Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Quick Update

I decided today while at yoga that I think I'm going to make myself do a 30 day yoga challenge.  I've never done one- so why not?

I want to also run a few days a week while this challenge goes on.  I don't know what happened to my body lately, but I am so flabby and it's making me insane.  So I'm hoping that yoga, yoga sculpt (yoga with weights) and running can trim me down.  Plus I might give up a few things while on this rampage.  I have to be careful though- not to over do this little challenge of mine.

I saw in Shape magazine the other day that this month there is a "drop 10 pounds in 30 days" article/challenge thing.  I want to do it.  I can't imagine losing 10 in 30.  That's insane- yet motivating.  Dare I try it?

Other than that- everything is quiet.  Have not talked to any men.  I went in to work today and picked up a few extra massages for extra money.  I also spent half the day applying for jobs.  And then I went to yoga.

I feel at peace today with my life.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Professional Weeder

Today, while doing massages at work, I was thinking about everything that has transpired in the last week or so and I'm bummed.  It seems, as I put it out there- that everyone pretty much agrees- men just want to get laid.  Fine.  But being single and trying to weed through all of the scum bags of Southern California can be depressing at times; and I'm a little bummed that I haven't found anyone decent to date or hang out with in the last 4 months.  We don't even have to date- I just need a good guy friend to do things with cause I am around so much estrogen I'm suffocating lately.

I don't even know why I'm feeling pressure to find a guy to date lately anyway.  Maybe because both my roommates have someone and I am spending more and more time alone.  I have gotten increasingly lonely these last few months.  I decided this morning though, that from now on if a guy at a bar asks for my number, I'm not giving it to them- no matter how cute he is.  Every guy I have met at a bar so far in the last few months has been an aggressive ass.  The problem is I don't know where else to look to meet someone.  I hate online dating and can't bring myself to do it; that seems to wield the same types of results as the bar for me anyway...guys just looking to get laid.  I know you have to weed heavily online too- I'm over weeding all the time.  It's all I do- weed, weed, weed.  It's tiring and so old to me.  All these guys do the same things over and over- no one is original anymore.  My friends keep encouraging me to hold on- they have met good guys in the bar and also remind me that "hey, we're in the bar and we're good girls so..." but I can't seem to attract a normal guy in the bar.  Bar is out.  Online is out.  I've never met a guy at the gym or at the grocery store- so don't even mention it.  I don't really go to concerts, and I work Sundays now so I don't go to church anymore really...


Where can I look to find a good guy?



Monday, August 29, 2011

Day off

Today is my day off and I'm so excited about it.

It's the first day off I've had in 13 days.  I don't even know what to do with myself.  Since everyone else I know works on Mondays, I think I am going to go to the movies by myself and enjoy a matinee.  I swore yesterday that I was going to work out and go to yoga, but it seems like the last thing I want to do right now.  Maybe this afternoon?  I just want to be alone to process some of the feelings I've been feeling lately regarding the massage therapist and the other guy.  I don't know why I am so attached and in love with the massage therapist- he has so many problems and is such an ass sometimes, but almost instantaneously, as soon as I think of what an ass he is, I remember all the sweet things he would say and do.  He was very intimate with me; I'm not talking sexually- I'm talking about talking with me for hours on end about my family and his family and our dreams and traveling the world together and etc etc etc...holding my face and keeping his face close to my neck and face and kissing me and whispering sweet things in my ear about how he thinks about me all the time and he has big plans for our futures and has never met a girl like me and on and on and on.  Ahhhh...the things he would say to me.  The way he held me and pressed his face into my hair and face and neck...I'll stop now, like you want to read this stuff- I don't.  I don't want to remember what a good kisser he was or how tender he can be- it's painful today, especially as I kick douche #2 to the curb.  Douche #2 reminded me that MT (douche #1) was actually pretty decent.  Anyway, I need to clear my head, so I am off to spend the day by myself.  Hopefully I can muster up a workout when I get back.



Saturday, August 27, 2011

The text from hell.

I don't know why, but lately I feel extra fat and flabby.  Like- extra extra fat and flabby.  The scale keeps saying I weigh around the same, but my double chin keeps laughing in my face when I look in the mirror.  I'm irate about it.  I like, seriously want to cut it off.

Tonight I was talking to a friend and she has about 70 lbs to lose.  She called me to let me know she bought 3 pairs of running shoes, she started a kickboxing class, and she's also starting South Beach.  While we discussed how not to lose yourself in the rampage...I started wondering why I don't make weight loss more of a priority- especially because I know it would make me so much happier if I would just lose these last 15.  The longer they are around, the more I hate and despise them.  I've had my days where I think it's so hard and I can't do it- but I've also done it before, so I know it can be done.  Why can't I just make it a priority and stick to it?

Part of it is this depression/funk I'm in.  The new boy is kind of a douche.  Today I was at work and opened my phone to find a picture of his penis.  Why he felt the need to send it to me I will never know.  I did not ask to see that veiny, red INFLAMED looking thing.  I will never understand why men MUST show you their it a testosterone thing?  SICK.  I don't want to see that thing, seriously.  There is NOTHING in me that is like- I wonder what his penis looks like.  NOTHING.  He let me know earlier this week he would not be sending me pictures of it because he was a gentlemen, to which I let him know I had no desire to see it, so thank you.  It occurred to me today that he's obviously been itching to send that pic for several days.  I'm just turned off- it's so typical and I'm so over it.  Chalk him up as another idiot- on to another.



Friday, August 26, 2011

Does Beauty = Power?

So today was another good day.

One of my best friends who lives in LA called to let me know that she might have a potential job for me.  My roommate also referred me to her recruiter who has helped place her in the past in prestigious companies, and I was able to get some things done that have really needed to get done.  I'm feeling a little hopeful again for the first time in awhile.  

So today I was having a discussion with one of my clients at work and I want your thoughts on this...

He went off today in the massage about women who are attractive and know they are he hates that they use their looks to get what they want.  I know this comment was partially directed at me; I say partially because in that moment I was explaining to him that I love being in my 30's because I can date men who are older and men who are younger than me.  He is 16 years older than me and has made it clear that he would be interested if I was/am.  I am not- nor will I ever be...not only because he is my client, but also because I'm just not.  Anyway, I was saying that even though I did this (dated younger and older guys) in my 20's too, I am older now and know myself better so I am more confident than I was in my 20's, and therefore get better results than I did in my 20's (even though I had age on my side in my 20's).  He was immediately disgusted- but I didn't feel like I was admitting I'm a hot tamale...I felt like I was saying- CONFIDENCE is the key- not looks.  But it got me thinking...while I totally don't feel that I have ever been cute enough to do this (use my looks to get what I want), I don't really see anything wrong with it- as long as you're not hurting anyone.  Am I wrong?  Is it wrong to use your looks to get a better deal, or get a job, or whatever, or should you stick strictly to brain power, chemistry, charm, confidence, intelligence (whatever)?  I need some input here folks!  He was super fired up- but I wasn't saying what he thought I was saying.  I have been turned down many a time by men who weren't 'falling for it' when I did try to use my looks, so is it a 'fault' if someone does fall for it?




Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fabulous Day


Today has been the best day ever.  First of all- upon awaking, I felt skinny.  So I weighed in and confirmed- weight is down to a number I haven't seen in quite a few months.  I am ecstatic at the moment.  Again, I don't know what I did for this drop...but I'll take it.  I am excited and motivated.  Then I went to work, got out an hour and a half early, got offered another part time job by an old client of mine (she owns a medspa- can we say FINALLY!?), had an ice cream cone from McDonalds, and THEN...came home and found THIS in my mailbox:

Hahahha!!!  I love this card- straight from my favorite blogger- Drazil.  She is so thoughtful and wonderful to send me this card.  Thank you D- thank you thank you thank you.  Made my DAY!!!! She added the most precious note on the inside too- I seriously love it soo much.

Guess what else made my day?  Last night the massage therapist texted me.  I let him know, very kindly, that he could not come over and see me.  I was very pleasant; the honest truth is I care about him deeply but I deserve respect and not talking to me for almost a month and then asking if he could show up drunk at 2 am is not acceptable.  It is officially over for me.  I am so happy that when it came time to prove that I care about myself and I won't accept this kind of behavior- I was able to stand up for myself and stick to what I want for me.  I feel so free and ready to meet the right kind of guy now.  I will always care about the MT because I really opened up to him and let him know so much about me- but that just serves to let me know that if I can do that once- I can do it again- with the right guy. :)

So yeah- today has been amazing!  I am so happy!  Now if I can just get myself to go to yoga and go running...



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The skinny

Hi loves!

I don't have much to report but I just can't seem to let that last post be the most current post on my page right now.  I want to thank the 2 of you who said something- it really helps to know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with familial issues, especially at this age.

In other news...I met another new guy...well- Sunday I went out with my friends and 3 guys got my number...but so far only one of them has actually texted and called me.  He is rather cute if I don't mind saying so myself.  Out of the 3 I met, he would be the one I would actually want to talk to- so that is good.  I would tell you more but I've realized over the last few posts that I'm always meeting new men and telling you guys, and none of them really work out so what's the point.  Plus I've gotten super paranoid about my blog lately.  I've come across some info about some other people that they don't know I've come across...(internet you are...informative) and if I found out that someone I knew was secretly reading my blog I would die.  So I'm keeping hush about this boy until a later time.  But know he is cute and he is genuine and sweet and I'm appreciative of him so far.

Ever since I had that interview at the Plastic Surgeon's office (they still never called, btw), I've become super annoyed with my weight.  I'm 15 lbs over my "ideal" weight for my height; usually I don't mind THAT much, but lately I do.  Especially now that I've met this new boy (I will say this much- he is an athlete...not just work out guy- he actually plays a sport for work) I'm super paranoid about my weight and ready to drop some lbs.  I know he met me at this weight and so he must be okay with it because he still came up and talked to me- but for some reason I feel fat and want to be much skinnier the next time I see him (which will probably be tonight or tomorrow anyway).  I know it's impossible to get skinnier before I see him again, but my point is a new fire has been lit under my ass.  I WILL GET SKINNY.

New rampage anyone??



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

No you didn't

****Warning!!! This is a venting post and probably not exciting to most of you.  It will possibly get deleted asap.

So I told my sister a huge secret the other day about some drama in my life and of course, despite her swear to secrecy, she told my mom.  I'm now in a huge fight with my family. HUGE.  I don't know when I will be speaking to them again.  They don't know I'm as upset as I am; in their minds- they are allowed to be upset because I didn't tell them this drama sooner (it actually transpired in May and it's now August), but I'm a little bugged that we had to have a conversation about it at all.  I don't know why my family doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to honor confidentiality- but it has always been this way and the last time I told my mom something in confidence (probably a year ago now) and she barged right over to my sister and said something, I knew it was a problem.  She felt justified in saying something because it was about her; it was never addressed once that I asked her not to say anything.  When I brought it up- she was like, "well since it was about me, I needed to confront her".  Okay.  I decided right then and there never to say something to my mother again.  Now my sister.  She has kept confidences for me before so I thought I could trust her with this one- but alas...she 'got concerned' and called my mom.

It's not that I don't believe that she was concerned- or that my mom doesn't have a right to be concerned; the secret was a serious one.  It's the approach, and the inability my family has to keep a secret.  I can't win with my mom.  If I blow up- I'm in the wrong.  If I silently sit on the phone and let her say whatever she needs to say- I'm still in the wrong.  I don't know how to react so that she will stay calm and drop an issue- she is absolutely incapable of just saying something and then dropping it.  She gets all emotional and is looking for a fight most of the time.  I sighed tonight because the lecture had started and I'm TIRED from working all day- and I got a remark for that.  I didn't even realize I did it until I was called out for it...again, me in the wrong.  I can't be patient enough while my mother lectures me- at 33 years old- for my choices.  If I say "okay"- it's wrong.  You don't get it- I literally cannot win.  I CANNOT WIN.  Despite the fact that it was MY trust that was betrayed, I'm now the one who is in the wrong because now everyone is concerned that I'm not making smart choices.

2 days ago, when they didn't know about the drama from 5 months ago- I was capable of making healthy living choices.  Now that they know this one thing- not even something I did, but something I was involved in (and that other people say I handled EXTREMELY WELL), I am uncapable of being a grown ass woman who can take care of myself.  My mother worries incessantly that because I am not married and I live so far away- there are too many evils in the world that could get me at any moment.  2 days ago- this wasn't the case.  They forget that I'm a fun loving woman.  That I'm smart.  That I've been living as a single woman in California for 3 years.  That I've lived as a single woman MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE.  I know not to walk outside after dark alone.  I know how to get rid of a douche-bag at the bar...I also know how to pick friends and clean my car and pay my bills...has it ever occurred to anyone that I might be okay??  Has it ever occurred to anyone that I might know what I'm doing and that I can be trusted to be a grown woman?? ANYONE!?

So yes- my mother called- and for the first half hour- she was normal and I was excited because I thought for the first time- she is not going to do this to me (I already knew she knew because my sister called to confess...knowing that my mother was going to call me and confront this "issue").  Then she brought it up.  She started asking undermining questions that we both knew she already knew the answers to- and she knew would piss me off- (and she did).  So I tried- as I always do- to just go into some subservient mode- even though it pisses me off so bad and it's all I can do to just sit there- and let her have her go.  I just want out of the lectures and the speeches like I'm 5 years old again, but she will never NOT do it.  And she will be upset that I'm not excited about it either- but she also will NEVER change the way she approaches any topic because it works for her.  It doesn't work for anyone else- but by golly it works for her.

Anyway- this is getting too detailed and a cute boy started distracting me with precious texts so I'm going to stop.  Just know I'm pissed.  I don't know when I'm going to talk to them again.  I am not going to apologize for not telling them sooner.  THIS IS WHY!  It's overly dramatic and blown out of proportion and then pressure is put on me to figure it out immediately. And when they tell each other- they dramatize and exaggerate it too so it just turns into the worst thing that could've possibly happened to any human being on earth; and now D must fix it IMMEDIATELY despite all of the other shit she has going on with in her life that she is also dealing with.  In case anyone forgot- D "dealt" with it 5 months ago when it happened.  Now my decision must be submitted to the board of sister and mother from approval.  NO THANK YOU.

Gotta run- sorry if you read this.  It's filled with anger and frustration.  Like I said, I"ll be deleting it soon.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm a kisser

So last night I went out with my roommate and a new guy she is seeing; we went to sushi and then I wanted to go dancing for a bit- so they accompanied me to a little local spot...and I met the cutest little 25 year old and just had to make out with him to make myself feel better.  The 25 year old's name is the male version of my name and for some reason, I got a huge kick out of that and started kissing him.  Who does that?  Me.

I love to make out.  I love kissing so so so much; I try to do it as much as I possibly can.  I've been known, on several different occasions, to kiss more than one boy in a night- there is something about kissing that I can just never get enough of.  Maybe I shouldn't do that (kiss multiple boys in the same night), but I find it harmless because I don't go home with anyone afterwards.  I'm single and so the opportunities are not always available to me (to kiss extensively- which is why I think I love it so much).  When I do finally get an opportunity- I have to take full advantage- and last night I did!!  He was such a good kisser too; kissed just the way I love.  Soft and tender; holding my face in his hands while he smooched me.  He was so HOT too! Sigh.  I know this sounds completely vain but he was really really good looking and that boosted my ego too because young hotties like that don't usually attract to me; they usually can be found with the skinny little youngins.

I admit I've kissed one other boy since things went south with the therapist (last weekend I kissed someone new) and it was hard; I love the way the therapist kissed me the most.  When I kissed the guy last weekend- I realized I didn't really want to kiss anyone new.  Sad!  Oh well, time to move on.  I have realized this week (and I think this is good at least) that I want more.  And I will not settle until I get what I want.  There are a lot of things I want and even though I've hit some hiccups in the road, I can still be happy and hopeful because I can still get what I want in the end. :)

I have seven days of massage ahead with no days off and I'm not excited.  Time to head to bed so I can be rested for tomorrow!



Thursday, August 18, 2011


I couldn't help it and I started trolling jobs again.

I might have an addiction to looking for jobs.  I was looking for a night gig- a waitressing job or something to supplement my income and help me pay off my bills, and then I found a gig at a plastic surgeon's office and I couldn't help it- I had to apply.  Well!  I've got an interview in an hour.  I'm beyond ecstatic.  I am trying to keep myself calm and remember- it's just an interview and I'm trying not to let my hopes get too high.  But the chick told me on the phone that I will "love working here, it's so much fun" and that is basically what did me in.

I've researched the position and the website and all of the procedures he offers (the doctor), and I feel really good about working there (if I get the job).  I would have benefits again.  I would have a normal schedule with weekends off.  If I really wanted to be ambitious, I could go get a side job at massage envy or even stay at the chiropractor's office on the weekends for awhile to help me make extra $$ to pay off my bills...if I wanted to.  I wonder if the girls that work there get free facials and treatments and stuff. How exciting?  I mean REALLY!?  Why am I so in love with the beauty/aesthetic industry?  I think most of the machines are crap- I think most women who get a lot of work done look plastic...and yet I cannot stay away from it.  It's another addiction, I swear.

I hope this is it; I really, really do.  My resume is starting to look shot- I've had 3 jobs in the last 3 years I've lived here.  In my defense, 2 out of the 3 I took because I needed a job- so of course, 2 days into the job I started looking.  I'm not one of those people that can continue going to work despite hating it- if I hate it, I start looking.  ALWAYS LOOKING.  I was talking to someone about this the other day and she made me take a personality test and sure enough- according to the test, I'm the type of person that changes my mind often and tries a bunch of different things.  I also get bored easily.  Surprise.  I'm already bored typing about all of this.  My point is- I need to find something I love so I can stick with it.  I've wanted to work in marketing for a plastic surgeon's office since I got here- and now hopefully I might get that chance. ;)

I'm in a really good mood right now.  I'm hopeful.  All morning I was busy plotting my new life and strategy and it was totally nice to be distracted from the hairy, stinky men I had to keep massaging.

And now I've got to go!



Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Surprise of the day

Well, I shit my pants today.

I'm not kidding.  I literally shit my pants; I've never done that before in my adult life (I don't think I ever did it as a child either- but if I did, I've blocked it from my memory).  I can also say- up until today- I was pretty confident that I would NOT do this in my adult life- at least until much much later in life.  I'm so thankful I wasn't at work- seriously.  I'm even more grateful that I was home ALONE when it happened.  I know this is graphic- so those of you with a weak stomach, forgive me- but I just thought I had to fart!  I was just relaxing on the sofa, watching tv (it's my day off) and apparently I had a quick dose o' diarrhea.  Just one quick dose- after the shower and the bathroom scrubbing and all clothes in the wash and the gagging and a bunch of cussing- it never happened again.  I pray it never happens again.  I never even felt the boiling/churning that comes with diarrhea usually.  Just a quick squirt and then on with my day.  Only it wasn't just a "quick squirt" but I won't get into how much really soaked my clothes and dripped down my leg and stuff.  UGH.

The other good news is- I didn't get any on the couch or carpet- but I did say "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" about a million times on my way to the bathroom.  Maybe because it was my first time shitting my pants so I didn't really know it was happening and it kind of took me by surprise.  Awesome- another thing I get to have anxiety about.

So that's how MY day has been going...

In other news- I've still kept 2.5 of the mysterious 3 off.  I am now motivated because it's still gone- I went running AND did yoga today before the shitting incident.  I've also eaten pretty well (salads and toast for breakfast), and I've drank a ton of water.  It was the salad- I know it was the salad.  I made a tomato salad with mozz balls in it for lunch.  I know it was that stupid salad!

I'm also a little nervous because tonight me and "the girls" are going to Olive Garden.  I can NOT pig out- I barely dipped back into the 130's and I intend to stay here for awhile- which means I have to watch myself.  Dang it.  I don't have much control when it comes to Olive Garden's buttery breadsticks and the boats of Alfredo they grace our table with.  Oh I know these items will be ordered- they are the reason we go there.  I'm also nervous about my stomach now...I will NOT be happy if a rumble ensues and I have another bathroom issue.

Hope your day wasn't as shitty as mine. :)




Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Some good...and some better

Well, I met with the boss last night to clear the air.  He was very nice about things and we're "friends" again.  I feel better and I'm glad things are resolved.

I'm still looking for a second job; nothing new there.

My weight mysteriously dropped 3 pounds yesterday and i weighed in again today at the same low weight.  It's not a new low or a low I've never hit before or anything, but it's just curious to me that I'd drop 3 pounds over night and then keep it off for another 24 hours.  I'm not sure what I did to drop the 3 pounds, but I'm kind of excited about it and it's motivated me to go to yoga and go running today and tomorrow.  Funny how when you hit certain lows, you get motivated to keep going; and on the flip (for me anyway), when I hit certain highs- I give up all together cause I feel obese.

Other than that- nothing is new.  Still just holding on...



Monday, August 15, 2011

Are you serious

My life is so messed up right now.

Things have become evident in the last 48 hours that the massage therapist is avoiding me.  I thought that I was avoiding him until he texted me Friday night- but I'm starting to realize that in actuality- he is avoiding me.  I'm not sure what happened or why he's avoiding me, but now that I'm realizing it- it's driving me insane.  I hate relationships- especially when you're dealing with someone that won't talk to you or explain why they won't talk to you.

The boss texted me yesterday too.  He is hurt that I haven't tried harder to be his friend since he fired me.  Is this a joke?  HE is upset with ME...for not trying to be HIS friend, after he fired ME.  I wish I were a mature person, and when he texted me I could've dealt with it in a mature fashion- but when someone comes at me guns blazing, I don't exactly throw up a peace flag.  Instead I fire back- and fire back is what I did.  I don't think it's what he expected or anticipated- and I think I may have made things even worse.  Part of me doesn't care.  Part of me doesn't know what to say.  He kept sending these texts that were like "okay- have a nice life" and I just kept sending texts that said "what did you expect would happen?".  I'm a bitch.

I also met a new guy this weekend.  The problem is I'm broken from the massage therapist right now and really can't do anything.  We hung out last night and I could barely focus on anything he was saying or doing.  I feel horrible but I just cannot do it right now.  All I want to do is workout and avoid my whole life.



Saturday, August 13, 2011

I got anger management issues. What else is new.

So I was thinking today as I was at work- being a massage therapist- that I really love being a massage therapist.  I haven't been a full time massage therapist for like- 5 years.  I have worked in the professional world forever- and being able to just go to work and make $200 a day and make people feel good (and not have to think or figure out how to solve the worlds problems) really just makes me happy.  My mom and roommate have both commented that they can tell things are shifting for me- the stress and the worry are gone in my life and right now I'm free to just enjoy myself.  As I was thinking about how much I love my job- I was thinking also about how great my life is and I am really happy and at peace with most of it.  There are still a few things that need to be resolved:

 1) I had a pretty bad falling out with my boss from the sales company and I know I need to call and make up with him.  We were friends; so naturally I took it very personally that I got fired/quit.  But now that I've had some time to cool off- I realize that if it wasn't for him- I would probably not still be in California.  He did help me out by paying my rent twice for me- because he believed I would be able to sell a machine and make it back and pay him back eventually.  I wasn't able to sell a machine, but I will still pay him back- it will just take some time. I'm not a grudge holder and I'm not someone who is comfortable with having hard feelings and having someone else have hard feelings- I know deep down his feelings are hurt that I completely cut him out of my life when I quit/fired.  I deleted him as a friend off facebook and that did the trick- he got the hint and left me alone.  So I know he won't call me- it will have to me to call him.

2) I have a boy that I've been dating off/on for about a month now (the massage therapist/friend forever and now maybe more guy) and our communication is terrible.  I do things to him too when I'm upset.  I mean, I don't "do" things...and that's the problem- when I get upset or he doesn't do exactly what I want- I go silent and ignore him until I'm cooled off and then he texts me days later.  Same thing- when I get pissed at someone- I completely cut them out until I've either cooled off, or I've decided to deal with it, which I usually don't want to do.  I've done this twice now (to the massage therapist).  It drives him crazy and I can tell it's driving him crazy and I know it's not fair- so I need to knock it off.  It's causing a rift; I didn't talk to him for almost 2 weeks this time until he texted me last night- and the first thing he said after I responded back to him was- "you don't have to just quit responding to me every time I text something you don't like you know lol".  He tried to text me a week ago but I was still so upset that I didn't respond until the next day.  He didn't text me again til last night.  I do like him- that's the problem- I'm scared to be vulnerable...especially to someone that I didn't think I'd ever end up dating (we were friends for so long).

So there you have it- my new project.  Find another job to help me pay off my debt faster, and quit being a baby and giving everyone the silent treatment when I'm upset.

I do love my life. :)



Friday, August 12, 2011

Not a good fit.

Well, I didn't get the job at the swank restaurant in Newport. Ugh.  Back to the drawing board.

They called me this morning and left a message to tell me I wasn't a good fit for them.  Ha.  They kept claiming all night that since their service is impeccable, it takes a certain type of person to work there.  First of all- I don't know where they got the idea that their service is impeccable.  I've been in and out of the restaurant industry for 7 years...I know impeccable service when I see it.  It wasn't there; sorry- but it wasn't.  I've given impeccable service- this place was mediocre at best.  I even looked on Yelp before I went in to do that shift and after 140 something comments- the majority of customers agreed that the service gets like- 3 out of 5 stars if that.  That's NOT IMPECCABLE FOLKS.  I know California service sucks so they probably THINK they give great service compared to other restaurants around here- but I know good service and I didn't really see anything stellar last night.

Then there was the issue of me shadowing a girl with an attitude.  I don't know what I did- or if it was even me- but she was bitching all night about the host staff and how they don't know how to seat people, and even her customers.  When we passed one of her tables, a guest grabbed my arm and asked where her ice cream was.  I told the server, who got all upset and started bitching that it's on it's way soon enough and they need to calm down- and they better watch it because they were starting to irritate her.  Okayyyy.  I have no idea why it was so irritating to her but whatever.  I asked her- is it because they've been here for so long?  They were like- 85 years old!  Of course they are going to take their time with dinner!  She said that wasn't it.  I asked if it was because they were "high maintenance" (which I didn't think they were but I couldn't figure out why else she would be irritated) and she said yes, that was it, but I wasn't convinced.  She freaked out about 5 minutes later and asked that I shadow someone else; so I'm guessing that when the manager asked her how it was to have me follow her- her reviews weren't stellar because she was irritated.  Maybe I shouldn't have told her that her guests were asking where their food was?  I'm not sure.  Oh well.  All I can say to myself over and over is that it's okay- it wasn't meant to be and I'll find something else.  I'll find a restaurant where I can work and not be stressed out constantly about the mediocre impeccable service.  I think that was the other issue; no matter how many times they asked me if it was overwhelming me yet- I kept saying no.  BECAUSE IT WASN'T OVERWHELMING.  The servers only have 3 tables per section; yes there are a ton of things to do, especially because they are trying to give good service.  But it just wasn't anything that I didn't think I could handle- maybe I should've pulled more of my hair out.  Again- oh well.

So yeah, back to the job board.  Fingers crossed!



Thursday, August 11, 2011

Easiness of the Way

So I have 7 minutes until I leave for my last interview at a local restaurant and I couldn't be happier.  I hear the servers at this place make bank.  I am making decent money already at the chiropractor's office I am working at now.  If I can just suck it up for 6 months- 1 year or longer, I might be able to pay off the horrific debt I've built up.  I like this place (I'm interviewing at).  It's very chic...classy, and expensive.  It's located in "Fashion Island" in Newport Beach...which I would hope from the name alone you can guess is an upscale neighborhood.

The great thing about working jobs like waiting tables and massage is that they're low stress.  As long as you show up and do your job (and you do it right and don't do anything crazy)- you're usually not at risk for losing your job.  And I have a feeling with the way that the economy is going right now- that having a little job security might be beneficial for the moment.  Of course I intend to look for a "real" job eventually...just not right now.  I'm enjoying the lightness of the load...and until my debt is paid off- I don't want to constantly be worrying if A) I'll lose my job or B) where more $$ is going to come from.

Okay loves- sorry it's short but I have to get to my interview!  Wish me luck!!



Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Thank you all for the kind words on yesterday's post.  It has been an exhausting 18 hours or so, so to have your words lift me back up is amazing and I thank you. :)

I don't think yesterday would have been as bad except last week the boy that I've been seeing, the one that was one of my best friends for over a year now and then around 4 of July we started becoming "more", also let me know that this isn't working out for him.  I was thinking about that today as I was driving up to drop off my demo machine at corporate; it has been a 1-2 punch kind of week.  But I keep reminding myself that at least the ugly extensions that have been weighing me down are cut off and now I can move on- healthily.  Not that I thought he was an ugly extension- he wasn't, but he did have some issues and even though I was willing to accept them and him as he is- he doesn't want to be here.  So I keep trying to remind myself that now I don't have to deal with all of that and I can move forward.  I'm free!!!!!

Saying that to myself- "I'm FREEE" feels really good.  It lifts my spirit; I think I should say it to myself more often.  You should try it.  Say it to yourself like you mean it- look in the mirror and say- "I am FREEE!" I am free from the stress of that job; it has weighed me down and stressed me out like nothing I have ever experienced before...and I'M FREE OF IT.  FREEEEEEE.  I hope you're grasping the lightness that I feel by saying that- I keep typing it out but I don't know if it affects you like it's affecting me in this moment.  I don't have to let my burdens weigh me down.  They have for the last 4 months.  Isn't it all a mind game anyway?  We tell ourselves we're too tired, or too heavy, or this job is too much, or the sting will ruin me...but it won't.  It makes us stronger and we can FREE ourselves from that stress and worry and anxiety and pain at any moment.  Or at least I am able to right now for a moment (which I'll totally take).

I also went through and started cleaning out everything I have of the company.  It felt even better to throw everything away.  All of my brochures and business cards and training manuals.  Buh bye now.  Let's clear that space for something new...

I want to go celebrate!  I want to go have a Sprinkle's cupcake.  Unfortunately I am too poor.  But I also want to go to yoga and I can afford to do that. :)

So yes my friends, life does move forward and on...and away from this place.  If you are in a dark place- hold on because there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  You CAN BE FREE too. ;)



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

One less...

I got "fired" from my sales job today. Ha.  I was told when I was "hired" that I didn't work for the company; so how can they fire someone that doesn't work for them? I also tried to quit yesterday, and my boss stalled and started asking me a bunch of questions like, "Who said something to you?  Why are you trying to quit- I'm confused..." Sigh.  I think he just wanted to be able to call today and fire me so it could show on record that he fired me instead of me quitting.

It's just a blow to my ego.  I've never been fired before.  I know I quit working and went and got other jobs because I was too poor to keep trying to sell machines- but it still feels shitty to get that phone call.

In other news, I applied for that second job today as a server in a restaurant.  Who cares what I'm doing as long as I'm making money- right?  I don't.  If there is a man out there that is truly concerned about me being a waitress vs a professional...well...he was probably after status and money anyway.  I just want to be able to start paying down this horrific debt I've accrued trying to sell machines.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I am so bummed right now.  I knew this was coming- but still- nothing prepared me for the sting.  :(


Monday, August 8, 2011

Jobs life is changing in ways I didn't expect and I've decided to try to come back and be more committed to my blog again.

I haven't really wanted to write.  I don't know if it's a "break" I needed to take, or if the drama is just too much, or what.  But I got an email recently from someone who asked to post some links on my blog and it kind of spurred a remembrance in me.  A remembrance in why I loved blogging.  I'm still deciding what to do..

As far as my weight is concerned- I'm up up up.  I'm particularly large these days...for me.  I'm too depressed to do anything about it.

As far as my job goes- I don't have one.  Well, I have one, but it's not a "real" job.  I work at a chiropractor's office 5 days a week as a massage therapist.  I am looking for a new restaurant to serve in as well for more $$.  I think I might have found one last night- if they'll hire me.  The other restaurant didn't work out.  It's okay- I'm super grateful to have a job at all right now.  It's hard on my body to be working this much- but I need the money so I try to just ignore the pain I feel. :)

I'm poor people.  Like- REALLY poor.  But you know what?  I'm not sorry that I took the leap and tried to do something new.  I really still believe things could have worked out if the company I chose to work for had been an honest company.  The good news is- it's no longer my problem- I am quitting (probably) today; depending on when my boss gets back from out of town.  I took a leap because I believed in myself.  I learned so much and gained so much experience in these last few months- I'm not sorry at all that I took the job and the leap and that I failed miserably.  It's okay- life goes on.  I will find a new job eventually and be okay, I know it.

So...time to pull my life back together and get back to things.  How is everyone else?  I need to read some blogs and catch up!