What was I thinking...

Today I did the unthinkable...

I joined an online dating site.  What is happening to me.

I don't know why I did it...boredom I guess?  I don't know- but I'm kind of freaking out about it.  I haven't done online dating in like...5 years.  I know there is nothing wrong with it- my sister met her husband off an online dating sight- but I'm 99.9% sure it's not for me.  I don't like emailing back and forth- I feel like you can't tell if you have chemistry with someone.  You may THINK you have chemistry with someone...and then you meet them in person and the whole thing goes south in about .5 seconds.  But I'm willing to risk it right now because I'm bored and I want a date.  We'll see what happens...should produce a good story or two.

I'm also going to the gym tonight.  I'm not excited about it- but something has to be done.  I barely cracked the 140 barrier and now I have to work like a crazy to stay under that line.  I'm determined to stay under that damn line.  I ate wayyyyy too much today...if I don't hit the gym, I'll be back up in the morning still...and I just don't want that!!!

Okay love bugs- sorry this is short- but I have to get to the gym. Miss S sent me a little reminder asking what I was doing...and I can't not have an answer for her.  Be ready Miss S!  I'm going right now!!!!

XO!!

D

Me? A Grad Student? What is this world coming to?

Called a few schools today to find out about their programs....eeeek! Am I really doing this?  I know it's typical- but I called BYU to find out about their MPH program (Master's of Public Health).  I don't want to move back to Utah- but I would if I were accepted into that program.  For one thing- going to school at BYU is really cheap- so much cheaper than other schools.  Especially out here.  Another good thing about it (if I were to be accepted there) is that my uncle lives in a huge house all by himself in Provo (where the school is located).  I'm sure he would let me live with him for cheap...because I have absolutely no money saved and I will be the poorest grad student you've ever met.  If I were to be accepted into that program- I would have to quit my job to move back to UT...which means I would have no job once I got there.  Like I said...poooooooor. Of course I would try to find a new job- but I will probably be uber poor for the next couple of years if I do it.


I also called UCLA.  EXPENSIVE.  But here in SoCal- and in the top 15 programs in the country (#11).  I could keep my job and either commute or move to LA.  At least I'd be living here in SoCal where I love my life and I'd be going to a great school- with one of the best programs.  But super expensive; and probably hard.  And probably hard to get in to as well...

Then there is USC.  I didn't call them...but they are here in SoCal too and close.  Not cheap either.  But again- prestigious name and great program I'm sure.  Was there ever a bad USC grad program?  I doubt it.

No matter where I decide to go to school- I will be poor.  Super poor.  It's okay- I'm super excited anyway and willing to sacrifice for the long term goal.  Have I ever mentioned my happiness doesn't come from material things anyway?

In other news- I weighed in under 140 this morning. :)  More eeeeks!  I'm waiting to give numbers once it's been confirmed.  I need to weigh in under 140 a few times before I believe that it's real.  But I am so excited about it, at least I have done it once now.  Yay me!

And even more exciting...I just got a text from a colleague of mine that said, "Ok, am I out of line by saying I want to be intimate with u?"

Sigh.

I really know how to find them- don't I.  I went to lunch ONCE with this guy.  He keeps late night calling and texting.  I never answer or return any of his calls- even when he actually calls sober during the day.  He left a message once saying, "wow..you are the busiest girl alive".  Apparently me being super busy wasn't enough of a hint- so I let him know today that yes- that was out of line.  And no- we will not be intimate under any circumstances ever, but thank you for letting me know.  He wrote back to tell me he felt like he should just put it out there.  ?????  Um...okay.

That is all I have for today my lovelies!  How are you?? Give me scoop!!!

XO my loves!!!

D

Work and Weight

After much thought and deliberation- I'm thinking of going back to school to get a master's in Health Administration.  I'm very excited and nervous; I've been researching schools and programs and trying to figure out if this is "the job" for me.  I really really really want to find something that is legit- something I love- something I can call a career- and I want to find a job that I can stay at for a long time and enjoy myself.  I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.  One thing I've learned about myself over the last few months is that I am a person who needs a little more structure.  I like to have goals- they help me to feel like i'm working towards something important.  Life is important, and I want to feel a sense of well being and contentment- and in the work related field- I just don't.  And it's starting to affect other areas of my life; which means it's time to nip this in the bud once and for all.  Does anyone work in health administration?  Does anyone want to share thoughts about it?  I don't want to make the wrong choice here...

The reason I chose HA is because I have always enjoyed 'health', but I don't want to be a nurse or a doctor.  I don't like seeing the insides of people or deal with their sicknesses.  I have been a massage therapist for 7 years and while I've always loved preaching to people about the things I've learned about the body over the years, I don't feel the need to keep working with actual bodies per se.  I've also worked on the back side of things and I love that position so much more than being on the front side (does that make sense)?   Anyway- anyone's guidance, advice, or suggestions regarding this profession would be greatly appreciated.

You guys I'm so excited and nervous!  This means I will probably have to take the GRE.  I am scared out of my mind about this.  I have put off taking the GRE for as long as I've existed pretty much.  I keep moving away from this (and all of grad school really) mostly because of the GRE.  

FEAR.

Such a stupid hindrance.  I don't even want to get started on all of the ways my life would be...could be different if FEAR hadn't dominated for so long.  But I'm learning...I'm moving away from FEAR...for the first time in my life.  You know what they say- Faith and Fear are opposites and cannot exist in the same plane (meaning one can only feel one or the other...you cannot feel both at the same time).  I choose faith.

On another note- I weighed in at 140.2 this morning.  IF I break the 140 barrier it will be a day of celebration like you've never seen.  I can't wait to plummet into the 130's my friends...33 days and counting.  Abstaining from sugar has been really hard lately- worse than before Halloween.  Halloween came and went and I was really strong for some reason.  Earlier today Maimee was eating cake batter out of a cup and I almost lost my damn mind.  But I didn't cave.  I don't know why I haven't caved yet- but I'm trying to make the weight loss a focus so I'll stay in the game longer- I'd like to be able to abstain from sugar until the end of the year (or at least until the 12 steps are finished).  I just think it would be so cool to go through the holidays without worrying about weight for the first time EVER.

It's been so nice...not worrying about my weight.  Don't get me wrong- I still want to lose a little.  But the anxiety is gone.  The constant stress is gone.  The feelings of dread about going out, or what to wear, or why my face looks so fat...it's all gone.  Now I'm just here- present and happy.  People comment on how good I look- and it's only been 6 or 7 pounds.  But it's nice- I left the overweight zone and have happily, slowly cruised into a more comfortable place.  I still work out a few times a week- and I still try to eat healthy, but because I don't feel fat anymore- I don't stress anymore.  Now I just need to stay the course!!!!  And yet it's so hard...mentally I still struggle.  

XO-

D

Meetings and Men.

Okay- because this is such a long post- it's broken up into 2 parts.  The quasi-date 1st; the ARP meeting 2nd.  Feel free to read only what interests you...I know I'm blogging like a crazy lately (2 a days) but I've got a lot to share!  

1) The Quasi Date:  So Sanuk asked me to do something with him last night.  While I think Sanuk is a good person, he is moving out of state in less than a week, so I don’t give him much thought as a potential date.  But for the last few weeks he keeps coming around; I’m not sure if he just needs a friend or what exactly is going on in his mind.  He’s moving!  Anyway, he told me that a bunch of people from his work were going down to Main Street, and since it was his last day at work, he wanted me to come.  I wasn’t exactly sure if this was a date thing, or if he just wanted me to come because we go to the same church so he would feel more comfortable having another mormon there, or what.  

So I dressed up and looked pretty for him when he came to get me.  It was a good thing he asked me to come because all of the guys at work brought a girl too.  I don’t think it was necessarily planned that way- but that’s how it turned out.  Sanuk and I huddled at our end of the table and noshed on the appetizer platter while everyone else enjoyed their drinks and talked about work.  He asked me about work; he knows how unhappy I am right now in my job- we've talked about it before.  I told him that I want to look for another job but I don't know what I want to do and trying to figure out what I'm good at is hard and frustrating.  He smiled.  Then he told me about this thing he had to do at his job- where they had to do these exercises.  These exercises have a purpose- and by the end of the whole thing- he had a list of the top 5 things he wanted to do with his life.  Have any of you heard of this before?  Do you know where I'm going with this?  I had never heard of it before; so I listened very closely.  

He explained to me that the guy who led the group went on a safari one year- and everyone who’s ever gone on the safari asks- "Did you see the big 5 while you were out there?"  What they mean is- did you see the top 5 animals of the safari.  There were 5 animals that are the “big 5”- lions, rhinos, giraffes, and two others (can’t remember the other 2).  Anyway- if you saw 3 of the five- it was a pretty decent safari.  If you saw 4 of the 5- it was a pretty good safari.  But if you saw all 5 of these animals while you are out in the tundra- well then that was a damn good safari and you had success;  Everyone wants to see the “big 5”.  

That's our lives.  We each have 5 things that we want out of life.  If we can get three, then it was a decent life and at the end we could be satisfied.  If we hit 4, that's a pretty good life.  But if we get all 5...than we are fulfilled beyond measure- right?  But how do we know what the top 5 desires of our hearts are?  These exercises.  He explained to me that he didn't know what his top 5 were when he started the journey; the exercises help you figure out your top 5.  Then he promised to help me. :) 

I am excited about this top 5 thing.  Especially if it's the way he described it to me.  I need something to help me have a little direction.

Then I went to ARP.  

2)The meeting: ARP's step as a group tonight was Step 3- Trust in God- the step I finished last week (I'm on step 4 personally).  But tonight's lesson was so good.  The people who lead the meetings are so inspired.  After listening to the lesson again- I realized that I do NOT fully trust God.  I think I do.  I don’t.  I fight for what I want- verses what God wants for me, all the time.  I don't know why I do this- it makes sense that he knows what's best for me because he is God and he has all vision and all power.  He knows me better than I know myself.  So why do I fight so hard, thinking I know what is better for me?  

These addictions are real.  If it's not sugar- it's shopping.  If it's not shopping, it's something else.  They don't seem like huge issues- I can "function" just fine on the outside without anyone knowing really I have an addiction; I’m not at rock-bottom.  But do I have to hit rock-bottom first?  No. 

I hide my problems from everyone else.  I rationalize all day that I don’t really have a problem.  I make it look like I'm doing just fine- meanwhile I'm internally obsessing. Maybe I'm thinking about the next treat I can have.  Maybe I'm thinking about the next shirt I'm going to buy.  The problem with me (and I’m sure all addicts) is that I like my addictions.  I like having treats.  I like buying new clothes.  Sounds pretty harmless- right?  Ultimately though, I am not able to reach my goals because of these addictions.  I can’t lose the last few pounds I want, or get out of debt- because I keep doing these little things here and there.  Just one more little bite of chocolate cake even though I’m full; just one shirt that is $7.99 even though I only have $10 left to my name til next payday.

I think I’m in control because I haven’t hit rock-bottom.  I compare myself to others and I'm not doing as bad as they are- therefore I don't have a problem.  I’m able to successfully hide my addiction from other people- so it must not be that bad.  It's only "that bad" when other people start to notice- everyone is like me...right?  I'm in control, or so I tell myself.  But I’m not in control.  If I were in control, I would not have weight issues.  Food issues.  I would not lie in bed at night and cry because everyone else is skinnier than me and no matter what I do- I can’t lose the last few pounds.  One little bite of chocolate makes it better though- doesn’t it.  For just one moment- one little bite makes everything better.  

Addiction; pride- they are amazing weaknesses to have.  You can justify everything with these two little weaknesses.  You can stop yourself from really changing.  You can truly remain in your little safe space forever- and never really overcome anything. 

This whole time- 30 days, I've given myself a lot of ‘pats on the back’.  ‘No matter what my life has thrown at me, I haven't caved to sugar’.  Yay for me!  I'm so strong!  Everyone tell me how awesome I am!  If I can't learn to let go of my addictions and my pride and learn to trust God wholeheartedly- I will never be able to fully overcome my weaknesses and get myself over these hurdles.

Whew!  If you’re still reading- I commend you.  Thank you all so much for being my friends and listening to my problems as I try to resolve them.  Thank you for being supportive of me as I cipher through this muck.  I hope it leads to bliss...

xoxoxo-

D

Bittersweet.

Today has been a very interesting and exhausting day.  Are you ready for something real?  It's about to get real raw up in here.

I went to lunch with some of my single girlfriends that are wonderful women.  Super hot, super talented, super single.  2 of them have made the tough decision, after 5+ years, to leave our beloved home in Southern California and move back to their original home states.  One is from Colorado, the other is from Seattle.  Today was the big day that they've been cleaning out their house; it's been emotional for them...and me too.

At lunch we started talking about our lives because they are moving and because another one of our friends recently went through this too.  The first one- that already went through it all- has been one of my best friends for 7 or 8 years.  I met her when I was going to the University of Utah- and we instantly became besties.  She moved out to Huntington Beach a year before I did- and recently just moved back to Utah.  The two that are moving out today moved in with her here in HB- that's how we all became friends.  I used to come and visit while I was still living in Utah and stay with them here in HB.

Anyway- we started talking about how our lives have become so different than what we thought they would be when we were younger.  We started talking about the regrets we have, over decisions we made or didn't make.  The joys and the struggles of being single.  How one minute we're thankful we didn't get married too young, but how in the next minute we feel too old to get married now.  One girl kept talking about how lonely she is at night in bed.  I secretly prayed a silent prayer of thanks that this particular struggle hasn't hit me yet.  Another friend goes through this sometimes and both of them are a year older than I am...so I hope it doesn't hit me soon.  My other friend told me that she wakes up in the middle of the night so lonely and aching for someone; it sounds horrible to me.  Ugh.  Anyway, my problem is that I'm bored out of my mind.  I don't care about my life right now.  I'm starting to hate my job.  When the weather changes here (because CA feels so timeless), it affects me, and today the weather is weird.  It was super cold and windy all day.

I don't know what to do with myself- I seem to have no dreams; no goals; no passion.  So I just keep ignoring the way I feel.  I hate that I have no direction right now, but I don't seem to have the energy to put in to figure out what to do differently.  It's just so tiring, always trying to figure out what I should do next with my single self.  I feel like I've been struggling to find a new path or new dream for 10 years now, and where have I ended up?  Nowhere that I thought I would.  I'll admit- it's not that bad.  It sounds bad because I'm having a pity party- but on most days I love my life.  Right now, especially because of my job, I don't know what to do or who I am supposed to be.  I just keep going on and on, and the days pass, and the months pass, and the years pass, and I'm still here.  

One of the girls is moving home to save money so she can travel.  She's not married, she has no ties here- so why not?  She loves traveling and seeing the world.  If she lived at home and had more money, she could take longer trips and do more things.  It really made me jealous.  Every time in the past that I've considered moving home I nix the idea because I am scared I will get even more depressed without my friends and my social life; they seem so vital to my sanity.  Because they are single- they understand me even more than my family does sometimes.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where I want to be in 5 years- let alone 10 or 20.  I don't know what job I want, or where I want to live.  Life continues on all around me, and yet I feel like I am STILL just...stagnant.

I'm sorry if this post seems really dramatic and dark.  I promise that I am just sorting through some things that keep coming up in my life- and writing them out here seems like a good place to do that while I figure things out.  I know brighter days are ahead and all around me even now.  I know happiness is everywhere- I just need to start looking at it again.  As my friend and I were saying earlier...life is like a masterpiece.  You are busy working on this masterpiece constantly.  Some strokes are really easy; some of them you seem to make carelessly.  Some strokes are really hard to make- maybe they are vital strokes- and you have to think for awhile as to where you want to put them and just how you're going to make them perfectly.  I feel like I've been staring at a blank piece of my canvas...and I've been staring at it for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I'm blind.  But pretty soon I will pick up a new color and I'll know just where to put the next stroke.

Hope that makes sense and I didn't send everyone away with a deep sadness.  ARP tonight!  Quasi date..tonight!  Details...to come!

D

My 5...

Okay-

So Miss S tagged me in that little game that is going on- and for some reason I loved it.  Usually I hate awards, but this little game got me all excited because I was thinking about how I would answer each question while reading her answers...and then I found out at the bottom that I was tagged! Hip hop hoorayyy!! Hooooeeee! Heyyyy...

Anyway, here are the questions:

1) What is your favorite thing about the holiday season?
          Umm....what is NOT my favorite thing about the holiday season- especially Christmas?  I think my favorite thing first and foremost would have to be the lights.  I looooove Christmas lights- all sparkly and lighting up the night.  I especially love them outside- in the cold- in the snow.  When you can bundle up and see your breath but be warm with people that you love- looking at them on houses and in trees  (I love it when they're all one color- like all white, or all red or blue...).  I love taking drives to see big houses that are professionally done.  I love when my dad hangs them on my parents house.  I love having a Christmas tree in the living room and it's the only thing that is lit up in the dark.  2ndly I would have to say the music.  I love Christmas songs.  I love love love singing Christmas songs or listening to them.  I love when my mom lights a fire in the fireplace and turns on some Christmas tunes...her house is so peaceful and smells liked baked goods and it's just so wonderful.  I also love that it's my birthday on Christmas Eve.  I don't know why- but in the midst of all of the celebration- those closest to me remember to tell me happy birthday and I love it.  My mother has always taken the time to make it a special occasion.  I will always love and cherish the things she did for me on my birthday- when everyone else was running around buying last minute Christmas presents- she would be baking a cake and bringing it to me on a special plate that says "It's your Birthday! Time to Celebrate!"  She has always gone above and beyond to make that day about me and I love her so much for it.  My birthday will never be the same without her- but because it's on Christmas Eve, I've always been able to share it with my family and that has been priceless.

2) What is your top 5 favorite artists of all time?
          What?  Wow...um...crap.  This might take a moment.  (Not in this order- that is too hard and I can't think quickly because there are too many) I have always loved John Mayer, Dave Matthews, Tom Petty, Neil Diamond.  Alicia Keyes.  Elton John.  The Beatles; Sade; Brian McKnight.  Josh Groban.  Kenny Chesney (I'm from Oklahoma- don't hate!) Faith Hill, Reba, GARTH!!!!! always and forever.  This could go on all night, I will stop there.

3) Who are the inspirations in your life?
           My mom- first and foremost.  She is the most kind woman- so friendly and humble.  And faithful; She is such a good example to me of what a good friend is.  She gives everything away to help others.  She is not materialistic and she has the best heart of anyone I know.  My sister next.  She is so patient.  She never raises her voice or loses her temper- I don't understand how she does it.  She is a little sassy but so classy and timeless and just...pure.  I love her.  She is tenderhearted and sweet and just the epitome of what a classy woman is these days to me.  Feminine.  Beautiful.  She isn't loud; she doesn't need to be.  But she's strong and loyal...My father; my grandfather and grandmother too.  They were so social and fun.  Loud, but the life of the party and good people. I love them and miss them.

4) What is the one thing you wish you would've known when you were younger?
           Ah...do you really want me to get on this soapbox?  I wish I would've had more confidence in myself.  I wish I would've stood up for the things I believed in.  I wish I would've realized back then that I am a beautiful person- and I am unique- and I am loved and would be missed if I were gone.  Confidence- for sure.

5) Who are you tagging next?
          Drazil (of course)
          Deb- Deb will be Free (I had to- I know you love these things)
          Josie- xoxo

Yay!!! I hope you guys don't hate that I tagged you! I can't wait to read what you have to say- xoxoxoxo-

D

It's getting CRAZY up in here!

Last night my friend Ape texted me to see if I wanted to buy this rock climbing pass with her- $40 bucks for 2 months of all you can use rock climbing at this local rock gym.  We were going back and forth about it when Maimee (my roomie) came in my room (Ape and I were texting).  "You want in on this rock climbing action? $40 bucks- all you can rock climb.  Hellz yeah!  Ryan is going to be there.." I asked her.  "Dizzy, I've been talking to my dad about some things that are happening in our economy.  Our economy is very shaky right now.  I am going to be spending my money for a little while building up my emergency preparedness stuff and I think you should too..."  Ehhhhh?

We proceeded to have an hour long conversation about emergency preparation.  Now, us mormons believe in being prepared.  Every month I get little newsletters about what I can do to better prepare myself in the event of an emergency...whether it's for a natural disaster, a governmental disaster, a bomb, a fire escape plan in the event of a fire in my house, whatever.  We talk and talk about it- but I admit, I haven't done much about it.  I bought some water a few months ago to have in storage in case anything ever happened and we didn't have water...but then I drank it when we moved into this apartment because we don't have a lot of room for storage and I had no where to put jugs of water.  But what if something did happen and we didn't have running water?  I would not be prepared.  Maimee and I have 2 spots in the garage; there is no excuse to not have any extra water on hand.

I probably sound paranoid to you- my reader.  That's understandable and that's fine- I'm not surprised you'd think that.  However, I want to argue that there is nothing wrong with being prepared for things either.  I'm not just talking about having an emergency storage here (although I will be going here momentarily- so if you are interested/curious...keep reading)- any time you are prepared for something, whether it's physically, emotionally, spiritually...#1 you have peace of mind, #2 you are mentally/physically better equipped to handle the situation without panic, fear, whatever.  You become a person of action instead of reaction.  Prepare yourself and your family.  It's always better to be prepared.

So I chose not to spend $40 on rock climbing this month.  I will be going to Wal Mart soon and buying more water.  I also asked a friend of mine who sends out the newsletters to send me a list she has for "grab and go" emergency bag, and I'm going to be building mine.  If something happened and you were without electricity, water, and access to the bank...would you and your family be okay?  Maybe it's something to think about.  Here is the list my friend sent me- if you are interested.  As my mom always says to me- it's not something to overwhelm yourself with.  Just next time you're at the store, buy a little something off the list here and there.  Eventually you'll have everything on the list .  And you'll be prepared in the event that something happens...at least for 72 hours.

Adult Grab and Go Bag: Have a grab and go bag for each person in your house.  Keep it by your bed (or in your car, or wherever).  If you need to evacuate, grab and go.

• Flashlight, batteries, and light sticks
• Portable radio and batteries
• Key (house and car)
• Money (coins and bills)
• Glasses, contact lenses, and solution
• Medications (at least one week supply)
• Comfortable shoes, 2 pairs of socks
• Comfortable clothing (sweats, extra underwear)
• Jacket or sweatshirt
• Whistle (call for help if trapped)
• Pocket knife
• Paper and Pencil
• "Okay" and "Help" signs (provided by CERT)
• Emergency phone list, out of state contact #;s
• List of people to notify if you are injured
• Copies of important documents, insurance, identification, social security, etc
• Small first aid kit
• Toilet articles: comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, washcloth, face towel, shampoo, lotion, razor, lip balm, emery board, nail clipper, sanitary products, tissue, sunscreen, etc)
• Toilet paper
• zip lock bags; grocery bags
• good book, playing cards, crossword puzzles
• work gloves, several pair of latex gloves
• blanket
• plastic ground cloth
• dust mask
• crow bar (may need to remove debris)
• drinking water- store in a separate place; minimum one gallon per person)
• food
• snacks (granola bars, trail mix, peanut butter)

There you have it my friends!  Hope you're prepared!!  Think about it- even if your car were to break down on the side of the road, at least you'd have stuff for a few hours until your car is picked up.  It's just a good idea!  If you want an emergency list for a grab and go for seniorz or for infant/toddlers too- email me and I'll send you lists for those people as well.  Good luck!

XO-

D