It's an Update thing.

I haven't written in a few days because, well, I just don't have much to report.  I've been thinking about different areas of my life- thinking- well...could I report on any boys?  NO!  There is no one new.  There is a super cute boy actually, that I think is beyond beautiful- but alas my bestie (and super aggressive bestie at that) has swooped in and stolen him as an option.  I am currently trying to snag his older brother's attention- but the older brother lives in Chicago so I'm not trying super hard.  I have concluded though- that when I do finally meet someone- it's going to be a guy that has to be interested in me and only me- because with how aggressive my friends are- I will never be able to snag one if they just go for "whoever is easiest" or, whoever makes things easiest for them anyway.  All of my girlfriends are super cute and super aggressive, and as much as I'd like to say I can step it up and be as aggressive as they are- I can't.  It's not in my nature- it doesn't feel natural to me and I can't force it.  I've tried in the past- only to come home in tears and embarrassed because I did something I wasn't comfortable with.  So I'm hoping someone will come along who is interested in me- and only me.  Let's keep our fingers crossed...

Could I report on any work crap? NO!  There is nothing new there either.  Work is boring lately.  They changed the responsibilities of my position back in October and now the position is pretty boring.  I have to visit so many high schools a day and set up appointments to come back and do presentations and yesterday I broke down bawling in my car because I loathe making these visits so bad.  I also started my period 5 minutes later though...so I think I'll chalk up that bawl fest to TOM and move on.

What about my family?  The only thing new I can report here- is that my nephew started walking.  I'm love the little videos my family sends me!  I will not be going home for Thanksgiving but my sister and her husband and boys will be coming out here to see me.  I will be going home for Christmas but my sister and her husband will be at his parents house for Christmas, so it won't be the full family this year.  It's okay though, I'm still looking forward to just lounging around my mom's house for a week.

What about weight loss?  Well..I'm down, so that's good.  Still haven't broke the 140 mark- the weekend was pretty rough.  I ate sooooo much- but didn't really gain anything.  I thought I did- 2 pounds, but then I started my period and that 2 pounds immediately went away.  I'm sitting at 140.4 as of this morning.  I'm going to go on a long run this afternoon to see if I can help my body shake off a half pound or more this week.  :)  I AM SO CLOSE!!!  I think I was basically there before the weekend started but the weekend was just so full of eating and eating and more eating festivities that it's a miracle I didn't gain more.  Pizza and burritos made enchilada style and breakfast waffles with peanut butter and whip cream and banana's and...oh my!  The bottom line?  Food: I luv it. I huge puffy heart it.  It's one of my favorite things in life.  However, since I'm trying to lose weight- it's not the best thing I can do right now (eat all the time).  So I'm working out hard during the week and trying to "eat sensibly" so that when weekends like that come along- I'm not destroyed.

Other than that- my life is the same.  Still plugging away at the no sugar thing...this Friday will be 30 days.  I'm elated.  It's not getting much easier but I'm getting used to it- and that's good enough for now.  Still doing my ARP steps- this week is step 4 (TRUTH)- and while it's brutal- I try to just consider it cleaning house.  You have to clean out all the dark spots, with all of the cobwebs- and put a light in there so you can see and organize everything and then you're good- right?  Maybe throw out a few things...stuff like that.  If that makes sense- I might just be confusing you.  Maybe this will help...the key principle of step 4 is: "make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself".  There is a lot that goes into this...but like I said- long story short- cleaning house.  Write all of your strengths and weaknesses.  Be honest.  Acknowledge what you've done; your past- etc etc etc.  It's a work in progress but I'm getting there.

Anyway- that's me in a nutshell this week.  How are you doing?  What's new with you???

D

Sponsor Me.

Well my friends...it's 6:05 pm and I'm waiting for the bestie Coke to finish getting ready so we can hit the streets of our beloved town.  Din tonight with the girls!  Guess that means this update is going to be quick!

Today has been a super good day eating wise.  It was a great day ARP wise (meaning I began step 4).  Step 4 is amazing and I will tell you guys about my rad experience tomorrow- I just don't have the time tonight.  Today my sponsor called me to see how I was doing after last night's debacle and I was so happy to talk to her- even though I was slightly embarrassed about my breakdown.  She assured me that 'this is what happens in support groups' and 'that's why we have them- to support each other'.  I told her that this was so much deeper than I ever expected- I merely meant to cut out sugar until the New Year, now all of the sudden I'm on this war path and I never EVER expected any of this.  It's easy sometimes- it's so hard other times.  She reminded me that it's okay to have breakthroughs...and then she said this (which I thought was interesting): "Anytime you take the core out of something, everything else that was attached to that core begins to fall apart.  You took the core out Dizzy Girl...so it makes sense that  things are rough right now.  Everything is reshifting- adjusting.  It's okay though, because you will learn how to heal correctly."  In my mind's eye, I saw the core being ripped out of the middle of me.  It looked like a spike; a thick, rusty nail spike.  And then I saw all the other parts of me that were attached to that core start to crumble away, almost like an avalanche or mudslide.  But I believed her- that everything will heal correctly now that the thorn is out.

I know this sounds dramatic- but please understand it's not about the sugar.  It's about addiction.  If it's not sugar, it's sex.  Or alcohol.  Or porn.  Or drugs.  Or gambling.  Or shopping.  Or carbs.  Or working out all the time.  Or drama.  Or getting high.  Addiction is the crutch we use to avoid dealing with life.  Life is hard sometimes; of course if we can find a way to escape it- we do.  But if that escape starts to consume you- if you find yourself escaping more and more, if you can't escape and you start to get frustrated or angry, if you would hurt other people in order to escape, if you would hurt yourself in order to escape...then...well, you might have a problem my friend.  I am trying to throw away my crutches for good- and I had no idea how much I used them in the first place.  I mean, I kinda knew- but I really had no idea.  I thought I just wanted to quit sugar for a little while.  But if you're honestly working the steps of a 12 step program, and throwing your whole heart in...well- lucky for you, you get to find out how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

But like I said last night- I am at peace.  I have accepted the challenges ahead and I'm ready to face them square on.  I am still on my rampage- and ready to be under 140 in a matter of days.  It might be as close as 2 days...depending on how good I am at dinner tonight. :)  AND I AM READY FOR THE 130's!!! BRING THEM ON!!!  And believe it or not, I'm beginning to feel the stirrings of a deep joy that is starting to nourish and grow it's little way in my heart.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND MY LITTLE LOVE BUGSSS!!!!

XOXO

D

Drainage

Well, it's definitely been an emotional day.

ARP class tonight wasn't what I expected.  When it came time to share- I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying- which shocked everyone including me.  I honestly had no idea it was coming...even when the guy right before me was sharing, I was still contemplating if I should even say anything at all because I didn't think I had anything to share.  At the last second I said a little prayer that whatever was in my heart- if I should share it- if it would help anyone else- I prayed that God would give me the courage to share it and then I just opened my mouth.  Words were tumbling out and then tears followed.  The girl after me started crying too.  The girl two people down from her started up a few seconds later.  Needless to say it was a very raw meeting- but it felt good.  I honestly had a huge emotional release tonight that I didn't even know was built up inside and for the first time in a long time, I am at peace.  And it feels amazing.

Let me tell you guys something- trying to recover from addiction is hard.  Please don't kid yourself and downplay the seriousness of addiction because it's "only sugar".  It's so hard; emotionally, physically, mentally. Taxing, I tell you!

Anyway- just know that there was an emotional break through tonight that has left me drained, but optimistic.  I really do feel like my little soul is healing.  And so is my body- it feels different than it has ever felt before.  I can't quite describe it quite yet but when I find the right words...

I have not had sugar in 22 days.  Next Friday will be my 30 day mark- if I can make it.  I'm motivated to do it- that's the longest I think I've ever gone.  I came home and wanted a little treat after being so exhausted by my outburst tonight- but alas, that is the slow, simmering burn that I will probably always feel.  I'm getting used to it- it's not as bad as it once was.  Reminds me of a super hero in a book- it's my curse!  But I must continue in this battle. :)  My abstinence IS getting easier; despite the anger, frustration, and occasional craving brought on by something like Coke Zero (ahem! Aspartame anyone?).

I can already tell- tomorrow is going to be an absolutely wonderful day.  I hope it's as good for you, as it is for me...

XO

D

In addition...

FURTHERMORE...

I know I just posted.  But something else just happened and I'm disgusted and I had to write it out - right now.

One of the teachers that I work with recently 'took an interest' in me.  Sent me a text and started up a convo- asked me to send him pictures of myself in my Halloween costume.  I didn't send him pictures but added him on FB.  We've been chatting nonstop for 2 days via text- he sent me a text last night that said, "Good night pretty woman, can I text you tomorrow?" and then this morning- 8:01 am- "Good morning! Como estas D!? How are you this morning?  Did you get plenty of sleep?"

I thought that last year he was married, but figured that maybe he got divorced over the summer or maybe he was never married in the first place, I couldn't really remember for sure how I knew that...however, when an opportunity arose to ask him if he was married- I took it.  We were chatting about facebook and I asked him who the girl was in the pictures with him.  He said, "some of them are neighbors, one is my sister, some are cousins..."  I pushed further.  'Are you married? I thought for some reason last year you were married...'  to which he didn't respond for awhile.  Then he responded back that he was, indeed, married.  I have not responded since.

I am so disgusted.

I've already deleted him from my facebook.  What a pig.  I am seriously so angry right now.  Who the hell does this guy think he is?  Even if it was "friendly chat", which I don't do, the things he was texting me were totally inappropriate because he is MARRIED.  I would NEVER have texted with him in the first place had I known.  Just for the record- he texted me first, I just responded back, not that it matters.  But still- I never text any guy first.  I did think it was a little weird at first, but figured there was no way...no way he would cross that line.  Maybe I'm being old fashioned here- but I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to be texting a single girl, let alone calling her "pretty woman" and texting her first thing in the morning.  I mean, back me up here, if your husband was texting another woman like that- would YOU be comfortable with it???  The worst part of it - to me, is why do these guys think that I would be interested in that shit?  That I want to be some mistress or something?  Me?  You must not know me if you think I will play this game with you.  I try really hard NOT to do anything that would warrant this kind of behavior out of a married man- I respect marriage and I respect that this is someone else's man.  I don't want any of it.

YUCK.

PIGGGGGGGG.

I swear.

Sorry my posts this morning are filled with hate/frustration.  I swear I will be in a good mood for the rest of the day-

xoxo

D

Frustration

UGHHHHHH

I'm so bugged with my body right now.

I made a goal to lose 1.5 pounds this week to get me out of the 140's and into the 130's.  I am so close and sick sick SICK of sitting on the fence- being this close to the 130's and not being able to touch them.  A month ago I made the goal to get down to 140 by Christmas and stay there.  It wasn't a lofty goal- but it was a goal nonetheless and I knew that the closer I get to 140, the harder it is to take and keep the weight off my particular body.  However, cutting out sugar has seemed to drop pounds right off and I've been sitting around 141.4 for about a week - a week and a half now.  So I decided that I wanted to go ahead and lose 1.5 this week.  Why not make bigger goals if you meet the ones you made earlier?  Feel me?

So yesterday and Monday I had good workouts/runs along the beach to help my body just kind of push towards the 139.9 mark.  Monday I ran 5 miles, last night I pushed to a new place and ran about 6.5 miles, maybe a little less (6.3?).  I had a taco after the run while down on Main St (Taco Tuesday yo!) and some water and that's it.

So why the hell does my scale go up this morning?  Not just .2 of a pound or anything- a whole pound.  I'm so irate.

I know what you're going to say- Patience. Give it time. It's okay, it only went up a .8 of a pound- we all fluctuate, etc.  I'm still pissed.  How am I going to hit my goal by next week if the scale is going the OPPOSITE direction?  Meanwhile I woke up sick.  Sore throat, stuffy nose, congested to the max.  No appetite.  Which also means no working out today.  So what do I do with that?  Proceed to have 2 bowls of cereal (non sugar, and unsweetened almond milk- of course) a piece of toast with peanut butter on it, and then I sat here and scooped peanut butter out of the jar for awhile, eating even more of it.  Because I didn't have enough on the toast apparently.

Oh yeah.  So "getting over my eating issues"?  HA!  I might not be eating sugar- but I clearly still binge when I'm pissed at myself. Oy veh...


D

Another Battle Entirely

Okay...

Here's the thing.  Ever since I decided to embark on cutting out sugar- my life has been in turmoil.  All kinds of issues seem to be surfacing since I made the decision...which I guess is good.  I see it as now that I don't have sugar to push these issues back down anymore, I have to deal with them.  I'm sure you might've noticed...I went from fun loving to stressed lately.  The good news is that I'm conquering issues- one issue at a time.  Or so I feel- some of them are a little deeper than just being resolved in one afternoon.  Like the one I'm about to discuss right now...

As most or all of you either know or have figured out by now, according to my posts...I'm mormon.  I'm a single mormon girl, living in southern CA.  I have one of the best lives; seriously I do.  I'm not trying to brag.  When I read that other people wish they had a different life, I always think...they want my life.  I know it sounds conceited- but it's so true!  I am single, I am fun, I have a great job that offers tons of flexibility and great pay that affords me to get to do a lot of things other people don't get to do, I have a super active social life, I'm in decent shape and working on this constantly, and I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world- where it's summer/spring time almost all year long.  I can lay on the beach in January- it's true.  Come visit if you don't believe me.  I also never really go without...there is tons of things to eat and things to do at my disposal whenever I want.  I get to date good looking men.  Lots of them.  I am definitely blessed.

So what's the problem?  Well, a few years ago I made the very personal decision to only date people within my own faith.  I used to date people that weren't of my faith a lot- but it got me no where and in the end I felt like it would be better if I could date people that "understood" where I was coming from.  In turn, my dating has dwindled.  Of course I still go out on dates (quite a few by other people's standards), and of course there are lots of great mormon guys out there...but not as many as there used to be for me.  I'm getting older- and more and more LDS guys seem to either get married or find other ways to disappear off the map .  But that was my choice- and for the last several years...probably 4 years now...it was a fine choice that I never regretted making.

Well, this issue- of course...along with everything else- is rearing it's ugly head in my life again right now.  Last week I went to dinner with several of my girlfriends- and we started talking about dating and I admitted I am in a super funk right now and have been in this horrible dating drought for months and it's causing me to be confused and just...sad.  They did not look at me with pity as I had anticipated- instead they told me to lighten up. Get out there and explore; quit limiting myself.  There are so many great men out there that want to be in serious relationships with the right girl, if they could just find her.  This was coming from girls that are mormon girls too- I thought for sure they would just revel in the pity- but no.  Instead they let me know that it's time to take the boundaries off.  None of them limit themselves like I'm doing.  I mean, of course we'd all like to find someone of our faith that 'gets' us.  But there are many men out there that can 'get it' and not be a member- right?  To say the least I was very surprised at some of the girls that were saying this because these were girls I thought for sure were like me- unwilling to open that door.  Instead I seem to be alone in this.  I've been thinking about this for several days now- and it almost sends me into tears.  

A few days later I had a lunch date with a guy I met through my job (who is not LDS).  He was very kind and very flirtatious and cute...and told me several times that he was attracted to me.  The best part about it?  He was normal.  We were able to have normal conversation.  He also began texting me through the weekend, but ultimately sent me a text saying that he wanted to come over at 2 am on Friday night- to which I quit responding to his texts.  I'm not a dumbass...I know what a 2 am drunk booty call looks like.  He called me this morning- I didn't answer.

Last night I went to dinner with another 2 girlfriends...and this same issue came up again.  Both of them said that they are open to dating people outside of our faith too- and both told me to quit limiting myself.  One of them said to me, "D, I would rather marry a man that I love, that treats me well and is respectful but not LDS (mormon), than "settle", marry a man I wasn't sure about but was mormon, and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake or worse...regretting that choice.  Hands down- no question.  I would marry the non-member."  It really resonated deep in my heart to hear my friend say that- especially because these are all women who I love and admire deeply.

So now I'm here.  All day I've been consumed with this.  The truth is I'm scared to date someone who is a nonmember.  The last few times I've tried it- I did serious damage to myself and probably to them too- trying to be someone I wasn't, or do things I knew I shouldn't do.  I know that no one forces me to do anything- but I do it to myself.  My roommate kept telling me last night- "but we're different now, D.  We're different women."  I don't know if I am.  I feel like I am too black and white- too good or too bad.  I can't seem to find that middle ground where I can be good and yet relax a little.  I feel like I am so staunch...even amongst my mormon peers I'm pretty staunch.

Help.

D

Nanu Nanu

Thanks to Justawallflower...I was able to make some anon pics for you guys to see our costumes.  Here are the Halloween pics!

So cute huh!  The Martian thing was a complete hit at all the parties we went to this weekend. Yay!!  In the bottom picture, I'm the one on the left.

XO!

D