Okay, I'm really on fire right now.
I just read a friend's recent blog post- I'm sure you all know her- Kenz (the post can be found here) about her life and her musings on what her life could've/would've been like if she was thin. This post stirred up a lot of emotion in me- I'm surprised actually at the range of emotions I've felt as I read the post. For one thing- even though I've never been 400 pounds, I could totally relate. I could relate to thinking back on my life and wondering if/knowing my life would've been different if I'd been a different weight. Even losing 20 pounds has made a VAST difference in my dating life and confidence. Men seem to notice me more, and seem to be more interested in me the thinner I get. I'm told I'm "hot" way more frequently. It sucks, but it's true. Up until recently, as a single, the whole goal was to land a man, so to me...losing weight meant having more options to choose from. Plus it gives me confidence to "feel" thinner. I feel more feminine, and I take more time to look more feminine. I am more social, more outgoing, and generally happier with as little as 20 pounds gone.
As you know, I've been dating a plethora of men lately. I went out with the Surfer Thursday night and came home pissed. I told my roommate that I'm cutting all of them. I've been dating "all of them" (there are 4 of them) for about a month and a half, and I'm starting to feel the unspoken pressure that they are all anticipating some hot, steamy sex soon. Honestly- it turns me off from all of them. No one has said anything outright, but the tone of their text messages and phone calls are different now- and I know each of them (having no idea I'm dating anyone else) thinks they're getting lucky soon. They WANT to have sex- which is completely understandable...isn't that the nature of men? They want to be attracted and they want to have sex. I'm not mad about that. I'm upset that I feel like that seems to be the only thing they're all interested in lately. No one asks me about my dreams. My goals. My fears and what I want, or what I don't want. No. Instead, I get text messages that say things like, "baby come rub my back". Or, "baby send me a hot pic". NO.
This post is a rant- so sorry if it seems random or scattered- I'm typing as I think about things.
So back to Kenz's post- yes, I feel more sexy as I lose weight, and I wonder how many more guys I would've/can go out with as I continue to tone up and get skinnier. I wonder sometimes if I've subconsciously kept weight on because I'm worried about this very thing that is happening: I meet guys that only seem to be interested in one thing and nothing else. And i don't want that. I mean I do, but with everything else- not just that. I could relate to wondering how my life would be different if I were thinner, or fatter even.
It also evoked an emotion of sadness in me. In my comment to her, I asked her why everyone in America buys into the philosophy that you must be thin to be successful or have it all. Why does all of America seem to think you must look a certain way in order to get what you want? I told her (and this is true) that I have tons of friends that are skinny and yet, they are so unhappy with themselves. Physically, emotionally, whatever- being thin does NOT equal happiness by a long shot. Yet we all keep striving for it. We're all unhappy with ourselves. I told Kenz to never EVER question the coulda/woulda/shoulda's again because the reality is- you can't go back and change things. It's a waste of energy to wish things had been different. That's not to say you can't hope for a different body or be motivated to change things in the future...but don't think about or regret the past because it can't be changed. Things happen the way they do for a reason; do you really want to keep looking back on your life and be upset? If the thoughts don't make you happy- quit thinking about it or keep trying to change it. But accept yourself for where you're at and keep working on it (this is where Kenz is now and I'm so happy for her- she will continue to succeed in her weight loss journey because she is accepting the things that have happened.)
I could continue on with my rant, but I think I'm getting spent just typing it all out. :P I guess the whole post was to say- I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy too, so i can strive for that. My biggest problem isn't my weight at the moment. But I still owe it to myself to be true and find what DOES make me happy...
Hope you made it through my thoughts...
xo-
D
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hope
Yesterday I was able to go to church for the first time in like...a month.
I know it sounds lame, but honestly I woke up excited. I knew I would hear something that would lift me and inspire me a tad bit. And I did.
Someone that I know is moving south and he offered words of advice to the "singles" of the church. To the women he said- "Don't become bitter." To the men he said- "Don't give up." Both of these thoughts inspired me- but not because I'm single and not married. Am I the only girl alive who could care less right now about being single? Possibly. Anyway- these words sunk deep into my heart regarding my job situation. I don't want to become bitter that this job thing hasn't worked out the way I was planning. I also don't want to give up (and I can't). As I was discussing further with a friend last night, he mentioned that there are people out there that, despite their situation, remain positive and upbeat, despite life's challenges. He talked about a woman who was burned alive all over her body and her blog and how so many people read her blog and follow her because, despite her challenges with having to wear special gloves and do things in a particular way because she is so mangled, she is positive and inspiring. I know a few people who are like this and it intrigues me. So many times I've said in my heart and head (and really meant it) that I can be this type of person too. But then when the waves start to crash in on life, I inevitably forget and go into panic mode.
I'm not saying this to beat on myself. I'm wondering how these people honestly do it. I know it's a mental choice, but it has to be so much more than that because I can get up and make a mental choice not to throw a pity party, but the pain still resides. How do they get rid of the pain and fear? Or how do they minimize it?
I'm inspired. The other thing I've been thinking about is that things are still progressing with all of the boys. I'm starting to get nervous- I've been dating most of these guys for about 4-5 weeks now. It feels like things are getting more serious, with all of them, and yet I still can't decide who to toss and who to keep. I also can't decide if I really like any of them (my roommate says I don't), or if I do but am just reluctant. I can't seem to let any of them go, however, it's getting more and more serious with all of them. Last night I had Michigan over to watch a movie, and two others were texting me. With one of them I was having a more serious conversation about how we need to spend a little more time together. When???? When do I have time to spend more time with any of them?? I'm with a different one every night! Last night was Michigan, tonight will be Michigan again, tomorrow night is AZ. They all complain they haven't seen me in weeks (because they haven't- I've been MIA with work). I don't know how to keep juggling this many- it has been fun but usually by now someone has fallen off. The surfer fell off finally. I could care less- though last week he was my top choice. This is all so strange...
Not to mention I've gained 6 pounds and am pissed at myself. I'm done being wild. I made a vow to step it back up- starting today. Running and yoga, here we go again. I will not keep gaining in the middle of the summer!
XO my loves-
D
Friday, June 10, 2011
Almost Homeless, but not quite
I've started looking for a new job early; the job market is crap out here in CA and I know I need all the time I can get right now. As I've been searching, I realized today that I absolutely loathe looking for a new job. I wish i could just sell a machine already so I don't have to think about it for a few days.
Yesterday my roommate decided she was done and went to turn in a 30 days notice. She couldn't take the pressure of not knowing if I would be able to pay my rent next month; I don't blame her at all. I would've done the same thing. As she was driving over to the property management office- my other friend called her to see if she could move in with us instead of us moving out. So we added a third girl to our tiny apartment in order to bring the rent down. The landlord doesn't know of course; if we would've told her- she would've raised the rent and that would've defeated the purpose of having a 3rd girl move in. Still makes me nervous to lie to the landlord though.
While I'm so thankful and I definitely feel like some of the pressure is off (now that my rent is almost half of what it was), I'm also a little anxious. Our apartment is TINY. I'm sad and nervous to cramp in as tight as we're about to cramp in. I just hope I can get on my feet soon so that if this doesn't feel like a good fit in a couple of months- I won't be forced to stay because I'm still too poor to move on. My friend and I are going to share the master, and my current roommate is going to take over the tiny room I'm in now. I am still curious as to how we're going to fit everything in this place.
It's interesting to me that during such a hard time in my life- when so many people have reached out to help me- I've never felt as alone as I do now. So many people have offered up so much to help me and I am seriously so grateful; however, at the same time- there is a feeling of such isolation and loneliness. I isolate myself because I don't want to put this on anyone else. I am dating more guys now than I have in a long time- and yet I'm completely emotionally disconnected from all of them. Same with my friends. Same with my own mother. I'm too exhausted to connect with anyone; does that make sense? I hide away from everyone because I just don't want to expose them to my fear and anxiety anymore.
This year- between the disappointment of grad school and the disappointment of trying a new dream job and not succeeding at it (so far)...it's been so tough. I'm trying to hold on and remember that when you risk everything- you stand the chance that you'll lose everything. But even at this point when I stand to lose it all- I still can't go back to the way my life was before. I risked it all because I believe that eventually- one day- I will succeed at something. I hoped (and still hope) this is it, but who knows!? It's up to God now. I can only hope and pray that he will be merciful enough to me to cut me a little slack this month. ;)
There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me! Right?! RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT????
xo my friends- sorry if this post sounds depressing. This is what my blog is for- right? To vent.
D
Yesterday my roommate decided she was done and went to turn in a 30 days notice. She couldn't take the pressure of not knowing if I would be able to pay my rent next month; I don't blame her at all. I would've done the same thing. As she was driving over to the property management office- my other friend called her to see if she could move in with us instead of us moving out. So we added a third girl to our tiny apartment in order to bring the rent down. The landlord doesn't know of course; if we would've told her- she would've raised the rent and that would've defeated the purpose of having a 3rd girl move in. Still makes me nervous to lie to the landlord though.
While I'm so thankful and I definitely feel like some of the pressure is off (now that my rent is almost half of what it was), I'm also a little anxious. Our apartment is TINY. I'm sad and nervous to cramp in as tight as we're about to cramp in. I just hope I can get on my feet soon so that if this doesn't feel like a good fit in a couple of months- I won't be forced to stay because I'm still too poor to move on. My friend and I are going to share the master, and my current roommate is going to take over the tiny room I'm in now. I am still curious as to how we're going to fit everything in this place.
It's interesting to me that during such a hard time in my life- when so many people have reached out to help me- I've never felt as alone as I do now. So many people have offered up so much to help me and I am seriously so grateful; however, at the same time- there is a feeling of such isolation and loneliness. I isolate myself because I don't want to put this on anyone else. I am dating more guys now than I have in a long time- and yet I'm completely emotionally disconnected from all of them. Same with my friends. Same with my own mother. I'm too exhausted to connect with anyone; does that make sense? I hide away from everyone because I just don't want to expose them to my fear and anxiety anymore.
This year- between the disappointment of grad school and the disappointment of trying a new dream job and not succeeding at it (so far)...it's been so tough. I'm trying to hold on and remember that when you risk everything- you stand the chance that you'll lose everything. But even at this point when I stand to lose it all- I still can't go back to the way my life was before. I risked it all because I believe that eventually- one day- I will succeed at something. I hoped (and still hope) this is it, but who knows!? It's up to God now. I can only hope and pray that he will be merciful enough to me to cut me a little slack this month. ;)
There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me. There is a bigger plan for me! Right?! RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT????
xo my friends- sorry if this post sounds depressing. This is what my blog is for- right? To vent.
D
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hardship
Well, I still haven't really sold a machine for work.
I'm stressed. Like, really really stressed about it. Most of the day I live in denial- because it seems to be the only way I can cope. Yesterday I was at the bank and I was freaking out on my banker and she ended up sneaking me a xanax so I would calm down. I finally told my boss yesterday that I am working until the 15th- if I haven't sold a machine by then, then I will be forced to quit to find something else because I HAVE to make money to pay my rent for next month. The good news is- he said 3 things. #1- he gets it. He understands that I have to do what I have to do. #2- that he is going to do everything in his power to help me make it happen. #3- that some of the other reps have either quit or been let go in my area- so hopefully that opens up some more opportunities for me in the next week.
I've been thinking a lot about this last one. Since I will not most likely just 'snag a job' right around the 15th when i need one, I am going to begin putting out my resume right now. It is literally killing me to do this because I want to do the job I'm doing so bad, but I'm too broke to keep doing it. So I've decided I'm going to go in and talk to the head honcho on the 15th, if I haven't sold anything by then. I'm going to remind him I'm the only rep left in my area- So Cal. I'm going to remind him that it's cheaper to pay me more $$ than train new reps, and that he should help me out because I'm so super close to closing a few deals right now anyway. And I'm going to kindly ask for more money. I know it sounds insane; I would NEVER normally ask for more money when I'm only 2 months into a job. But I'm the only rep left in this part of the state. The longer there is no one here to fill mine and the other reps places- the longer deals go cold and new leads don't get followed up on. I am willing to take less commission to make more salary; that's fine. I will still work. I really really hope that he is willing to listen to my side of things. Lucky for me, I've heard through the grapevine that they've already been considering upping people's pay anyway because they are having a problem keeping reps (because everyone is broke so they leave). Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I also want to take a moment to say thank you to you who have prayed for me, or even just said that you're thinking about me. It means so much. I have really really been struggling lately- faith wise. I am having a hard time understanding God's ways; I know that his ways are not my ways and his plan is not going to coincide with my plan, but the stress of not having any money takes my hope away that better things are coming. Does that make sense? The good news is my roommate finally came home the other day and was able to give me a pep talk to lift my spirits- and she really did help me quite a bit. I have been so frustrated and angry that I have forgotten to look outside my scope and remember God has bigger plans than this moment for me. It's still hard to hold on to that though and have faith as I stumble through this hardship. I acknowledge that I quit my job to pursue this opportunity. I just didn't know it was going to get this hard.
Anyway- I could cycle back to this over and over. All of the boys are still around and they're all about to get cut. I'm bored. 2 of them are pushing too hard, the other 2- the 2 I actually like, are not pushing enough. I hear from them like, once a week. I need more.
Diet wise- eh. I haven't been eating terribly, and I've been going to yoga and that's it. I don't even know the last time I went on a run, which is sad because I know the run would help me relieve stress so much. But I'm tired all the time these days, trying to just survive. I haven't gained or lost any pounds, so at least that's good. I have been drinking a ton of water- as much as I can (I've been shooting for 3 liters a day or more), and that at least keeps me hydrated and somewhat healthy. Now if I can just get back to working out...
XO my loves-
D
So I'm on to the next. Still trying to find a balance...
I'm stressed. Like, really really stressed about it. Most of the day I live in denial- because it seems to be the only way I can cope. Yesterday I was at the bank and I was freaking out on my banker and she ended up sneaking me a xanax so I would calm down. I finally told my boss yesterday that I am working until the 15th- if I haven't sold a machine by then, then I will be forced to quit to find something else because I HAVE to make money to pay my rent for next month. The good news is- he said 3 things. #1- he gets it. He understands that I have to do what I have to do. #2- that he is going to do everything in his power to help me make it happen. #3- that some of the other reps have either quit or been let go in my area- so hopefully that opens up some more opportunities for me in the next week.
I've been thinking a lot about this last one. Since I will not most likely just 'snag a job' right around the 15th when i need one, I am going to begin putting out my resume right now. It is literally killing me to do this because I want to do the job I'm doing so bad, but I'm too broke to keep doing it. So I've decided I'm going to go in and talk to the head honcho on the 15th, if I haven't sold anything by then. I'm going to remind him I'm the only rep left in my area- So Cal. I'm going to remind him that it's cheaper to pay me more $$ than train new reps, and that he should help me out because I'm so super close to closing a few deals right now anyway. And I'm going to kindly ask for more money. I know it sounds insane; I would NEVER normally ask for more money when I'm only 2 months into a job. But I'm the only rep left in this part of the state. The longer there is no one here to fill mine and the other reps places- the longer deals go cold and new leads don't get followed up on. I am willing to take less commission to make more salary; that's fine. I will still work. I really really hope that he is willing to listen to my side of things. Lucky for me, I've heard through the grapevine that they've already been considering upping people's pay anyway because they are having a problem keeping reps (because everyone is broke so they leave). Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I also want to take a moment to say thank you to you who have prayed for me, or even just said that you're thinking about me. It means so much. I have really really been struggling lately- faith wise. I am having a hard time understanding God's ways; I know that his ways are not my ways and his plan is not going to coincide with my plan, but the stress of not having any money takes my hope away that better things are coming. Does that make sense? The good news is my roommate finally came home the other day and was able to give me a pep talk to lift my spirits- and she really did help me quite a bit. I have been so frustrated and angry that I have forgotten to look outside my scope and remember God has bigger plans than this moment for me. It's still hard to hold on to that though and have faith as I stumble through this hardship. I acknowledge that I quit my job to pursue this opportunity. I just didn't know it was going to get this hard.
Anyway- I could cycle back to this over and over. All of the boys are still around and they're all about to get cut. I'm bored. 2 of them are pushing too hard, the other 2- the 2 I actually like, are not pushing enough. I hear from them like, once a week. I need more.
Diet wise- eh. I haven't been eating terribly, and I've been going to yoga and that's it. I don't even know the last time I went on a run, which is sad because I know the run would help me relieve stress so much. But I'm tired all the time these days, trying to just survive. I haven't gained or lost any pounds, so at least that's good. I have been drinking a ton of water- as much as I can (I've been shooting for 3 liters a day or more), and that at least keeps me hydrated and somewhat healthy. Now if I can just get back to working out...
XO my loves-
D
So I'm on to the next. Still trying to find a balance...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
My Men.
I decided to finally post something- though I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about.
Here's the thing- like I told you guys before- my life is getting out of hand. I want to tell you all of the things that are happening- but I'm scared to because there is ONE person that reads my blog that knows me in real life- and I'm not ready for her to know everything. I'm pissed at myself that I let her have the address to my blog. I know this is MY blog, and I can talk about what I want to- but easier said than done- right? You know what I'm talking about. If you have (or had) someone following your blog that knows you in real life and could tell everyone else what you're really up to, well...you would be hesitant too.
Anyway- so I'll give you a brief rundown of a few things that I CAN talk about...
I am so broke. I still have not sold a machine. I have come super close several times but since it has not actually happened yet, I have not made any money since March. I am at my wits end with this situation. I don't know what to do. I have looked around but there are NO jobs here in California. I am scared that I may have to move home to Oklahoma and that terrifies and depresses the hell out of me. So I keep working my ass off and hoping and praying that soon something will happen. It has to happen like- NOW. NOW because I haven't paid my car payment, I haven't paid any of my bills, and I'm late on my rent. Yes, today is the 1st. My mom is sending me a few dollars to help me (she has NOTHING and I feel horrible borrowing even this little bit) but it won't get here til the 3rd. I haven't told my roommate yet.
I went on another date last night- The surfer. He's 25 and adorable. He works construction during the day- he's a framer. He's a painter in his spare time and the man is an artist. He has a 2 bedroom apartment and a dog and he cooks; he cooks for me. :) He has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen and constantly tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous. He gives me tiny kisses constantly on the neck and lips and I don't know why, but as soon as I'm around him I turn to mush in about 30 seconds. I hate/love it.
Behind him is Arizona. Arizona is the one in his 30's. He lives in AZ but commutes here for work. He is the closest to my age and is the most relaxed of all the boys, which helps me stay relaxed. He is so fun- every date we go on is so so so fun. All we do is giggle and laugh from the minute we get together to the minute he drops me off. He finally kissed me last week towards the end of our date, but it's little kisses here and there- it's not the typical- I kiss you once and then I try to make out with you the rest of the night- type of thing. He is respectful and we have good conversation. He calls me sexy and makes me feel good. He also doesn't hound me; I have my space and I love it.
Then there are three more- but they are all tied for 3rd place and none of them are doing very well. Two of them are in their 20's and somewhat needy.
Yoga is going well, my weight is slowly coming back down again. 137.2 as of this morning. I'm ready to get back down to 135 and below- that was where I felt the most comfortable and cute. Of course it's not hard right now because I am so poor I don't have any money for food or gas so...
Blah- got to get back to work. Hope you're having a wonderful day! I have been reading up on a few blogs and I love how hard everyone is working on their weight loss and love of life. I hope to be joining you all soon (getting back to "affording" life)...
xoxoxo
D
Here's the thing- like I told you guys before- my life is getting out of hand. I want to tell you all of the things that are happening- but I'm scared to because there is ONE person that reads my blog that knows me in real life- and I'm not ready for her to know everything. I'm pissed at myself that I let her have the address to my blog. I know this is MY blog, and I can talk about what I want to- but easier said than done- right? You know what I'm talking about. If you have (or had) someone following your blog that knows you in real life and could tell everyone else what you're really up to, well...you would be hesitant too.
Anyway- so I'll give you a brief rundown of a few things that I CAN talk about...
I am so broke. I still have not sold a machine. I have come super close several times but since it has not actually happened yet, I have not made any money since March. I am at my wits end with this situation. I don't know what to do. I have looked around but there are NO jobs here in California. I am scared that I may have to move home to Oklahoma and that terrifies and depresses the hell out of me. So I keep working my ass off and hoping and praying that soon something will happen. It has to happen like- NOW. NOW because I haven't paid my car payment, I haven't paid any of my bills, and I'm late on my rent. Yes, today is the 1st. My mom is sending me a few dollars to help me (she has NOTHING and I feel horrible borrowing even this little bit) but it won't get here til the 3rd. I haven't told my roommate yet.
I went on another date last night- The surfer. He's 25 and adorable. He works construction during the day- he's a framer. He's a painter in his spare time and the man is an artist. He has a 2 bedroom apartment and a dog and he cooks; he cooks for me. :) He has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen and constantly tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous. He gives me tiny kisses constantly on the neck and lips and I don't know why, but as soon as I'm around him I turn to mush in about 30 seconds. I hate/love it.
Behind him is Arizona. Arizona is the one in his 30's. He lives in AZ but commutes here for work. He is the closest to my age and is the most relaxed of all the boys, which helps me stay relaxed. He is so fun- every date we go on is so so so fun. All we do is giggle and laugh from the minute we get together to the minute he drops me off. He finally kissed me last week towards the end of our date, but it's little kisses here and there- it's not the typical- I kiss you once and then I try to make out with you the rest of the night- type of thing. He is respectful and we have good conversation. He calls me sexy and makes me feel good. He also doesn't hound me; I have my space and I love it.
Then there are three more- but they are all tied for 3rd place and none of them are doing very well. Two of them are in their 20's and somewhat needy.
Yoga is going well, my weight is slowly coming back down again. 137.2 as of this morning. I'm ready to get back down to 135 and below- that was where I felt the most comfortable and cute. Of course it's not hard right now because I am so poor I don't have any money for food or gas so...
Blah- got to get back to work. Hope you're having a wonderful day! I have been reading up on a few blogs and I love how hard everyone is working on their weight loss and love of life. I hope to be joining you all soon (getting back to "affording" life)...
xoxoxo
D
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm a serial dater.
Hi blog loves...
I'm back. Like I could really stay away- please. Thank you all so much for your support and your willingness to just let me vent and make my own decisions. Let's be honest- we all know I wouldn't really close down my blog (I love blogging), I just needed to process the events that have happened in the last week or so. Anyway- now let's get on to the juice.
I had another date tonight. The last one? Well...he was 25. I'm 33. Let's just say we're in different places. Before him, I can't even remember the last guy in his 20's that I've dated. Those of you who have known me since the beginning, remember that my last boyfriend was 42 (he's 43 or 44 now) so obviously I like them a little older. Anyway- I called him to return some items to him and next thing I know he was able to finagle another date out of me for Monday. Sigh. I'm such a pushover.
Anyway, tonight I had a date with another guy- this one is from Arizona. Interestingly enough- I met him while waiting for the 25 yo to show up last week for dinner. I was sitting at the bar in a local restaurant waiting for youngin and this guy started talking to me and ended up asking me out. We had a great date! He is also in his thirties and the difference in age is sooo evident to me. He doesn't actually live here though. :( He commutes every week from AZ. He flies in Monday morning at like- 8 and then leaves Friday night at 5. We had a lot of good things to talk about and the time went by quickly. We have date two set up for next week. I appreciate a guy that knows how to take care of a woman- wine and dine them...open doors for them, etc. The thing that is so interesting to me is that these last 2 guys have really opened up to me and told me a lot about themselves. I feel like I'm actually connecting to them on a deeper level then what normally happens on a first date. It's happened twice now- I'm not sure if I'm just asking more questions...but something is causing these guys to open up to me. I'm not even sure if this is normal or even good- but I kind of like it and am going with it for now.
So the conversation was good, the vibe was good, everything was good but I'm still a little cautious. He has been married before and though it was a brief stint- he admitted to me tonight that he's bitter towards marriage. We discussed it quite a bit- and though he makes a good argument about why it doesn't matter if people get married or not- he still didn't change my mind about things. I want to be with someone that is willing to take that final step with me, regardless of what anyone else says. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely aware that tonight was date one and I'm not thinking or hoping -even a little- that this guy is the one- I'm just saying- it was kind of a pink flag to me. We'll see...
If I'm laying it all out there- there is another guy in the works as well. The Iron Worker. My date with him is next week too. I'm literally lining them up lately. He wanted to go out this weekend but there is a church conference for singles coming up and I'm going to that instead. I'm really on the prowl these days! Ha- it's the weight loss- I'm telling you. Brings out a new confidence in me...
Keeping the options open...
D
I'm back. Like I could really stay away- please. Thank you all so much for your support and your willingness to just let me vent and make my own decisions. Let's be honest- we all know I wouldn't really close down my blog (I love blogging), I just needed to process the events that have happened in the last week or so. Anyway- now let's get on to the juice.
I had another date tonight. The last one? Well...he was 25. I'm 33. Let's just say we're in different places. Before him, I can't even remember the last guy in his 20's that I've dated. Those of you who have known me since the beginning, remember that my last boyfriend was 42 (he's 43 or 44 now) so obviously I like them a little older. Anyway- I called him to return some items to him and next thing I know he was able to finagle another date out of me for Monday. Sigh. I'm such a pushover.
Anyway, tonight I had a date with another guy- this one is from Arizona. Interestingly enough- I met him while waiting for the 25 yo to show up last week for dinner. I was sitting at the bar in a local restaurant waiting for youngin and this guy started talking to me and ended up asking me out. We had a great date! He is also in his thirties and the difference in age is sooo evident to me. He doesn't actually live here though. :( He commutes every week from AZ. He flies in Monday morning at like- 8 and then leaves Friday night at 5. We had a lot of good things to talk about and the time went by quickly. We have date two set up for next week. I appreciate a guy that knows how to take care of a woman- wine and dine them...open doors for them, etc. The thing that is so interesting to me is that these last 2 guys have really opened up to me and told me a lot about themselves. I feel like I'm actually connecting to them on a deeper level then what normally happens on a first date. It's happened twice now- I'm not sure if I'm just asking more questions...but something is causing these guys to open up to me. I'm not even sure if this is normal or even good- but I kind of like it and am going with it for now.
So the conversation was good, the vibe was good, everything was good but I'm still a little cautious. He has been married before and though it was a brief stint- he admitted to me tonight that he's bitter towards marriage. We discussed it quite a bit- and though he makes a good argument about why it doesn't matter if people get married or not- he still didn't change my mind about things. I want to be with someone that is willing to take that final step with me, regardless of what anyone else says. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely aware that tonight was date one and I'm not thinking or hoping -even a little- that this guy is the one- I'm just saying- it was kind of a pink flag to me. We'll see...
If I'm laying it all out there- there is another guy in the works as well. The Iron Worker. My date with him is next week too. I'm literally lining them up lately. He wanted to go out this weekend but there is a church conference for singles coming up and I'm going to that instead. I'm really on the prowl these days! Ha- it's the weight loss- I'm telling you. Brings out a new confidence in me...
Keeping the options open...
D
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hiatus.
I know it's been over a week since my last post. Something happened and I've been trying to decide how to process this little issue (or do I even want to address it)...
Last week I hit a new low- 135.4 on the scale. Believe you me- it was a day of glory. It was a day of pure joy and elation. It was probably insane to some that I could be so happy about something so small as a # on a scale. (don't worry that I've since gained 3 lbs back) I don't know that I've ever felt so confident or skinny or happy in my whole life as I did that day. It was seriously one of the happiest days of my life. There have only been a few short moments in my life when I've touched 135, and I remember all of them.
Anyway, my roommate and I were driving in the car and I mentioned I haven't updated my blog lately. She doesn't get to read my blog; there is actually only one person that I know in real life that I gave my blog address to that reads my blog- and I have to admit- I'm kind of disappointed I gave her my address. I knew better, yet for some reason I gave it to her anyway, and I've since regretted that decision. Since she began commenting to me that she was reading my blog, I realized I started censoring myself again (like I did on the last blog). I know it's not fair to my readers and I'm sorry; It's also not fair to me or my blog that I am constantly trying to decipher what I can and can't say on my own blog. I should have learned the first time not to give my family and friends my blog address (I had a different blog at one point that was not anonymous and I had to quit that blog and start a new one). Anyway, I'm getting side tracked.
So I mentioned to my roommate that I hadn't updated my blog lately (partly because blogger was having issues and partly because I was out and about celebrating my loss) and she says to me, "Good. You need to quit that blog. You're not a fat girl anymore. You don't need to blog about being fat anymore. You're a skinny, beautiful woman now- and you need to celebrate that. Give up the blog."
Her words are still swimming around in my head and heart.
Should I quit my blog?
I haven't been able to come back and blog since; this is the first time I've touched my blog in a week. I don't know how I feel about my blog right now.
XO-
D
Last week I hit a new low- 135.4 on the scale. Believe you me- it was a day of glory. It was a day of pure joy and elation. It was probably insane to some that I could be so happy about something so small as a # on a scale. (don't worry that I've since gained 3 lbs back) I don't know that I've ever felt so confident or skinny or happy in my whole life as I did that day. It was seriously one of the happiest days of my life. There have only been a few short moments in my life when I've touched 135, and I remember all of them.
Anyway, my roommate and I were driving in the car and I mentioned I haven't updated my blog lately. She doesn't get to read my blog; there is actually only one person that I know in real life that I gave my blog address to that reads my blog- and I have to admit- I'm kind of disappointed I gave her my address. I knew better, yet for some reason I gave it to her anyway, and I've since regretted that decision. Since she began commenting to me that she was reading my blog, I realized I started censoring myself again (like I did on the last blog). I know it's not fair to my readers and I'm sorry; It's also not fair to me or my blog that I am constantly trying to decipher what I can and can't say on my own blog. I should have learned the first time not to give my family and friends my blog address (I had a different blog at one point that was not anonymous and I had to quit that blog and start a new one). Anyway, I'm getting side tracked.
So I mentioned to my roommate that I hadn't updated my blog lately (partly because blogger was having issues and partly because I was out and about celebrating my loss) and she says to me, "Good. You need to quit that blog. You're not a fat girl anymore. You don't need to blog about being fat anymore. You're a skinny, beautiful woman now- and you need to celebrate that. Give up the blog."
Her words are still swimming around in my head and heart.
Should I quit my blog?
I haven't been able to come back and blog since; this is the first time I've touched my blog in a week. I don't know how I feel about my blog right now.
XO-
D
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