Beast.

Ugh I've been putting off writing this post because I have so much to share.  SO MUCH. Ugh.

In order to keep the post somewhat condensed, I'm going to avoid talking about the weekend festivities.  Just know I had an awesome weekend- which was to be expected because it was Hallloween.  I did not have any sugar- I'm on day 19 of no sugar.

What I really want to talk about is my ARP meeting that I went to last night.  My normal meeting is on Thursday nights, but there was a meeting yesterday, and since I was working last Thursday night, I opted to go to the meeting last night.  It was different because, it was a group of 10-12 people, all struggling with either sugar addiction or compulsive over eating, or something food related.  It was one of the best meetings I've ever been to; it was one of the hardest meetings I've ever been to.  So many people were crying.  Our addictions are real; and they are hard.  To me, these addictions are especially hard because I feel like out in the "real world", no one else sees these problems as problems.  Eat! Drink! Be Merry! Right?  

But in reality, people are silently suffering.  They are in their kitchens while their husbands are in the shower- stuffing as much toast and jam in their mouth as fast as they can before he gets out and catches them.  They are locked in their rooms with a stash of secret candy because they don't want to be judged by their roommates.  They are sitting in their cars in a fast food establishment's parking lot, stuffing down food when they're not even hungry.  They are stuffing stuffing stuffing- and they are doing it alone.  Silently.  Alone.

And then they hate themselves.  They hate that they can't control their emotions; their bodies.  They're embarrassed and that's why they hide.  There is all this self loathing and hatred.  There's no control and they're mad that they so easily let go of their control.  Sometimes they might punish themselves; mostly they just disintegrate into a sea of self loathing and pity; despair. Fear. Denial.  What else?

It's really hard to admit you have a problem, let alone start taking steps for 'recovery'.  I respect these people so much.  I wanted to hug so many of them.  When it was my turn to share, I talked about the void I feel; the one that I don't know why it's there or where it came from, or how I'm supposed to get rid of it when I don't even know why it's there in the first place.  How, for so long sugar filled it- how it literally can melt away negative feelings and turn them into happy ones...but now that sugar is gone- how I'm struggling to learn to overcome these feelings by myself.  I know that I will overcome these feelings and this addiction, but it's one step at a time and sometimes we want to just be healed.  We don't want to go through the process.  The process is the hard part...but yet so necessary.  Every person in that room was struggling with some MAJOR issues in their lives- or they were struggling with past issues that haven't been resolved yet.  To see that I am not alone in this seriously strengthened me so much.  I know I have this blog, and friends and followers who support me- and I am so grateful.  But I still feel so much that I am doing this alone- and that makes it hard.  Last night I didn't feel alone.  I was able to relate- and be related to.  Someone else understood how easy and hard this is, because they are doing it too.  Some have relapsed; some are starting over; some had easier weeks than the rest of us.  But we were all there- together.  Learning, and lifting each other up.

I think it's never too late to change.  You can change your life at any age- no matter where you are.  Right now, you can start changing.  I still have hope and faith that God will help me become the girl I'm meant to be and want to be- and help me overcome my addictions and weaknesses.

A woman called me afterwards to thank me for sharing and offer support and it meant so much to me that someone would actually track down my phone number and call me.  I cannot believe the ways in which I'm changing and growing from these classes and the experiences I'm having right now.  I am so blessed and so grateful for the things I'm learning.  I am stronger than I ever could've been on my own because of these classes and these people and God.  Every day I'm literally shocked that I'm still going; every day I'm so grateful that I'm still going.  I know I may relapse at any moment- but so far I've made it.  And if I relapse, hopefully I can forgive myself, pick myself back up, and try again.  It's in the process, not the end result- where true change happens.

I promise I will add some pictures from the weekend so that you can see my costume- I just have to take a few extra steps to scratch my face from the pictures and then I'll upload them.  Please be patient with me!  Will add soon!  

xoxo-

D

SCARYYYYY

I mean...who am I???


I got up this morning and went running at 5:10 am.  Who does that?  Especially when there's no reason to?  I don't have to be up early for work or anything.  I just woke up and was like..."uh...it's 5 am.  WTH!  I can either go back to sleep, or i can get up and start my day.  I think I'll start my day."  And I did.  Don't get me wrong, I've worked out every other day- it's not like I can't fit it in later.  I just wanted to get it done- so I did it. ;)  I went for a run and came home, took a hot hot shower, and got going.  I'm pretty pleased with myself, if I do say so myself.  I ended up having a VERY full day of work because I was awake and ready to go by the time it was work time.

It's been 16 days since I've had sugar.  I am struggling today.  I think TOM is coming.  I keep eating in attempts to stop the cravings, but the cravings won't stop.  I finally had to quit eating because I'm running out of things to eat and I know I can't really be hungry- I'm just having an eternal craving that won't go away.  I literally had to stop myself and ask- are you hungry?  Cause I keep thinking I'm hungry.  But being snacky isn't helping- so whether I'm hungry or not- I've eaten plenty today and need to chill for awhile.  I'm wearing the martian outfit tonight and CANNOT be bloated.  Day one of the martian costume about to commence in T minus 4 hours...

My neighbor came over today to chat- I haven't seen him since before he left for HI to propose to his girlfriend.  We always talk about relationships because he is the relationship guy- he's written several books on relationships.  I would tell you who he is- you probably know him- he's been on CNN and the Today Show and every other show out there, but I can't.  Not only for his confidentiality, but for mine too- I'm anonymous!!  Anyway, he said a few things to me that I've been mulling over.  First of all, I need to set the stage a little more for you: Coke- my bestie is here, of course.  She recently had a break up and the neighbor has been kind of coaching her along.  So they were talking about relationships and I came out and we started chatting and he says, "I can't wait for you to meet someone, D.  He's going to be a great catch- and you're going to be swept off your feet.  And so happy."  Which of course, I loved.  Coke followed that with, "I know right!  I wonder all the time why she's single; she's so awesome.  I don't get it- but I know she's going to meet someone soon..."  Which I also appreciated.

All of this so far was great...I was loving it (my neighbor is really hot btw).  Then he says, "I just want to make sure- to clarify- you do get dressed up and stuff when you go out though...right?  I mean, I know you love sweats, and no make up and stuff...but guys do like girls that are dressed up and cute.  I'm not talking slutty or anything- but you know, sexy."  I stared at him- shocked.  I didn't know what to say.  Um..yes neighbor...I get dressed up; Thanks.  I also put on makeup everyday.  I know you may not see it because I tend to keep to a more natural look during the day, but I have eyeliner and mascara on right now.  Thank you.  Are you saying I'm plain?  Or not sexy enough- cause I'm not sure what you mean.  Coke wasn't saying anything; suddenly something on the ground was looking super interesting because she kept kicking whatever it was around with her toe.  "Of course" I mumbled.  "Okay great- I just wanted to make sure. I mean, you're beautiful, but like I said, guys appreciate a girl that gets dressed up occasionally..." he trailed off.

I guess I need to try harder.

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEN!!!! I'll post pics once I have them. :)

xoxoxoxo

D

Sponsor = Savior

I know it's only been a few hours- but I just had an epiphany (thanks to my sponsor) and I felt I should give you guys an update.

I called my girl and asked her if she would be my sponsor.  She accepted, of course.  I love her.

We started chatting about how hard this is and how initially I laughed at having a "sponsor"...but then our conversation took a more serious turn and I told her how I feel like I've been mourning the loss of my beloved.  My friend Sugar- who has been there with me since the beginning.  Blah blah.  Then she said this to me:  "Of course it's hard; when we see other's celebrating, we can't participate in the celebration the same way.  My son just had his 40th birthday and I couldn't have cake with the rest of the family- so yes.  It's hard.  But D- you can still have joy.  You can find joy without sugar- it's possible."

I almost started bawling on the spot.

It was exactly what I needed to hear- right at the right moment.  I CAN have joy!  I CAN be happy without sugar!!!!

I've always known this, of course.  But I've forgotten.  I was so caught up with the denial and the abstinence, that I've forgotten...

I feel so free right now!

I'm going to the gym.  I just had one of the healthiest lunches in a long time.  I feel refreshed; energized.  I am going to a new meeting on Sunday at 5- with my sponsor.  She is driving with me since it's at a different location than the one I go to now.  What would I do without her?  She knows my struggle.  She is my friend.  She is helping me get through this.

-D

Last words..

Yesterday I realized for the first time how truly addicted to sugar I really am.  

I was driving in my car thinking, "for sure today is the day (I break down and have sugar)".  I just knew it was the day.  I was depressed about something else entirely and started thinking about how hard this really is getting.  I thought it was hard the first few days, but now...after it's all out of my system, it's really getting hard.  Not because I crave it.  But because it was a mental crutch for so long.  My whole life pretty much.  If I needed a pick me up- treat.  If I wanted to celebrate- treat!  If I was bored- treat.  The treats never stopped coming, until one day they did.  Now I have nothing to lean on- and even though I know what I'm doing is the right thing- I'm depressed about it.  It's so hard to actually deal with shit once you don't have your 'go to' crutch.  I don't know why- but I mourn the loss of sugar- seriously.  I know that's a funny sentence...but I'm dead serious.  I'm mourning the loss of one of my most dearest beloveds.  How do you not mourn that loss?

I was complaining to my mother about it (I'm so thankful she answered the phone!), and even she wasn't understanding.  "You need a treat" she said.  "It's been almost two weeks.  Get some sugar free jello..." she started..."Mom you don't get it.  I've had treats without sugar.  It's not the same.  Having a treat, whether sugar free or not, is not the solution."  I wanted her to understand so badly.  I'm not even sure I'm making sense to YOU guys, let alone her or anyone else.  It's not about the treat.  Of course I can have a treat.  But I can't substitute a sugar free treat for a regular treat- that's still using a crutch.  I need to learn to walk without crutches.

I'm so thankful for the gym in the last 2 weeks.  If it weren't for that damn stairmaster (I NEVER thought I'd be saying this) to get me through, I know I would've caved by now.  

I know it shouldn't be depressing- I should be elated- I'm overcoming my addiction.  But it kind of makes sense to me that depression is part of the healing process.  You're giving up something you love.  Sugar has been proven to release opiates in the brain just as heroin or any other drug does.  How have I released any opiates in the last few weeks?  Have I even?  I don't know.  Maybe from the gym I hope.  My whole life, I've carelessly released opiates with sugar's help, and now I can't do that anymore.  

I will still trudge forward though.  Things are getting better- despite the pitiful tone of this post.  Today I am not nearly as depressed as I was yesterday; I am getting better.  I'm just really sick of my job today which isn't helping anything- but at least my weight is still down and my body physically feels great.  I'm so much more energetic and less tired, even later in the evenings, than normal.  It's crazy weird, but so nice.  Hopefully I will continue to lose weight on this journey.  Yesterday I started journaling my foods again.  I go to the gym everyday.  I am eating so many healthy, yummy foods that are good for my body- and I feel so good about that. 

The sad news is- tomorrow night I have to work.  Tomorrow night is my addiction recovery class.  I'm freaking out.  I want to go so badly- I need to go so badly.  I have to work though.  I think what I'll do is call the girl that I've designated as my sponsor and find out where the other classes meet, and just go to another class this week that is different than my own.  It will be different people, but that's okay- it's progress.  I don't think I can make it another week without the class.  I picked the girl that inspired me to do this as my sponsor because she has gone 70 days without sugar and I feel like she gets me more than anyone at this point...or at least what I'm going through.  I am so thankful to her for everything she's done for me- she has helped me so much in actually taking the step to begin the process to kick this thing.

Whew!  A lot on my mind.  I think this might be one of the last posts about the sugar thing.  I'm don't want to obsess about this- it's just another step in the process.  Even if I'm obsessing, I don't feel like it's healthy to dwell on it constantly.  I need to accept that this is my life now and even as I continue through it and make it "normal" for me, I want to just focus on the things that make me happy and keep me uplifted.  

So thank you for reading!  Seriously- you guys don't know how much you are helping me with your comments.  I look forward to and am so thankful for every word written.  You really do give me added strength. :)  

Xoxo-

D

I hate ghosts.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I think I'm over sugar- only to be constantly tempted by it again.  I know I've dragged on and on in every post about it- but it seriously consumes my life at the moment- so it has to naturally consume all of my posts too.  Feel free to skip this post if you're tired of hearing about it.

In my church- Monday night is usually the night set aside for FHE- family home evening.  It's a night designated once a week for families to do something together.  As single people, we don't have families of our own so the church has activities for the singles to come and participate in a group FHE.  It's a nice way for the singles to mingle and try to meet someone.  I am on the committee for FHE- and every Monday we have something for the singles to do, ranging from service projects to yoga.  Some of the activities obviously correlate with whatever time of year it is.  Last night was pumpkin carving and frosting Halloween cookies.  This is the 4th night in a row where sugar was RIGHT in my face.  Friday night was Haunted Hayride in LA- we ate at In N Out before the ride and had frozen yogurt/hot chocolate afterwards...I had none of course.  Sat night was the sleepover for my friend's birthday; I already told you about that night.  Sunday night was the pumpkin bar fiasco (Sunday night is always treat night- if you're not making treats at home, there's usually a dessert party somewhere close by you can hit up), and last night was FHE- frosting sugar cookies.  We did frosting sugar cookies around Valentine's Day back in February and delivered them to a local nursing home and it was a huge success; so I wasn't surprised when it came up as another activity.

Even though I've made it through every other night successfully, last night was really hard.  Really really hard.  I didn't have any cookies or frosting or anything, but I am starting to get tired of always having it right in my face.  I feel like every night I'm headed into a battlezone.  I didn't think when I entered the house last night that I would have such a fight; especially with the feeling of pride about how far I've come- but it only took a matter of seconds to smell the sugar cookies and see all of the cute sugar decor to sprinkle on the cookies after frosting them before I realized I was in a full blown war.

Last night my friend Pete, who has no idea that I'm abstaining from sugar, tried to make me a cookie.  A little gray ghost with red eyes and a pissed off mouth.  I thanked him, but declined.  He tried to show me how cute the ghost was before I finally convinced him to stuff the damn ghost in his own mouth and leave me alone.  Then Bryan brought me a cookie.  Bryan knows I'm not having sugar, so I just glared at him until he remembered.  I watched him eat three more cookies before he was finally satisfied.  Person after person visited the sugar cookie table and made cookies for themselves while I stewed in the kitchen, watching.  I didn't know what to do with myself;the pumpkin carving had not begun yet so I had nothing to do.  I felt so out of place and weird.  It was everywhere; candy bars, candy corn, and sugar cookies and frosting were strewn out everywhere.  I took to making grilled cheese sandwiches in the kitchen for anyone who wanted one- just to give my hands something to do.  Yes- I tried to leave in the beginning but the FHE president insisted I stay and since I haven't been to any FHE's in months, I knew she was right- I owed it to her to stay and help.

I wasn't aware before- how much it consumes our lives.  Driving down the street yesterday, I was stuck behind a semi-truck that had pictures of Dreyer's ice cream on the side of it.  Even when I'm driving it's in my face.

Am I being overly dramatic?  Probably.  Do I care? No.  This is a hard battle.  But I made it one more day.

12 days and counting...

D

Sugar Free and Happy

Hello my little jelly beans!

Well...what can I tell you?  I have been thinking about you all day.  Thank you all so much for the kind supportive comments on my last post.  I'll have you all know I didn't have a LICK or a BITE or ANYTHING of any kind last night (of sugar).  It felt really good and I think my roommate finally realized I'm serious about this.  She came in my bathroom this morning while I was getting ready and actually acknowledged, without me mentioning a word, how hard it must be to abstain when there are treats all over our house- to which I kindly informed her that it's not hard at all anymore because the physical cravings are gone.  This- of course- is only a semi-true statement.  The physical cravings ARE gone- but I still struggle mentally.  Isn't that where the true addiction lies anyway?  You can quit caffeine and go through these horrible headache cycles and then finally clear the physical withdrawals...only to go back to coke a week later.  Or same with alcohol.  Get over the physical hangover and still have another drink another day, after you swore it off forever.  It's the mental addiction that is the hardest part of any addiction to break- and that is probably the one I'll be fighting for the rest of my life.  However, I'm starting to believe in myself.  It's been almost 2 weeks (Thursday).  I can't believe I've made it as long as I have.  I've never gone this long before.  And while it's still a slippery slope and I'm scared almost every day, wondering if today will be the day, I'm still climbing. Steadily climbing.

She also mentioned that she can tell I'm losing weight. :)  I can tell, and I'm super happy.  It's coming off the middle- and the exciting thing about it is- I'm not even trying that hard.  I really haven't been on a diet because I've been so consumed with just making sure that I'm not inhaling sugar.  I have allowed myself to pretty much eat whatever I want, and as much as I want, as long as it doesn't have sugar in it- and as long as I'm not uncomfortably full.  I lost 4 pounds in the last 1.5 weeks, and the exciting news is- I kept it off through the weekend. Anyone who knows me will tell you I always lose weight during the week, only to put it back on during the weekend.  But not now!

In other news...I'm bored with my job and on the hunt again.  It's not that I don't have a great job- I do.  There are times that I swear I will never leave.  There are also times that I start looking around- because I get burned out.  Right now is one of those times.  I did a few visits today and did a few emails, and ended up at lunch with another recruiter from another school.  He kept trying to convince me to come work at his school- but I like my school.  If I'm going to do this job- it might as well be on my team at my job.  But I don't want to be a recruiter forever- it's not my dream- you know?  I don't even know how I got into recruiting- I started out in marketing but graduated in English with dreams of being a writer.  I know I'm not the best, but if I actually have a focus and a purpose, I can write something decent.

Lastly- this other recruiter.  I'm not sure why he asked me to lunch- I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me.  He kept telling me though that he's attracted to me and that I'm very beautiful.  It was very sweet, but kind of depressing too.  Most of the guys I go out with don't do this; I think it's a cultural thing.  I will talk about it more some other time- right now it's still too fresh to analyze and I don't have the right words to describe to you guys what happened.  All I can say (without getting too in depth) is that I've been here before- with guys like this- and it kind of depresses me.

Anyway- I'm going to the gym- I can't stand another second today.  LOVE YOU GUYS!!

SUGAR FREE AND HAPPY!!!

D

Celebrate good times..

I have things to celebrate, and things to bitch about in this post today.  I hope I can get it all out there.

Celebration:  Last night was a friend of mine's 30th birthday party celebration.  Since she's single, her friends decided to throw an old school slumber party for her at my other friend's parents beach house.  We played games, sat around and chatted a bunch and bonded (there were about 15 girls there), and of course- there were about a zillion treats there.  All of the birthday girls favorite treats were there. But I did not have a single thing with sugar in it.  So basically I ate some lime flavored tortilla chips.  But I'm seriously so proud of myself!  It was so hard but I conquered!  I feel like if I can say no to pumpkin cheesecake and ice cream, chocolate turtle love, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, whipped cream, coke ice cream floats, and caramels (among many, MANY other things), I can say no to anything.  I ended up having to leave though because at one point I thought for sure I was going to crack.  I started drinking diet coke in order to give my hands something to do...and with DC and Coke Zero comes massive cravings, so I had to eventually bounce.  BUT I DID IT.

Today I came home after church and my roommate and bestie Coke and I started talking about watching a movie and treats.  I had a little bag of kettle corn and my roommate started making pumpkin bars.  She flat out asked me to have one.  I said no.  I just looked at her and said, I'm sorry but it's been 1.5 weeks and I don't want any right now.  To which she said that she was proud of me, but also told me that it's okay every once in awhile.  For her it's okay every once in awhile, I agree- but right now I'm on a roll and I don't want anything with sugar in it.  Everyone knows it.  Even people I haven't told are now starting to catch on- because basically I'm not eating anything when we're in public anymore- because it's always crap that's sugary.  All of our social events seem to swarm around sugar foods and treats.  So she made the first batch of pumpkin rolls and brought them over for me to smell.  I smelled them. Fine. I will not have one.  I'm becoming more and more determined to prove I will not have one.

I'm kind of irritated about it.  I feel like she's straight up trying to get me to have one.  After she has watched me struggle with this and talk about my recovery classes.  I will not have a pumpkin bar right now no matter what happens.  So I guess instead of me seeing this post as a bitching session, I can look at this as yet another victory.  Take that!

It's still hard though- after a week and a half.  I'm not really having cravings anymore but I still want the treats mentally.  Even now as I type this, I hope and pray I will not end up weakening out there and having a pumpkin bar.  I am still not sure of how long I will last.  I'm still having to fight this battle hour by hour.  I'm still afraid I'm going to fall down at any given moment.  I guess even if I do- it's okay.  I keep having to remind myself- it's waxing and waning- not all or nothing.  Even if I fall- I can get back up the next day.

Okay- I'm going back out there- still sugar hungry.  With pumpkin bars in the oven and the friends devouring them.

D