I have things to celebrate, and things to bitch about in this post today. I hope I can get it all out there.
Celebration: Last night was a friend of mine's 30th birthday party celebration. Since she's single, her friends decided to throw an old school slumber party for her at my other friend's parents beach house. We played games, sat around and chatted a bunch and bonded (there were about 15 girls there), and of course- there were about a zillion treats there. All of the birthday girls favorite treats were there. But I did not have a single thing with sugar in it. So basically I ate some lime flavored tortilla chips. But I'm seriously so proud of myself! It was so hard but I conquered! I feel like if I can say no to pumpkin cheesecake and ice cream, chocolate turtle love, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, whipped cream, coke ice cream floats, and caramels (among many, MANY other things), I can say no to anything. I ended up having to leave though because at one point I thought for sure I was going to crack. I started drinking diet coke in order to give my hands something to do...and with DC and Coke Zero comes massive cravings, so I had to eventually bounce. BUT I DID IT.
Today I came home after church and my roommate and bestie Coke and I started talking about watching a movie and treats. I had a little bag of kettle corn and my roommate started making pumpkin bars. She flat out asked me to have one. I said no. I just looked at her and said, I'm sorry but it's been 1.5 weeks and I don't want any right now. To which she said that she was proud of me, but also told me that it's okay every once in awhile. For her it's okay every once in awhile, I agree- but right now I'm on a roll and I don't want anything with sugar in it. Everyone knows it. Even people I haven't told are now starting to catch on- because basically I'm not eating anything when we're in public anymore- because it's always crap that's sugary. All of our social events seem to swarm around sugar foods and treats. So she made the first batch of pumpkin rolls and brought them over for me to smell. I smelled them. Fine. I will not have one. I'm becoming more and more determined to prove I will not have one.
I'm kind of irritated about it. I feel like she's straight up trying to get me to have one. After she has watched me struggle with this and talk about my recovery classes. I will not have a pumpkin bar right now no matter what happens. So I guess instead of me seeing this post as a bitching session, I can look at this as yet another victory. Take that!
It's still hard though- after a week and a half. I'm not really having cravings anymore but I still want the treats mentally. Even now as I type this, I hope and pray I will not end up weakening out there and having a pumpkin bar. I am still not sure of how long I will last. I'm still having to fight this battle hour by hour. I'm still afraid I'm going to fall down at any given moment. I guess even if I do- it's okay. I keep having to remind myself- it's waxing and waning- not all or nothing. Even if I fall- I can get back up the next day.
Okay- I'm going back out there- still sugar hungry. With pumpkin bars in the oven and the friends devouring them.
D
I think that your roommate and friends should be more supportive and have veggie trays as well. You are doing great!!
ReplyDeleteWow, feeling super proud, like mother who's child turned out drugs or something proud! I for sure am not strong enough to have endured the sleepover without caving. Leaving was a very smart thing on your part. As for the roommate, you should have a sit down with her, where there is no food around, and tell her that you appreciate her supporting you, and in offering her support, it would be helpful for her to refrain from offering such sweetness to you! Maybe even trying to limit how often she bakes? Not sure if that is doable or not. anyhow, good for you! and good that you realize it's not all or nothing. I suffer from that as well, and when I mess up I give up.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Drazil on this one!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think people want to see other people fail so that they can justify their own failures and shortcomings.
Keep strong, you CAN do this.
So, what's up with this roommate? I thought she was weight conscious and careful about what she eats. Sounds like some purposeful sabotage to me. Is she afraid of you're success? Jealous? Does she need to be the strong one to your weak one status? I don't know, of course. But her actins don't make sense--it's not like she's unaware of your struggle.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a sit-down needs to happen!
Deb
Well Diz alot of times when people like to treat and eat they want company so they don't feel so guilty and your a 100 percent right many gathering have shit food choices. And I commend you! Its so hard when so many social get together s circle around food.
ReplyDeleteBe proud of yourself. Good for you telling roomie no. It sounds like she doesn't understand what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteI'm SO with you!! You can do this!! Stay strong, the rewards are huge!
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you going to where there were almost nothing but treats, a special occassion, and peer pressure. A trifecta for disaster. And you survived!
I am also with Drazil on this one! Very proud of you though for sticking to your guns!
ReplyDelete