Friday, October 21, 2011

Eating doesn't help.

So regardless of if I burn calories or not, I seem to be more concerned about consuming them.  Today I had lunch with a doctor.  We ended up at "The Counter" which is a burger joint where you create your own burger.  Let's just look at the damage- shall we?  After all is said and done- I've consumed about 2300 calories today.  AWESOME.

So I tried to go to yoga first and then figured I would go on a long run to help with the horrific surplus of calories.  When I got to the yoga studio, I had no time to spare (of course, thank you traffic).  The lot attendant and I got into an argument because he said that everyone can park there except anyone going to yoga, but if I wanted to risk getting my car towed, I was allowed.  Of course, I don't want to get my car towed, and since a lot of people have chips on their shoulders here, I did not trust that he wouldn't call on my car specifically to prove his point.  The whole thing was ridiculous and of course, I missed my class.  So then I decided to go to the gym since it was after dark and I am not familiar enough with the area to feel safe running alone after dark.  So my gym that I pay for every month (that I thought I was a member of), explained to me tonight in front of hoards of people that were entering the gym as well, that apparently now they have these "ultra" gyms that I have to pay more to be apart of.  If I want to go to a regular gym that's not ultra, I have to go somewhere else.  He then told me where one of the ghetto gyms that I belong to was located.  Now, I hardly ever go to the gym anymore.  I spend the majority of my time running and doing yoga.  But I was determined so I drove over to where he told me to go.  I drove around for another hour, checking all of the surrounding streets and trying to find my gym.  Apparently- even though the name of my gym is 24 hour fitness- it is not a 24 hour gym.  This one closes at 5 on the weekends.  I don't even get out of work until after 5, thanks gym, for being accommodating.  I'm glad I pay for a 24 gym that isn't 24 hours.  I'm glad they now have super gyms and the money I pay goes towards the ghetto only ones.  I will NOT be upgrading.

So what did I do?  Come home and make nacho's.  Screw it. I basically threw the whole week because I've been consuming too many calories every day and now I blasted myself out of the water.  AWESOME D, Awesome.

Hope everyone else is less sabotaging than I am.

I have a dinner on Tuesday.  A lobster dinner with my boss and a doctor and a caseworker.  I don't know how I'm going to do this.



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Do I cut more calories? Help!

So I've been using the Livestrong calorie counter app for iPhones, and I need advice.  The app adds back in the calories you burn for work for example, if my calorie limit for the day is 1000, and I burn 285 calories jogging, the app says that I need to eat 1285 calories to reach my limit.

Well, the last few days, I have burned around 600 calories working out.  When I'm trying to lose weight my caloric intake is usually around 1200-1250 (when working out, when not- it's more like 1000).  For the last two days, I've eaten around 1450 calories because the app keeps adding back in my calories I burned during workouts.  Should I cut back to 1200-1250 or should I follow the app and stay eating around 1450?  I don't feel like I"m really losing anything...however, it's also a little too early to tell.  I just don't want to waste 2 weeks and then get frustrated and give up.  Meanwhile the bestie is burning like no one's business, after one week I can already tell she's losing!  Even 5 pounds a month would make me completely happy, but I definitely want to lose the 5 every month.  If I get to the end of the month and it hasn't come off, I'll be upset.  My goal is to just be down for the holidays, especially when I go home in December. :)




Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Just another day

So my best friend came up from Orange County to play with me on Saturday night and I can already tell she's been working out.  It motivated me to dedicate myself even more and I'm proud to say that yesterday I went to yoga, and today I did yoga AND went running this morning before work.  I am on a roll!!  It feels good.  It feels really good and I'm excited to start seeing results myself soon.  It's not as easy for me as it is for her...for some reason (funny huh).

I'm slowly meeting new people/friends.  I met a girl that I've been going to yoga with everyday and already we're getting to be quite good buddies.  I'm going with her on Sunday to look at apartments.  I also went to a dinner on Sunday night at my friends house and there were about 10 people there; for some reason beyond my own comprehension I was witty and had the group laughing which gave me increased confidence and I ended up being quite social instead of having the normal social anxiety.  Dizzy is WINNING!!!

The job is fun and I love it so far- the hardest part right now is trying to develop relationships with the case managers.  They are distant and not friendly.  But I hope that with continued efforts, I can at least develop a decent working relationship with them.  We'll see.

XO my loves!


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Saturday...the day before Sunday

The workouts have been hard as I get up before work to go running, but I'm already feeling better.  Funny how just a little bit of movement can change your perspective and your "feel good" feelings...

My life is pretty mellow tonight.  I worked in Seal Beach today (I still do massage on Saturdays for extra $$) and now I'm just relaxing on the couch after a long nap this afternoon.  Money is still tight and will be until after Christmas.  I'm so thankful for the massage job to help keep me afloat as I get my bills in order and pay off some of the debts I accrued while working (and not getting paid) at the Aesthetics company.  I hope that doesn't sound bitter- I'm grateful for that experience and even more grateful it's over now.

I had to go have a physical this week for a requirement for my job.  I was super nervous to meet with the doctor because I don't even know the last time I had a physical and I didn't know what it would entail.  It was mainly them just checking my vitals- but I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks (trying to avoid the scale and go off clothing tightness, etc) and I almost asked the nurse to weigh me backwards so I wouldn't see.  Of course, my curiosity got the better of me and I changed my mind last second.  138!! Yes- in the middle of the day too.  I'd also like to report that my blood pressure was 119/79.  That's a big deal for me because my whole family suffers from high blood pressure and when I gain even a little weight, it shoots up hardcore.  So yay for me for being healthy and working out this week!!!

Okay my loves- I'm out.  Time to get ready for the weekend.  Tomorrow is my first day off in weeks!!! I LOVE IT!!!



Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm a fast food pawn.

I'm trying so hard to get myself under control.  Btw, my post has nothing to do with the title- I just couldn't think of anything clever to name this post.

I got up and went running this morning.  I know if I can just make myself work out for a week, it will get easier and I'll be able to get back into routine.  I tried to go to yoga tonight- but the traffic/parking is so horrific up here- that I missed the class AGAIN (2nd time in a week) because I couldn't find a parking spot ANYWHERE in the neighborhood OR parking garage.  Frickin LA.  The traffic and the rudeness of people is starting to get on my nerves.  I find myself screaming the "F" word more and more frequently whilst driving.  I'm wondering as I type this when the last time I didn't scream it out as I was in the car lately...has there even been a time since I moved here?  I don't think so.

So yeah.  I might have to switch some things up so I can actually make my yoga class.  I've considered riding my bike to the studio since it's not far away at all.  However, traffic is so bad that it makes me nervous to try and ride around on a bike where there are not designated bike lanes.  The roads can be narrow!  I could go earlier and earlier- but if people don't leave...there's really nothing I can do.  I live less than a mile and a half from the studio and I left 30 minutes early today and still missed the class.  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE.

Sorry that this post is all rambling.  As I've been thinking more and more about my diet and my workouts, etc, I realize that I have REALLY let things go.  I don't even remember all the things I know.  I mean, I remember some things, but someone had to give me tips today on how to be healthy.  I used to be SO healthy! ;)  I forget sometimes that it's an uphill battle.  And I will probably never reach the top (which is okay as long as I keep moving upwards).  We'll see.  It doesn't help that at my new job- everyday there are tons of treats and the whole staff is eating constantly.  Today was one girl's birthday so we had cake.  One bite with frosting (remember I'm addicted to sugar right now) and I had a stomach ache cause the frosting was so rich.  So what do I do?  Wipe off the frosting and keep eating cake.  Then, after I've justified that piece, someone hands me a fried banana.  Are you kidding?  Of course I had to eat it- can't be rude to my new colleagues.  So yeah...eating is NOT going as planned.

Other than my eating and lack of working out...nothing is new.  I'm still bored after I get off work.  I stay at work late because there's not much to do at home.  I still don't have furniture, so I just sit on a blow up mattress and type on my computer and hope the car alarm going off outside is not my car.  Even though the blow up mattress hurts my back, I love my little apartment and my life.  


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Thursday Musings..

I love love love my new life in LA.

However, I'm quasi bored.  I haven't really created a social life yet.  A normal girl would take this opportunity to work out and get skinny...but no, no.  At this point, I'm just trying to acclimate to my new life.  I have gone to yoga twice this far that's about all I've done.  I'm hoping to add more days of yoga and a few days of running next week; that's the goal anyway.  I've also allowed myself to eat whatever I want...which has been good and bad.  I went shopping earlier this week and so I've been eating at home...and I'm eating pretty decently.  However, I've become addicted to sugar again.  I know because the cravings are horrible right now; every time I eat...I crave something sweet.  In the mornings I look for something sweet.  But I haven't been drinking anything but water and I've been eating lots of fruits and veggies.  Overall I've gained about 8 pounds since this summer.  It's not too horrific, but I don't want to gain any more, and I'd love more than anything to lose those 8 pounds again.  I know it will happen, it's just kind of frustrating to see these numbers again.  However, I do feel like I'm getting healthier...I was so stressed out for so long.  I don't think I realized how stressed out I was until I got out of my situation.  I'm just grateful to be able to start sleeping and feeling normal again...

It's funny because I've noticed this week that some of my perceptions and some of my thoughts are changing as I work my new job.  For one, I'm starting to realize how important physical activity really is.  Just watching patients come in to our facility in a wheelchair, go through rehab, and then be able to walk out of our facility is amazing and a more powerful testament to me than anything else has been in awhile.  I have been more considerate of my body and my health needs this week than I have been in months.  I'm starting to consider my future- which I normally don't do.  It's interesting.  

Okay- more about that later- I don't want this post to get too long and drawn out.  XO!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

What's the problem

My friend came up to see me tonight in LA...he lives in Orange County.

It's been awhile since we hung out, so while we sat there and began catching up, we started talking about our lives.  He is single; I am single.  We've been friends for years- about 7 now.  The more we talked, the more I became convinced that there may not be a guy out there for me.  Sure, it sounds ridiculous when I just say it- but I'm serious!  I am LDS.  However, most LDS guys make me feel weird.  Of course I would like to meet and/or marry a guy who is mormon and understands my background.  However, most of the time- this seems to be the only common thread; I can't seem to be myself around mormon guys, no matter how hard I try.  I don't know if it's the religious aspect or what- but I am always trying to be "better" than I am.  I try to be more reserved; I try to be more conservative.  I end up trying to be someone I'm not- and I feel like it comes out of me regardless.  It comes out as phony.  I am not comfortable on most of my dates with LDS guys.  Or if I am, they never ask me out again.

Then there is the rest of the world.  Men.  Everywhere.  Normal men.  Good men.  But there is almost always something that holds me back.  Inevitably I feel guilty and end up walking away.  No matter how great the guy is- I am freaked out that they are not mormon and I get scared off.  I may genuinely like a guy for awhile, but I cannot really move forward and open up and really be myself because I am scared.  I'm scared to let go, but I'm scared to hold on.

I've been thinking about this for some time now...but I've been afraid to admit it.  The reason I'm single could be me.  How do I move away from this?


Monday, October 3, 2011

New Job: Day 1.

I am in love with my new life so far.

Today was my first day of work.  I think I'm going to really enjoy working at this new job.  I am working in a healthcare facility; it's a skilled nursing facility for short term and long term rehab for older patients that have just gone through some type of orthopedic surgery (usually).  Basically my job is to meet with doctors and case workers to persuade them to send their patients to our facility.  I met the majority of our current patients today and there are so many wonderful and exciting personalities that are staying in the facility and I can't wait to get to know them better.  I also can't wait to meet the new people that will be coming into the facility in the next couple months.  I am so excited and hopeful that I can really make things happen and do a great job!  My next step is to learn medical terminology though. :)  All the people I work with are medical professionals and they know their stuff and what they're talking about.  It's so different from working with sales guys that will just say whatever and make up whatever they need to in order to make a sale.  I actually felt intimidated a few different times today listening to people in the office talk to one another and to patient's families.  My team REALLY knows their stuff.  I love love love it; and I need to learn these things too so I don't have to keep faking it (I'm not faking it now but I don't want to have to ever fake it).

I went to yoga after work too.  I cussed my way through yoga is more like it.  I haven't been to yoga in over 3 weeks.  During the session, the instructor kept talking about 'breathing it out' and 'letting it go'...and I tried my best to let the stress of the last few weeks go.  I really really want to move on and not hold any anger or frustration in my heart from the past.  I know there are some of you that will say it's healthy to feel those things- and I agree.  But it's not healthy to harbor those feelings either.  I have felt them- now it's time to move forward and let them go.  Those feelings have also affected me physically.  Why is it that when I get stressed,  I tend to NOT work out instead of work out extra hard?  Working out is so good for you and helps your body to relieve why do I stop when I need it most?  Needless to say- I have some pain and soreness to get rid of. :)

Afterwards I went grocery shopping and came home and made pancakes in my little apartment.  Now I'm watching a TV show I pre-recorded (because I want to).  Have I mentioned that I love my little life in LA?



Saturday, October 1, 2011

new Life

So many things have happened since my last post.  I mean- SO MANY THINGS.

I'm not saying this to brag.  I'm trying to tell you why I've been MIA.  My life has been crazy.  I got the job. :)  As I was hanging up the phone with my new boss, my roommate informed me that she wanted to move out of our apartment.  Congratulations that you got the new job- let's move out.  So our 30 days got turned in.  Then the roommate decided that 30 days was too long and asked the landlord if we found new girls to move in...could we still get our full deposit back.  She said we could.  So the hunt was on.  I was literally coming to Los Angeles every day to try to find a new place to live (we had less than 2 weeks to move out), and she was securing the deal with new girls.  Two days before our time was up- I found a place.  Then I had to find people to help me move.  Then I had to move.  Then I had to work for 4 more days in a city over an hour away.  Monday I start my new job.  It's all happening so fast I can barely keep up.


But I'm happy.  I found my own apartment.  It's too expensive- but I love it.  I am working a second job so I can afford it.  I have had about 4 friends stop by in 3 days to check it out- and we have to sit on the floor because I dont' have a couch- and I go to bed smiling every night.  I don't have a roommate anymore.  I have a new job.  I have new goals...a new life.  I've had tender mercy after tender mercy after tender mercy and I am so happy and grateful for the blessings in my life.  I feel loved.  I feel blessed.  I am hopeful that I can make my life what I want it to be.

I have been thinking about my life a lot in the last few days as I've been moving and unpacking and changing.  There are some things I've realized...and I have realized that I am in control of my life and my destiny.  Yes, it's hard.  To get what you want.  But it's worth it- and it's worth trying for.  And I will.

I might be the happiest I've been in months...possibly even years.  Everything is perfect right now.  I hope I'm not over cheesy right now- but I can't help it.  I'm finally getting the things I want...

I'm not trying to be vague but I am running out the door- it's Saturday night and I've got a life to live. ;)