They say it's my Birthday...

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

It's a good thing calories don't count on your birthday because let me tell you something...I consumed a LOT of them today! Yeah...3 pieces of pizza with garlic butter and some chocolate cake (and peanut butter balls, and peanut brittle and gingerbread snaps) later...I feel like I could not go back for one more bite even if I wanted to!  And my dad is making us breakfast tomorrow (GROAN).  Let the eating begin. ;)  My brother got a chocolate cake with buttercream frosting from someone at work and we ended up making that my birthday cake at the last minute (because, since I don't NORMALLY consume sugar anymore, they thought...what's the point of making a cake? So cute) and I have to say, it's not as good as I remember.  I know I know, enjoy it!  But I remember LOVING buttercream frosting (and choc cake is my absolute FAVORITE)- tonight it made me sick.  Not to mention it was just too sweet and too much- I wanted to have another piece of pizza to get rid of the sugary taste in my mouth. ? I'm changing! Since when has sugar EVER been too much for me?  Wow- that has never happened.  Did I mention we also did lunch after they (my fam) picked me up from the airport (italian) and I pigged out there too...can we say BIRTHDAY BLISS???

The other good news is that this morning, at 4 am, before I started getting ready to leave CA to come home and see my family, I weighed in.  138.2!  I finally broke the marker!  Can I tell you that it was the best birthday surprise I could have ever given myself?  I would like to thank all of you who gave me tips on my 2 day breakdown last post.  Thanks to you, I was able to have this little surprise on my birthday.  After reading everyone's thoughts and discussing on the phone with several friends, I decided that I wasn't eating enough and decided to eat a little more.  Next thing you know, up the calories and drop the #'s on the scale. NICE.  I don't think it's going to stay like that for long though...esp after tonight *chuckle*...

I am so happy to be home with my family.  I love them more than anything!  My nephew is so precious, he has 4 front teeth and walks now (13 mos) and he remembers me from my last trip home (Sept).  It really means a lot to me when this precious little angel smiles at me.  When he smiles BECAUSE of me.  It makes my heart soar.  Plus my family goes so far out of their way to make this day special for me and I am just so grateful that they are my family and they love me.  I truly feel the love today and it has been AWESOME.

So, it is Christmas Eve night.  I don't know when I will surface again to post- hopefully soon.  I really do have intentions of working out and still eating healthy while I'm home- despite today (it's my birthday people!).  I can say that I've honestly honestly tried to change my lifestyle over the last few months and I don't desire to just "let go" until the New Year.  This is me!  This is who I am now- or who I want to be. 

I am so excited to be here; I hope you have a Merry Merry Christmas too with your loved ones.  I hope you feel the joy and peace in your hearts that I feel right now being with my family.  I hope you and your family remember the reason for the season and give thanks to God for his miraculous Son and the gift he has given to all of us. 

I love you all-

XO-

D

Weight I will kill you.

Why do I want to eat everything in sight right now?

I got up and went to the gym this morning- only to stretch and come back home.  I didn't feel like doing cardio in the gym yet again.  I've been tempted to go to a yoga class today but I don't want to spend the money to take one class (they usually cost around $15/class around here and I've been contemplating it but haven't been able to pull the trigger FOR ONE CLASS).  It has been raining nonstop here in So Cal for (it seems like) weeks.  At least a week for sure.  Which means all workouts move indoors for me.  Which means I burn out quickly.  I can only do stairmaster for so long before I begin to hate it.

I've been eating on point- working out for an hour or more a day (cardio for an hour); doing everything I can to get ready to go home to Tulsa and see family and friends.  Drinking all my water, shaving all my hair off my body, applying fake tanner liberally, etc etc etc.  The scale and I are in a full blown war over things.  It does not want to budge and I'm mildly pissed at it over the whole thing.  Part of me just wants to give up.  I have loved that I've lost weight since kicking sugar- I have NOT loved that I've also plateaued and can't seem to keep losing.  I got down to 138.6 and have stayed here for about a month - a month and a half.  I'm basically eating fruits, veggies, protein (sometimes in the form of flesh, sometimes in the form of tofurkey or other protein).  I have whole grains for breakfast; that's about it.  I go to bed hungry every night.  I'm drinking boat loads of water.  WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO.

Come off stupid weight. COME OFF.

Don't get me wrong- I like the way I look. 138.6 doesn't look too shabby on me.  It would be cool to just cinch the rope a little tighter, that's all.  But my body is not cooperating and other than starving I'm at my wits end as to what to do about it. I'm journaling too: here's 2 excerpts from the last two days (from my journal)

12/20
Breakfast
1/2 cup oats
1 tspn quinoa
1 tspn flaxseed
2 tspns walnuts
yogurt butter

Snack
Apple

Lunch
Salad with no cheese; dressing on side

Snack
Chili Lime flavored nuts

Dinner
Grilled Tilapia with side of veggies (zucchini)

Water- all day
Work Out- 1 hour stairmaster
Supplements/Vitamins: Yes

12/21
Breakfast
1/2 cup oats
1 tspn quinoa
1 tspn flaxseed
yogurt butter

Snack
Grapefruit

Lunch
1/2 avocado sandwich with sprouts, tomatoes, and cucumbers (only 1/2 sand)
cup fruit

Snack
Chili Lime flavored Nuts from Trader Joe's

Dinner
Tofurkey Dog
onions/bell peppers/green beans

Water- All Day
Workout- 1 hour stairmaster
Supplements/Vitamins- Yes

So what's the problem?  All of this work with no reward is sending me into a tizzy.  Okay- not really.  I really just wanted to complain for a few minutes.  Thanks for listening.

Have a great day friends- let's hope something happens today (as far as this weight thing goes)

D

Where's my toothpaste.

I have a lot going on in my brain this morning.  A LOT.

Grad school is becoming a harder and harder, further and further fantasy for me that seems to be just out of my reach.  I wish I would've decided 3 months ago to do this; all of the deadlines are right now and I still haven't taken the GRE or GMAT.  It looks like after all is said and done, I will probably have to wait another year to go.  I'm missing deadlines right and left and seem to be paralyzed with the inability to do anything about it.  But I don't want to wait another year- now that I know I want to do this- I want to go NOW.  I'm frustrated and overwhelmed.  Then there is still the looming question of what program...where...my personal statements, costs, etc

Then there is Christmas and money.  Who to buy for, how much to spend, when to get what by; I can't open this can of stress right now.

2 things on a list of 10 that are swarming in my head.  I need to go to the gym.  I need to go shopping, not just for gifts, but for myself.  I need to make some visits for my job.  I need to get this all done before the BSM (boy scout master) calls me to go to a matinee this afternoon.  I need to do this and do that and do this and do that...

Remember how I told you that when I get stressed- ultimately I end up doing nothing?  Yeah, that's today.  I've been up since 6:30 and I've succeeded at brushing my teeth, checking my bank account, depositing a check into my bank account, reading a few good articles about feeling the spirit of the season, and eating breakfast.

Wow- time flies when you're having fun.

D

Dirty Diet Coke.

Hi friends.

Remember that time I wrote about feeling awkward after I dropped a huge bomb?  I don't know what to say after I drop these bombs; writing, talking, whatever I'm doing- it feels awkward.  Today is one of those days.  I feel awkward.

Yes, I had a freak out yesterday and thought that my life was crashing down around me and I was falling back into old ways.  Today I woke up and decided I will NOT do that.  It is my choice, after all.  I don't always have to fall back into old ways.  This is the time to be different.

Yes, sometimes I am weak; we all are.  But I have worked for months to change myself and my habits.  Yes, sometimes I crave sugar.  Sometimes I sit and fantasize about eating sugar cookies and frosting and chocolate cake and whatever else I can get my greedy hands on.  Apparently sometimes I give in too.  Last night I wrote a post about it all- and I admitted every piece of sugar I've had.  Yes, I've been stronger in the past; but it's okay.  Today I am forgiving myself for all of it, and I am back to abstaining.  I am back to committing to myself; I can do this.

As I laid in bed last night thinking about the day and the cravings I had, I remembered something.  Yesterday while at Olive Garden, I had a Diet Coke.  I didn't realize it last night, but it totally makes sense- I was craving sugar last night because I had a DC.  I know about soda!  I know about aspartame!  I haven't had a soda in weeks.  I can't believe I forgot.

Today I feel hopeful again.  I am seriously considering not going to the dinner tonight with my friends.  I want to go to ARP.  I miss my meetings and the people there that love me and support me and are my friends.

This is the time to stay strong.  To not give in; to not fall back into old habits.  I can do this.


D

Strugglin

I just got home from Walgreen's, where I was parked in the candy aisle for 10 minutes trying to figure out which candy I should buy and sneak into my room.  It took another 10 minutes to walk away from that aisle empty handed (mainly because we just left dinner and I was with Ape who knows I don't eat sugar and also doesn't eat sugar herself, and she would've slapped me).  Originally I went to that aisle for gum and then noticed all of the candy.  Sweet candies like M&M's and Twix and Snicker's.  Swedish Fish and Gummy Bears and Lifesaver Gummies and Skittles.  Godiva and that nasty Ferrero Rocher (that is a completely sarcastic and cynical remark btw.  I KNOW that Ferrero Rocher is NOT nasty)

I've been weak lately my friends.  And I'm getting weaker by the day.  On Sunday, Maimee made Almond Rocha.  I sampled it.  I also sampled my friends coconut cake last night (um...does 5 bites still count as a sample or an actual piece of cake?  We'll go with sample).  Today I practically drank a boat of alfredo sauce at Olive Garden...with 3 breadsticks on the side for kicks and giggles (I know this isn't sugar necessarily but this just shows that my eating resolve is tumbling down the hill).  Dinner tonight was Thai food.

Tomorrow night is one of the bestie's birthday dinner.  Friday is the work Christmas Dinner/party.  Saturday is another party (surprise party for another bestie).  Sunday blurs into Monday...and the whole thing starts over next week again.  Meanwhile I'm craving sugar.  Meanwhile I'm not only craving sugar, I'm starting to "sample" things.  This 'sampling' of mine is turning into a daily thing now.  Just a sample, you know.  Small.  A bite.  One here.  One there.  One lick.  One taste.

I "sampled" a Ghirardelli peppermint bark square that Maimee has sitting out for our guests yesterday.  For no reason, other than I've walked by the bowl a million times in the last 2 weeks and then suddenly yesterday I decided to have one of them.  I just tore off the wrapping and ate it before anyone could say anything.  Maimee was in the middle of saying something and she just watched, and I stared back, defiantly.  I knew that she was processing what was happening; I could literally see her thoughts.  I didn't care; I almost dared her to ask me what I was doing.

I'm not sure what this means.

Where is the drive that I had once to not eat sugar?  Where is the need to abstain and prove to myself I can do this?  Why is it that I've read about 1 million articles on the horrific affects of sugar on the body, and yet I bring it to my lips with such sweet pleasure?  There is no hesitation whatsoever; no pause.  No waver.  Instead, there is a feeling of deep satisfaction that is almost deadly.  A sense of euphoria that I feel as I reel it to my gaping mouth.

I sat and explained to someone yesterday, in detail- 30 minutes of detail, how bad my mental addiction to sugar "used to be".  Hmmmmmm.  The worst part?  I don't feel bad.  There is no sense of remorse.  Until it starts to show on the scale or it starts to hurt my stomach (because I've eaten too much), I won't feel a tad bit bad.  I bring it to my lips willingly; lovingly; quickly and almost vehemently.

My Beloved (My precious?).  Where hast thou been? We've been having secret rendezvous.  Inappropriate, explicit, hot and bothered steamy secret rendezvous.  When can I see you again?  Where?  How long must I wait?  I'm consumed all over.  Burning hot desire ravaging through my taste buds and lips.  Constant thoughts sneaking my attention and stealing me away.

Luckily I've still been able to talk myself out of most of it.  I fear the worst though- a binge waits in the shadows; flirting on the outskirts of my consciousness.  Unfortunately- due to the friend's celebratory dinner tomorrow night, I will be missing yet another meeting of ARP.  Which means yet another weak week of instability and 'leaning on my own strength'.  I am so weak!  I cannot resist much longer, I'm serious.  Months of constant focus on abstinence is crumbling faster than a dry cookie.

Sigh.

I've tried.  I've tried to read my ARP book.  I've tried to recite the scriptures and quotes that once held so much power for me.  But the honest truth is I'm not trying hard enough and I know it.  I don't care.  And my attitude is warping my resolve.  "It's the Holidays"  I keep telling myself.  I will start again- STRICT like I was- after the holidays.

D

The Update.

In honor of Miss S....I am writing another post.  An update.  With Pics. :)

Where do I begin?  The night was nice...not what I was expecting, but it turned out very nice in the end to me.  Last night was a dose of reality; instead of being whisked away to a magical Christmas party, I found out what it's really like to be with someone of "stature".  37 is the CEO of his company.  That means we had to leave early to be the first ones there, we had to stay late and be the last ones there, and do a LOT of work in between.

When I got to 37's place (he's my neighbor- so I literally walked next door), he was whirling around his apartment like a tornado.  First of all, I was 20 minutes late; I wasn't watching the time and it went by faster than I thought it would.  But before I could even apologize, I realized that he was so swamped with things that it didn't even matter- we weren't leaving quite yet.  His phone was blowing up and he had to keep answering it.  His tie was around his neck (not tied, just hanging there), his shirt half unbuttoned still, and he was sweating on his forehead a little.  He had cookies in the kitchen he was trying to bag- one by one in these little plastic see thru baggies.  The fans were all on- all the windows were open (it was freezing- did I mention that?), all his lights were on, and he wasn't done getting dressed.  Immediately I asked him what I could do to help.  "You know how to make those twirly ribbons with scissors?"  He asked as he rushed by me to grab his shoes.  "Yes, of course I know how to do that" I said.  "Can you make those on these bags of cookies for me?"  So I tied all the baggies and used the scissors to curl the ribbon.  There were only like...100 bags.  About half way through, we had to move it to the car because his phone kept blowing up and we now had to go to the local grocer to pick up 10 poinsetta's for the table centerpieces since there weren't enough original centerpieces from Ikea.  I sat in the truck curling ribbon while he ran into the store and got the poinsetta's.  When he hopped back in the truck, he realized his tie still was still hanging around his neck.

When we got there, he went into whirlwind mode again and I went to park the truck.  Once I was inside he put his hand on the small of my back and started introducing me to his employees.  One by one I met each employee, smiled huge and shook their hands, met their spouses and children, shook their hands too, and made small talk.  I smiled and cupped their hands in mine; I remembered names.  I don't know how I did it- but I remembered at least 30 names last night (I'm a ROCKSTAR!!)  I talked to the mothers about their children's play groups and talked to husbands out their wives jobs working for 37.  I talked about beauty school and what I do.  I answered questions about how 37 and I met, while he was off meeting more family members and making sure the DJ knew what music to play. (Have I ever mentioned that I have social anxiety?  That's why this was such a big deal for me- 37 was NOT there holding my hand- he was busy.  I was being a big girl and talking to people all by myself)  I didn't even see him again until we sat down for dinner.

Overall, I would say I spent about 80% of the dinner without him too.  He came and ate as quickly as he could, apologizing the whole time and telling me he'd make it up to me (because he thought the food was horrific and he was embarrassed), and then he was off again to make the announcements, reward his employees with Christmas gifts, do the raffle, introduce the new employee uniforms, etc etc etc.  Meanwhile I dutifully watched over his planner and his cell phone and clapped politely from our table with some of his staff I didn't know.

When the dinner was coming to a close, he finally came and grabbed me.  "Are you ready to go?  Are you tired?  You're tired.  You're ready to go. " he was looking at the dance floor, but he was backing towards the exit.  I wanted so badly to leave, but I knew he didn't.  There were about 20 people on the dance floor and the DJ was playing something crazy.  "37, it's your party.  What do you want to do?"  He looked at the dance floor again.  "Let's DANCE!"

We danced.  We danced and danced and danced with his staff until the crappy DJ cleared the dance floor with some hard core rap that no one knew how to dance to.  He was having so much fun on the dance floor.

When we got into the truck, he turned to me.  "Diz, you don't know how much it meant to me tonight- all of your help.  I know it was a crappy night; you thought you would be coming here for a nice night and instead I bombard you with work and then leave you with awful food.  I'm so sorry.  You were wonderful. How can I ever show you how wonderful you are?  I don't know if I can repay what you did for me tonight.  Should we go get dessert?"  I looked at the clock; it was 11 pm.  "Sure" (we're both sugar free- so I knew whatever we chose would be something I could have).

So we drove.  We went to 3 different places before we finally gave up and ended up at the grocery store- getting a half gallon of sugar free ice cream (Dreyer's Slow Churned Sugar Free Fudge Tracks with Splenda. HEAVEN!).  We went back to his place, curled up on the couch, and talked and talked for another hour or so while we spooned our ice cream out of the tub.  Luckily since I live next door, I was able to run home and put on sweats. :)

I don't know how or why, but that last hour seriously made up for the whole night to me.  Maybe because it was my personal time with him- he wasn't the CEO anymore.  I was the one that got to cuddle up with him on the couch and talk about politics and Nepal and his family.  He was interested in what I had to say; he kept touching me and asking me questions about what I thought.  The next thing I know- it was like the floodgates were opened; I was telling him what I thought about everything and everyone.  He would laugh at my jokes and ask more questions as he scooped his ice cream.  For some reason- it was seriously one of the best moments I've had in MONTHS with a guy.  I don't know how to describe that time- I just really felt like we connected.  I helped him get everything done and wasn't needy at the party; and in turn, he was able to pay attention to just me once we were home.  And I mean- really pay attention to me and laugh with me.

Around 12:45, I noticed that he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open; he was exhausted, so I told him I was going home.  Even though I live next door- he insisted on walking me to my door.  For the 100th time, he thanked me for making his night so wonderful and for helping him.  I told him, for the 101st time, that it wasn't a big deal.  He stopped in  front of my door and turned to me and looked me square in the face.  "It was though Diz.  It was a big deal to me."  And then he hugged me (NO KISS! WHAT???); a nice warm, long hug.  I came in the house ecstatic, before I crashed into my own bed, exhausted myself.

XO-

D

BYOC

BYOC from Drazil's Blog...with my own answers (of course):  (And sorry about the highlights- I couldn't get them to turn off. :( )

1. Why do men do that? Why do men do anything retarded?  These are the kinds of questions my mother taught me not to ask- because they don't get answered and we'll just get frustrated.  I can't even open this can, because there are so many things they do that I just don't get...



2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight?  Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? Don't know; don't care.  My friends took some pictures with him though once, his pose alone was pretty awesome.



3. What’s your favorite Cmas song? Oh Holy Night

4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie? Favorite would probably have to be: Home Alone.  Or Christmas Vacation.  Least Favorite:  Deck the Halls with Matthew Broderick.  Are you serious?  Someone actually paid to have this movie made...

5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He’s convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I’ve heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he’s applying for are not even in the financial industry?  They are not checking his credit or he'd know, he has to sign a waiver- and even if they were going to check his credit- they wouldn't do it until they were pretty sure they were going to hire him.  It costs upwards of like, $20 to do a background check on someone- so no company is going to run a check on someone after a first interview; it wouldn't make sense to do that.  It's too expensive.  Plus he'd have to sign something saying that he is allowing them to check it, so he would know if they were going to run one on him.  He might need to brush up on his interview skills, if he's not getting call backs.  :(


XO my friends!  Have a great weekend!!!


D