territory in the first place because like everyone else, he thinks she's struggling and is trying to help her.  I get it.  I need to be a big girl and go out on my own, it's just hard.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Here we go again...

I knew it was inevitable- that I would be writing this post.  I always end up doing this; those of you who have been following me for awhile know what I'm talking about.  The up and then the down...

I woke up this morning realizing that I've been running as fast as I can down a super horrible road of destruction lately.  Well, it's not like I "just realized it", I've known, I've just ignored it for awhile.  This morning it was glaring me in the face again and wouldn't rescind back into it's normal dark corner (the thoughts that I need to get a grip cuz my behavior is super self destructive and it WILL destroy everything I've spent years building if I don't stop NOW).

The question I pose to myself this morning, as usual- is..'when will I learn?'.  Why is it that when everything seems to finally be in line and perfect- I find ways to sabotage it?  I struggle and I struggle and I struggle to get it all together and then...when it's finally falling all into place..I start kicking at one of the corner stones.  When kicking doesn't work- I start picking with some kind of ax pick or something until I've destroyed the first four blocks.  My weight is a perfect example of this.  It has taken me months to get down into the 130's.  Now that I'm finally here- I let myself off the hook and last night if you would've would've found me at Del Taco, inhaling a cheesy quesadilla and fries at 12:30 am.  I haven't worked out in a week.  It is inevitable that I will rise to the 140's again if I continue this behavior, and yet, I continue to pick at the corner.

I'm sick of living cyclical.  I do so well for so long, only to inevitably throw myself into an abyss.  Why.  For months I convinced myself that I have an addictive personality and blamed it on that.  It helped for a short moment, but deep in my heart I'm not convinced of that anymore.  Seriously- I'm not in denial, I just don't think that's really the problem, it's an excuse to myself so I can put a name with a face.  There is a deeper reason in my mind; I'm not satisfied with the "I'm an addict" thing anymore.

So yeah, I woke up this morning frustrated with myself again.  Not just because of the cheesy quesadilla...that seems to be minor on the list of things that I'm doing lately to myself.  I'm not happy with myself right now.  A week ago I was happy; but you can do a lot of damage in a week, trust me, I'm learning this.  It's time to change things again.  I don't mean- change jobs or change housing...I mean change me.  Change my resolve and my focus and my determination to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life.  I am NOT going to let myself pick at the corners of the great things I've tried to build into my life.  Like I said- I finally have all the pieces in I just need to let them happen and quit sabotaging.