Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Almost got arrested...naked. Ha!

You'll be proud to know I went running again yesterday.  Today I might just go to yoga; my legs are not used to the 4 miles I'm trying to tack on them everyday right now.  Can we say holy flab?  I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing- honestly.   

The sun is out and it's insanely gorgeous here in HB today.  I mean, insanely gorgeous.  Wish I could somehow capture it and put it on my blog for you to sample.  The sun, the temperature, everything about this day (weather wise) is perfect.  I never get over the fabulous weather here.  When I was talking to Wisconsin/Chicago boy back in Jan/Feb, he said he would never move somewhere like this because he didn't want to get used to such great weather.  Wha????? That doesn't even make sense.  I have lived here for 3 years and I'm still not used to it.  LOVE IT...maybe I'll go running after all.

OR I might go lay out for a bit.  Did a little bit of work this morning but now I want to take advantage of the freedom that my job offers and the beauty of the weather I'm not enjoying by being inside. 

I do have a boy story..if anyone cares... Wanna hear about it?  Keep reading if you want to see a night in the life of Dizzy...

So there is a boy I've known for about a year now- he is my friend I've told you about that is also a massage therapist and is helping me find a job.  We met at the bowling alley about a year ago; he goes to my church and lives just around the corner from me.  When we met, he was interested right away- the first night he was kissing my finger and asking me if I wanted to go out sometime.  I'm trying to remember if we ever had a real date; can't remember now.  He's always kind of liked me, and I have gone back and forth on liking him; sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  I think we just ended up making out a few times when we first met and then he kind of disappeared.  He told me later that he started dating this girl that lives in Southern Orange county (about 45 min away) and we just became friends after that.  

Lately we've been hanging out a lot again; he's been calling me to give me updates on the places he works in case I want to work there too (he works in several NICE resorts down here).  Last night he hit me up to see if I wanted to do dinner and we ended up out and about.  One thing led to another and the next thing you know, we were streaking on the beach at midnight, trying to avoid the police who comb the beach after curfew.  I don't streak, ever.  I don't think I ever have, let alone with a man.  Let alone when there is a damn spotlight combing the beach looking for trespassers.  I was running my ass off- you would think that my life depended on that run.  It kind of did- there was no way in hell I was letting a cop catch my naked ass, or really hold still long enough for this dude to really get a good look at me in my birthday suit.  Needless to say, after all of that fun- we ended up on one of the lifeguard towers, giggling and kissing like crazy (after our clothes were back on).  Of course.

After it got too cold to stay out there, we went back to his house (he lives a block away from the water) and he built a little bed out on the patio and we slept under the stars with tons of blankets.  It was really fun and this morning he was being so sweet and cute before he left for work.  I tried SUPER HARD to get him to stay home today and just hang out with me; I kept throwing out all the things I know he loves that we could do on our day off, but the good man went to work like he should.


Needless to say- I had a good night last night.  Like I said- I need to fill the pipeline with new boys- why not start with an old friend??



Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pre- Rampage

Some of you may or may not have noticed..

My blog never seems to be about health anymore.  I've been so consumed with my life and my job and making any $$ to survive- that food and health have kind of been the last things on my mind.

Until my roommate reminded me that it's one week til the 4th of July. Eek.

Here, where we live in Southern California (Huntington Beach especially), the 4th of July is a BIG DEAL.  I think a 4th of the state of California's population shows up in Huntington Beach on this weekend.  If you live here- you cannot leave your house- EVER during the weekend, or you will lose your parking spot (unless you're one of those lucky sons of bitches that has your own garage).  I live downtown and it is especially heinous down here.  There are not many garages, and half the time people will park in front of them anyway because there is no where else to park.  But I'm getting side tracked- who cares about all the parking problems?  My point is- the place is PACKED.  Rats...(as we call them) are running a muck all over the city. Packs of rats in bikini's and surf shorts and nothing else.  EVERYWHERE.

I cannot be the only person on this side of the continent in clothing.

The good news is- yesterday I weighed myself and I weighed in at 138.4  Not great- but I can work with this.  So last night I went running.  I ate super controlled yesterday and went running 4 miles last night.  Rampage on.  The good thing about this rampage is even if I only lose 2 pounds- I would still rather lose them then not. I don't anticipate losing a ton of weight because I only have a week...but since it's only a week I can suck it up.  Working out and losing weight and watching what you eat all seems to take up so much energy- energy I've been focusing elsewhere.  BUT NOT THIS WEEK.

It felt good to be back on the wagon yesterday.  The run felt amazing.  Now I'm blogging in attempt to avoid running right now (I need to run before I take my shower and head up to the office for a bit).  Just because I did it once does not mean I don't dread doing it again.  But I told myself last night- I can be dedicated for a week.  I can make working out a priority.  I can make eating healthy a priority.  Even if only for a week.

I've also been laying out like crazy too.  Which is horrible for your skin and I admit- being in the skin care industry- I feel guilty about it.  But I must!  I will not be a polar white on the 4th!  I'm already super behind everyone else- after laying out Saturday AND Sunday last weekend- I finally got a tan line.  FINALLY.

So yeah- rampage on.  I'm trying to meet new boys; all the old ones except one have been cut.  The one who has NOT been cut...just won't go.  I've tried like- 8 times.  He. Will. Not. Give. Up.  I spent the night at his house the other night.  He called yesterday to say thank you for spending the night.  Nothing happened (physcially) besides some kissing- but I still thought that was really sweet of him to call.  I don't know though- something about him is just not working for me- but I'm not sure what it is.  Anyway- we'll delve into that a little more another time- This post is about the 4th.

What are you doing for the 4th...any plans yet?



Friday, June 24, 2011

New Hope

Well...things are starting to look up from where I'm at!

Yesterday was a huge day.  I have been in a depressed pyscho funk for days, and yesterday was no different.  Wake up in the morning- no desire to do anything but lay in bed and cry.  I haven't been able to figure out what I should do- I've been looking for new jobs but nothing has popped up so I've continued trying my best to sell a machine in hopes that something would come through in the mean time.  My boss, who is trying his best to help me, invited me to a Spa event on Wednesday night.  There were so many spa connections there and I worked hard to network and get to know as many people as I could; not only for work's sake but also because I was hoping to meet some people I could maybe work for/with at some point.  I realized Wednesday night though, that I'm still too new in this arena to really be trying to leave my current job.  Plus, it's tacky to be at a function representing one company, but trying to find a job at another, so I let that go pretty quickly.  Anyway- this is what caused me to lay in bed yesterday morning, verge of tears.

My mom had to coax me out of bed and to get to work (she called), so eventually, despite my inner protests- I got up and did some work.  Wouldn't you know it, twas the best thing I could've done for myself.  I made some visits to clients and it felt so good to be out talking to people again.  I really haven't been doing a lot of prospecting lately because I've been so busy working leads that have been coming in to the corp office.  But there is something about just getting out and talking to people that are fresh eyes and ears that really is fun to me.  By the afternoon I was feeling so much better-and then it happened.  A woman I've been calling lately called me back and said she wanted to buy a machine!  I was so excited I almost peed myself. ;)  She's buying a pretty small machine- the smallest we carry- so I'm only going to make about $1200 on it, but I don't's enough to pay the rent and a few bills.  I'm so ecstatic.  I also got a text from a friend that is a massage therapist- telling me to hurry and finish my massage license application because the place that he works is hiring a part time massage therapist for a few days a week- so if I can get my stuff in, he can help me get the job.  It pays about $60/hr and he said he averages about $2400/month.  While that's not a ton, I'd only be working 3 days a week for 5 hours a day and that is enough for me to be able to pay all of my bills.  It also gives me time to keep working as a rep until I'm more stable with my income.

So, of course- I'm having the best day today. ;)  Funny how I can go from tears in my bed one morning, to being on cloud 9 and motivated to work out, eat healthy, and LIVE within 24 hours.  90% of my anxiety has been from to see that the Lord has actually heard my prayers and pleadings and sent me a few job leads just makes my heart soar.

Good times on the horizon my friends- good times!!!




Saturday, June 18, 2011

Random Rant

Okay, I'm really on fire right now.

I just read a friend's recent blog post- I'm sure you all know her- Kenz (the post can be found here) about her life and her musings on what her life could've/would've been like if she was thin.  This post stirred up a lot of emotion in me- I'm surprised actually at the range of emotions I've felt as I read the post.  For one thing- even though I've never been 400 pounds, I could totally relate.  I could relate to thinking back on my life and wondering if/knowing my life would've been different if I'd been a different weight.  Even losing 20 pounds has made a VAST difference in my dating life and confidence.  Men seem to notice me more, and seem to be more interested in me the thinner I get.  I'm told I'm "hot" way more frequently.  It sucks, but it's true.  Up until recently, as a single, the whole goal was to land a man, so to me...losing weight meant having more options to choose from.  Plus it gives me confidence to "feel" thinner.  I feel more feminine, and I take more time to look more feminine.  I am more social, more outgoing, and generally happier with as little as 20 pounds gone.

As you know, I've been dating a plethora of men lately.  I went out with the Surfer Thursday night and came home pissed.  I told my roommate that I'm cutting all of them.  I've been dating "all of them" (there are 4 of them) for about a month and a half, and I'm starting to feel the unspoken pressure that they are all anticipating some hot, steamy sex soon.  Honestly- it turns me off from all of them.  No one has said anything outright, but the tone of their text messages and phone calls are different now- and I know each of them (having no idea I'm dating anyone else) thinks they're getting lucky soon.  They WANT to have sex- which is completely understandable...isn't that the nature of men?  They want to be attracted and they want to have sex.  I'm not mad about that.  I'm upset that I feel like that seems to be the only thing they're all interested in lately.  No one asks me about my dreams.  My goals.  My fears and what I want, or what I don't want.  No.  Instead, I get text messages that say things like, "baby come rub my back".  Or, "baby send me a hot pic".  NO.

This post is a rant- so sorry if it seems random or scattered- I'm typing as I think about things.

So back to Kenz's post- yes, I feel more sexy as I lose weight, and I wonder how many more guys I would've/can go out with as I continue to tone up and get skinnier.  I wonder sometimes if I've subconsciously kept weight on because I'm worried about this very thing that is happening: I meet guys that only seem to be interested in one thing and nothing else.  And i don't want that.  I mean I do, but with everything else- not just that.  I could relate to wondering how my life would be different if I were thinner, or fatter even.

It also evoked an emotion of sadness in me.  In my comment to her, I asked her why everyone in America buys into the philosophy that you must be thin to be successful or have it all.  Why does all of America seem to think you must look a certain way in order to get what you want?  I told her (and this is true) that I have tons of friends that are skinny and yet, they are so unhappy with themselves.  Physically, emotionally, whatever- being thin does NOT equal happiness by a long shot.  Yet we all keep striving for it.  We're all unhappy with ourselves.  I told Kenz to never EVER question the coulda/woulda/shoulda's again because the reality is- you can't go back and change things.  It's a waste of energy to wish things had been different.  That's not to say you can't hope for a different body or be motivated to change things in the future...but don't think about or regret the past because it can't be changed.  Things happen the way they do for a reason; do you really want to keep looking back on your life and be upset?  If the thoughts don't make you happy- quit thinking about it or keep trying to change it.  But accept yourself for where you're at and keep working on it (this is where Kenz is now and I'm so happy for her- she will continue to succeed in her weight loss journey because she is accepting the things that have happened.)

I could continue on with my rant, but I think I'm getting spent just typing it all out. :P  I guess the whole post was to say- I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy too, so i can strive for that.  My biggest problem isn't my weight at the moment.  But I still owe it to myself to be true and find what DOES make me happy...

Hope you made it through my thoughts...



Monday, June 13, 2011


Yesterday I was able to go to church for the first time in like...a month.

I know it sounds lame, but honestly I woke up excited.  I knew I would hear something that would lift me and inspire me a tad bit.  And I did.

Someone that I know is moving south and he offered words of advice to the "singles" of the church.  To the women he said- "Don't become bitter."  To the men he said- "Don't give up."  Both of these thoughts inspired me- but not because I'm single and not married.  Am I the only girl alive who could care less right now about being single?  Possibly.  Anyway- these words sunk deep into my heart regarding my job situation.  I don't want to become bitter that this job thing hasn't worked out the way I was planning.  I also don't want to give up (and I can't).  As I was discussing further with a friend last night, he mentioned that there are people out there that, despite their situation, remain positive and upbeat, despite life's challenges.  He talked about a woman who was burned alive all over her body and her blog and how so many people read her blog and follow her because, despite her challenges with having to wear special gloves and do things in a particular way because she is so mangled, she is positive and inspiring.  I know a few people who are like this and it intrigues me.  So many times I've said in my heart and head (and really meant it) that I can be this type of person too.  But then when the waves start to crash in on life, I inevitably forget and go into panic mode.

I'm not saying this to beat on myself.  I'm wondering how these people honestly do it.  I know it's a mental choice, but it has to be so much more than that because I can get up and make a mental choice not to throw a pity party, but the pain still resides.  How do they get rid of the pain and fear?  Or how do they minimize it?

I'm inspired.  The other thing I've been thinking about is that things are still progressing with all of the boys.  I'm starting to get nervous- I've been dating most of these guys for about 4-5 weeks now.  It feels like things are getting more serious, with all of them, and yet I still can't decide who to toss and who to keep.  I also can't decide if I really like any of them (my roommate says I don't), or if I do but am just reluctant.  I can't seem to let any of them go, however, it's getting more and more serious with all of them.  Last night I had Michigan over to watch a movie, and two others were texting me.  With one of them I was having a more serious conversation about how we need to spend a little more time together.  When????  When do I have time to spend more time with any of them??  I'm with a different one every night!  Last night was Michigan, tonight will be Michigan again, tomorrow night is AZ.  They all complain they haven't seen me in weeks (because they haven't- I've been MIA with work).  I don't know how to keep juggling this many- it has been fun but usually by now someone has fallen off.  The surfer fell off finally.  I could care less- though last week he was my top choice.  This is all so strange...

Not to mention I've gained 6 pounds and am pissed at myself.  I'm done being wild.  I made a vow to step it back up- starting today.  Running and yoga, here we go again.  I will not keep gaining in the middle of the summer!

XO my loves-


Friday, June 10, 2011

Almost Homeless, but not quite

I've started looking for a new job early; the job market is crap out here in CA and I know I need all the time I can get right now.  As I've been searching, I realized today that I absolutely loathe looking for a new job.  I wish i could just sell a machine already so I don't have to think about it for a few days.

Yesterday my roommate decided she was done and went to turn in a 30 days notice.  She couldn't take the pressure of not knowing if I would be able to pay my rent next month; I don't blame her at all.  I would've done the same thing.  As she was driving over to the property management office- my other friend called her to see if she could move in with us instead of us moving out.  So we added a third girl to our tiny apartment in order to bring the rent down.  The landlord doesn't know of course; if we would've told her- she would've raised the rent and that would've defeated the purpose of having a 3rd girl move in.  Still makes me nervous to lie to the landlord though.

While I'm so thankful and I definitely feel like some of the pressure is off (now that my rent is almost half of what it was), I'm also a little anxious.  Our apartment is TINY.  I'm sad and nervous to cramp in as tight as we're about to cramp in.  I just hope I can get on my feet soon so that if this doesn't feel like a good fit in a couple of months- I won't be forced to stay because I'm still too poor to move on.  My friend and I are going to share the master, and my current roommate is going to take over the tiny room I'm in now.  I am still curious as to how we're going to fit everything in this place.

It's interesting to me that during such a hard time in my life- when so many people have reached out to help me- I've never felt as alone as I do now.  So many people have offered up so much to help me and I am seriously so grateful; however, at the same time- there is a feeling of such isolation and loneliness.  I isolate myself because I don't want to put this on anyone else.  I am dating more guys now than I have in a long time- and yet I'm completely emotionally disconnected from all of them.  Same with my friends.  Same with my own mother.  I'm too exhausted to connect with anyone; does that make sense?  I hide away from everyone because I just don't want to expose them to my fear and anxiety anymore.

This year- between the disappointment of grad school and the disappointment of trying a new dream job and not succeeding at it (so far)'s been so tough.  I'm trying to hold on and remember that when you risk everything- you stand the chance that you'll lose everything.  But even at this point when I stand to lose it all- I still can't go back to the way my life was before.  I risked it all because I believe that eventually- one day- I will succeed at something.  I hoped (and still hope) this is it, but who knows!?  It's up to God now.  I can only hope and pray that he will be merciful enough to me to cut me a little slack this month. ;)

There is a bigger plan for me.  There is a bigger plan for me.  There is a bigger plan for me! Right?!  RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT????

xo my friends- sorry if this post sounds depressing.  This is what my blog is for- right?  To vent.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Well, I still haven't really sold a machine for work.

I'm stressed.  Like, really really stressed about it.  Most of the day I live in denial- because it seems to be the only way I can cope.  Yesterday I was at the bank and I was freaking out on my banker and she ended up sneaking me a xanax so I would calm down.  I finally told my boss yesterday that I am working until the 15th- if I haven't sold a machine by then, then I will be forced to quit to find something else because I HAVE to make money to pay my rent for next month.  The good news is- he said 3 things.  #1- he gets it.  He understands that I have to do what I have to do.  #2- that he is going to do everything in his power to help me make it happen.  #3- that some of the other reps have either quit or been let go in my area- so hopefully that opens up some more opportunities for me in the next week.

I've been thinking a lot about this last one.  Since I will not most likely just 'snag a job' right around the 15th when i need one, I am going to begin putting out my resume right now.  It is literally killing me to do this because I want to do the job I'm doing so bad, but I'm too broke to keep doing it.  So I've decided I'm going to go in and talk to the head honcho on the 15th, if I haven't sold anything by then.  I'm going to remind him I'm the only rep left in my area- So Cal.  I'm going to remind him that it's cheaper to pay me more $$ than train new reps, and that he should help me out because I'm so super close to closing a few deals right now anyway.  And I'm going to kindly ask for more money.  I know it sounds insane; I would NEVER normally ask for more money when I'm only 2 months into a job.  But I'm the only rep left in this part of the state.  The longer there is no one here to fill mine and the other reps places- the longer deals go cold and new leads don't get followed up on.  I am willing to take less commission to make more salary; that's fine.  I will still work.  I really really hope that he is willing to listen to my side of things.  Lucky for me, I've heard through the grapevine that they've already been considering upping people's pay anyway because they are having a problem keeping reps (because everyone is broke so they leave).  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I also want to take a moment to say thank you to you who have prayed for me, or even just said that you're thinking about me.  It means so much.  I have really really been struggling lately- faith wise.  I am having a hard time understanding God's ways; I know that his ways are not my ways and his plan is not going to coincide with my plan, but the stress of not having any money takes my hope away that better things are coming.  Does that make sense?  The good news is my roommate finally came home the other day and was able to give me a pep talk to lift my spirits- and she really did help me quite a bit.  I have been so frustrated and angry that I have forgotten to look outside my scope and remember God has bigger plans than this moment for me.  It's still hard to hold on to that though and have faith as I stumble through this hardship.  I acknowledge that I quit my job to pursue this opportunity.  I just didn't know it was going to get this hard.

Anyway- I could cycle back to this over and over.  All of the boys are still around and they're all about to get cut.  I'm bored.  2 of them are pushing too hard, the other 2- the 2 I actually like, are not pushing enough.  I hear from them like, once a week.  I need more.

Diet wise- eh.  I haven't been eating terribly, and I've been going to yoga and that's it.  I don't even know the last time I went on a run, which is sad because I know the run would help me relieve stress so much.  But I'm tired all the time these days, trying to just survive.  I haven't gained or lost any pounds, so at least that's good. I have been drinking a ton of water- as much as I can (I've been shooting for 3 liters a day or more), and that at least keeps me hydrated and somewhat healthy.  Now if I can just get back to working out...

XO my loves-


So I'm on to the next.  Still trying to find a balance...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My Men.

I decided to finally post something- though I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about.

Here's the thing- like I told you guys before- my life is getting out of hand.  I want to tell you all of the things that are happening- but I'm scared to because there is ONE person that reads my blog that knows me in real life- and I'm not ready for her to know everything.  I'm pissed at myself that I let her have the address to my blog.  I know this is MY blog, and I can talk about what I want to- but easier said than done- right?  You know what I'm talking about.  If you have (or had) someone following your blog that knows you in real life and could tell everyone else what you're really up to, would be hesitant too.

Anyway- so I'll give you a brief rundown of a few things that I CAN talk about...

I am so broke.  I still have not sold a machine.  I have come super close several times but since it has not actually happened yet, I have not made any money since March.  I am at my wits end with this situation.  I don't know what to do.  I have looked around but there are NO jobs here in California.  I am scared that I may have to move home to Oklahoma and that terrifies and depresses the hell out of me.  So I keep working my ass off and hoping and praying that soon something will happen.  It has to happen like- NOW.  NOW because I haven't paid my car payment, I haven't paid any of my bills, and I'm late on my rent.  Yes, today is the 1st.  My mom is sending me a few dollars to help me (she has NOTHING and I feel horrible borrowing even this little bit) but it won't get here til the 3rd.  I haven't told my roommate yet.

I went on another date last night- The surfer.  He's 25 and adorable.  He works construction during the day- he's a framer.  He's a painter in his spare time and the man is an artist.  He has a 2 bedroom apartment and a dog and he cooks; he cooks for me.  :)  He has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen and constantly tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous.  He gives me tiny kisses constantly on the neck and lips and I don't know why, but as soon as I'm around him I turn to mush in about 30 seconds.  I hate/love it.

Behind him is Arizona.  Arizona is the one in his 30's.  He lives in AZ but commutes here for work.  He is the closest to my age and is the most relaxed of all the boys, which helps me stay relaxed.  He is so fun- every date we go on is so so so fun.  All we do is giggle and laugh from the minute we get together to the minute he drops me off.  He finally kissed me last week towards the end of our date, but it's little kisses here and there- it's not the typical- I kiss you once and then I try to make out with you the rest of the night- type of thing.  He is respectful and we have good conversation.  He calls me sexy and makes me feel good.  He also doesn't hound me; I have my space and I love it.

Then there are three more- but they are all tied for 3rd place and none of them are doing very well.  Two of them are in their 20's and somewhat needy.

Yoga is going well, my weight is slowly coming back down again.  137.2 as of this morning.  I'm ready to get back down to 135 and below- that was where I felt the most comfortable and cute.  Of course it's not hard right now because I am so poor I don't have any money for food or gas so...

Blah- got to get back to work.  Hope you're having a wonderful day!  I have been reading up on a few blogs and I love how hard everyone is working on their weight loss and love of life.  I hope to be joining you all soon (getting back to "affording" life)...