Monday, July 25, 2011

Keep your head up.

I finally got desperate enough to go get a serving job in a local restaurant this week.  Part of me is so excited to make quick, easy cash; even though I've been able to make enough money to get by the last four months, I'm still so far behind it will take months...possibly even years to catch back up to where I was.  Part of me feels like a failure- I went from being a working professional with a college degree to waiting tables again- like I did in high school.  The other part of me doesn't care- it's a cool upscale restaurant/bar and I know the money will be fast and good.  I hope my back doesn't kill me.  Part of me is excited to do a job with about 0 responsibility; all I have to do is bring people drinks and food; part of me is already looking for another "real" job because I loathe working nights and weekends.

I'm old to be waiting tables.  33 years old.  Too old- half the girls that work there look like they're 12 and I wonder if they're even old enough to work in a bar atmosphere.  I think I got lucky and got hired because I look younger than my age; originally I thought there was no way I'd get hired when I saw how young the other girls are.  It's making me wonder what's happening in my life.  It's so turned upside down and so insanely different than it was 4 months ago; I'm having a hard time even grasping what's happening.  The only thing keeping me sane is...believe it or not...the ocean.  I don't go in the ocean- but I love knowing that the waves are happening all day every day and nothing can stop the waves from continually licking the beach clean of all of it's imperfections.

I fell in the sand the other night.  I was running on the beach after midnight with no shoes on (no I wasn't naked this time, but still with the same guy) and I tripped and did a face plant in the sand and got a slap of sand right in my right eye and mouth.  I'm so thankful that my eye is not infected or swollen- it took two days to get all the sand out and I have no insurance.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE.

I'm just trying to be grateful for everything I've been given.  For this new job that may save me.  For my friends and family who love and support me.  For the opportunity I have to live so close to the beach and live in such a beautiful place.  I could go on but you probably won't keep reading.

So on that note- there's the latest update.  Love you all- hope you're doing better than I am.



Saturday, July 9, 2011

Am I growing or receeding?

Well, I haven't written anything cause there really just isn't anything to write about.

I think I have finally kicked all the boys to the curb and I'm ready for a new batch.  It's funny because when you're trying to kick them to the curb, they won't go.  When you decide you've changed your mind about one of them, he ends up being the jerk.  So they are all gone.

My life has changed so so so much in the last 3 months.  Lately I feel like I am really learning so much about myself and life in general.  Lately I'm trying to learn to keep myself out of "the box".  For so long I have lived my life by other people's definitions and lately I don't feel like this works for me anymore.

I guess the reason I'm thinking about this so much lately is because a friend of mine is going to AA...and a lot of the things she talks about reminds me of ARP.  I am NOT knocking these types of programs in anyway, but I kind of having a problem with labeling yourself as an alcoholic.  I know it helps people to know this about themselves so they can change.  Ultimately I quit going to ARP because I got tired of constantly having to label myself as an addict...I don't know if I'm an addict or not.  I don't care for the label.  The program helped me beyond being an addict, but trying to figure out if I was an addict constantly was annoying.  There were days I was convinced I was; and then there were days that someone convinced me I wasn't.  I still don't know if I am an addict.  I know people relate and grow through labels, but lately I don't want to be a part of it.  As my friend calls me and tells me about the things that are going on- she beats herself up if she doesn't live up to the things she's been taught about drinking thru AA.  If she has a drink, she thinks she has failed and must start all over.  This is what bothers me with labels; I don't think she's failed necessarily.  Is it good to drink if you have a problem?  No.  But does that take away everything she has ever learned in AA?  No.  I understand accountability, and I understand the need for people to have something to build up, but I don't think all is lost if you mess up occasionally.  And so this is where I am.

It's not just "alcoholism".  It's also about religion too for me right now.  As a mormon- I'm told I have to do this or do that to be a "good mormon".  If I don't do those things, or I do other things instead, I'm considered a "jack mormon".  I'm over these labels lately too.  While I'm not completely comfortable with everyone knowing my business quite yet, I also am tired feeling guilt for things that other people do everyday and it's not a big deal, but because I'm mormon, it's a big deal.  Does this discount everything I know and believe?  No.  What does it mean though? That I'm a Jack Mormon?  Does God think that?  Am I loved less because I don't believe in these labels anymore?

Anyway- just my thoughts vented out for a second.  Hope you guys are having a great weekend- I have scrubbed my floors and went grocery shopping and laid out at the beach today.  Now I'm about to go for a run and I'm happy about it.